WHY do people CHEAT?

Options
1141517192034

Replies

  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
    Options
    wmd1979 wrote: »
    ghudson92 wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.

    100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.

    Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.

    What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!
  • GaryRuns
    GaryRuns Posts: 508 Member
    Options
    Because it‘s fun.
    And her inbox runneth over... :D
  • biggiwig4483
    biggiwig4483 Posts: 90 Member
    Options
    GaryRuns wrote: »
    Because it‘s fun.
    And her inbox runneth over... :D

    🤪
  • ghudson92
    ghudson92 Posts: 2,061 Member
    Options
    kds10 wrote: »
    wmd1979 wrote: »
    ghudson92 wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.

    100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.

    Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.

    What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!

    I'm not saying it leads to anything meaningful... Just it's harder to shake off
  • Finishiitnow
    Finishiitnow Posts: 896 Member
    Options
    You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q
    slessofme wrote: »
    You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

    I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while fyfluh4etvlb.jpg

    Meh. Pardon my moment of bitterness. As I sit here musing, I'm thinking yesterday is too heavy and life's too short to keep mentioning anything.

    Indeed!!!
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
    edited October 2019
    Options
    kds10 wrote: »
    wmd1979 wrote: »
    ghudson92 wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.

    100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.

    Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.

    What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!

    My case, cheating had already occurred pre-kids and pre-marriage on both ends. The trust was broken years ago. The past history itself comes with substance abuse and other traumas.

    I’m not a victim and or perfect, the truth is there’s a difference between being 23/24yrs old to being 34 and raising children. I’ve had years of growth and understanding, what I accepted and looked over 10yr ago IS NOT what I will accept and take with for a lifetime. The damage from past traumas and us not growing together, is the bigger picture.

    ***Response to Cheater never being their fault***
    If a cheater places excuses on their behavior then they’re not truly sorry for what they’ve done. The reality is there’s no excuse, to ones behavior. The best thing to do is own it. They chose what felt right for them.


    I find lack of accountability to be a huge red flag, in general. I don’t believe two partners can move in a positive direction, if one constantly makes excuses for their wrongs. The shift blaming, to point fingers at outsiders and everywhere else but the actual problem, is also a huge red flag.

    I agree...the other woman/man is often the one that the betrayed spouse blames and puts anger toward but they would not be let into a marriage if the cheater had not allowed them to.
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
    Options
    kds10 wrote: »
    wmd1979 wrote: »
    ghudson92 wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.

    100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.

    Yeah but the honeymoon stage wears off...I have seen couples that have been together for a number of years and they cheated on their former spouses with each other and believe me the honeymoon stage and all the roses and champagne is long gone.

    What I find funny is that the cheater it is never their fault why their marriage is not working out..it is always the other spouse of course...because they are perfect but their spouse is not giving them what they need...BAER!

    I also believe that half the time, what’s referred to the “honeymoon stage”, is realistically the period of time to which couples overlook red flags because of being in infatuation.

    I understand life would’ve been different, if i worked on me first before building a forever commitment. I’m forever grateful for my babies, so I wouldn’t do it differently. I do believe in creating goals, a lifestyle and a future, with someone who sees the same ultimate vision. The right person doesn’t need a build a map guide, on how to treat me and for me to teach him what I need from him, as my partner. I find partnerships to be just that, both giving and helping one another. If one person apologizes for something, the apology comes with changed behavior and doesn’t bring on cycled patterns.
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
    Options
    iMago wrote: »
    5j6ycHil.jpg
    i felt that

    cy4updj4mkkg.jpeg



    49vdz9qabz96.jpeg
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
    edited October 2019
    Options
    I guess to me it seems different when someone sets out to find someone as opposed to wow they met someone thru work, etc. and huge chemistry...I kind of get how things can happen with the unexpected chemistry thing as opposed to "I am going to sign up on Ashley M. and see if I can find someone to cheat with"

    ...not saying that just because you meet someone unexpectedly and you are attracted to them means that you act on it but I can see where that could lead to something not good if you go with it...

    I admit I went on Ashley M. out of curiousity (when I found out about H) to see and honestly most of the guys (at least in my age group late 40s and up) were less than attractive..I can't see myself contacting one of them just for the hell of it to sleep with someone else...yuck!
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    Options
    iMago wrote: »
    5j6ycHil.jpg
    i felt that

    i didn’t think we were here to play monopoly
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    Options
    iMago wrote: »
    5j6ycHil.jpg
    i felt that

    i didn’t think we were here to play monopoly

    Something tells me this lot couldn't play Monopoly without it devolving into a giant fiasco, anyway. :laugh:
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    Options
    iMago wrote: »
    5j6ycHil.jpg
    i felt that

    i didn’t think we were here to play monopoly

    Something tells me this lot couldn't play Monopoly without it devolving into a giant fiasco, anyway. :laugh:

    do not pass go without-

    y’know what? i’d better not finish that thought
  • isadorahoefelva
    isadorahoefelva Posts: 1 Member
    Options
    honestly...becuz they feel like doing so
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,497 Member
    Options
    iMago wrote: »
    5j6ycHil.jpg
    i felt that

    i didn’t think we were here to play monopoly

    Twister. Yes.

    Monopoly. No.
  • BasedGawd412
    BasedGawd412 Posts: 346 Member
    edited October 2019
    Options
    honestly...becuz they feel like doing so


    g3vq3mxgr7cy.gif

    Simple as that, it's not that complexed.