what would YOU do ?
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Send a general email to not just her, but to your family and friends. Tell them about MFP and that you would like people to join you to help you stay motivated. That way she doesn't feel singled out. If she shows an interest, then the door is open.
(Of course if she does join, you will have to change your user ID so she never sees your post. )0 -
Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.
Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.
Well I think she knows she is crossing the line. But I don't think she knows her habits are *awful*
Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
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I don't think she has fully connected or realized this concept. And her doctors should all be FIRED in my opinion. They should be telling her flat out it is time to take radical measures RIGHT NOW. And yet they slap her on the wrist and say she is not that bad.
Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.
I don't have a magic solution because there is no magic solution. My fear is maybe she thinks there is a magic solution. The magic solution is the greatest evil marketing pitch given to those who suffer from weight loss.
The solution is real sacrifice, some pain and suffering from giving up unhealthy fatty foods, and the real hard work ethic of very active exercise. Problem is she always just seems to make a half attempt at it. She does not go 100% with a true burning desire to accomplish a certain goal.
Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.
Yes, but she gives up too easily because of *distractions* (work stress, emotions, boyfriend issues and bad eating models etc. )
Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.
I drink a 24 can case of Coke Cherry Zero every week-I've lost over 50lbs, am maintaining effortlessly and had perfect blood work this year :drinker:0 -
^^ cherry coke zero? SERIOUSLY. Another reason to hate Canada. WHY can't I have Cherry Coke Zero?!?0
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Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.I drink a 24 can case of Coke Cherry Zero every week-I've lost over 50lbs, am maintaining effortlessly and had perfect blood work this year :drinker:
Okay, so here is one other thing that you may have to consider. When and if she ever decides to try to lose weight, you will not be in charge of how she does it. Concern is one thing. Support is wonderful. Encouragement? Great.
Control is something else entirely. I don't drink pop, or rather I should say I rarely drink it - maybe one every 3 or 4 months. My reasons aren't really relevant, but for the sake of this conversation, I will go ahead and say that it simply isn't something I like. However, I do drink whiskey. I eat pizza. I fully intend to have some chicken wings sometime this week. And my weight and health are steadily improving, because I'm learning new ways to fit those things into my lifestyle, as well as learning about new things that I also love.
Regardless of the decision that you make about whether to approach her about this, or about how to do it, there may come a time when she is making an effort. It will not benefit either of you or your relationship with one another for you to police her. If she thinks Diet Coke is something she can live with and still make improvements, that will be up to her. Likewise with making the decision to include a moderate amount of cheese (or heck, to eat half her daily calories in cheese). At the point that she is making improvements and losing weight, you criticizing her may well be the discouragement that makes it more difficult for her to continue.
I do believe that you care about your sister and that you want good things for her, but there is a line to be recognized between, "Honey, I'm worried about you and I want you to be around a long time," and "I can NOT believe you would drink that crap!"I still think that drinking any kind of soda should be permanently banned from my eating habits if I wanted to embark on a new healthy lifestyle.
And if "you" are wanting to embark on a new healthy lifestyle, that will be your decision to make for yourself. But at the end of the day, that "all or nothing" thinking is what makes things so very difficult for some people to sustain. It's okay to have opinions. Just be careful that you're only trying to decide for yourself. Really, what do you want for her? To become a vegan organic-only endurance athlete who makes her own laundry soap out of baking soda and dyes her clothes with homegrown berry juices? Or to simply be healthier, weigh less, be happier, and live longer? I know that sounds like a silly question, but the truth is there are all kinds of plans that are not incorrect. The only one any of us gets to decide is "right" is our own, for ourselves. You are bound to disagree with some of her choices, no matter how many changes she makes, but her responsibility in her journey will not be to you.1 -
I was the fat sister in this situation I was 230 lbs and growing miserable and depressed my mom and sister helped me a lot I lost down to 130 lbs and was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. Unfortunately I did gain some weight a few years ago to 180 lbs they had another talk with me and helped me from afar. I live very far away now and they helped me so much and I am greatful I hope that helps.0
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My sisters helped me to lose weight by being a living example for me. They eat a healthy diet and live a healthy lifestyle. There is nothing that they could say that would have helped. Their lack of condemnation and judgement was the best help I have ever received. If it is something she wants to talk about then listen much and speak little.
I eat cheese and drink diet coke and it has not hurt my health or weight loss. She would be better off with no advice rather than bad advice. There is no magic food and drinks, eat less calories than your body needs and lose weight or eat more calories than your body needs and gain weight. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be.0 -
Nothing. Unless she brings it up with you (which implicitly gives you permission), it isn't your business.
This ^^
She knows she is overweight. She knows she'd be healthier if she lost weight. She has to be ready and decide in her own time. Just continue setting an example and have god answers if she every brings up anything in the health/nutrition field.
