WHY do people CHEAT?
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In terms of long term relationships I’d say it was probably because one of the couple wasn’t having their needs met, be it emotionally or sexually and as such the other person finds that in someone else. It gives them a sense of fulfilment and of being whole again despite the need not being met inside their relationship.
That's such a vague, insubstantial rationalization though.
First you have to separate what are truly "needs" from "wants".
How much responsibility lies on the partner to fulfil the other person's "needs", and how much on the individual self?
Has the partner clearly articulated what they "need" from the other person, and is that person actually refusing to make any effort to meet the requests, or have they been set an insurmountable task with shifting goalposts that they can never satisfy?
I’m talking basic relationship needs, not own personal needs, those area different.
In a relationship each party needs to feel that they are listened to, valued, they are wanted, desired. When aspects of that are ignored on a frequent basis, even if communicated effectively that it’s an element that’s missing is when people tend to seek it elsewhere.
For example, a small proportion of relationships end up in sexless marriages, very rarely do these relationships survive simply because the lack of intimacy causes a whole host of additional effects. Like reduced self esteem, paranoia, being touch starved, feelings of frustration, resentment and loneliness. Those feelings put the other party at an increased risk of affair be it emotional or physical because they will seek that missing aspect elsewhere, even if they don’t intend to. Many partners of people in sexless relationships will say that every other part of their relationship is great, but that area is one they cannot get over.
That example can be switched out for several other basics in a relationship and the result will be that if you aren’t left feeling secure in your relationship naturally it will be sought somewhere else.
But why doesn't that individual end the unsatisfactory relationship before running off to find their dream need-filling person? That's what I don't understand here. If the original relationship is soooo lacking, why hang onto it until the better opportunity comes along?4 -
I don’t think they always do it intentionally, as I said many characteristics of the relationship will still be deemed as viable or desirable, like having children in an otherwise stable and happy home. It could be that they don’t even realise that’s what they’ve been missing from their relationship until there’s a shift or a change, like one person in the relationship going back to work and finding that people engage with them and they feel listened to and respected and they continue to seek that source because it’s not being given in their relationship because they’ve fallen into a routine of having conversations while looking at their phones. All too often it’s an emotional affair that develops first and those can be harder to spot
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People have a hard time with long term commitment. This extends into cheating.
There are other reasons one could use. Bored relationship, physical attraction is gone, money, abuse and so on.
It all came from somewhere. Recognizing that it key.
Personally I don't get it. Just leave rather than cheat.0 -
I don’t think they always do it intentionally, as I said many characteristics of the relationship will still be deemed as viable or desirable, like having children in an otherwise stable and happy home. It could be that they don’t even realise that’s what they’ve been missing from their relationship until there’s a shift or a change, like one person in the relationship going back to work and finding that people engage with them and they feel listened to and respected and they continue to seek that source because it’s not being given in their relationship because they’ve fallen into a routine of having conversations while looking at their phones. All too often it’s an emotional affair that develops first and those can be harder to spot
I suspect far more of them hang onto relationship #1 because it's either better than nothing, or they like/need the security and social approval aspects of being in a relationship, however unsatisfying it is personally. Once they've developed the new one to a point where it's looking like a sure thing (replacement relationship) they can cut the old one loose.
After all, it's just as easy to "engage with" and feel "listened to and respected by" people of the same sex as the opposite sex, yet those won't grow into an affair (assuming heterosexuality, switch genders in that sentence if otherwise).3 -
I don’t understand why people get married if they aren’t madly,
truly in love.
There are different kinds of love.
If the sexual attraction isn’t part of it,
I don’t think that’s the marrying kind of love.
I was completely in love when I promised to be faithful and I was for 35yrs.
Always found him physically desirable, it was his grumpy personality that finally broke us.
Still love him, still best friends.
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honey_honey_12 wrote: »I don’t understand why people get married if they aren’t madly,
truly in love.
There are different kinds of love.
If the sexual attraction isn’t part of it,
I don’t think that’s the marrying kind of love.
