WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • johnbtay3
    johnbtay3 Posts: 170 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    Think about how you feel when you first start dating someone. The feeling for some can be addicting and emotionally craving.
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    It isn't just men, as I hear it a lot from women too. Another site I'm on, the sheer volume of women who are in a relationship (married or otherwise) talking about how boring their lives are and how pathetic their husband/BF are. Yet, when asked why they don't leave if they're unhappy, they don't want to give up what they already have.


    I think some people before marriage like the idea of playing house until they actually have to.
  • johnbtay3
    johnbtay3 Posts: 170 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    It isn't just men, as I hear it a lot from women too. Another site I'm on, the sheer volume of women who are in a relationship (married or otherwise) talking about how boring their lives are and how pathetic their husband/BF are. Yet, when asked why they don't leave if they're unhappy, they don't want to give up what they already have.


    I think some people before marriage like the idea of playing house until they actually have to.

    I still like playing "doctor"
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
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    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    Think about how you feel when you first start dating someone. The feeling for some can be addicting and emotionally craving.

    Then how come they feel the need to get into marriages?

  • johnbtay3
    johnbtay3 Posts: 170 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    Think about how you feel when you first start dating someone. The feeling for some can be addicting and emotionally craving.

    Then how come they feel the need to get into marriages?

    I don't necessarily think just because someone cheats they don't still love their spouse. They may just need something different.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,368 Member
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    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    Think about how you feel when you first start dating someone. The feeling for some can be addicting and emotionally craving.

    Then how come they feel the need to get into marriages?

    I don't necessarily think just because someone cheats they don't still love their spouse. They may just need want something different.

    FTFY
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    It isn't just men, as I hear it a lot from women too. Another site I'm on, the sheer volume of women who are in a relationship (married or otherwise) talking about how boring their lives are and how pathetic their husband/BF are. Yet, when asked why they don't leave if they're unhappy, they don't want to give up what they already have.


    I think some people before marriage like the idea of playing house until they actually have to.

    :lol: House... with other people, that you can't just kick out or "go home" when you've had enough of their b.s.

    This is a pretty overlooked, but poignant observation, I think.

    From my perspective, I didn't/don't mind playing "house", but I hate that I'm playing it alone a lot and for three people, not just myself. It's fine when it's just yourself and you have responsibilities to take care of because no one else is going to do it for you (you are responsible for yourself, after all), but an entirely different matter when it becomes one person doing the work of three people, two of whom never seem to change and/or are too young to really help out.

    For your other point: I would love to pretend to be my husband's girlfriend again, but with life and a family comes responsibilities.. so that kinda goes out the window for a lot of women. They end up getting put in a maternal position by force, not choice because their partner (and kids obviously) put them in that role, either intentionally or by habit over a few years. I think that also kinda explains a bit why women also can (and do) cheat: they resent being thought of as "just a mom" or "wife" and treated as a maid or head of fiscal and physical responsibilities. I wanna be your partner, your equal; not your caretaker (unless something truly tragic happens to you where that's medically necessary, I mean).
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    vanityy99 wrote: »
    johnbtay3 wrote: »
    I think sometimes to change things up and the excitement. A lot of people that have a family, their lives become boring and routine. It's an outlet for something more exciting.

    I heard that men want their wives to act like their girlfriends still. I didn’t really understand that until I read this comment...

    Think about how you feel when you first start dating someone. The feeling for some can be addicting and emotionally craving.

    Then how come they feel the need to get into marriages?

    I don't necessarily think just because someone cheats they don't still love their spouse. They may just need want something different.

    FTFY

    Exactly.

    Actually I believe everyone makes mistakes, but if it’s a continuous thing and desire... is it really love.

  • johnbtay3
    johnbtay3 Posts: 170 Member
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    Joeyd727 wrote: »
    The most simplistic answer is because they are bored. They're bored with sex, the relationship, the other person's attitude,life . It doesn't mean they don't care about their significant other it just means they're bored with them. Usually this happens when the Cheater isn't getting what they desire from the relationship and either they don't express this to their sig other because they already know that person won't do things or change things that they want/need.