I might, maybe, do a one-time short question asking if she'd be open to some suggestions (prefaced woth cpncern) but if she says no, then drop it.0 -
You do nothing. She knows she is heavy. I am sure she thinks of it everyday. After being unsuccessful after 20 years she has probably given up. The only thing you can do is just be an example with your own life. Maybe then she will want that for herself. But really, brining anything up will only just piss her off and make her eat more.0
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Hey Meeper123
I was the fat sister in this situation I was 230 lbs and growing miserable and depressed my mom and sister helped me a lot I lost down to 130 lbs and was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. Unfortunately I did gain some weight a few years ago to 180 lbs they had another talk with me and helped me from afar. I live very far away now and they helped me so much and I am greatful I hope that helps.
Can I ask you what triggered your choice to change ? Was it something they specifically said ? How exactly did they help you either by actions or words that made you make the effort to change ?0 -
*sigh*
This really sucks.
No matter how I try to think of a solution or way to help, my brain always gets stuck in an endless loop that leads to a dead end.
If I become the model picture of health and wellness, then she would probably feel bad and inferior because she hasn't done so yet.
If I say something about what to do or not to eat or how are things going on this topic or even the slightest hint, then it would turn out bad and feeling bad..
If I do nothing then well...
I have an idea... what if I were to send or forward links to success stories of people who have lost substantial amounts of weight ? Would you be * offended * if one of your family members kept sending you or forwarding to you these types of links and stories ?
It seems to me like the most important factor in embarking on a serious weight loss goal is to get to the point where you say "I CAN do this" Other peoples success stories on a repeated basis sort of builds that confidence if the previous belief system was only "I can't I can't I can't "0 -
My aunt is like this. She has a HUGE problem with eating. And when I mean huge I mean she can't fit through doors and has to be lifted off planes in a forklift. She cant even walk anymore. Her whole body is shutting down because she is way way way to large. But sadly she thinks the way to fit it is eating around 20-30 (no jokes) vitamin supplements, eating protein shakes and flavoured milks etc between meals, and then eat huge meals. She is really tall - around 6 ft, and probably weighs 300kgs (650 ish pounds). There is honestly nothing I or anyone else can do. People have talked to her over and over over the years, but nothing changes. She knows she is dying and she is the only one who can stop that, yet she cant. Shes 50 and will probably be dead in a couple of years. Its heartbreaking.0
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this....stay out of it.....Nothing. Unless she brings it up with you (which implicitly gives you permission), it isn't your business.
My parents are morbidly obese and have been most of my life, my sister is overweight. I wouldn't dream of telling them how/why to lose weight. I love them, but I don't want to fight with them (and they are all smart people, they know the health risks they face).
Telling people they should lose weight is like telling people to quit smoking: it might make you feel virtuous but it will either put them on the defensive or will hurt their feelings.0 -
I have 2 brothers who are in good shape and have never been overweight. I on the other hand am the obese sister. One of the things I love about them is that they have respected me enough to not say a word about my weight and to simply love me just as I am. Does that mean that they don't encourage me? No, when I started this journey I told the youngest one that I wanted to go horseback riding on the beach next summer, he promised to bring the horses.
An aunt a few years ago decided to take it upon herself to say something to me at a family gathering and to go after my brothers for not saying anything to me. They both looked at me and said "Sis, do you know you are overweight?" I said yes, they said, "we don't need to tell her we just need to love her."
I have a good friend on the other hand who's father tried so hard to get her to change and to control her that she severed contact with him for over a decade.
Your description of your sister leads me to believe she is a smart, capable woman who probably knows something needs to change. For both myself and my wife the change in our eating couldn't really come until we got control of other areas of our lives.
I am curious about something though. You said you just signed up today and your first post was not seeking the usual MFP first timer information and support. Rather it was asking us, how to convince your sister to lose weight. Did you join for yourself or to gain ammunition to manipulate her with? Having read your responses here you seem bent on justifying talking to her, rather than truly on changing yourself.0 -
i'm sure you are very concerned, as I am also for my brother in the same situation, but saying something will, ususally, only bring forth hard feelings, hurt and relationship problems for the 2 of you. Even if you said something, it will not make a difference until SHE wants the change and is concerned for her health. A person can only change for good when they set their own mind to it. If you feel driven to say something, I would not approach it as an assualt on her current eating habits, but offer suggestions to healthier options. Instead of saying "Don't eat that doughnut because it has X amount of sugar/calories/fat" say "Do you want this apple/orange/carrots etc ? They have so many good nutrients for the body"
Pointing out the negative that a person is doing usually only makes them feel worse about what they are doing. Offering a positive outlet and insight to healthier things gives them a glance at how things COULD be and that may be the only push they need to see a change and how good it will feel.
But, eating healthier foods will only get you so far, you must add exercise to life to make a change. I would, however, offer up advice on the exercise part of life because she can still enjoy the occasional snacks and loose weight if done with exercise and in moderation.0 -
I only skimmed through the replies so I hope I'm not being redundant. That being said, when my brother brought up my weight (and I was overweight but not morbidly so), it did not make me rush out to be Miss Healthy. It made me not want to talk to my brother. One side comment took me a long time to forgive. Several years later, I decided to change my eating habits, but I had to reach that point on my own.0
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Leave her at it, her body, she can do as she wises.0
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My sisters helped me to lose weight by being a living example for me. They eat a healthy diet and live a healthy lifestyle. There is nothing that they could say that would have helped. Their lack of condemnation and judgement was the best help I have ever received. If it is something she wants to talk about then listen much and speak little.
