what would YOU do ?
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Losing the weight YOURSELF is a creative way to get her to pay attention.
Does that really work ? If I made a public attempt to get down to 180 pounds and then revealed it to her somehow. Wouldn't that make someone who has not reached any weight loss goal yet feel inferior? or jealous that someone else has done it but they have not ?
I guess I just feel so uncomfortable bringing up any topic related to food, weight loss or health with her because I know she is very sensitive and may take it the wrong way.0 -
I understand where you're coming from. However, whenever my family members made a comment about my weight, it just made me want to eat more. It will only hurt her self-esteem, and should she ever lose the weight, she will have horrible self-image. Perhaps she is happy where she is. Either way, you don't get to be a weight Nazi. In doing so you would be counter-productive. Stay out of it.0
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Also, you need to stop judging her. It is not your life and you most likely don't know everything that is going on in her's. Since my family got out of my weight business, I have lost 15 pounds.0
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It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?
Definitely not. But that guy Chris Powell from that show extreme weight loss might be. He seems like a really genuine guy committed to peoples success no matter what their previous circumstance was.0 -
Well, I would start by minding my own business and not being such a judgypants.
However, if she commented on my weight loss or fitness, I would casually explain what I've been doing. If she seems interested, I'd go on and perhaps even offer to give her personalized advice.0 -
Did not read the replies but..... IMO someone has to want to make changes. You telling her that she needs to is going to accomplish nothing.0
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Someone (a German friend with broken English) asked me one day: "why don't you care about yourself anymore" - blunt but it got me thinking, why did I let myself slide, did I just not care, or was I lazy, or was it my "slow metabolism"...it didnt matter, it was clear to the world that I didnt care enough about myself to take care of my body. Changed my ways 18lbs down now...
No one likes to be told they are neglecting themselves, but everyone needs a wake up call too. Once they are aware fully, they will do something about it, if not, at least you tried. At worst hurt feelings are better than being dead. Just dont be patronising :-)
It is interesting that you mention your German friend was the one that mentioned this. My Mother is German and I have been to Germany many times and I know for a fact that Germans are very upfront and direct when it comes to saying what is on their mind. They will not hesitate at all to tell someone they are overweight or not taking care of themselves. It may come off as rude and very inconsiderate but it is definitely a wake up call.
But in America talking about weight issues or pointing it out to others is definitely a major taboo, especially to strangers or non family members! But in Europe they do it all the time.0 -
It sounds like she needs professional intervention. Are you the right guy for that?
Definitely not. But that guy Chris Powell from that show extreme weight loss might be. He seems like a really genuine guy committed to peoples success no matter what their previous circumstance was.
Time to shut off the tube, my friend. This is the second time you've referenced that show. The people on that show have the motivation of a professional trainer and weight loss expert living with them for 3 months, a food plan by a nutritionist, time off work for 3 months, oh, and tv cameras watching their every move. This is not your sister's situation. Stop trying to force her to follow reality tv format, and suggesting she's a failure because she's "only" lost 30lbs and not fast enough and eats cheese.0 -
I totally agree. Food can be an addiction. We all know over-eating is bad for our health, yet msny of us still engage in the habit. It becomes a cycle that is difficult to break. The turning point will come when she has had enough. In the meantime, don't judge her eating habits. It will cause hurt and itnwill not help her in any way. Be a shining example for her to follow. Love her for who she is and say nothing.0
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I’ve come back to this thread many times because I feel a strong kinship to your sister. Bear with me on the length because writing a response to you here is also providing a bit of therapy for me.
For the last 10-15 years, I was the fat sister. My brother is not ripped, but because he was in better shape than me, he constantly made me feel bad about myself. Although he probably thought his little comments and suggestions were helpful, they had the opposite effect. My father would do the same thing.
Every time they tried to encourage me to walk somewhere, or made a face when I ordered dessert, or commented about another fat person on the street, it made me feel horrible about myself. When I felt bad, I ate to feel better. Sometimes, they made me feel defensive and defiant. That made me eat, too.