    What he said 👆
  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
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    :lol: House... with other people, that you can't just kick out or "go home" when you've had enough of their b.s.

    This is a pretty overlooked, but poignant observation, I think.

    From my perspective, I didn't/don't mind playing "house", but I hate that I'm playing it alone a lot and for three people, not just myself. It's fine when it's just yourself and you have responsibilities to take care of because no one else is going to do it for you (you are responsible for yourself, after all), but an entirely different matter when it becomes one person doing the work of three people, two of whom never seem to change and/or are too young to really help out.

    For your other point: I would love to pretend to be my husband's girlfriend again, but with life and a family comes responsibilities.. so that kinda goes out the window for a lot of women. They end up getting put in a maternal position by force, not choice because their partner (and kids obviously) put them in that role, either intentionally or by habit over a few years. I think that also kinda explains a bit why women also can (and do) cheat: they resent being thought of as "just a mom" or "wife" and treated as a maid or head of fiscal and physical responsibilities. I wanna be your partner, your equal; not your caretaker (unless something truly tragic happens to you where that's medically necessary, I mean).

    This is why open communication and discussion is necessary at all times of the relationship. When I was married, my ex did most of the house chores because she didn't like how I did them. It also made more sense for her to cook since she was home long before I got home. She worked part-time, and a mile from home. Where I worked 10+ hour days, and had about a 45 minute commute each way. Yet, a friend of mine did all the cooking because his wife couldn't boil water without burning it (she jokingly said this).

    As to a married couple acting as if they are BF/GF again, it takes work. But, it can be done. Pick a night of the week that typically works for both of you, get a sitter if necessary, go out and enjoy. Don't make it routine, like going to the same place every week. But, something to look forward to. Make plans, get excited for it. Doesn't have to be expensive, as it could be going to a concert in the park. Or, reliving a memorable early date you both enjoyed. Hell, even driving to old hangout spots.

    Find a reason to reignite the spark of the flame where you two fell in love again. Get out of the doldrums and ruts that we put ourselves into.
  • vanityy99
    vanityy99 Posts: 2,583 Member
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    :lol: House... with other people, that you can't just kick out or "go home" when you've had enough of their b.s.

    This is a pretty overlooked, but poignant observation, I think.

    From my perspective, I didn't/don't mind playing "house", but I hate that I'm playing it alone a lot and for three people, not just myself. It's fine when it's just yourself and you have responsibilities to take care of because no one else is going to do it for you (you are responsible for yourself, after all), but an entirely different matter when it becomes one person doing the work of three people, two of whom never seem to change and/or are too young to really help out.

    For your other point: I would love to pretend to be my husband's girlfriend again, but with life and a family comes responsibilities.. so that kinda goes out the window for a lot of women. They end up getting put in a maternal position by force, not choice because their partner (and kids obviously) put them in that role, either intentionally or by habit over a few years. I think that also kinda explains a bit why women also can (and do) cheat: they resent being thought of as "just a mom" or "wife" and treated as a maid or head of fiscal and physical responsibilities. I wanna be your partner, your equal; not your caretaker (unless something truly tragic happens to you where that's medically necessary, I mean).

    This is why open communication and discussion is necessary at all times of the relationship. When I was married, my ex did most of the house chores because she didn't like how I did them. It also made more sense for her to cook since she was home long before I got home. She worked part-time, and a mile from home. Where I worked 10+ hour days, and had about a 45 minute commute each way. Yet, a friend of mine did all the cooking because his wife couldn't boil water without burning it (she jokingly said this).

    As to a married couple acting as if they are BF/GF again, it takes work. But, it can be done. Pick a night of the week that typically works for both of you, get a sitter if necessary, go out and enjoy. Don't make it routine, like going to the same place every week. But, something to look forward to. Make plans, get excited for it. Doesn't have to be expensive, as it could be going to a concert in the park. Or, reliving a memorable early date you both enjoyed. Hell, even driving to old hangout spots.

    Find a reason to reignite the spark of the flame where you two fell in love again. Get out of the doldrums and ruts that we put ourselves into.

    If marriage takes that much work and you have to try so hard is it really worth it tho?
  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
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    vanityy99 wrote: »
    :lol: House... with other people, that you can't just kick out or "go home" when you've had enough of their b.s.

