When someone can't have kids

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  • jenjencin78
    jenjencin78 Posts: 4,415 Member
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    and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.

    So?

    Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.

    You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.


    At 31 years of age I had a stroke-not from being overweight, not from smoking or any other unhealthy lifestyle choice it was from hormonal BC. That was the ONLY risk factor I had. Tubal ligation- YES PLEASE. There are risks involved with other forms of BC and it's not just black and white.
  • skullshank
    skullshank Posts: 4,324 Member
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    I had a vasectomy, lets hook up.

    haha me too bro! *high5 to blanks*
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    and honestly, in my opinion, and dont take offense please, permanant sterilization is so unnecessary, there are so many other things you can do to prevent pregnancy besides that.

    So?

    Maybe some of us would rather not have to be on artificial hormones for years and don't want to deal with condoms while in a long-term, monogomous relationship and know for certain we do not want more (or any) children.

    You don't have to undergo the procedure, but I'm not sorry I did it.


    At 31 years of age I had a stroke-not from being overweight, not from smoking or any other unhealthy lifestyle choice it was from hormonal BC. That was the ONLY risk factor I had. Tubal ligation- YES PLEASE. There are risks involved with other forms of BC and it's not just black and white.
    Yep.

    My former coworker's wife had a pill-related stroke when she was 19. It's rare and I thankfully never had those issues.

    BUT ... the last two years I was on the pill, I was having two-week-long periods (no idea why). I switched to Mirena and it caused weight gain and made losing impossible. The non-hormonal IUD was not an option because of heavy periods.

    I knew 10 years ago I was done having kids. My insurance covered my tubal and ablation (I was having gallbladder surgery, anyway, so I just did it all at once). I had gone back to the pill, but that was $7 a month even with insurance. I have a teeny, less-than-an-inch-long scar along the hairline down there and it's not even visible anymore (not even a year old) unless you REALLY look for it.

    It was a good choice for me and I suspect for many other women for their own reasons.
  • SoDamnHungry
    SoDamnHungry Posts: 6,998 Member
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    Let's say you're together 6 months, a year, however long it takes for a couple to start talking about marriage, kids, ect. and you find out the person you love can't have kids, would that affect how you felt about them?

    Or if you somehow knew beforehand that someone couldn't, would they be someone you wouldn't be willing to settle down with?

    I'd be pissed they didn't tell me sooner if it was after six months of dating. That's kind of like lying to them the whole time.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,691 Member
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    According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.

    First of all I'm sorry, he sounds like a jerk. One of the funny things about people is we are so self centered that we think that all other people in the world think the same way we do. For example, your husband is not even considering the fact that SO MANY people do not even want to have kids, already have enough, or are perfectly content with the idea of being in a relationship with someone who already has children. Some people don't like kids at all. Some people say one is enough....You get the point.

    But to answer the question, yes, the concept of children is a huge deal to me personally when considering a relationship or marriage. I really want to have kids, and my boyfriend does too. It is obviously important to have the same desires for your future and for your life in general. Some people just do not want to have kids, and that is fine. However, I do, and I would not waste a second of my time dating a man who did not ever want to have kids. Not worth my time or emotional investment or (god forbid) the trauma induced on a child we may accidentally have with a father who never wanted him/her in the first place.

    ANYWAY. This thread struck me because I recently had a friend go through something similar....He dated a girl for FIVE YEARS of his life and one day they had a conversation where she stated she never wanted children, and they ended the relationship. It sucks but you cannot sacrifice your own wants, goals and desires in life for someone else's.
  • mandasalem
    mandasalem Posts: 346 Member
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    If someone can't have kids and doesn't want to, then that's something that can be an understandable barrier to a relationship working.

    if someone can't have kids but wants kids, then that shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Biological ties are overrated. Can't emphasize that enough.
  • MzManiak
    MzManiak Posts: 1,361 Member
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    According to my soon to be ex husband; my inability to have anymore kids is going to make it hard for me to maintain another relationship and I'll be lucky if I ever find another man to marry me. I willingly can't have anymore kids (my tubes are tied) and I already have 2 kids. I want to know though, when you are looking to settle down with someone is that something that is super important to you? I want to hear what both sides have to say about why it is and isn't.


    If they want to have kids, yes. I won't date a guy who wants kids in his future. I have 3 already... I really don't think I can provide for another the way I should. Plus, my oldest is almost 10 already... do I really want to have babies when I also have teenagers? Probably not! lol
  • sugboog29
    sugboog29 Posts: 630 Member
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    I married a man with 3 kids and he had custody. I knew going into the relationship (I was 21) that he had a vasectomy after his daughter was born and couldn't have any additional children. We have been together 29 years and married 24 of those. Do I regret not birthing my own children...NO. I helped him raise is 3, they were 11, 9, and 5 when we started dating. To me they are as much mine as his and they feel the same about me.

