Quite Frankly I'm Stumped...
Replies
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I like to eat. I really, really do. I love it! When I started dating my husband, I had lost almost 80 pounds and I looked HOT. I lost the 80 pounds by tracking my food intake and not eating as much as I would have liked to (or by not eating some of the things I would have liked to). But he likes to eat as much as I like to eat. So I put on weight. Five pounds at first, then a WHOLE LOT more. He says he likes how I look when I'm heavy. But I don't. I hate how I look when I'm heavy. My sex drive goes away, too. So I just had to stop eating what he was eating. Too bad for me. I can eat lots of sugary treats and all the fried foods I love, or I can slim down. I can't have it both ways. Yes, I can cook yummy healthy food and it's not about constant deprivation but--let's face it--healthy food doesn't taste the same as deep-fried or fatty food and sweets if that's what you love to eat. You've got to pick one: I want to abstain now and look and feel good later OR I want to indulge now and look and feel bad later. You won't ALWAYS make the right choice but if you make the right choice MOST of the time, you'll win.
Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
You are rude. I am withholding further advice until you apologize.0 -
I like to eat. I really, really do. I love it! When I started dating my husband, I had lost almost 80 pounds and I looked HOT. I lost the 80 pounds by tracking my food intake and not eating as much as I would have liked to (or by not eating some of the things I would have liked to). But he likes to eat as much as I like to eat. So I put on weight. Five pounds at first, then a WHOLE LOT more. He says he likes how I look when I'm heavy. But I don't. I hate how I look when I'm heavy. My sex drive goes away, too. So I just had to stop eating what he was eating. Too bad for me. I can eat lots of sugary treats and all the fried foods I love, or I can slim down. I can't have it both ways. Yes, I can cook yummy healthy food and it's not about constant deprivation but--let's face it--healthy food doesn't taste the same as deep-fried or fatty food and sweets if that's what you love to eat. You've got to pick one: I want to abstain now and look and feel good later OR I want to indulge now and look and feel bad later. You won't ALWAYS make the right choice but if you make the right choice MOST of the time, you'll win.
Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
:noway:
I was totally nice!! WTH?!?! :grumble:0 -
They can make their own nachos and cheese. Why are you the one being made to do these things? If he wants it, let him get it. If you want to be healthy you will be. You need to remove yourself from the bad things. You just have to mentally prepare yourself with the willpower to avoid temptation. It's hard. But if you want it bad enough, then, and only then, will this work for you. Otherwise, you're not ready. My boyfriend weighs less than I do. He can eat whatever he wants and not gain weight. He's athletic. I have to watch it. When you are watching what you are eating, allow yourself *little* cheats here and there, but stay on course. It gets easier as you go.
I have stepped back on the wagon and I will get back to my old habits. I have a severe addiction to carbs. I know it. I admit it. and I deal with it. I am an all or nothing kinda person. I CANNOT eat sugar or take out. I know I have no control. (Which by the way I have discussed with him several times.) That's why I stopped a couple years ago. The weight came off. It's kinda like putting an alcoholic in the middle of a bar and expecting them not to drink. Just doesn't work like that.0 -
How dare he notice your weight gain?
How about letting him fend for himself while you continue cooking for yourself?
He can't cook. He was married 21 years and never learned how to cook. Seems his ex liked alot of greasy gross processed food as well. He can't even make eggs.
Still not your problem. He can't cook? What would he "do" without a woman in his life - starve? Cook meals that are healthy. If he's hungry - he'll eat. If he wants junk, it's available at every fast food place in town. If you want to cater to the foods he asks for - then don't eat them or eat only a small amount that will fit in your daily calories.