    This is a pretty overlooked, but poignant observation, I think.

    From my perspective, I didn't/don't mind playing "house", but I hate that I'm playing it alone a lot and for three people, not just myself. It's fine when it's just yourself and you have responsibilities to take care of because no one else is going to do it for you (you are responsible for yourself, after all), but an entirely different matter when it becomes one person doing the work of three people, two of whom never seem to change and/or are too young to really help out.

    For your other point: I would love to pretend to be my husband's girlfriend again, but with life and a family comes responsibilities.. so that kinda goes out the window for a lot of women. They end up getting put in a maternal position by force, not choice because their partner (and kids obviously) put them in that role, either intentionally or by habit over a few years. I think that also kinda explains a bit why women also can (and do) cheat: they resent being thought of as "just a mom" or "wife" and treated as a maid or head of fiscal and physical responsibilities. I wanna be your partner, your equal; not your caretaker (unless something truly tragic happens to you where that's medically necessary, I mean).

    This is why open communication and discussion is necessary at all times of the relationship. When I was married, my ex did most of the house chores because she didn't like how I did them. It also made more sense for her to cook since she was home long before I got home. She worked part-time, and a mile from home. Where I worked 10+ hour days, and had about a 45 minute commute each way. Yet, a friend of mine did all the cooking because his wife couldn't boil water without burning it (she jokingly said this).

    As to a married couple acting as if they are BF/GF again, it takes work. But, it can be done. Pick a night of the week that typically works for both of you, get a sitter if necessary, go out and enjoy. Don't make it routine, like going to the same place every week. But, something to look forward to. Make plans, get excited for it. Doesn't have to be expensive, as it could be going to a concert in the park. Or, reliving a memorable early date you both enjoyed. Hell, even driving to old hangout spots.

    Find a reason to reignite the spark of the flame where you two fell in love again. Get out of the doldrums and ruts that we put ourselves into.

    If marriage takes that much work and you have to try so hard is it really worth it tho?

    Do you have a garden or flower bed? What about a house or home? A car?

    A relationship is no different. There's always some amount of work that needs to be done in the beginning, as well as periodic maintenance. If you don't do periodic maintenance, things start to fall apart, have problems or overgrown with weeds. Requiring more work to restore to its previous condition.

    Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean things are easy. Some things might be easier than others. But, much like a car, house or garden, they can turn ugly rather quickly without care and maintenance. In a relationship, that care and maintenance is things like I had described above.

    Marriages can happen without love or care for the other. The chapels in Vegas, as well as arranged marriages proves that point. Being in a relationship, regardless whether you're married or not, requires work from all involved.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,590 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »

    If marriage takes that much work and you have to try so hard is it really worth it tho?

    Yes, because that ish pays mad dividends.

  • tbright1965
    tbright1965 Posts: 852 Member
    edited February 2020
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    But one can be bored and not cheat.

    To me, cheating means you are not honest about it. Not being honest means not caring. One doesn't betray someone they care about. Cheating is the antithesis of caring for your spouse. In some ways, cheating is acting as if you wish your spouse was dead and gone as most marriage vows are "to death do us part." Cheating is acting as if you wish they were dead. That is the opposite of care.

    Take my ex-wife (please -- Henny Goodman IIRC)

    She cheated. Years before, I asked her questions similar to the following, "What does your favorite romantic fantasy look like?" "Give me an example of when I really hit the mark when it comes to sex and romance." and so on.

    After all, we married, so I must have done it right at some point.

    No answers. After a few years of this, I simply stopped asking. She didn't know, it was only frustrating me as I sure wasn't having the toe curling sex I was promised before we married.

    But as soon as she was having an affair with someone else, suddenly, she was all, "I met my soul mate" "It was a mistake marrying you" and so on. Apparently, she did know how to have sex.

    It's called the contrast effect. Real life cannot measure up to the fantasy of an affair. She never had to work on a budget with her affair partner. She didn't have to do the "daily dirties" of real life with him, so of course it's going to seem magical.

    Had she been honest, and just described what she wanted or provided an example of when I was at my best, something to build on, maybe things would have been different.

