Skinny girl and her obese boyfriend

septemberrr

Hi there,

I'm not sure if this is a proper channel to seek advice, but I'm really at my wit's ends now

I'm a naturally skinny girl (both my parents are skinny) with a voracious appetite. I am in a long term relationship with this guy, B, who unfortunately does not share my good genes. He is 6" and 196 pounds, and 28 years old.

I love this man to bits but I worry constantly for his health as I understand the risks that obesity carries. He is a big guy, with a large paunch and huge thighs, and he loves his food and beer. He easily downs 4-5 pints of beer a day on the weekend, plus 1/3 bottle of whisky.

He does run though, perhaps for 30-40 min once or twice a week. His job sees him standing about 7 hours a day.

He has put on about 20 pounds in recent months, and he gets very annoyed when I tell him that he needs to get back into shape by adopting a healthier diet, i.e cutting out carbs and deep fried food. He doesn't binge on the fried stuff regularly, but he loves his carbs.

The ideal situation: I'd like to have him cut half his carb intake, and to only have deep fried food/red meat just once a week. And of course, reduce his booze intake by half as well (this is the hardest part as we both love our alcohol).

We often get into fights whenever I tick him off about his weight, and he goes into 100% defensive mode such as "You're eating as much as I am, why are you restricting me?", or "I like my weight, you can't do anything about it".

I have tried other methods such as suggesting that we go through this as a couple, with me eating whatever he eats, and I have offered to cook him lunch thrice a week to take to work, but he is still extremely stubborn and well, in denial.

Is there anyone facing a similar prob? How can I broach this topic again without offending him? Do note that I have tried many ways including 1) Blowing my top and threatening him (didn't work at all; got even worse), 2) The soft approach ("please let me help you", "I really care for you and I want you to be healthy") and 3) The Its Your F*cking Health ("If you don't eat healthy you WILL DIE YOUNG")

Mcgrawhaha

6 ft tall and 196 doesnt seem too obese to me. my husband is 6 foot 2 and 220, and hes built nicely.

Achrya

Is 6" and 196 pounds obese?

I checked, that's barely overweight. (Bmi of 25.8) and depending on muscle mass and such...you might need to calm down.

snazzyjazzy21

You can't make him do anything, especially if he's happy the way he is. You're naturally skinny? That's great but it doesn't make you any healthier than him, thin ≠ healthy. Perhaps if you made changes to your diet, he might too, especially if you share meals together.

besaro

its sweet you care, but either love him for who he is, where he is, or move on.

determinedbutlazy

Yep, he's literally 0.8 over a healthy BMI, come on.

thefragile7393

its sweet you care, but either love him for who he is, where he is, or move on.

Precisely. My ex was 5'11 and pushing 300 pounds...nothing I did worked. Only now did I learn what the previous poster quoted above said (he had other issues but still...in a relationship in general, the above is true). I agree that 6" and in the 190s isn't really obese....I wish my ex had been that light.

septemberrr

Hi all!

Hmm obese may be a little strong a word - perhaps overweight might be a better description on hindsight.

I know i should accept him fr what he is, and I do (i like my men chunky and that's what attracted me in the first place), but he has really piled on the pounds since we met five years ago, and his paunch is getting scary. He even rests his arm on his tummy while seated sometimes! I am really afraid that it may adversely affect his health.

ElsaVonMarmalade

He's not obese. He's barely overweight according to the CDC's BMI chart - not a perfect measure, but there it is.

Here's the thing: Fat people know they are fat. And they know where to find information about how to be less fat. You bringing it up does nothing but hurt his feelings. NOTHING but hurt his feelings. I suggest that you learn to live with it or go find someone who fits your image of good health.

ostrichagain

EDIT - looks like we posted at the same time, so I think this is now redundant and unhelpful.

Mine is 6'4" and 250. His BMI is obese, but he's actually just muscular like a viking! Men do not liked to be nagged (really, who does). Let him make his own decisions and you can accept it and love him anyway or move on. I don't mean that in a snarky way, I'm just saying there isn't much you can do to make people change. They have to want it for themselves and for their own reasons.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

He's not obese, he's marginally overweight.