It’s going to be hard. You’re not going to like it because it means you have to STOP doing and thinking something and that may feel like your “endless loop that leads to a dead end”. I know it would be easier to take action, plan an intervention, control the situation and Do Something. That’s the kicker. Like losing weight, sometimes the hardest things to do in life are the most important.
You make a lot of excellent points.
I just want to make it clear that I did not once during the past week with my Sister verbally say anything about food choices or what not to eat or that too much is being eaten or that she should drink diet coke or anything like that. Not one word.
But I WILL tell you that at various times through the vacation week I was THINKING these things. I cannot say whether the expression on my face revealed what I was thinking. Maybe it did. Honestly I was enjoy the time spent with her, but I was thinking about the potentially negative actions she was taking and it was bothering me, a lot.
It could be that my subconscious thoughts and expressions still communicated the same message even though I spoke no negative words about food, weight loss etc.
At the end of the first 25 mile bike trip which ended in the evening around 7pm I was totally exhausted partly because I did not drink enough fluids during the day. She asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her bf and I answered with an assertive 'no' and then basically just took off back to my motel. Part of my frustated answer to her was my exhaustion but also me being upset that they were now going to eat dinner at 8 at night with friend onion rings, butter and lobster etc etc.
So who knows whether or not she took that the wrong way. It is just so hard for me to put a big smile on my face and tell her to enjoy her late dinner when I know it is the wrong thing to do. And it is these small decisions that make all the difference.
So I am sort of thinking out loud now.... perhaps you are correct that even subliminal thoughts and facial expressions regarding her weight issues are enough to trigger a negative spiral.
So then that would mean on all future meetings with my Sister I need to have the ability to completely control my thoughts of any negative nature (related to weight stuff) even though I do not say any words out loud.
I think i could do it.. Let go Let God as they say.....
but I don't think my Father can... which leads me into another aspect you and some others mentioned on here.
My Father has not been able to let go of this issue regarding my Sister....
he has reminded her holiday after holiday, Birthday after Birthday and on so many other occasions that she needs to do something about her weight/health.
He just CANNOT let go of this issue and has not been able to let go of it for the last 30 years.
From the insight of your post and some others on here, I am starting to think that the ONLY way for my Sister to get on the right path is for me but most especially my Father to stop bringing up any topic or slightest hint of anything that has to do with her weight ! In addition to not bringing up the topic, he must also not think about the topic on any level even for a micro second.
My Father has been nagging at her for YEARS even decades. Not really in a mean cold way, (ie. saying 'your fat') but more in subtle and underhanded ways.... (ie. long letters to her about her health, we are concerned etc. mentioning subtle hints on the holidays and other get togethers).
I have mentioned a few times at least in the past to my Father that he just needs to LET GO and set her free but to this day and at his age of 77 he still has not been able to let go. But this cycling dynamic between my Father and Sister is probably a core factor in the inability of my Sister to make serious progress.
The dynamic could be as simple as this..:
1. Father keeps reminding daughter of her weight problems time and time again for many many years.
2. Daughter keeps getting the subliminal negative messages despite the Father's desire to 'help'.
3. Daughter continues to struggle with weight issues and they actually get worse and get re-enforced after each of these 'reminders' from Father.
4. Daughter cannot get to weight loss goal because by doing so, then the Father would have 'won' and would essentially be able to say ' I told you so'.0 -
This is a tough issue. I'm extremely close with my brother and knew he had a strong desire to lose weight. When I finally was able to start losing weight I went up to him and said (I think I was crying) "You are the most important person in the world to me, and I want you to be happy and healthy. Will you lose weight with me?"
I think the most important thing is to stay away from the cliched "I just want what's best for you" and show that it comes from a very strong love, and offer to do it together. Rather than "go do this", it should be "let's do this together".0 -
This is a tough issue. I'm extremely close with my brother and knew he had a strong desire to lose weight. When I finally was able to start losing weight I went up to him and said (I think I was crying) "You are the most important person in the world to me, and I want you to be happy and healthy. Will you lose weight with me?"
