Skinny girl and her obese boyfriend

Options
1246789

Replies

  • septemberrr
    septemberrr Posts: 10
    Options
    Carbs will NOT kill him. Ironically, the booze might (and I say that as a drinker).

    You seriously check he's still breathing in the night? Can I suggest you might be the one who needs behaviour modification?

    Just once every couple of months though, so no need for behaviour mod.. for now!
  • justwanderful
    justwanderful Posts: 142 Member
    Options
    Cut him lose. He deserves to be happy and it sounds like you're a miserable partner.
  • anemoneprose
    anemoneprose Posts: 1,805 Member
    Options


    A) whoa. Seriously. Relax.

    B) two whole drumsticks? Geezus

    Agree with this, yikes.

    What's changed in the past months? The engagement? New job? Why did he gain so suddenly?

    Regardless, your panic will not help things, and boundaries, and communication, and yikes.


    (fyi was not advocating stealth lunches, was just saying, if they were going to happen, buddy should at least enjoy them)
  • candylilacs
    candylilacs Posts: 614 Member
    Options
    I think you missed the major point -- she said they are Japanese and so she may be measuring him by a smaller BMI (Japan's average BMI is 22.5!). My friend from Japan has a BMI of 16. She's a twig! However, she doesn't look unhealthy, so I guess she has small bones. Anyway, if you get used to people being super thin -- six pounds overweight can look big.

    That said -- you can't force anyone to lose weight. You can cook healthier food and ask them to go on walks with you or work out with you, but that's as far as you can go without being controlling and weird. Good luck!
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
    Options
    Men don't like a nag. For your relationship's sake, you should stop.

    You can't make people eat better either, that's on them.
  • Adw7677
    Adw7677 Posts: 201 Member
    Options
    You should love him the way he is or you'll be losing 196 pounds.
  • hazellac
    hazellac Posts: 90 Member
    Options


    If my husband cooked for me and only gave me half a potato, after telling me numerous times how fat I'm getting, I'd throw an actual fit. You can't just screw with a person's potato.

    :laugh: :happy: :happy: I would be exactly the same, someone handed me a meal with half a potato I'd flip, majorly! Saying that with the harsh words and nagging about the weight I'd be long gone by now anyway.
  • peachfigs
    peachfigs Posts: 831 Member
    Options
    I have to agree with pretty much all the replies. He's barely overweight and skinny doesn't equal healthy. Perhaps if you want him to be healthier you should start with yourself, which you might have done since you're on MFP in the first place. If nothing else you might realize that carbs are not the enemy. Also, stop nagging. Honestly, that is the absolute worst thing to do to someone who is/might be sensitive about their weight already. I know my immediate reaction is to get super defensive and closed off whenever anyone mentions my weight or my need to lose weight.

    I agree with this. If you value fitness and a healthy lifestyle, pursue it yourself and let him know that if he wants to, he can join you any time he likes. Forcing him or shouting at him will not work, and he is bound to get defensive if you approach it in that sort of way. Without trying to sound harsh, though, his weight is none of your business whether you're concerned for his health or not. Loving him means supporting him and encouraging him, not telling him what you think is best for him. If you demonstrate a good example by being diligent with your health and fitness habits, maybe he will be inspired and decide to follow suit. If not, accepting him for who he is will be less stressful for both of you.


    I'm not a hypochondriac. I do however harbour an unhealthy paranoia, and that is that he'd die prematurely. I even wake up in the middle of the night to check on his breathing, haha. And I guess that forms the root of my problems - I don't care how he looks like (though hey, I wouldnt mind a smaller paunch on him!), and I just want to ensure that his health is optimal and not besieged by myriad of problems in his later years due to his bad choice of diet in his younger days. I hope that sounds fair. We're getting married next year, so naturally I'd want a long-lived marriage!

    That is your issue, not his. Please don't push that onto him. Your boyfriend is actually in the normal-slightly overweight range. Perhaps cognitive therapy would be useful to you, because it sounds like you have a lot of distorted thoughts about health that will, if you continue down this path, push him away from you.
    I never knew it hurt that much to be told that one needs to re-think one's diet. In fact I thought he'd be glad that someone is showing him that much concern.

    You aren't merely telling him to rethink his diet, you said you have used the 'threatening approach' and also said things about his body that you regret. That's very different to encouraging him to eat healthier, or setting an example yourself. I have also had my partner do the same thing to me that you're doing to yours, and it was humiliating, and it didn't make me want to get up and try at all. It ground me down into the floor. Read 'Feeling Good' or 'Feeling Good Together' (For Couples) by David Burns, it's a good cognitive therapy book and it will help you to communicate better with your partner.
  • Hildy_J
    Hildy_J Posts: 1,050 Member
    Options
    Give him an ultimatum and if he doesn't hit it, go for an upgrade.

    Kidding!

    The only behaviour we can change is our own. x
  • mperrott2205
    mperrott2205 Posts: 737 Member
    Options
    You're too skinny. He could find someone better than you.
  • Susuwatari
    Susuwatari Posts: 8 Member
    Options
    Some people are wider build. Like my husband he's wider build so he's seems "fat" but he does have a beer belly. I tried to get him to do some exercise in the past few weeks but he refuse (main he's been having a bit problem with he's sinus) so I started doing sits-ups at home and exercise and few days ago he said to me he'll start doing it :)

    So my point is start doing it yourself and maybe he'll follow you :)
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
    Options
    He's a healthy weight. However the amount of fat he is carrying might not please you.

    - you can dump him,
    - you can accept him,
    - you can try to change him and see how that goes.