    So, tell the soon to be ex he is SOOOOO wrong. A true man will love you and your children for who you are, not for what you can or can't give him.
  • Fullsterkur_woman
    Fullsterkur_woman Posts: 2,712 Member
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    when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them.
    It's also normal not to. Just sayin'.
  • luckyshilling
    luckyshilling Posts: 229
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    I have actually witnessed a similar discussion with some of my husbands single friends. They were having a conversation about dating women that already have kids (my husbands friends kind of flock to our house so I am frequently the lone female). One of the first things one of them brought up was that a lot of women who already have kids are not looking to have more kids (whether they have made that permanent or not). Basicly, all the guys agree that one of first things they ask these ladies is if they are done having kids (this group of fellas ranges from 25-32). For some it was a deal breaker if the woman was done. But more of the guys agreed if they wanted kids and the woman has kids, then if things go right they just kinda become their kids too and they don't feel like they would need to have their 'own baby'.

    I don't know if that is what men typically think, but there you go.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    I made the decision when I started dating that I was going to be child-free. I told my fiance I'd marry him or live with him without marrying, didn't matter to me, but if he insisted on children, he was going to have to look elsewhere. He had a vasectomy the week after we married, if he hadn't I would have had a tubal ligation, and vasectomy was simpler. Both sets of parents thought I cheated him out of some wonderful thing. HE says that half an hour with his various nieces and nephews was enough to take care of any paternal yearnings he may have had. I've never had a second's regret. So, yes, a man wanting children would have been a deal breaker for me. I may have casually dated a wanna-be dad, but there would be no serious relationship other than friends.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    when you love someone it is normal to have a child with them.
    It's also normal not to. Just sayin'.



    Exactly. There is no imperative to parenthood. I love my husband more than life, and I would never have had a child with him, or with anyone else.
  • pseudomuffin
    pseudomuffin Posts: 1,058 Member
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    My fiance is in his 40s, has no children and doesn't want any, either. So men that don't want children do exist, your ex is just being a jerk to try to get under your skin.
  • Pulka_Dot
    Pulka_Dot Posts: 87 Member
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    Yes it is super important to me. I want kids and nothing will change that. It would not be fair for me to give that up because my spouse says he doesn't want them and vice versa. When we were dating, I told my husband that if he doesn't want kids, that's a deal breaker.
  • stumblinthrulife
    stumblinthrulife Posts: 2,558 Member
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    There are plenty of guys in the world who never want to have kids. But with that said, people do change.

    So I'd say you'll have no problem finding someone, but you do have an additional 'risk factor' of losing them again.
  • HideyoshiKinoshita
    HideyoshiKinoshita Posts: 46 Member
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    Well, I'm big on adoption so no this wouldn't break any deals for me.
  • BL_Coleman
    BL_Coleman Posts: 324 Member
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    I think it shoudl be discussed pretty quickkly just because life goals matter....I love my husband but if he were to decide that kids were out of the picture...he would have to be too...Its just what I want in life...

    I also have a friend is who is dating a guy and they click because neither wants children...

    It should be discussed before emotions play a part..otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other for "lying" about what you want in life
  • tlou5
    tlou5 Posts: 497 Member
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    I was not able to have children and my husband is still with me. There are always other options. Such as adoption which we did x2 and I can't imagine life without.
  • Nickle526
    Nickle526 Posts: 239 Member
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    Sex outside of marriage is a sin.

    Belly-shirts outside of marriage are a sin.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I have actually witnessed a similar discussion with some of my husbands single friends. They were having a conversation about dating women that already have kids (my husbands friends kind of flock to our house so I am frequently the lone female). One of the first things one of them brought up was that a lot of women who already have kids are not looking to have more kids (whether they have made that permanent or not). Basicly, all the guys agree that one of first things they ask these ladies is if they are done having kids (this group of fellas ranges from 25-32). For some it was a deal breaker if the woman was done. But more of the guys agreed if they wanted kids and the woman has kids, then if things go right they just kinda become their kids too and they don't feel like they would need to have their 'own baby'.

    I don't know if that is what men typically think, but there you go.
    In that age group, you are more likely to find men who do want children because many don't have them yet and haven't been married or anything. The older you get, the more likely you're going to find men who are divorced or widowed and either already have children or have decided they don't want them at all and it becomes less of an issue.

    My SO has a daughter and a stepson he thinks of as his. I have a daughter. Neither of us wanted more, so it worked out. We were 28 and 32 when we met.

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