WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    1sphere wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
    I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.
    However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.

    Tinder treated a dude pretty well

    OHftlQ1.png

    pm3wcv17qalq.png

    I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.
    You have to be photogenic, you literally have to possess the key things that women look for in photos. This is not the case with most guys out there. If you have some funny meme stuff going on in your profile, women might swipe right just because of that, but that doesn't mean that they're serious about liking your profile.
    I joined tinder last year, I didn't abuse the ELO system or anything. I have decent photos up and really just wanted to see what would come of it. I have only 6 "likes" who I cannot see since I don't pay for a membership.
    There also can be a lot said for joining these apps at the right time, I believe I joined at the wrong time.
    @CanesGalactica location also plays a part in this, in the US there's a population of 327.2 million, the country I'm in has a population of 4.7 million

    In the Pacific population and exposure is lacking to the extent where my cousins are being matched . Epic fail. Makes me wonder if similar occurrences happen in the US and larger markets.
  • mtndewme
    mtndewme Posts: 724 Member
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    Perhaps a new thread for this topic?
  • Finishiitnow
    Finishiitnow Posts: 896 Member
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    1sphere wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I think it's because they didn't find love

    I have met people that cheat even when they love their significant others and they have the perfect family!!!.
    Ok maybe I was wrong about that

    There is not right or wrong when we express our personal opinion.
    Let me know what else in your beautiful mind.
  • Penniwood
    Penniwood Posts: 7 Member
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    kam26001 wrote: »
    I thought this was gonna be about eating a whole pizza in bed on a frisky Sunday afternoon. :kissing_closed_eyes:

    Yea - I thought this was about cheating on your plan -- not you're partner. But it completely destroys your psychology when someone cheats on you. From my experience there are two main motivators: the person doesn't have the courage or vocabulary to have an honest and meaningful conversation about his/her expectations of the relationship. The second is just complete and utter narcissism.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,365 Member
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    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,365 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.
  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,739 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    Okay, sort of half related. I have a friend who apparently felt that receiving or giving oral was cheating, but straight on intercourse was AOK. Anyone care to explain his logic to me?

    I do like how you used the information you gleaned from your guy acquaintance to open up a convo with the person you were in a relationship with at the time.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
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    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,739 Member
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    You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

    I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while fyfluh4etvlb.jpg
  • glassyo
    glassyo Posts: 7,614 Member
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    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    Options
    glassyo wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.

    Yeah, and that’s cheating to me. It doesn’t matter if there is an emotional attachment or not.