what would YOU do ?
thomas2017
Posts: 20
You go on a 1 week vacation with your family and you see that your Sister is still really overweight in her mid 40's and you are very concerned.
During the one week vacation you see her eating habits pretty much the same as they have always been (ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke") despite 2 decades of attempts to lose weight. Nothing has changed.
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
I love my Sister but this past week experience has me very concerned.
During the one week vacation you see her eating habits pretty much the same as they have always been (ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke") despite 2 decades of attempts to lose weight. Nothing has changed.
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
I love my Sister but this past week experience has me very concerned.
0
Replies
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Nothing. Unless she brings it up with you (which implicitly gives you permission), it isn't your business.
My parents are morbidly obese and have been most of my life, my sister is overweight. I wouldn't dream of telling them how/why to lose weight. I love them, but I don't want to fight with them (and they are all smart people, they know the health risks they face).
Telling people they should lose weight is like telling people to quit smoking: it might make you feel virtuous but it will either put them on the defensive or will hurt their feelings.0 -
That's tough.............we have a relative in a similar situation - she's morbidly obese; in her mid 40's.
So - what to do?
I don't honestly know - since she's not a 'blood relative' of mine, I keep my mouth shut...........I think she must know the health risks involved - I know her mother reminds her constantly (I think sometimes she overeats to SPITE her mother.......)!
Bottom line - she has to WANT to lose weight - and she ALONE has to make it happen..............0 -
Do you live close enough to invite her to go for a walk with you?
This can be a touchy subjects between sisters. I have three sisters myself. I think it would be better to get her involved in activity that would hopefully lead to a healthier lifestyle.0 -
To be honest, I would say anything directly to her. People have a way of ignoring the people close to them (especially family) when they are trying to help. They usually see it as an attack. I would talk about your own journey and show your enthusiasm, ask if you can have a bit of her dinner and ask if she wants to try a healthier option that you might be having (just as a trade, not because it's healthier), and maybe ask her to go on a walk with you just to spend time together and talk about your lives. It's something she has to want for herself, and it would be best if she asked questions to you, rather than you telling her anything. I think that the excuse "we're on vacation" would come up, if not "mind your own business". My step sis is the same way, but I would never say anything to her. It's a personal journey. But when she saw me losing weight and being healthier, she started going on walks with her mom/my stepmom. Baby steps, but progress. I find that with me and others I know, quietly inspiring is better than confronting. No matter how good your intentions are, I've rarely heard it work out well.0
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This is my cousin. This past trip to Cuba, her children came with us for the first time. My cousin had purchased new clothing for her 12 yr old daughter a few days before we left, and within 5 days of our 2 week vacation, her daughter was too big to fit into the clothes (whereas they fit perfectly before). Her daughters eating habits directly reflect her mothers and my cousin was even having difficulties fitting into some of the newer clothes she had also purchased for herself a few days before travel.
I said and did nothing. It was non of my business what she chose to do and what she allowed her daughter to do. My husband and I chose to MYOB and to not get involved unless we where specifically asked - which we weren't. So my advice would be to not approach the subject unless your sister asks you for your advice. If she doesn't, then say nothing. It is her business how she eats and she may be more then comfortable in the skin she is in, which is the case with my cousin.0 -
Does she know that you are using MFP? Does she ever ask questions?
I could talk to my brother about something like this.. and I have. My sister no -way... We don't see eye to eye.
Good luck...0 -
That's a tough one. Does she verbalize that she wishes she could drop lbs? If she expresses the concern, that's probably your best opening, when she brings it up, but I would take it slow, like first just suggest she joins MFP or another website that helps track food and exercise and gives her a community of support. And then if she does start up on the website, you have common ground to continue "learning" to be a healthier being. Sometimes people just need gentle and supportive little pushes because they don't really know how or where to start and are afraid of failing so they stay where they are and do what they know. It also depends on your relationship with your sister and how she would take your advice. Good luck, it's important enough to try.0
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I think this depends on your relationship with her.
There are only 2 people in my life with whom I feel any right to discuss their health: my partner and my son. With my partner, I can tell him what to do with his health and he will cheerfully do it, because that's the relationship we have. With my son (who is a grown adult running his own household) I will defer to statements like "Gee hon, you know I wish you would eat healthier. A diet of chicken wings and single malt liquor is not going to play out well when you hit 30." To which he will laughingly reply "Yeah. Naggity nag nag."