The best thing you can do is try to figure out why you equate thinness with health.

And maybe stop trolling, cause I have no ideal how this would happen in real life without him walking you out to the curb.

Also, ain't nothing wrong with carbs.

Achrya

Hi all!

Hmm obese may be a little strong a word - perhaps overweight might be a better description on hindsight.

I know i should accept him fr what he is, and I do (i like my men chunky and that's what attracted me in the first place), but he has really piled on the pounds since we met five years ago, and his paunch is getting scary. He even rests his arm on his tummy while seated sometimes! I am really afraid that it may adversely affect his health.

He is barely overweight and if you thought he was chunky when he was 20 pounds lighter and in the middle of the healthy weight range I think your perception might just be skewed.

KinzieElise

I have to agree with pretty much all the replies. He's barely overweight and skinny doesn't equal healthy. Perhaps if you want him to be healthier you should start with yourself, which you might have done since you're on MFP in the first place. If nothing else you might realize that carbs are not the enemy. Also, stop nagging. Honestly, that is the absolute worst thing to do to someone who is/might be sensitive about their weight already. I know my immediate reaction is to get super defensive and closed off whenever anyone mentions my weight or my need to lose weight.

septemberrr

I recognise that he feels annoyed at being nagged at, but I really wish i could do something for him. I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health? I'm getting inundated with "findings" that go "A beer belly increases heart disease by two folds" etc, and it scares me to think that one day he might get a heart attack and die at 35 or something.

I admit i've also said some unpleasant words about his looks hoping it might knock him awake and i do regret that.

Anyhow, thanks for all the harsh words. I guess i really need to take a step back.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health?

Yes. 100% yes. Particularly if he otherwise has no health issues.

I guess i really need to take a step back.

If you actually love him and not want him to leave you, yes.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Maybe think about how you'd feel if he insisted you gain a couple pounds because he's worried you're too thin... by being cruel and nasty.

Would that motivate you?

SLLRunner

I recognise that he feels annoyed at being nagged at, but I really wish i could do something for him. I mean, is it really too paranoid of me to equate his weight with health? I'm getting inundated with "findings" that go "A beer belly increases heart disease by two folds" etc, and it scares me to think that one day he might get a heart attack and die at 35 or something.

I admit i've also said some unpleasant words about his looks hoping it might knock him awake and i do regret that.

Anyhow, thanks for all the harsh words. I guess i really need to take a step back.

Please stop saying harsh words to your beau about his weight. It's hurtful, and from what you describe he is not obese.

You are the one who needs to change, not him. Besides, you can't make another person change.

I have a beau who is overweight, I've been with him for eight years, and I would never think of saying a word about his weight. That's his business. My job is to love him the way he is. However, if he asks for weight loss advice, I share my experience with him but I don't tell him what to do.

BattleTaxi

OP should be thankful her BF hasn't dumped her superficial bum for someone better.

Mcgrawhaha

ok, now i think your a troll... and if your not, he should get far far away... quick! your perception of health is off track.

TribeHokie

He's not obese. He's barely overweight according to the CDC's BMI chart - not a perfect measure, but there it is.

Here's the thing: Fat people know they are fat. And they know where to find information about how to be less fat. You bringing it up does nothing but hurt his feelings. NOTHING but hurt his feelings. I suggest that you learn to live with it or go find someone who fits your image of good health.

This exactly. If I were with someone who treated me the way you say you have and who felt like they had the right to set my goal carb/alcohol/red meat intake I would be out the door so fast it would make your head spin.

CMB1979

A guess a big booty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm 5'9" and 179 lbs (down from 265) and my elementary school students call me "pig" because, here in Korea, a 5'9" guy may weigh around 125-135 lbs. If you don't like the way he looks and it's too much for you to handle, move on and let him find someone who can handle it - literally.