    I would not accept someone telling me what I can or cannot eat - I left my mother's home at the age of 17, learned pretty good eating habits and am not intersted in having another mother, sitter or trainer at home.

    There is absolutely no need to drop carbs.
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
    Options
    1) try get him to cut his carbs, but NOT the meat.
    Just this one thing, see how low he can get it in a day almost like it is a challenge.
    Log it for him, or get him in the habit of sing MFP and not lying to it.

    If he copes fine with this, then how about trying him on a keto diet. Eat mainly fatty meat, cheese, butter, cream basically all those 'fat' foods you think are bad for you etc, few dark green veg on the side, almost zero carbs. Don't even have to count calories at first, just again let him get used to that. He will probs feel fuller more and eat less. See if you can get him to start doing weight lifting to build up muscle to burn off extra cals at rest.

    So after used to that, then start calorie counting as well as keto diet.

    Each step is little, and he doesnt have to cut down on or give up one of the foods he loves so won't see it as having no pleasure.

    Sell it as the bacon and cheese diet, he'll love the sound of that and its pretty damn accurate and crazy as it sounds, it works and burns fat like nothing else.

    You could even try it yourself, just make sure you count cals and are eating enough to not lose weight. It will also set you up well for starting to do lifting if you want to 'tone' up a bit

    Hi, thanks for this! It actually sounds do-able. I was actually planning to start cooking him meals healthy lunches based on grilled chicken or baked fish and just vegetables, with perhaps half a potato with a little butter. Does that sound realistic?

    I just stuck up for you on page 1. Please don't go back to actively trying to force him into anything. :grumble:

    If my husband cooked for me and only gave me half a potato, after telling me numerous times how fat I'm getting, I'd throw an actual fit. You can't just screw with a person's potato.

    :laugh: That's what I was thinking!
  • TheVimFuego
    TheVimFuego Posts: 2,412 Member
    Options
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

    Great, as well as nagging him to death because deep down the OP doesn't want to be seen out with a lardy (concerns about his health my bottom) we are going to wheel him off to AA too?

    It's a wonder he doesn't drink MORE in the face of all this, I feel sorry for him.
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
    Options
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

    This isn't the forum for that.

    I don't think I understand this. This lady is complaining about her boyfriend's bad habits. No one addressed what I thought was the most obvious. She did mention it, after all.

    She meant MFP isn't the place to diagnose alcoholism. I addressed it, though. Quoted below. :flowerforyou:
    Am I the only one who noticed that the guy has a binge drinking problem? He may be on his way to alcoholism.

    About 12 beers and 8 oz of Whiskey spread over 2 days (assuming by weekend she meant Saturday and Sunday) doesn't sound awful for a dude his size, especially if he's young. Sounds like a typical twenty something year old.

    Of course, I'm 22, newly single and just now discovering bars. Could be biased I suppose. :P

    Summed it up for me. If someone had written a post about my drinking habits five years ago I would have been branded a budding alcoholic. I wasn't (I rarely drink now, once a month if that.) I was just enjoying all the booze the world had to offer. Frequently. :drinker:

    Me too! :ohwell: When we were younger, we worked hard during the week & partied harder during the weekend (high stress job at Emergency 24 hour Veterinary Hospital)...these days it's called 'binge drinking'....back in the day, it was called responsible :laugh:
  • TribeHokie
    TribeHokie Posts: 711 Member
    Options
    I don't think we're alcoholic. We can easily go through the entire week booze-free, and then knock back perhaps 2 or 3 pints each per night on friday and saturday, OR (not AND) 6-7 glasses of whisky with a splash of water.

    Uh yeah that is nothing. That is like pregaming before going to the bar. When he is putting down 12+ beers himself in a night THEN you might could say something.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
    Options
    A guess a big booty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm 5'9" and 179 lbs (down from 265) and my elementary school students call me "pig" because, here in Korea, a 5'9" guy may weigh around 125-135 lbs. If you don't like the way he looks and it's too much for you to handle, move on and let him find someone who can handle it - literally.

    I know this feel, I live in Japan and I am the height of an average Japanese man, and about 15-20kg heavier. Students have commented often on me being fat.

    We're Japanese, and my bf is a GIANT amongst the little people :)

    OOHHHHHH!!!! Okay. Now I understand. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    I'm an American, but I lived in Japan for several years and yes, your boyfriend is obese by Japanese medical standards. All of my expat friends and I got a kick out of always being labeled "metabo" by our doctors no matter what kind of shape we were in. Even marathon runner friends were metabo by those standards.

    Look, there is little you are going to do to be able to change him. Cook meals like you suggested and make healthy food available, but be patient.

    My guess is that he would benefit by some weight training.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Options
    NM
  • Myhaloslipped
    Myhaloslipped Posts: 4,317 Member
    Options
    I am no expert, but I think that the nagging and focusing on his weight probably damage his confidence and force him to be more defiant about losing weight. I suggest taking a softer approach and leading by example. Make it fun by suggesting a healthy restaurant or a fun activity like hiking or something. People in love tend to see themselves through each other's eyes, so although your heart is in the right place, you may be bringing him down a bit. Also, his height and weight sound pretty normal to me, but everyone's body composition varies.
  • telepathe
    telepathe Posts: 34
    Options
    People, I think you're missing the point - they're Japanese. She's obviously judging him by Japanese standards, not Western ones. And from an East Asian point of view, her man may very well be "fat".

    That being said, you can never change a person's habits. Maybe try to cook healthier at home but do feed him enough or he'll resent you for trying to starve him. Half a potato is not enough, really. Suggest some physical exercise you could do together? And stop nagging (ann for your own sake, stop worrying. Paranoia will take years off YOUR life).

Categories