WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I think it's because they didn't find love

    I have met people that cheat even when they love their significant others and they have the perfect family!!!.

    As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.

    It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
    for some men that’s a thing they like

    Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?

    yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,368 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I think it's because they didn't find love

    I have met people that cheat even when they love their significant others and they have the perfect family!!!.

    As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.

    It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
    for some men that’s a thing they like

    Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?

    yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.

    I'm aware of it in theory, not sure how prevalent it is given that it's not something the cuckold is going to chat about openly.

    Doubt it applied in either case as both husbands dumped her pretty quickly once they found out. She used to get a kick out of making Hubby #2 socialize with her lover and his wife though (the connection was only through her, they weren't all friends before she started the affair).
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I think it's because they didn't find love

    I have met people that cheat even when they love their significant others and they have the perfect family!!!.

    As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.

    It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
    for some men that’s a thing they like

    Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?

    yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.

    I'm aware of it in theory, not sure how prevalent it is given that it's not something the cuckold is going to chat about openly.

    Doubt it applied in either case as both husbands dumped her pretty quickly once they found out. She used to get a kick out of making Hubby #2 socialize with her lover and his wife though (the connection was only through her, they weren't all friends before she started the affair).

    sounds like it was her kink though. too bad she couldn’t be honest about it and find a willing partner
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.

    i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though

    I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.

    I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.
  • Reckoner68
    Reckoner68 Posts: 2,139 Member
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    Because they're confidence tricksters
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    Options
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.

    i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though

    I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.

    I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.

    you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    edited October 2019
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    Reckoner68 wrote: »
    Because they're confidence tricksters

    i have to pee, the bathroom is all the way over there, and you keep making me laugh

    edit because i forgot my oxford comma. i don’t care for capitalizing, but commas are dear to me
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    Options
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.

    i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though

    I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.

    I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.

    you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process

    It helps when you stop caring (as much) about the judgment of people (whether known or unknown). I realize now that I have nothing to really hide. The things I've done/the things that have been done to me.. I feel no shame over them anymore. They were and are (and always will be) part of a process of growth. Some parts a lot more painful than others.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    1sphere wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I need a "laugh" button :D

    We all do.
    I would also like if it posted the users name under who liked or disliked a post, that's fair right? It worked like that on some other forums.

    Well yeah. If you take away the anonymity, it would be abused a hell of a lot less.
  • ghudson92
    ghudson92 Posts: 2,061 Member
    Options
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.

    i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though

    I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.

    I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.

    you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process

    It helps when you stop caring (as much) about the judgment of people (whether known or unknown). I realize now that I have nothing to really hide. The things I've done/the things that have been done to me.. I feel no shame over them anymore. They were and are (and always will be) part of a process of growth. Some parts a lot more painful than others.

    I really enjoy you and your perspective on things.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
    Options
    Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.

    Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.

    Agree with this👆

    Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.

    What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.

    In my experience that would be highly irregular, as it opens the window to the probability of callousing your partner's emotions. Disclosure would be voided if this were to be a couple's running trend.

    Hypothetically, if:

    @neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people?

    I would assume the subservient/ reticent participant in this pseudo-open relationship would be hurt. Too many traditional coupling violations would be crossed over the course of such daliances sans agreement.

    @What if it was never discussed?


    Hmmmm... If particulates in an open relationship aren't discussed, clearly the dominant player in the coupling has abused his/her role and is taking advantage of the obvious newbie.

    @What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?

    Some couples my sister and I know have gone through this very scenario. I interpret it as a sense of over compensating on their love/trust meter. No relationship is going to be void of the 'pain threshold' being tested. It comes with the territory. If a couple had always practiced being open, the triggers are often addressed earlier on by one or both, thereby creating 'the boundaries' and allowable limits oftentimes quelling flare ups. If both are new, without adhering to basic coupling boundaries (even in a monogamous relationship), then they aren't going to last, unless they are anomalies who are capable of adapting to their open learning curve.
  • tirowow12385
    tirowow12385 Posts: 698 Member
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    Unhappiness for a variety of relationship reasons.
  • BasedGawd412
    BasedGawd412 Posts: 346 Member
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    1sphere wrote: »
    I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
    I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.
    However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.

    Tinder treated a dude pretty well

    OHftlQ1.png

    pm3wcv17qalq.png
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    Options
    1sphere wrote: »
    I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
    I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.
    However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.

    Tinder treated a dude pretty well

    OHftlQ1.png

    pm3wcv17qalq.png

    I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    Options
    1sphere wrote: »
    1sphere wrote: »
    I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:
    I personally believe that we can get by in this world, and find dates without the use of these apps. I still stand by my opinion that such apps need not exist. I got some disagrees after saying that already. But really, they do no good. Male users tend to have a lonely experience, female users experience being spammed or mollycoddled. They just don't end well and the truth is that they are making people even more detached.
    However, for more mature users who are aged 35+, I guess they probably can be beneficial. I can only speak for what I've experienced, and witnessed from other users.

    Tinder treated a dude pretty well

    OHftlQ1.png

    pm3wcv17qalq.png

    I always assumed this was the case based on male friends who use the app. They have little to no problem getting matches and they aren't the standard definition of what people consider to be "studs". Then again, I notice a lot of my friends legitimately using Tinder as a dating app (since dating websites cost money) instead of just using it to hookup. It's all just fascinating to me.
    You have to be photogenic, you literally have to possess the key things that women look for in photos. This is not the case with most guys out there. If you have some funny meme stuff going on in your profile, women might swipe right just because of that, but that doesn't mean that they're serious about liking your profile.
    I joined tinder last year, I didn't abuse the ELO system or anything. I have decent photos up and really just wanted to see what would come of it. I have only 6 "likes" who I cannot see since I don't pay for a membership.
    There also can be a lot said for joining these apps at the right time, I believe I joined at the wrong time.

    ELO? Electric Light Orchestra... what? :laugh:

    Also, I'm a lady (last I checked), but something tells me I'd be terrible at Tinder because I am not photogenic at all. :laugh: