Wrong answers ONLY!

Cat0703a

Did Ronald McD wear a bow tie? 😂

By good, I’m thinking you mean effective…in which case I suggest spontaneous electric shock or letting a spider (preferably poisonous) loose in the room you are in.

Speaking of sleep, I should probably get some now. What is the best lullaby or bedtime story to read to lull me off to a peaceful slumber?

cmsienk

We all know that heavy metal music is some of the most soothing music to sleep by. Maybe Dan can get his neighbour to play you some of his favourites. 🎶 😴

My job here is done tomorrow around 5. What should I do with my evening off?

_Dan1985

Cat0703a wrote: »

Did Ronald McD wear a bow tie? 😂

By good, I’m thinking you mean effective…in which case I suggest spontaneous electric shock or letting a spider (preferably poisonous) loose in the room you are in.

Speaking of sleep, I should probably get some now. What is the best lullaby or bedtime story to read to lull me off to a peaceful slumber?

EDIT: Got ninja'd by @cmsienk

For a relaxing evening off, I'd say there's nothing more interesting and soothing than a large pile of tax returns, followed by some drunken phone calls to some exes you haven't spoken to in at least a decade. What's the worst that could happen?

Could you suggest a first pet for my 7 year old niece?

cmsienk

It's good that you clarified it was for your young niece and not for yourself - as that would probably be a different first pet suggestion altogether. Children are known to lose things, so for her I'd suggest a pet large enough not to be misplaced. I think an elephant is your best option there. Give it a a birthday present - her parents will be thrilled.

Thanks to @_Dan1985's suggestion, I got my taxes done early. So early, in fact, that I had to guess at some of the numbers as the year isn't actually over. What do you think the ramifications of that might be for me?

frankwbrown

In all likelihood, the fact that you could finish your taxes before the year is even finished will, once the word gets out, result in thousands of people wanting to persuade you to do their taxes for them. Those that know you will attempt to bribe you with offers of risotto ristretto latte's. It's quite possible you could develop this into a new career, one that requires no trips to Las Vegas or other undesirable destinations. And of course, once the IRS learns of your financial acumen, they will want to put you in charge of the IRS itself.

Just this past week, I've begun doing tai chi again. I practice the Yang style long form which consists of 108 movements. There are shorter forms, most commonly the short form of 24 movements. At the pace most practitioners go, the long form takes about 25 minutes. In this day and age, that seems like an inordinate waste of time. Why can't I speed that up and have it over and done with inside a minute? Of course, I could do a short form, but I want the whole enchilada. Am I not seeing the big picture? What are my options?

nossmf

***Editor's note: I step away from the internet for 24 hours, and suddenly this thread has a new poster AND a dozen new questions/answers to review! Very nice surprise! ***

Tai chi is an ancient martial art dedicated to making its practitioners more in tune with their own body rhythms, specifically their heartbeat. The faster the heartbeat, the faster the user should flow from one pose to the next. This is why older experts move so slow, it's because their hearts are beating slow. Younger users are encouraged to learn about their body through making their hearts beat at different paces, with the tai chi forms following pace. How do you change your heartbeat? Listening to music is the recommended method, with fast-paced music causing the most dramatic shift in heartbeat. (Side note: this could explain @_Dan1985's neighbor playing heavy metal at 3am... he's practicing his tai chi.) So, @frankwbrown, this next week of tai chi, you should play a variety of music during your session, timing your moves with the beat of the music. Perhaps a schedule of starting the week with soothing lullabies to ease back into the week after a weeklong hangover, moving progressively faster into militant 110 bpm marching cadence by week's end so you're primed for that big weekend.

My radio DJ was talking about a new horror movie reputed to be so scary that people are passing out in the theater and being taken to the hospital. I'm not a big horror movie fan, so I'll never watch it, but what could possibly be so scary as to cause this reaction?

Cat0703a

I heard it’s about the imminent shortage of coffee beans in 2023. Don’t worry, it won’t be scary to you at all! 🤗 Poor @cmsienk though!

I’m headed out of town on Friday for a final concert of a big name artist. How should I make this trip even more memorable?

nossmf

Climb up on stage with this artist to sing a duet. The crowd will no doubt love you so much that you'll become the next big name in show business. How fitting that the last concert of one artist should also double as the first concert of another.

All great concert artists employ a lesser-known artist/band to perform as a warm-up before the main concert begins. Who should @Cat0703a employ as her warm-up?

_Dan1985

There's an upcoming rap artist named George W. Bush, he's little known in the scene but I believe dabbled in politics for a time and is a real crowd pleaser. If he could do 15 minutes, maybe drop a couple of tracks from his upcoming album 'Straight Outta DC' - that'd surely get the audience ready.

Thanks to @cmsienk my niece is now blessed with a beautiful pet elephant but the town council are upset that many of the trees on their street have been pulled down by it. They're having a town hall meeting tonight to discuss the situation, what I could I do or say at this meeting that might calm the situation?

cmsienk

Do I hear you volunteering? Keeping it in the MFP family, I hereby nominate you as @Cat0703a's warm up act. Please take a break from setting up your man cave to go out on the road with her and wow the fans.

Now who's the ninja, @_Dan1985?

Now regarding your elephant situation... turn the negative into a positive and lobby for adding to the menagerie by having your town start a circus! Inform them of the potential increase to town revenue. You'll definitely be a hero. (I suggest working to a PowerPoint presentation with supporting data.)

