Body Image and Relationships

aoikirin
aoikirin Posts: 143
in Motivation and Support
So I am sort of in a funny position. I am in the best shape of my life but I am dating someone who does not like my body. I have explained that I have loose skin from having been over 300 lbs but this extenuating circumstance seems to make no difference. I sensed the lack of attraction so I pushed and pushed to understand what was causing it specifically. "Your mid section looks like a viola" "your butt reminds me of my mothers' "

I do not look that bad naked. Yes I have loose skin, but it's not like I am wearing my former belly as a skirt or something. I have NEVER been so unattractive to someone. We have been together for four months and we have yet to have sex.

Are these kinds of comments normal or ok if pushed for?

I am in the best shape of my adult life and yet I have the worst self-esteem about my body I have ever had. Caused by you know who.
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Replies

  • jynxxxed
    jynxxxed Posts: 1,010 Member
    Leave. Why would you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't find you physically attractive? It doesn't sound like it would last long term, and if she is so repulsed by your body then she doesn't deserve to have sex with you anyway. You can do much, much better.
  • jenj1313
    jenj1313 Posts: 898 Member
    Uh, yeah... it seems like it might time to move on.
    A relationship with no physical attraction is unlikely to last.
    Especially since she is not being nice about it. I realize that there are people who fall in love and are attracted to each other despite physical "challenges". Sometimes love is blind. But it doesn't sound like it is for this girl.
    You didn't say how she treats you in the rest of your relationship, but if it's in a similar vein, I would run, not walk, away. You're in the best shape of your life... that should be no problem ;-)

    Good luck to you. I hope you find someone who loves you for who your are, no matter what you look like.
    Jen
  • unapologetically_crystal
    unapologetically_crystal Posts: 278 Member
    pretty sure that person isn't a nice person. even if you asked for it.. if i had to guess.. i would really think that person is using you. for companionship or free meals/etc.. sorry. you should never ever be with a person that makes you feel like crap like that. ditch them!!
  • TattooedNici
    TattooedNici Posts: 2,141 Member
    Going off of what you're saying, it sounds like this is a toxic relationship. The person you're with is not at all seeing the positive and is bringing you down. No one's perfect and you're striving for better but for who? You or the one you're with? If they can't see the progress you've made and they're constantly are bringing you down, I suggest you leave them. It will get worse the longer you're with them. You can not convince a close-minded person, no matter how hard you try. You didn't lose the weight for them, so why try to please them by going out of your way to prove you're worthy? It's your body, not theirs. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Period.
  • Loasaur
    Loasaur Posts: 125
    You shouldn't feel bad about how far you've come. She should be inspired by you and amazed at what you've accomplished (I know I am); not disgusted. If you're dating someone who can't get past looks THAT badly, then maybe it isn't meant to be. Your personality and your achievement should be what attracts her to you, not your looks. I feel very badly for you, you sound like a great person (especially someone who is putting up with THIS and thinks there is something wrong with them). There is someone out there who will appreciate you for who you are; lose skin and all. Go find THEM and stop worrying about this person. She doesn't sound very fun.

    If you're really concerned about her, than tell her how you feel. Explain to her that you've come a long way and you should feel proud of your body and what it's become; not ashamed and she should understand that.
  • pteryndactyl
    pteryndactyl Posts: 303 Member
    Even if you asked for it, they could've phrased their comments more nicely. Simply saying "your mid-section and rear are unattractive to me" would've sufficed. Not OK in my opinion.
  • alliemarie77
    alliemarie77 Posts: 378 Member
    I am scared of this myself.... You know, being more self conscious than I have ever been.

    However, in my opinion you should have never pushed for the info. It usually always goes bad once we find out things like that.
    Your girlfriend probably should have worded it better also.
    So, now you guys have to talk about it, and you have to work through your own issues.

    Congrats on losing your weight, you look amazing in your photo. Keep up the great work!
  • laserturkey
    laserturkey Posts: 1,680 Member
    Someone who REALLY loves YOU will not even notice the loose skin. Someone who is put off by it is clearly not a good match for you.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Why are you sticking around with comments like that? I would not be sticking around if someone didn't find me attractive.
  • YoBecca
    YoBecca Posts: 167
    This does not sound like a relationship worth hanging onto - both because of the attraction/she seems like a terrible person issues, and because it seems detrimental to your own self worth. A good relationship should build you up and make you feel/be better (not 100% of the time, all relationships have cycles) - this seems harmful, not helpful.

    FWIW, you're awfully cute, seem like a nice guy (you're being very fair to this girl) and apparently have worked hard and committed to getting in good shape - don't hang onto this relationship out of fear that you can't do better.
  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,903 Member
    What's the saying? Fish or cut bait? Time to cut bait. Be with someone who thinks you're attractive. Here's what's not supposed to happen in a relationship. The other person is not supposed to drive you to go to an online forum where you feel it necessary to use phrases like "I don't look that bad" when describing yourself.

    Be awesome. Be yourself.

    Oh, and four months....FOUR MONTHS?!? Egads man!
  • MyM0wM0w
    MyM0wM0w Posts: 2,008 Member
    If she's in love with you she's not going to care about those things. Move on and find someone who can appreciate you and love you exactly how you are.
  • Miss_Hiker_Pants
    Miss_Hiker_Pants Posts: 229 Member
    Obviously not the girl for you. How dare she say anything negative. If she's turned off, all she has to do is walk away. Tell her you're looking for a real woman and it's not working out for you.
  • DanIsACyclingFool
    DanIsACyclingFool Posts: 417 Member
    No one should ever settle for a so so relationship. Every problem you have now gets multiplied by a thousand if your still together 10 yrs from now. Relationships are hard enough even when their strong.

    And maybe I'm out of line, but if this is the first time you've been in good shape, is it possible this is your first real relationship? If so, DON'T grab the first thing that comes along. There will be others. You may as well go with a nice person...

    Sorry about the morbid response. You caught me at a funny crossroads.

    Don't settle. It's not worth it. Believe me.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
    Holy crap. Don't let yourself be treated like that. Whether you pushed or not, someone who loved you wouldn't feel that way about you nor say those things to you. You've worked too hard to be stuck with someone who doesn't adore you.

    P.S. You look good to me. Wink, wink.
  • candylilacs
    candylilacs Posts: 614 Member
    What's the saying? Fish or cut bait? Time to cut bait. Be with someone who thinks you're attractive. Here's what's not supposed to happen in a relationship. The other person is not supposed to drive you to go to an online forum where you feel it necessary to use phrases like "I don't look that bad" when describing yourself.

    Be awesome. Be yourself.

    Oh, and four months....FOUR MONTHS?!? Egads man!

    Shouldn't he be fishing rather than cutting bait? Seems like he's cutting bait now.
  • EBFNP
    EBFNP Posts: 529 Member
    This girl sounds like she has the ability to be emotionally abuse to you if this relationship continues. She is not a nice person, and you do deserve better. I say dump ASAP.
  • ames105
    ames105 Posts: 288 Member
    I'm sorry you are going through this. Its my thought that the person you are with should love you unconditionally. We all have flaws and we all have imperfections. Yours may be more visible. Hers seem to be more internal.

    Attraction is either there or its not. It seems that after four months, she should either be attracted to the person you are or she should move on. I saw an old movie called The Enchanted Cottage. The woman was very plain. The man was scared physically from the war. The fell in love and they appeared beautiful to each other. They thought the cottage was magic in fixing their flaws, but it was really the power of love that caused them to see the internal beauty. There is a lesson there.

    I have extra skin on my belly and it hangs. I find it embarrassing. I told that to my current boyfriend and he told me I should be proud of it. It shows I'm a mature woman who's worked hard to lose the weight. Its a sign of my victory.

    The skin can tighten up or it can be surgically removed. I have a feeling her flaw can't be fixed that easily. I know its hard, but you deserve better.
  • I_Will_End_You
    I_Will_End_You Posts: 4,397 Member
    Wow......If I were in that situation, I'd have been out the door 4 months ago.
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    Wow. Tactless girlfriend is tactless. And unlikely to change. What is it about her that's so darned attractive, again?
  • Nicolee_2014
    Nicolee_2014 Posts: 1,572 Member
    Someone who REALLY loves YOU will not even notice the loose skin. Someone who is put off by it is clearly not a good match for you.

    This.
    That is harsh, why be with this person?
    Sounds like things a man would say. (some men, not all)
  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,903 Member
    What's the saying? Fish or cut bait? Time to cut bait. Be with someone who thinks you're attractive. Here's what's not supposed to happen in a relationship. The other person is not supposed to drive you to go to an online forum where you feel it necessary to use phrases like "I don't look that bad" when describing yourself.

    Be awesome. Be yourself.

    Oh, and four months....FOUR MONTHS?!? Egads man!

    Shouldn't he be fishing rather than cutting bait? Seems like he's cutting bait now.

    Not to derail the thread or anything but it's an interesting question.
    The more modern variation on the meaning of the expression ("giving up" on something, or "stepping down") is due largely to the changing interpretation of "cut bait." Originally, "cut bait" referred to cutting up bait fish into small portions suitable for a hook or net. In more modern times, bait is often prepackaged, and cutting bait is uncommon outside of the commercial fishing industry. Therefore, the meaning of "cut bait" is sometimes taken to mean cutting one's fishing line, and giving up on the fishing. As a result, the meaning of the expression has changed over time to imply "act now or stand down." This variation is now so common that it widely appears as the first entry in dictionaries and other reference materials. On the other hand, it has been used to illustrate two necessary and related tasks that can not be done at the same time. Literally, a lone fisherman has to do both but can only do one at a time. The act of fishing exhausts the stockpile of bait that has been prepared. In other words, the balance between work and maintenance.

    So I suppose it depends on context.
  • candylilacs
    candylilacs Posts: 614 Member
    So I am sort of in a funny position. I am in the best shape of my life but I am dating someone who does not like my body. . . .
    I am in the best shape of my adult life and yet I have the worst self-esteem about my body I have ever had. Caused by you know who.

    So, what attracted you to this person in the first place? Is she hot? Because that's the only reason I can think why you're sticking around a girl with a repellent personality for four months.

    You have two choices: work on your self-esteem and not care what she says, or work on your self-esteem and end the relationship.
  • NavyKnightAh13
    NavyKnightAh13 Posts: 1,394 Member
    Someone who REALLY loves YOU will not even notice the loose skin. Someone who is put off by it is clearly not a good match for you.

    This. Heck, I have loose skin from both being 243 and from pregnancy. My husband still loves me, even though I am self conscious every time we are naked. I am slowly learning to try and change my views on myself. I accept I am a long way from goal weight, but that as long as I keep trying eventually my self esteem will go up.
  • MyaPapaya75
    MyaPapaya75 Posts: 3,143 Member
    I would leave the person and not look back don't let them use you......and then leave you later..screw that find someone who appreciates you and RESPECTS YOU.
  • jackiecamarena
    jackiecamarena Posts: 290 Member
    Be proud of your loose skin. You earned that *kitten*.
  • JuantonBliss
    JuantonBliss Posts: 245 Member
    Kick em to the curve. You cannot force someone to fall in love with your flaws, and physical attraction is part of loving someone unfortunately.
  • supahstar71
    supahstar71 Posts: 926 Member
    She's not nice. Move on.
  • YaGigi
    YaGigi Posts: 817 Member
    Your relationship has been going on for 4 months and you haven't had sex because she finds you unnattractive... Are you sure you're in relationships and dating? Because she might not think this way...

    Any way, you should stop it, it's not a healthy relations... You should find someone who treats you with respect.
    Good luck.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Well man, this is just a sucky situation to be in. Attraction is important and is (and should) be a factor in most relationships. But the issues she has, your loose skin, is pretty damn minor, in my opinion. And it is correctable, so it isn't something permanent.

    Find a new girl.

    And dude, 4 months is ridiculous.

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