If you want to lose badly enough - it will be important enough to work through these problems. Good luck!0 -
I like to eat. I really, really do. I love it! When I started dating my husband, I had lost almost 80 pounds and I looked HOT. I lost the 80 pounds by tracking my food intake and not eating as much as I would have liked to (or by not eating some of the things I would have liked to). But he likes to eat as much as I like to eat. So I put on weight. Five pounds at first, then a WHOLE LOT more. He says he likes how I look when I'm heavy. But I don't. I hate how I look when I'm heavy. My sex drive goes away, too. So I just had to stop eating what he was eating. Too bad for me. I can eat lots of sugary treats and all the fried foods I love, or I can slim down. I can't have it both ways. Yes, I can cook yummy healthy food and it's not about constant deprivation but--let's face it--healthy food doesn't taste the same as deep-fried or fatty food and sweets if that's what you love to eat. You've got to pick one: I want to abstain now and look and feel good later OR I want to indulge now and look and feel bad later. You won't ALWAYS make the right choice but if you make the right choice MOST of the time, you'll win.
Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
You are rude. I am withholding further advice until you apologize.
I am not rude. Seems like everyone just wants to get their hate on with out actually reading what is posted. I was by no means blaming my bf for making fat. I was asking for advice on how to get him to be more supportive. if I offended you I am sorry.0 -
I have only read about half of the responses here.
I am aware it's my own fault. however, when you tell someone I am watching what I'm eating and they ask you to make nachos and cheese for a snack or ask you to order pizza 3 days a week or want to go for ice cream, or ask you to bake cookies or muffins all the time. It's just not fair. My question was not whose fault it is my question was how to get him to take me seriously.
When I told him how much weight I gained he laughed and said ya I noticed.
Um... how about becoming familiar with the word "No"? Say it enough, he'll get the point. And ya, I noticed??? What a f'n jerk. :noway: Why are you with this guy, again? :huh:0 -
It might come down to a hard decision.....What am I willing to give up, the guy or good health. Sounds harsh but if you can't control it around him at some point you might need to face that and deal with it head on. Sometimes we just can't have it all
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The part of this that's interesting is how we as a culture have become more comfortable putting expectations on girlfriends and boyfriends as if they are husbands and wives.
They aren't.
The whole point of not getting married is to lower the commitment and expectation level.
In my experience a bf or gf should be supportive of your goals. didn't think that was only reserved for spouses.0 -
Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
My comment was nice and helpful. This ^ is a rude comment.
Exactly, but it probably isn't what she wanted to hear.
Most of us are blunt and honest. If you came looking for enablers or people telling you he's horrible for doing that, you're not going to find that here. Sorry things are not sugar coated nicely so you wouldn't think they weren't nice comments.
We are all adults who can make our own decisions.
ETA: no one can really tell you how to make him more supportive. If you are trying to get him not to order pizza 3x or not eat nachos, then of course he's not going to be supportive because he doesn't want to change his eating habits and shouldn't have to. Maybe try showing him that he doesn't have to change his eating habits by making yourself something different than what he's having and maybe he'd be more receptive.0 -
I have only read about half of the responses here.
I am aware it's my own fault. however, when you tell someone I am watching what I'm eating and they ask you to make nachos and cheese for a snack or ask you to order pizza 3 days a week or want to go for ice cream, or ask you to bake cookies or muffins all the time. It's just not fair. My question was not whose fault it is my question was how to get him to take me seriously.
When I told him how much weight I gained he laughed and said ya I noticed.
Um... how about becoming familiar with the word "No"? Say it enough, he'll get the point. And ya, I noticed??? What a f'n jerk. :noway: Why are you with this guy, again? :huh:
Ya for the last week I have said no. even at the dqiry queen drive thru window. last night he asked me to make nachos and cheese i said no. so yes I do know the word quite well.0 -
Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
My comment was nice and helpful. This ^ is a rude comment.
Exactly, but it probably isn't what she wanted to hear.
Most of us are blunt and honest. If you came looking for enablers or people telling you he's horrible for doing that, you're not going to find that here. Sorry things are not sugar coated nicely so you wouldn't think they weren't nice comments.
We are all adults who can make our own decisions.
wasn't looking for sugar coating but perhaps a nice way of saying "hey honey" I would really like it if you supported me in this/."0 -
The part of this that's interesting is how we as a culture have become more comfortable putting expectations on girlfriends and boyfriends as if they are husbands and wives.