    The problem was, I was bored too. But I didn't go out and sleep with another person.

    Bored is no excuse for being dishonest.

    Of course, her affair partner never left his wife. My ex-wife and me, well, she's an ex-wife. It's probably been about 7-8 years since I've really spoken with her, as I simply cannot trust her. Our only child is now 21. She lived with me while she was in high school as I live in the better school district. She's about to graduate from college this summer with two degrees.

    I was able to pay off about $75k in debt that was run up after she moved out of the house as she no longer had access to money and credit in my name. Of course, I documented all of that as soon as she moved out, so the distribution of assets and debts was based on the values the day she moved out. Any debts she ran up after that stayed on her side of the ledger, as we used that October 2003 fiscal snapshot. Those debts were paid off before the divorce was final, but on the day of the property settlement, it appeared as a $75k marital debt to be split, meaning fewer assets for her. I had also documented what I had before we married, so all those assets came off the table. She chose a bad time to divorce in the early 2000s as the markets were down, meaning the marital assets were smaller.


    Cheating is never about the other person, it's about the character of the person who cheats. They can tell themselves it is okay to be deceitful. The cheater's happiness is more important than being an honest person.

    My ex-wife never once said the words, "I'm unhappy" until she was having her affair.

    If you are unhappy, SAY SO. You might just find out your spouse is also unhappy.

    Maybe, just maybe, if you work together, you can find a way to honorably solve the problem.

    There are many unhappy people. Not all of them cheat. Blaming the victim for the actions of the cheater is just wrong. The cheater 100% owns the decision to betray their spouse, period.


    Joeyd727 wrote: »
    The most simplistic answer is because they are bored. They're bored with sex, the relationship, the other person's attitude,life . It doesn't mean they don't care about their significant other it just means they're bored with them. Usually this happens when the Cheater isn't getting what they desire from the relationship and either they don't express this to their sig other because they already know that person won't do things or change things that they want/need.

  • kimber0607
    kimber0607 Posts: 994 Member
    edited February 2020
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    I think people who cheat lack integrity and morals and need constant validation and affirmation
    (even from a stranger/no feelings involved)
    IDK Ive been unhappy in relationships and haven't justified cheating...the thought would make me sweat and want to throw up
    I dont know how married people do it....I just dont

  • tbright1965
    tbright1965 Posts: 852 Member
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    vanityy99 wrote: »

    If marriage takes that much work and you have to try so hard is it really worth it tho?

    What are you worth?

    Do you just expect "it" to happen?

    Do you expect your spouse to work hard at pleasing you, but don't have to work to please them?

    My ex-wife, once she was in her affair, said things like, "If you loved me, you would have known what to do."

    Bull feathers. Either that or she didn't really love me, after all, it would have been daily oral sex and rare steaks as that's what I wanted. I didn't want pillow shams or dust ruffles or coordinated decor. None of those things, where she put her focus" really said, "I love you." She worked on those things, but not the oral and the steak. But I didn't run out and have an affair because it wasn't March 14th every day in my marriage.

    People are incompatible, period. If we were all the same, one of us would be redundant.

    You have to work on your nutrition, you work on your body with exercise, we work on our minds with education, or the arts. We maintain our homes and cars and that takes work.

    Of course you have to work on relationships.

    Affairs seem like no work because they are fantasy. You don't have to work on the daily dirties with an affair partner. In fact, your betrayed spouse is probably working on them while you are out betraying him or her.

    Relationships, like most anything of value, require work and maintenance and being treated as a priority in your life.

  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,506 Member
    edited February 2020
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    I've been known to cheat at a spirited game of Scrabble.

    "Yes, I swear! 'Doequister' happens to be a real word." B)





    .
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,868 Member
    edited February 2020
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    I've never cheated, but I know guys who have cheated on their wives/girlfriends and women who have cheated on their husbands/boyfriends.

    In pretty much every case that I'm aware, the guy cheated and it was purely physical...didn't really have anything to do with being unhappy or even bored or not in love. Just a hot chick that wanted him. Conversely every woman I've known that cheated it was far more emotional and often there was no physical element involved at all...but rather an emotional affair.