I think the most important thing is to stay away from the cliched "I just want what's best for you" and show that it comes from a very strong love, and offer to do it together. Rather than "go do this", it should be "let's do this together".
Thank you for sharing that.
If I were to do this though, the one tricky aspect is that I have less to lose than she does so doesn't that sort of make it unfair ?
If one family member needs to lose 120 pounds to reach their ideal weight and the other needs to lose 30 pounds to reach their ideal weight, how can it be made fair to both? It seems like I would have an unfair head start.0 -
Losing the weight YOURSELF is a creative way to get her to pay attention.
Does that really work ? If I made a public attempt to get down to 180 pounds and then revealed it to her somehow. Wouldn't that make someone who has not reached any weight loss goal yet feel inferior? or jealous that someone else has done it but they have not ?
I guess I just feel so uncomfortable bringing up any topic related to food, weight loss or health with her because I know she is very sensitive and may take it the wrong way.
I don't think so, I would interpret that as "he knows what he's talking about, he did it"0 -
This is a tough issue. I'm extremely close with my brother and knew he had a strong desire to lose weight. When I finally was able to start losing weight I went up to him and said (I think I was crying) "You are the most important person in the world to me, and I want you to be happy and healthy. Will you lose weight with me?"
I think the most important thing is to stay away from the cliched "I just want what's best for you" and show that it comes from a very strong love, and offer to do it together. Rather than "go do this", it should be "let's do this together".
Thank you for sharing that.
If I were to do this though, the one tricky aspect is that I have less to lose than she does so doesn't that sort of make it unfair ?
If one family member needs to lose 120 pounds to reach their ideal weight and the other needs to lose 30 pounds to reach their ideal weight, how can it be made fair to both? It seems like I would have an unfair head start.
Both people don't have to have the same goal...one could be for weight loss, one could be training for an event or working on some other personal goal. The point is that they're in the journey together.0 -
It would be difficult to say much to her IMO.
This was me (your sister). And anytime my family said anything to me, I did see it as pure criticism, and lecturing. Both my parents struggled with weight their entire lives so who were they to tell me how to eat and what to eat. They are very judgmental. It never ended. It really made the situation worse. If she isn' ready to lose weight, she won't just because of your concern. She has to reach her bottom, her own breaking point. She has to want it before she will be successful, your concern alone won't be enough. It may make things worse in the end.
Just love her, and accept her and capitalize on her positives.0 -
You go on a 1 week vacation with your family and you see that your Sister is still really overweight in her mid 40's and you are very concerned.
During the one week vacation you see her eating habits pretty much the same as they have always been (ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke") despite 2 decades of attempts to lose weight. Nothing has changed.
What would you do ?
keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?
I love my Sister but this past week experience has me very concerned.
Nothing at all. Just continue in my healthy way, and answer any questions she might have when she sees me logging in food and exercising every day.
You can only show through example, but sister will have to decide when better health is right for her.0 -
Just because we lose weight and maybe even meet our goal weight that does not make us the Diet Police. Many of us have family in that position but the only time we should get into other people's business is when they ask.0
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MrsFowler,
Thanks for your excellent points. Your point about the 'last straw' or reaching a breaking point is key. I think my Sister could reach that point, but I wonder if there is a spark that would help to set it in motion...
I'm sorry I didn't respond to this earlier. Because of the lack of notifications, multiple, long threads can be hard to follow on the fly and I simply missed some of the middle of this one. I went to your profile since I realized I missed some comments and I want to state again that I do believe that you genuinely care for your sister. I hope I was clear about that.
I also believe that if you attempt to influence her behavior with your current thinking pattern, you will do more harm than good, for the reasons that I have outlined before. I don't mean to harp and I won't repeat them.