I was completely in love when I promised to be faithful and I was for 35yrs.
Always found him physically desirable, it was his grumpy personality that finally broke us.
Still love him, still best friends.
As someone who did marry someone she wasn't truly, madly in love with, I can tell you my underlying reasons for doing so.
One: after a certain phase in my life, it seemed liked any guy I was truly interested just didn't feel the same about me. Two, (and this is the big one, here): Deep down I believed I would never be able to find someone who would be as crazy for me as I was for him. I was also overweight and not feeling good about myself, really, when I met my husband. It all came down to self-esteem and self-worth. I suspect many who marry when not madly in love do so for the same kinds of reasons.
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Hypothetically speaking, "As someone who did marry someone she wasn't truly, madly in love with"...
The limerence phase is temporary at best and can result in imaginary, idealistic notions of passion and love waaaay into the future. Humans are creatures of habit. Without any time spent alone, no love interest whatsoever...it's human nature to be attracted to the same type of person wrapped up in different looks. You won't realize the same situation you have on your hands until it's too late. You could end up with your life in shambles. A tee-total wreck.
When children are involved from both parties you have no guarantees that those step-kids will ever accept you or have any dealings with you. Another total cluster. There are only choices and consequences in life. Do you know how many lives are ruined after notions of romance after a class reunion. Now is the time for thinking rationally. It may be difficult to put your emotions aside but you need to do so to avoid a real disaster that you'll be paying for the rest of your life.3 -
Washboard12 wrote: »Hypothetically speaking, "As someone who did marry someone she wasn't truly, madly in love with"...
The limerence phase is temporary at best and can result in imaginary, idealistic notions of passion and love waaaay into the future. Humans are creatures of habit. Without any time spent alone, no love interest whatsoever...it's human nature to be attracted to the same type of person wrapped up in different looks. You won't realize the same situation you have on your hands until it's too late. You could end up with your life in shambles. A tee-total wreck.
When children are involved from both parties you have no guarantees that those step-kids will ever accept you or have any dealings with you. Another total cluster. There are only choices and consequences in life. Do you know how many lives are ruined after notions of romance after a class reunion. Now is the time for thinking rationally. It may be difficult to put your emotions aside but you need to do so to avoid a real disaster that you'll be paying for the rest of your life.
Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.
Everyone has different wants and needs in relationships. Some are okay with their marriage partner simply becoming their best friend but not really a romantic partner, but I know I am not and I need more. Saying all this, however, I'm not going to have an affair with my ex flame. I had been thinking about divorce long before he and I reconnected. And I have thought about everything and am scared as kitten, which is why I never truly considered it before. I tried for years to convince myself I could live with this. What I do know for sure is that I never felt this intense of a connection (which I know is arbitrary) or as immediately comfortable with my husband as I did with this ex 22 years ago or even now. Circumstances prevented us from being together, not that we tried it out and realized it wouldn't work. We both admitted we have thought about one another over the years because of how things ended between us And trust me, if I was an outsider looking in, I would think this all sounded crazy, immature, irrational and illogical. But, I'm not leaving my husband for this other guy. I'm asking for a divorce so we BOTH can be truly happy, and am trying not to have any expectations about the other guy, anyway.3 -
You haven't spent any time standing alone on your own two feet. You've not given yourself time to heal. You've given us a lorra lorra details. You've made your case. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. Tearing two families apart to find happiness after a divorce will be fleeting. It will slip right through your fingers. Starting any kind of a relationship on this shaky ground is folly. You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You may be fearful of being alone. Maintaining these backburner romantic feelings to carry you through the years can evaporate before the ink is dry.2
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Speakeasy76 wrote: »Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.
I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.
I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.3 -
Speakeasy76 wrote: »Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.
I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.
I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.
Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.3 -
Washboard12 wrote: »You haven't spent any time standing alone on your own two feet. You've not given yourself time to heal. You've given us a lorra lorra details. You've made your case. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. Tearing two families apart to find happiness after a divorce will be fleeting. It will slip right through your fingers. Starting any kind of a relationship on this shaky ground is folly. You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You may be fearful of being alone. Maintaining these backburner romantic feelings to carry you through the years can evaporate before the ink is dry.