I eat cheese and drink diet coke and it has not hurt my health or weight loss. She would be better off with no advice rather than bad advice. There is no magic food and drinks, eat less calories than your body needs and lose weight or eat more calories than your body needs and gain weight. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be.
Agree 100% My family is filled with obese relatives. The best thing I can do is lead by example and not shove my views in their faces. By doing this one family member has approached me, without me ever saying anything to her first, and she wanted more information. I was happy to help her at that point (and she's now lost over 40lbs), but she had to be the one to decide that she wanted to lose the weight at this time in her life. I never ever talk about my weight loss/food philosophy, unless the other person initiates the conversation. The other way just leads to big trouble.
Op, the best thing you can do is just focus on your own weight loss/health and be that good example in her life. If you have a good attitude about the changes you're making (don't ever complain about your diet in front of her etc), then she will have someone in her life who's made the change successfully, and that may lead her to wanting more information. At that point, after she approaches you, then you can give her suggestions and offer to help. If she's the one to initiate it, then she'll have a much better attitude about it and will be more likely to stick with it.0 -
I have an idea... what if I were to send or forward links to success stories of people who have lost substantial amounts of weight ? Would you be * offended * if one of your family members kept sending you or forwarding to you these types of links and stories ?
It seems to me like the most important factor in embarking on a serious weight loss goal is to get to the point where you say "I CAN do this" Other peoples success stories on a repeated basis sort of builds that confidence if the previous belief system was only "I can't I can't I can't "
NO. I would be hitting the delete button and getting very annoyed that you kept sending me unsolicited emails about former fatties. As everyone has said she knows she is overweight, she has to be committed to losing weight - not just talking about wanting to lose weight to your mother in private conversations (not so private apparently) - and nothing you say or do will make her change her eating habits unless she wants to.
You should not discuss this with her unless she asks you directly.0 -
I have an idea... what if I were to send or forward links to success stories of people who have lost substantial amounts of weight ? Would you be * offended * if one of your family members kept sending you or forwarding to you these types of links and stories ?
It seems to me like the most important factor in embarking on a serious weight loss goal is to get to the point where you say "I CAN do this" Other peoples success stories on a repeated basis sort of builds that confidence if the previous belief system was only "I can't I can't I can't "
It's touching that you are such a caring brother but If my brother (who is in great shape and always has been) would have done this to me It wouldn't have motivated me at all. It would have pissed me off.
I was not miserable as a fat person.. I had a decent job, a man who loved me, reasonable income, I was 'outdoorsy' - hiking, walking, enjoying nature. I 'felt' reasonably attractive, had good confidence...The ONLY reason that I even bothered to lose weight is because I finally accepted that all the pains from my knees, ankles, back were directly caused by the fact that I was carrying around a bunch of extra weight. Sure I would occasionally mention it to someone that I should 'lose weight' but until -I- made that connection in my own mind and decided that I would DO IT, no amount of talking or support or motivational pictures would have lit that fire under my *kitten*.
Think about yourself.. WHY did you decide to start down this path? what were your 'triggers'? I doubt that you just got out of bed one day and said "I think I'll lose weight today" I bet it was a fairly complex path and likely it took you quite some time. Would you have done it if someone kept bothering you about it?0 -
Would you have done it if someone kept bothering you about it?
Excellent point. I must say that whether it was my parents or a friend or anyone else... As I think back all the years in the past when someone has nagged on me or told me what to do or change about my life, I usually just got defensive just kept saying "yes yes yes" but then went right back to what my original life plans were. I probably considered the advice people have given me in the past and many times the advice was correct, but I still ignored it, sometimes to my detriment.
Perhaps this is because of a deep subconscious reflex many adults have that goes back to their childhood rebellion of wanting to do things their own way and not have someone else get credit for the idea.
The ONLY reason that I even bothered to lose weight is because I finally accepted that all the pains from my knees, ankles, back were directly caused by the fact that I was carrying around a bunch of extra weight.
THIS is one of the reasons that I was shocked during the past 1 week vacation with her. Her ankle has been bothering her a lot and she has fear that it will give out on her again. It made our 30 mile bike outing somewhat of a fear based event. I am *assuming* she knows that the reason she is having ankles issues is because of the weight issues.
We stopped midway on the bike trip to rest on a beach nearby and chilled out for 15 mins. But then as we were about to leave she was still sitting on the beach blanket and asked for help to get up, implying that she could not get up on her own. I assumed she was joking and did not take any initiative to help her, but then started walking around thinking I should help her get up off the blanket. Anyway she got up on her own but this episode was a bit of minor trauma for me even though it may not have been a true request.
NO. I would be hitting the delete button and getting very annoyed that you kept sending me unsolicited emails about former fatties.
Yes I am realizing this would be a bad idea now. But I still think success stories and mentors are a huge factor in 'getting over the hump'.0
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