WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    slessofme wrote: »
    You don't have to cheat. You can be monogamous with one person at a time, many lovers throughout your lifetime. Because why settle down when you can spend your lifetime sampling the whole buffet? My ex can tell you about that.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q

    I've had her book and this one on my list of books to get to for a while fyfluh4etvlb.jpg


    An excerpt from the book overview: "These women conceive of an alternate solution to a marriage that is not wholly working, where their own needs are ignored, unmet, and not prioritized."

    They glorify the alternate solution or third way, but it is often short-lived and proves to be expensive in divorce court.


    Then again, there are plenty of stories of men and women who have cheated for decades without consequence.

    Hedonistic proclivities>ethics for many.
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
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    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.

  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    kds10 wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.

    As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
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    kds10 wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.

    As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.

    Yeah for sure...I know the state of the marriage was not good..I own my responsibility in that for sure. So perhaps because of that I was more inclined to believe. Understand though if it ever happened again, I am done and he will lose a lot.
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    kds10 wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.

    As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.

    Yeah for sure...I know the state of the marriage was not good..I own my responsibility in that for sure. So perhaps because of that I was more inclined to believe. Understand though if it ever happened again, I am done and he will lose a lot.

    💜💜 you sound like a very understanding woman and he will lose a lot
  • glassyo
    glassyo Posts: 7,619 Member
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    nooshi713 wrote: »
    glassyo wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    But...you can have sex with someone and not have an emotional attachment.

    Yeah, and that’s cheating to me. It doesn’t matter if there is an emotional attachment or not.

    Ugh, I completely read that wrong. Kissing someone else (obviously not in a platonic way) is cheating to me.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    Motorsheen wrote: »

    I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.

    Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.

    But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.

    Amiright ??

    I want to agree, but I guess it is possible it could be the final smack in the face the served party needed to realize there really is an issue.
  • lauragreenbaum
    lauragreenbaum Posts: 1,017 Member
    edited October 2019
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    Ego- need to feel desired all of the time
    Immaturity- unable to commit to one person
    Selfishness
    Passive/aggressive behavior against their partner
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Motorsheen wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.

    Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.

    But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.

    Amiright ??



    .

    If only all people saw the end of a partnership in such a way. There are sooooooo many people who are in the situation mentioned above. Being told that the other party only wants to hear what they want to hear, that they refuse to acknowledge that something can't be "fixed", that they won't let it die without a fight (which will just drive the person further away and leave them both bitter for years after).

    Hence why I have mentioned that sometimes, a relationship is less like a partnership and more like a gilded cage. The cage may be pretty, but at the end of the day, it's still just a cage.
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    Motorsheen wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.

    Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.

    But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.

    Amiright ??



    .

    I would think so... damn there walked into oncoming traffic over a year ago, in an argument and I’ve never mentally come back from that. I don’t believe one should ever lose their mind. Let me go, damn.
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    Motorsheen wrote: »

    I don't understand why anyone would contest a divorce. The only people who win such a battle are the attorneys.

    Attend counseling? Sure. Make an attempt to rescue the marriage? That Too.

    But when one half of the partnership is waving the white flag, it's time to call it quits and make the split as quickly and as clean as possible.

    Amiright ??

    I want to agree, but I guess it is possible it could be the final smack in the face the served party needed to realize there really is an issue.


    In my case, it’s a power move. The attempt to come on top. When I have nothing to give. If I’m ready to leave without any financial means at the moment, I’d say it’s done.
  • nooshi713
    nooshi713 Posts: 4,877 Member
    edited October 2019
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    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    I’m not saying I don’t see how that’s wrong or could be painful but it is not cheating to me.

    There are many things I would not tolerate in a relationship that I don’t consider cheating.

    Also, sex is an extremely big deal to me that goes hand in hand with emotions so for me, a man stepping out on me like that is the ultimate betrayal.

    I would much rather a man connect emotionally with another woman than actually sleep with her. The second option can bring home HIV and kill me.

  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
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    kds10 wrote: »
    kds10 wrote: »
    H had an emotional thing with someone years ago...we stayed together. I didn't tell that many people partly because I think are others going to think I am stupid for keeping him around..I caught him twice with the same person (it was long distance..she didn't live close at all) I still get pissed off about it but I guess I realize that our marriage was not good for a while before that..disconnection, etc. However, not once have I cheated on him (even though at times I have been unhappy as well) and honestly sometimes I think he deserves to have it happen to him because until someone does it to you hard to understand the level of betrayal that you feel.