They aren't.
The whole point of not getting married is to lower the commitment and expectation level.
In my experience a bf or gf should be supportive of your goals. didn't think that was only reserved for spouses.
You have to be supportive of yourself, first. You don't take yourself seriously, how can he? All I've heard is, "I can't control myself", "I can't eat sugar without going overboard", "I'm addicted to carbs", and a whole lot of jumping to his defense. He isn't a child. Sink or swim time. When you get serious about your goals, no one will stand in your way.0 -
I was 130 pounds when I met my husband and he was trying to stay under 200. He eventually went up to 325 and I got up to 210. He got gastric bypass and is now under 200 again but I am still 205. Please don't let outside influences dictate how you eat. There is always going to be the bad stuff out there that you will have to resist no matter what anyone else eats or does not eat. I do think he should supposrt your need to eat healthier even iof just verbally. You can do it! Get it off now before it becomes 70 pounds like me.
This happened to me when i had my first baby 20 years ago spent many many years depressed aboiut it and I made a lifestyle change when I got divorced. I just let it slip away when I met this guy and the fact that he thinks it's funny and doesn't support my weight loss goals makes me mad. But i am back on track now.0 -
Hi OP. Rough audience! I thought you did a good job of acknowledging that you have your own responsibility. I haven't heard anyone mention his role in compromising, though. The both of you should be mutually agreeing on dates--some of which will include meals out and ice cream, since he clearly enjoys this (and you do too!) They don't all have to be that way, and you have a right to limit these dates. It doesn't mean he can't eat what he wants--if he's dying for restaurant food, he can grab some take out before you guys get together.
(He can also learn to cook for himself. He's somehow survived this long.) When you do cook for him, take his tastes into account but make it a meal you'll both be able to enjoy. If he likes ice cream for dessert, and you want some too, get a pint instead of whatever size ice cream comes in, scoop out your portion, and offer him the rest. Keep snacks you will really enjoy when he eats his food around. If you cook something that is tempting to you, make just enough for both of you-your portion and then his portion.
When he isn't asking for both of you to go out, just running out himself and asking if he can get you anything, ask him to pick you up something else you really enjoy. 90% of the time, I'd be just as happy getting a little something from Starbucks. Remember that you don't have to eat what he is eating. Sometimes we just want the "treat" aspect of getting something to go that wasn't self-prepared. Maybe a fruit salad, or a cup of soup, or a really good salad will tide you over 80% of the time. The other 20%, have a little fun.
I know a lot of people on here don't like the "substitutes," but they work well for a lot of people. Learn how to really enjoy lightly oiled, grilled veggies and fruits, make healthy shakes out of frozen banana, real ground vanilla bean, sweetener, and whatever milk you like. You can add things like peanut butter or fruit to taste.
Overall--compromise, for both of you, while remembering that he can make his own choices about what he eats as long as he isn't trying to force them on you. (Getting upset, for instance, if you don't want to go out to eat weekly but would be just fine going to the movies or whatever.)0 -
No one can really tell you how to make him more supportive. If you are trying to get him not to order pizza 3x or not eat nachos, then of course he's not going to be supportive because he doesn't want to change his eating habits and shouldn't have to. Maybe try showing him that he doesn't have to change his eating habits by making yourself something different than what he's having and maybe he'd be more receptive.
wasn't looking for sugar coating but perhaps a nice way of saying "hey honey" I would really like it if you supported me in this/."
Have you tried that? Saying that to him? Or has it just been "we need to eat healthier"?0 -
I don't think he's the right guy for you. And he should learn to cook for himself. That is all.0
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Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
My comment was nice and helpful. This ^ is a rude comment.
Exactly, but it probably isn't what she wanted to hear.
Most of us are blunt and honest. If you came looking for enablers or people telling you he's horrible for doing that, you're not going to find that here. Sorry things are not sugar coated nicely so you wouldn't think they weren't nice comments.
We are all adults who can make our own decisions.
wasn't looking for sugar coating but perhaps a nice way of saying "hey honey" I would really like it if you supported me in this/."
Well what exactly isn't nice about "hey honey, I would really like it if you supported me in this?"
I'm really confused about what you are looking for. I shared my own experience and offered suggestions on how you might find compromise. I didn't even say anything about your accountability in the matter. But apparently, my comment wasn't any more acceptable than any of the others in this thread.
Let me help you out with this. If this guy isn't going to keep his bad habits to himself, you can't avoid indulging with him, and you can't even have a discussion with him about it without strangers on the internet telling you what to say, then I will dare say this guy might not be the right one for you after all.
A real relationship involves open and honest communication with willing compromise on both sides.0 -
Oh man, I completely get where you're coming from.
If someone's not concerned with their eating habits and don't seem to be extremely supportive in the food department, you need to fend for yourself, but in a way that isn't negative or accusatory to the other person.
For example, if your bf gets ice cream and is eating it in front of you, arm yourself with a low calorie treat (small fruit parfait, low sugar sherbert, etc.) and have your own treat alongside him as long as it fits within your daily calorie goal. That way it doesn't feel like you're trying to put up a wall between him and you, but just taking care of your own needs. Too many times I would feel like I had to eat whatever he was eating, that's not true. You can eat two entirely different meals together! Just cook a single portion for each of the meals, or adjust the portion/ingredients of your half accordingly to meet your goal. For example I'm a vegetarian and my bf eats meat, we can eat the same meals by simply cutting the meat or whatever else out of my portion of the meal. Or if I splurged during the day and he wants something that would put me over my limit I'll just make something else entirely and eat that for my dinner with no hard feelings.
You guys can coexist if you don't see eye to eye on dietary issues. Whatever you do don't lecture him on what he's doing and just do your own thing. As long as you're happy, you two can adjust! Best of luck, and hang in there.0 -
Hi OP. Rough audience! I thought you did a good job of acknowledging that you have your own responsibility. I haven't heard anyone mention his role in compromising, though. The both of you should be mutually agreeing on dates--some of which will include meals out and ice cream, since he clearly enjoys this (and you do too!) They don't all have to be that way, and you have a right to limit these dates. It doesn't mean he can't eat what he wants--if he's dying for restaurant food, he can grab some take out before you guys get together.
(He can also learn to cook for himself. He's somehow survived this long.) When you do cook for him, take his tastes into account but make it a meal you'll both be able to enjoy. If he likes ice cream for dessert, and you want some too, get a pint instead of whatever size ice cream comes in, scoop out your portion, and offer him the rest. Keep snacks you will really enjoy when he eats his food around. If you cook something that is tempting to you, make just enough for both of you-your portion and then his portion.
When he isn't asking for both of you to go out, just running out himself and asking if he can get you anything, ask him to pick you up something else you really enjoy. 90% of the time, I'd be just as happy getting a little something from Starbucks. Remember that you don't have to eat what he is eating. Sometimes we just want the "treat" aspect of getting something to go that wasn't self-prepared. Maybe a fruit salad, or a cup of soup, or a really good salad will tide you over 80% of the time. The other 20%, have a little fun.
I know a lot of people on here don't like the "substitutes," but they work well for a lot of people. Learn how to really enjoy lightly oiled, grilled veggies and fruits, make healthy shakes out of frozen banana, real ground vanilla bean, sweetener, and whatever milk you like. You can add things like peanut butter or fruit to taste.
Overall--compromise, for both of you, while remembering that he can make his own choices about what he eats as long as he isn't trying to force them on you. (Getting upset, for instance, if you don't want to go out to eat weekly but would be just fine going to the movies or whatever.)
I have been trying to do this.0 -
He sounds rather inconsiderate.0
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I have been trying to do this.
Which part do you think isn't working?0 -
I was in a similar position with someone. Fortunately, I was not emotionally attached so I cut him loose.
Hope you guys can get on the same page with this. Maybe you can plan some activity-focused dates or introduce him to some healthier foods and desserts.