I pretty much believe in "live and let live." I know we care about our loved ones and want them to have a long and healthy life, but as adults, most of us are well aware of our unhealthy behaviors and choose to continue doing them or choose to change them on our own. I would rather spend the quality time enjoying one another's company rather than trying to impose my health choices on them.0 -
Leave her alone, if it comes from someone like you or another family member she will 100% get defensive & you could loose her. She will turn whatever "love" you give her into you going against her, you will make her feel horrible about herself because just think about it, how do you tell someone that they need to lose weight without making them feel like crap? There is no good way to do it. While you want to help & think you would be showing her how much you love her by speaking up, she won't see it that way, esp if she isn't ready to do this. She has to be ready to lose weight & no one can get her to that place but herself.
I know, because I was her. I was always the fat kid, the largest person in my family with a sister who was always super thin. This has been this way our entire life. However while I knew I was over weight I was happy regardless, have a husband who loves me & 2 awesome kids. Not everyone over weight is unhappy or unhealthy for that matter. Yes obsesity itself is unhealthy but I never had blood pressure issues not even while preg, wasn't diabetic, no chloesterol issues etc Other then my weight I was fine & since I never had the will power to lose weight I was content to stay that way for the rest of my life.
Then I developed a hernia both from my weight & from a surgery I had 6mths prior & I went to see a surgeon about having it repaired in Feb of this year. I was fully prepared for him to tell me I needed to lose weight & boy did he ever. He gave me a wake up call that I didn't realized I needed or wanted!! When he told me that at 32yrs old I was most likely going to be dead in 10yrs time or suffering with severe heart disease etc I was shocked. He then asked permission to put me on the wait list for gastric by pass surgery. That really did it, I was floored. He told me to come back in 3mths & if needed he would give me the lecture again but until I lost weight & got healthy he wouldn't do my surgery. What he didn't know is that I am a VERY stubborn person, I was hell bent & determine to show him and I have. But it was because he opened my eyes & then I spent the next 4 days prepping myself, reading & getting ready to start my new life.
Its been 7mths & I have 78lbs gone, however if any one of my family members, esp my sister had dared to look at me & tell me to lose weight, I can guarantee you I would have told them to go "bleep" themselves & walked out of their lives. I wouldn't have listened to anyone else but that surgeon because he was on the outside, I didn't have to ever see him again & he wasn't important to me, my family is.0 -
I think if you really want to say something (and it sounds like maybe you do), you will have to tread very carefully and accept the fact that she may do absolutely nothing about what you say.
I don't know what your relationship with her is like, how well she handles perceived criticism, etc. If it were me, I would go in it with a total "this is about me, I'm worried" attitude and not an "you need to change your ways because of X, Y, and Z" way. It's harder for people to argue with you when you say "I'm worried about you" than when you say "you're eating crap and you look fat".
Best of luck to you.0 -
I would leave her alone. Do you think she doesn't know she's overweight? My sister is like this - very overweight, still has some very questionable eating habits. She knows it. She just needs to find the willingness to work on it.0
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I don't have a sister but do have 2 brothers. My relationship with each is very different. One I would smack on the back of the head and say " What the @#$%@ are you doing to yourself." The other I would just let it be because he wouldn't listen to me anyway. It depends how you and her get along.0
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Thanks for the feedback so far.
My sister has talked about the issue openly in the past and is well aware she has a problem that needs to be addressed. She has pretty much tried everything to combat this weight issue.
My and my parents have brought it up in the past even when she did not first bring it up. And we did it because we love her and are very concerned. I am pretty sure she was offended to a certain degree or had hurt feelings when we have brought it up in the past.
But the issue is though that if me, my Father or Mother do not bring up the topic or try to do something to help her, *No one else will ! *
My Sister appears to be in " Robo Mode " with regard to her eating habits and is again in the zone where she does not realize how bad she is eating. It is spiraling out of control.
Her boyfriend of 5 years eating habits are *horrible* and is not helping her situation either. One would think he would take on the role of helping her motivating her towards weight loss (because he is a really good guy), but it is not happening.
My general sense from the feedback so far is that one should really be *hands off* for the most part.
But I cannot rid myself of the guilt of not saying anything to her or attempting to try to help her in some way.
If a family member of yours was a cocaine addict , don't we as family members have a moral obligation to help them " save themselves from themselves" ? Because they are beyond the point of helping themselves.
Does she verbalize that she wishes she could drop lbs?
She has not really brought that up out in the open to any of us recently except in private phone conversations with my Mother.
Does she know that you are using MFP? Does she ever ask questions?
I just signed up today to MFP0 -
Although it depends on your relationship, it seems appropriate to me for you to tell her you love her and are worried about her and are available to discuss it with her whenever SHE needs to.0
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Hey,
I wouldn't say anything, in your case. You and your parents sound a bit too judgmental about her life, her food... her boyfriend.
Criticism disguised as concern fools nobody.