I think the dynamic that apparently exists with your father may have influenced you more than you think, as well. While you seem to realize that his criticism, however well-intended, is not serving her well, you are also considering picking up right at the same point.
I guarantee that I would not currently be able to complete the 30 mile bike ride that your sister did. I hope that's something that won't always be the case and I'm working toward being more fit as well as less heavy, but I guarantee that if I burned THOUSANDS of calories doing so, I would be shocked and dismayed if my brother's concern was whether I was eating dinner to his standards or not when it was all over. I promise you, too, that if I had to ask my brother for help getting up from the ground halfway through that he would absolutely have extended a helping hand first and questioned whether I was serious or not later.
Too, some of the ideas you bring to the fore are simply not required for weight loss and general health improvement. The Diet Coke thing has been bashed to death, I know, but just as an example, do you think that if she was eating even 50% better than she is presently eating, drinking Diet Coke would be the end of her success? Now I'm not saying that it's a health food by any means, but it really just doesn't have to be an issue in the big picture.
Then eating dinner after 8:00 pm. Like you probably have, I've heard it said many times, but I have yet to ever see any medical or scientific proof that this is detrimental to weight loss. On the other hand, I see people on this site say EVERY DAY that they have lost 30, 50, 100, 200 pounds and more by eating at a moderate deficit, at whatever time of day they choose, including every manner of "not health foods", drinking alcohol, drinking soda, some without even exercising. In many of these areas, I'm one of them.
But then, I also see every day people with the "all or nothing" mentality posting that they are on the verge of quitting because they are beating themselves up because they have a plan that isn't sustainable for "them" or over some imagined sin...eating over goal for day, "binging" at dinner the night before, missing a week of exercise, having a piece of cake....I cannot imagine trying to impose that kind of thinking on someone I love and expecting them to accept that this is the only way to achieve an acceptable measure of success.
I hope the best for both of you, Thomas.0 -
Losing the weight YOURSELF is a creative way to get her to pay attention.
Does that really work ? If I made a public attempt to get down to 180 pounds and then revealed it to her somehow. Wouldn't that make someone who has not reached any weight loss goal yet feel inferior? or jealous that someone else has done it but they have not ?
Losing the weight yourself might, Pointing out that you lost it would probably not.
One of the many kicks I have received onto the path I'm on now is my sister's sister in law: close to the same age, similar professionally, and *far* better shape. It just slowly sank in, with the example Right There, that there was an alternative to letting myself go and saying that it was part of growing up. It isn't, and her example stood as a stark reminder of how far I had drifted - and her silence on the matter a reminder of how much it is a personal choice, and if I wanted it, it was up to me to have it.
Of course, that wasn't quite enough: the final kick was deciding that my girlfriend deserved a much hotter boyfriend. But I wouldn't have thought it quite so possible without the example of the sister in law.0 -
I would just keep quiet. My mother has been obese ever since I was born (she claims she never lost the baby weight). I only offer her tips and advice if she asks, but over the years I've come to realize that she will probably never change. I love her and I don't like to see her ruining her health like this, but unless she suddenly decides to commit to a sustainably healthy lifestyle (and not just a few weeks on Atkins or the Master Cleanse), I'm just going to go about my business. I try to be a good example and whenever she compliments me on my weight loss I hope that maybe it inspires her a little bit.0
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I'd be making sure my life was 100% perfect before I waded into what is somebody else's business.
Maybe she'll live to 110 and have a happy life all the while munching the ice cream. In the meantime maybe the stress of trying to keep the numbers on MFP green will drive other people to eating disorders.
