WHY do people CHEAT?

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Replies

  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,226 Member
    Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.

    I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.

    I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 960 Member
    ythannah wrote: »
    Believe me, I know full and well that the idea of "truly, madly deeply in love" can be a conflated notion idealized in fiction. That was the reason I married who I did: basically, I used my rational, logical brain when telling myself that I should marry him, despite a nagging inner voice telling me that I wasn't sure I could be truly happy with him (my emotional brain?). I do believe there is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I don't know that I was ever in love with him, and know I'm not now. I also know that real love takes works and is a choice everyday to love someone fully and isn't just about chemistry and connection with someone.

    I agree 100%. However, I do think there needs to be something not quite rational (spark? chemistry? I don't even know what to call it) that keeps one there putting in the work, motivating one to choose to love the partner during the rough patches. Because every relationship has times where it's a hard slog.

    I really hope things turn out well for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like you've put a great deal of soul searching into it.

    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 960 Member
    You haven't spent any time standing alone on your own two feet. You've not given yourself time to heal. You've given us a lorra lorra details. You've made your case. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. Tearing two families apart to find happiness after a divorce will be fleeting. It will slip right through your fingers. Starting any kind of a relationship on this shaky ground is folly. You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You may be fearful of being alone. Maintaining these backburner romantic feelings to carry you through the years can evaporate before the ink is dry.

    I appreciate your advice, I really do. It does seem you are giving advice in my and others' best interest. I just wanted to clarify a few things.

    The other man is divorced and has no children ( a very amicable, mature divorce several years ago). Before my husband, I didn't really have any long-lasting relationships, so did stand ony own for quite some time before him. As I already said, the one with this other guy was short lived (about a month)because of other circumstances. I don't plan on jumping into any committed relationship right away after my divorce nor plan on introducing my children to a new man untill I know that it is serious. My children will come first. I am fully aware that starting a relationship with this other man on shaky ground does not bode well, hence another reason to take things slowly.

    I am truly terrified at all of this and yes, of being alone. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I am in the panic stage right now, but know if I want to be truly happy, as well as my husband, and stop giving my kids models of an unhealthy relationship, I need to do this. I know it seems like I'm leaving because there's the possibility of another relationship on the horizon. However, I've accepted that I will be alone in one way or another after this and need to do it regardless of what may or may not happen with this other man.
  • KL1887
    KL1887 Posts: 72 Member

    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again. [/quote]

    Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it.
  • Hiawassee88
    Hiawassee88 Posts: 24,281 Member
    I care. I wouldn't have bothered answering you if I didn't care. The end.
  • Speakeasy76
    Speakeasy76 Posts: 960 Member
    KL1887 wrote: »
    Thank you, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling right now as it's getting closer to when I can tell my husband and it's not something I haven't thought through over and and over again.

    Maybe book yourselves in for some relationship counselling as you go through the separation, it’ll hopefully allow you both to process your feelings in a neutral area allowing for a better relationship coming out of the other side of it. [/quote]

    Thank you, and that's a great idea. I was already planning on counseling for my kids and asking my son's counselor if she can do this or has recommendations. I hadn't really thought for all of us to help us process it together, but it makes a lot of sense. Thankful there are so many online options now.
  • PlentyofProtein00
    PlentyofProtein00 Posts: 3,160 Member
    I don’t know.
    But imo the worst part of being cheated on is the fact that that person could forget you exist while they do it.

    Or they don't forget you exist while cheating...and still choose to cheat...even worst type of infidelity