Look very carefully at your own motives before you leap!
All the best. x0 -
Its been 7mths & I have 78lbs gone, however if any one of my family members, esp my sister had dared to look at me & tell me to lose weight, I can guarantee you I would have told them to go "bleep" themselves & walked out of their lives. I wouldn't have listened to anyone else but that surgeon because he was on the outside, I didn't have to ever see him again & he wasn't important to me, my family is.
anewlife Thank you for sharing your story.
From what you wrote you mention that you were stubborn and you probably had a burning desire to make a change. I just can't understand why my Sister has not had this same burning desire because she is able to achieve so many other things under even more difficult circumstances.0 -
you really cant do or say anything unless they want it for themselves. thats with anyone who has an addiction to something0
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Nadda. Can't make someone see the light, and if someone (family or not) came up to me while on vacation and started criticizing my weight and eating habits, I would contemplate never speaking to that person again.
It's like a smoker. Can't nag them into quitting (yes, I tried).0 -
I would enjoy my week with my family.
You cant change someone. Only they can. I assure you she knows she is overweight. If she doesnt care, then not a thing or person in the world is going to change that.
ETA: My mother used to make offhand fat comments to me. Pissed me off to no end. Still does and she hasnt mentioned anything since I started losing.0 -
Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.
Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.
Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.
Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.0 -
If things have been said in the past, and she has been hurt due to it, you KNOW that saying something (unprompted) now will not help and could exacerbate the situation. If you send her home crying about what you say, it will probably be blown out of proportion in her mind and if an emotional eater she will bury her sorrows in calorie dense deliciousness. She has to want it FIRST, really want it, not daydream want it.0
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Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?0 -
If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.
Why are men so weird about this? You ask for a few bites and they go all: 'JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD' on you.0 -
Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.
Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.
Well I think she knows she is crossing the line. But I don't think she knows her habits are *awful*
Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
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I don't think she has fully connected or realized this concept. And her doctors should all be FIRED in my opinion. They should be telling her flat out it is time to take radical measures RIGHT NOW. And yet they slap her on the wrist and say she is not that bad.
Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.
I don't have a magic solution because there is no magic solution. My fear is maybe she thinks there is a magic solution. The magic solution is the greatest evil marketing pitch given to those who suffer from weight loss.
The solution is real sacrifice, some pain and suffering from giving up unhealthy fatty foods, and the real hard work ethic of very active exercise. Problem is she always just seems to make a half attempt at it. She does not go 100% with a true burning desire to accomplish a certain goal.
Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.
Yes, but she gives up too easily because of *distractions* (work stress, emotions, boyfriend issues and bad eating models etc. )
Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.
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Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
lol They didn't belong to friends. They were made of friends. The last ones that told her she needed to lose weight.0 -
Love = acceptance. End of.
It's all sounding a bit angry and controlling to me.... you may be projecting on to her those characteristics which you most dislike in yourself? I wouldn't like to be in your family. Ever wonder she eats!
It's all a bit tangled. Take a deep breath and back off.
Good luck! x0 -
Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.You go on a 1 week vacation with your family and you see that your Sister is still really overweight in her mid 40's and you are very concerned.
During the one week vacation you see her eating habits pretty much the same as they have always been (ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke") despite 2 decades of attempts to lose weight. Nothing has changed.
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
I love my Sister but this past week experience has me very concerned.0 -
Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
lol They didn't belong to friends. They were made of friends. The last ones that told her she needed to lose weight.
Ahh, that sounds amazing.... exactly what part of the friend do I use to make an onion ring? Maybe the time one of my "friends" eats some of my chicken wings at BW3 I'll make friend onion rings out of him.0 -
My sister did say something to me. I thought about it, looked at her eating habits and fitness routine and did do something about it. I am gratefully she mentioned it. She lead me my example. On the other hand my younger was out of control. Everyone in the family said something. She did not do anything about it until her husband left, who was also out of control, for a thinner woman.0
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You may try doing just a tiny bit of fishing to see if she is interested in the topic (maybe bring up something about your own weight loss plan or exercise), but if she is clearly not interested then it is not your place to try to tell her how to live her life. It's possible that if you mention your diet plan she may really be curious about what you are doing and receptive to suggestions and that could open the door for a serious conversation about how concerned your are. Beyond that, though, she is an adult and has the right to make her own eating decisions even if others don't agree or are genuinely concerned for her. Just think about how you would feel if someone in your life took it upon themself to sit you down and tell you that you need to condsider changing your eating habits because their opinion is that it is bad for you. It probably wouldn't go over very well. No one likes the food police. And, ultimately, if she is not interested in changing for her own sake then she will not be able to succeed anyway.0
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