I do try with the healthier alternatives then he says he's starving and wants something else. Thank you for your comments.0 -
Oh man, I completely get where you're coming from.
If someone's not concerned with their eating habits and don't seem to be extremely supportive in the food department, you need to fend for yourself, but in a way that isn't negative or accusatory to the other person.
For example, if your bf gets ice cream and is eating it in front of you, arm yourself with a low calorie treat (small fruit parfait, low sugar sherbert, etc.) and have your own treat alongside him as long as it fits within your daily calorie goal. That way it doesn't feel like you're trying to put up a wall between him and you, but just taking care of your own needs. Too many times I would feel like I had to eat whatever he was eating, that's not true. You can eat two entirely different meals together! Just cook a single portion for each of the meals, or adjust the portion/ingredients of your half accordingly to meet your goal. For example I'm a vegetarian and my bf eats meat, we can eat the same meals by simply cutting the meat or whatever else out of my portion of the meal. Or if I splurged during the day and he wants something that would put me over my limit I'll just make something else entirely and eat that for my dinner with no hard feelings.
You guys can coexist if you don't see eye to eye on dietary issues. Whatever you do don't lecture him on what he's doing and just do your own thing. As long as you're happy, you two can adjust! Best of luck, and hang in there.
I will try thanks0 -
You don't need to make him understand anything. You need to take back your power and just say no to ice cream and fatty foods..order healthy foods in restaurants and eat slowly. If this guy has your best interest at heart he will begin to take your goals seriously, if not then mayb he isn't for you.0
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Thank you for the only nice comment I've read.
My comment was nice and helpful. This ^ is a rude comment.
Exactly, but it probably isn't what she wanted to hear.
Most of us are blunt and honest. If you came looking for enablers or people telling you he's horrible for doing that, you're not going to find that here. Sorry things are not sugar coated nicely so you wouldn't think they weren't nice comments.
We are all adults who can make our own decisions.
wasn't looking for sugar coating but perhaps a nice way of saying "hey honey" I would really like it if you supported me in this/."
Well what exactly isn't nice about "hey honey, I would really like it if you supported me in this?"
I'm really confused about what you are looking for. I shared my own experience and offered suggestions on how you might find compromise. I didn't even say anything about your accountability in the matter. But apparently, my comment wasn't any more acceptable than any of the others in this thread.
Let me help you out with this. If this guy isn't going to keep his bad habits to himself, you can't avoid indulging with him, and you can't even have a discussion with him about it without strangers on the internet telling you what to say, then I will dare say this guy might not be the right one for you after all.
A real relationship involves open and honest communication with willing compromise on both sides.
Sorry didn't see your original post. When I say that he says. "when you're fat I'll tell you. If I didn't like the way you looked I wouldn't be here." so I guess when I get too fat he'll just leave. lol. Guess I'm on my own0 -
I do try with the healthier alternatives then he says he's starving and wants something else. Thank you for your comments.
"What do you want me to do, hold the spoon to your mouth?"
Not really, I wouldn't say that, but I don't see how him being hungry is your problem. He'll find something to eat.0 -
If you want a low cal treat that takes a while to eat, nuke two giant marshmallows for 1 full minute, then let cool just a bit before you eat them. They are ,100 calories, very sweet, chewy, and easy to do.0
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I have been trying to do this.
Which part do you think isn't working?
He's set in his ways and I am not like his ex who catered to him. I cook healthy, I suggest activity dates and he moans and groans and wants to always eat crap. I guess I just say no and let him go off to KFC on his own0 -
You don't need to make him understand anything. You need to take back your power and just say no to ice cream and fatty foods..order healthy foods in restaurants and eat slowly. If this guy has your best interest at heart he will begin to take your goals seriously, if not then mayb he isn't for you.
Thank you0 -
If you want a low cal treat that takes a while to eat, nuke two giant marshmallows for 1 full minute, then let cool just a bit before you eat them. They are ,100 calories, very sweet, chewy, and easy to do.
sounds good thanks0
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