    I still get chills remembering that time and what it felt like.

    I’m sorry you went through that. Can I ask, did you both gain an emotional connection back? I personally do not have the same mindset, once I experienced a connection elsewhere and I have been honest about that with my spouse.

    My spouse is determined to change my mind, it’s more sad for me to watch him not hear me that I’m not getting back to a place mentally with him again. I’m wanting to divorce and pretty much was told he’s not going to go through a divorce without a fight.

    I think with H is that it was more of an ego boost, he was not getting what he needed from me..appreciation, etc. for a while before. He was also having issues sexually due to a medication he was on so he said that pretending by sexting, etc. with someone else made him feel more of a man (if that makes sense)...apparently to a guy having sexual issues is a huge blow to their ego from what I read and heard.

    As you can see through this thread, everyone sees things differently so if he told you that and you believe it, thats good you two worked it out. I hope things are better between you and him. I do believe life’s too short, to stay married and one or both parties unhappy.

    I am curious are you still living with your spouse?
  • Just_Mel_
    Just_Mel_ Posts: 3,992 Member
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    Cheating never existed before MFP.
  • kds10
    kds10 Posts: 452 Member
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    shunggie wrote: »
    I was cheated on and I believe 100% that it was a communication issue. When he told me what he needed, I thought he was a whiney child. He wasn't, I was just selfish and couldn't be bothered with what I considered neediness. That wasn't fair of me, and since I wasn't fulfilling his needs he cheated. He really should have said if you can't be the person I need we should split. Instead, he slept with a 20-year-old when he was 35ish. Now he's on his 4th marriage and has cheated on the first 3 and I can only assume will or has with the 4th. I think it's almost always communication issues.

    Yes but who is the common denominator in his three relationships that he has cheated during? Someone like that I think it is just in them to cheat regardless...
  • wmd1979
    wmd1979 Posts: 469 Member
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    ghudson92 wrote: »
    nooshi713 wrote: »
    slessofme wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    Maybe one does need to explicitly define the boundaries?

    If you don't, I suppose you leave the door open for the other person to say, "Well I didn't think pretending to be unattached and talking to people on a dating site was cheating because no physical contact occurred" or "I didn't think that flirting with/touching a whole bunch of other people at a party was cheating because no sex occurred" but the partner's interpretation of the behaviour's meaning for the relationship is completely different.

    But if neither party engages to open that door to discussion, then whose fault is it when it all falls terribly apart? (assuming it does)?

    I dunno. It doesn't sound terribly romantic to sit down and define terms and expectations but it certainly avoids misunderstandings.

    Real life example. Back in my 30s, about two years into a relationship with a guy, I learned that he believed "cheating" only took place within a legal marriage and didn't really apply the idea of fidelity to any other form of committed relationship. He had occasionally expressed strong negative views about cheating so I just assumed that we had the same understanding of what the term meant.

    Needless to say, that relationship didn't last much longer because we didn't share the same definition of commitment within a non-marital relationship.

    I knew a guy that told his wife that he didnt really cheat on her because it was "just oral". This prompted me to initiate a detailed conversation about boundaries with my ex (fiance at the time). It may not be romantic, but it is necessary. Like discussing how to manage in-law issues or saving vs spending, retirement planning, etc.

    I knew someone who felt dancing with someone else is cheating. I know many people who believe in emotional cheating. Lol.

    It is important to define the boundaries, I agree.

    To me, sex or oral is cheating. Kissing isn’t cheating and neither is an emotional connection.

    I do appreciate hearing thoughts, from someone who personally doesn’t believe an emotional affair is cheating.

    I will give a little insight, as why for myself it’s a huge thing. I personally don’t feel it’s hard to find someone to have a physical relationship with. There’s tons people in general ready for the physical act. The powerfulness between connecting with another’s mind, can bring the sex world into a whole other level (if you reach that point).

    If I’m in a relationship or marriage, find myself emotionally connected more so with a stranger, HUGE problem. That means, my person lost the most intimate part of me. For me, hard to come back from.

    Girl I agree with this 100%. Sex and physical attraction are so easy to come by. But mental attraction... Once someone connects to your mind and soul, that's when you're in trouble! I speak from experience.

    100% agree with this. In fact mental attraction can lead to physical attraction when it may not have been there initially. In my opinion of course.