I appreciate your advice, I really do. It does seem you are giving advice in my and others' best interest. I just wanted to clarify a few things.
The other man is divorced and has no children ( a very amicable, mature divorce several years ago). Before my husband, I didn't really have any long-lasting relationships, so did stand ony own for quite some time before him. As I already said, the one with this other guy was short lived (about a month)because of other circumstances. I don't plan on jumping into any committed relationship right away after my divorce nor plan on introducing my children to a new man untill I know that it is serious. My children will come first. I am fully aware that starting a relationship with this other man on shaky ground does not bode well, hence another reason to take things slowly.
I am truly terrified at all of this and yes, of being alone. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I am in the panic stage right now, but know if I want to be truly happy, as well as my husband, and stop giving my kids models of an unhealthy relationship, I need to do this. I know it seems like I'm leaving because there's the possibility of another relationship on the horizon. However, I've accepted that I will be alone in one way or another after this and need to do it regardless of what may or may not happen with this other man.2 -
Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again. [/quote]
Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it.2 -
I care. I wouldn't have bothered answering you if I didn't care. The end.4
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Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.
Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it. [/quote]
Thank you, and that's a great idea. I was already planning on counseling for my kids and asking my son's counselor if she can do this or has recommendations. I hadn't really thought for all of us to help us process it together, but it makes a lot of sense. Thankful there are so many online options now.3 -
honey_honey_12 wrote: »I don’t know.
But imo the worst part of being cheated on is the fact that that person could forget you exist while they do it.
Or they don't forget you exist while cheating...and still choose to cheat...even worst type of infidelity3 -
Life changes and we do too.0
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Insecure and selfish plain and simple. Never is it the person being cheated ons fault. You’re not happy? End it. Cheating is a cowards way out period.5
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As someone having been on the *kitten* end of cheating (eg “victim” if you will), much of what’s been said here is 100% spot on. Regarding unmet needs, regarding overall discontent, regarding effort. In retrospect, I have to say - “yea.. I shouldn’t have been surprised. It should’ve basically been over before it got to that point”.
I don’t know how many people in relationships where they feel secure and fulfilled, cheat ‘on a whim’.1 -
Because they can1
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honey_honey_12 wrote: »Because they can
That's what an ex of mine used to say.
I know he at least attempted to cheat on me, don't know if he was actually successful though.2 -
honey_honey_12 wrote: »Because they can
That's what an ex of mine used to say.
I know he at least attempted to cheat on me, don't know if he was actually successful though.
Man had no game0 -
The worst of cheating COULD mean death.1
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honey_honey_12 wrote: »Because they can
I wish I would have posted:
Because they’re humans
Seems to me the detailed reasons are so complicated and different for every single person that there is no one answer.4 -
People cheat because it's easier than actually working to make their relationship better.1
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I don’t understand why men cheat do you know how I know is I was in a relationship with my ex for 14 years he cheated on me and abuse me the *kitten* out of me. Sorry my language I don’t like talking about my past that much because it makes me really angry, I left my ex if I didn’t, I would be dead ..0
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IMO its selfishness and/or poor examples of what love is to guide them in formative years. It’s also dependent on lifestyle choice. Monogamy isn’t for everyone so communication may be a big part of the problem too. People generally don’t communicate well as it is.1
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ElMeroKeeQue wrote: »IMO its selfishness and/or poor examples of what love is to guide them in formative years. It’s also dependent on lifestyle choice. Monogamy isn’t for everyone so communication may be a big part of the problem too. People generally don’t communicate well as it is.
Cheating is not the same thing as non-monogamy
It is possible to cheat in even not non-monogamous relationships
Eta: I realized after I posted that I just stated my opinion without any softening words so it might sound like I’m angry or picking a fight. Sorry about that😂. Good vibes only0
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