Each to their own, if she asks for advice then give it until then be an example is my best advice.0 -
It really depends on your relationship . I went to my brothers house once and he had a huge plate of food in front of him and a diet coke . i laughed and laughed and he asked why I was laughing and I said I wonder how much good he was doing with his diet coke haha. He laughed and said every little bit counts
then he had a heart attack that same year .He lost about 50 lbs and was doing well......flash to now , he's well over 300 lbs and the last time I saw him I told him I was afraid taht I would get a call that he had another heart attack because he is so overweight . he said it's just too hard ,he likes food too much . I told him I understand but that I will feel terrible if he dies and I can't see him one more time. that was in July
he texted me yesterday that he is below 300 for the first time in 5 years ......... I would talk to her,because you love her.....0 -
I would tell her you want to have a good talk to her - then ask her how she feels about you and the family criticising her over her eating. What effects it has had on her.
Then be quiet for an hour or two while she shames you.0 -
I feel more and more sorry for your sister. Her father's been criticizing her weight for 30 years, and now her brother wants to join in the chorus. If it didn't motivate her for 30 years hearing it from your dad, why would it work hearing it from you? And what exactly is your "concern"? I mean, she rode 30 miles on a bike which indicates that she's got some level of fitness (superior to many people of lesser weight, I would say), so what is it about her weight that bothers you so much? Apparently being judgmental and controlling runs with the Y chromosome in your family.
I would suggest you read some of the many threads on here about "the last straw" that started people on the path toward weight loss. I don't remember any of them saying that it was because of a relative telling them or not-so-subtly hinting to them to do it. Many report that they didn't realize how bad it had gotten until they saw a photo, saw a certain weight on the scale, couldn't fit into their "fat clothes", etc...but I'm sure your sister is acutely aware of her weight thanks to Dad's efforts over the last 3 decades.
Oh, and I drink diet soda because I prefer the taste. Yes, even if I'm having a calorie-laden meal along side it.0 -
I feel more and more sorry for your sister. Her father's been criticizing her weight for 30 years, and now her brother wants to join in the chorus. If it didn't motivate her for 30 years hearing it from your dad, why would it work hearing it from you? And what exactly is your "concern"? I mean, she rode 30 miles on a bike which indicates that she's got some level of fitness (superior to many people of lesser weight, I would say), so what is it about her weight that bothers you so much? Apparently being judgmental and controlling runs with the Y chromosome in your family.
I would suggest you read some of the many threads on here about "the last straw" that started people on the path toward weight loss. I don't remember any of them saying that it was because of a relative telling them or not-so-subtly hinting to them to do it. Many report that they didn't realize how bad it had gotten until they saw a photo, saw a certain weight on the scale, couldn't fit into their "fat clothes", etc...but I'm sure your sister is acutely aware of her weight thanks to Dad's efforts over the last 3 decades.
Oh, and I drink diet soda because I prefer the taste. Yes, even if I'm having a calorie-laden meal along side it.
It is a shame you have to put such a negative spin on it.
Perhaps I did not communicate clearly enough. Or perhaps the cold black and white text we all type here makes my true intention unclear.
The only intention I have is to HELP her in a POSITIVE way. I am not here to judge or cause negative outcomes. My post here was an attempt at feedback which so far has been very helpful. God Bless all of you who have responded and I thank you for your thoughts.0 -
I am not here to judge or cause negative outcomes.
"judge /jəj/ - verb
Definition:
Form an opinion or conclusion about another person in regard to their lifestyle, appearance or habits. Commonly precedes a negative outcome."
AND here's some Christianity-based moral guidance for you to be going on with: 'Judge not lest ye be judged' then there's 'Let he who is without flab cast the first stone' and 'Thou must not covet thy sister's ice cream and waffles' also 'If thy father offends thee then cast him out'.
Good luck!0 -
I agree about asking her just one day when you are ready to walk if she'd like to go along. I tried to tell my son, it didn't go well, I know I hurt him, not my intention. People don't take things like that as your concerned and only want the best for them, unfortunately.
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You are not the fat police. Your sister knows she has a problem and you don't need to make her feel bad bringing it up. In fact, you may make her gain even more weight because she'll show you she'll eat what she wants and you can't control it. Leave her alone unless she asks for your help.0
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