So, I got to the airport with my trusty pbj airplane lunch and got in line at Starbucks to get a latte. Imagine my disappointment in reading a posted sign notifying those in line that the store was having water pressure issues and didn't have espresso or even coffee drinks for sale - only cold drinks and tea. What's a good substitute to have with my pbj when we get up in the air? (Don't suggest milk - I walked to several other establishments on the concourse - they're was no milk to me found.)

nossmf

This example is why you don't construct your PBJ until right before you're ready to eat it. By keeping the bread, peanut butter and jelly in separate containers, you retain options. For example, in this scenario you could construct a PB-only sandwich and drink the jelly directly from the jar. As a bonus, once the jelly jar is empty, you now have a convenient holder for whatever drinks the plane does happen to have in stock. Trust me, you haven't lived until you experience cheap champagne drunk out of a (mostly) empty jelly jar at 30 thousand feet.

Our workplace drinking fountain is out of commission due to somebody attempting to pour coffee grounds into the drain and clogging the pipes. This has happened several times in the last month. The big boss wants somebody's head on a platter, and I'd rather it not be mine. Since I never drink coffee, I know it's not me, but I'm at a loss whether I should assist in the investigation or keep my head down until this all blows over. Any advice? (True story, btw.)

Cat0703a

You should hang out for your entire shift every day at this water fountain and chit chat with all that use it. Your boss won’t mind your drop in productivity since you with either catch the culprit or save him the constant repair of the pipes. You’ll have to work on your office small talk since you are now the official water cooler chit chatter.

I’ve been practicing for my duet and future new career as singer all day. Thank you for the advice!! My new boss was less than thrilled when I told her she may need to repost my job so soon but I’m certain she’ll get over it once she gets front row tickets to see the great @nossmf and the former politician in their warm up acts.

It’s finally feeling like fall (autumn) here after a long late summer. Soon it will be months of grey sky and rain. How do I avoid the winter blues that come from this blah weather?

Mtn_hikin

Just wear shorts all year round. If it’s cold you can add a hoodie but commit to shorts.

How can we include more bacon in the comments ?

frankwbrown

Have you not heard of the new bacon-tinted sunglasses? Through the miracle of modern optics and artificial intelligence, these glasses will randomly replace words in your visual field with bacon. You can adjust the percentage of words to be randomly replaced, depending on your preferences. Technically, this bacon through bacon bacon and so bacon end result. The inventor has filed a bacon, and intends to license bacon to bacon bacon.

Why is it still Thursday where I am, and yet it is Friday elsewhere?

nossmf

Whoa...through the power of bacon, you have discovered time travel! Either that, or you've eaten a bad batch of bacon which has induced hallucinations. But since there's no such thing as bad bacon, it must be the first option.

My fantasy football team is doomed to a losing season since almost 2/3 of my players are injured. How can I predict which NFL players will get injured so I don't add them to my team next year?

frankwbrown

As one who has never played fantasy football, I can offer you expert advice:
Obviously, predicting player injuries is challenging to say the least. Until someone understands chaos theory sufficiently to apply it in computing the effect of chaos on football, you'll need to apply a little guesswork. So, let's minimize risk: the less a player plays, the less chance of their injury, so build your team from bench warmers. Bench warmers should remain fairly injury-free. Alternatively, build your team to consist exclusively of kickers. A team consisting of bench warmers and kickers is your best bet for an injury-free season.
(You may need to tweak this strategy a bit if your goal is to win, but this is a good starting point.)

How much candy should I buy, and what kind, in anticipation of Halloween?

paperpudding

But who really wants the little blighters coming knocking at your door?

They will whether you like it or not this year - so strategy is to avoid them coming next year. If they have such a bad experience this year they will spread word to avoid your place next year - doesn't matter what sort of candy you buy - but I suggest lacing with some sort of emetic.

timing is crucial here - you dont want it acting so fast that the kids vomit on your porch or even your front yard but you want it fast enough that they know it was candy from you.

you may need to experiment a bit first - try out different amounts on work colleagues or family members first.
teenage children or mothers in laws are good candidates



I am having a bbq today but it is starting to rain.
Are there any rain dances in reverse that can halt this water in its tracks?

nossmf

My first thought was for you to invite me to dance at your BBQ, because my dancing is guaranteed to drive ANYTHING away...rain, ex-girlfriends, future-girlfriends, mosquitos, extraterrestrials, weird uncles named Steve... But unfortunately, I've already been asked to crash @cmsienk's party and start dancing when it's time for everybody to go home. In my absence, perhaps you could play a video of me dancing with the screen pointing upwards towards the rain.

Why am I able to think of several intelligent questions to ask in this thread when I'm offline doing something else, but when I have the opportunity to post one of them here, my mind often forgets the question until AFTER I have posted something far more inane?

_Dan1985

@nossmf The reason you are only able to think of intelligent questions when you are offline is clearly because you aren't spending enough time on the internet. You need to move into a basement apartment, no windows or sources of natural light. Next stop all exercise, and strictly no healthy food whatsoever. We need you on a diet of cheetos, full sugar cola and little else for maximum focus. Spend at least 15 hours a day online, especially on sites like 4chan and reddit. I am led to believe that people who spend all of their time on those sites, arguing about politics and gaming are by far the most intelligent and witty that the world has to offer. You'll soon be able to think of the best questions for this thread if you follow those simple steps.

I'm thinking of going camping before the weather gets too cold, what are some essentials to take with me that are often overlooked for such trips?

cmsienk

People always forget to bring slower friends 😉 for any bears that might be encountered while camping. Make sure you load up on those before you go.

I'm just leaving a baby shower for my nephew and his wife where we ate food, watched presents being opened and played a few standard baby shower games (word unscramble, bingo, etc). Those games, while better than nothing to pass the time, could use an overhaul. Any good suggestions?