what would YOU do ?

chandanista

If things have been said in the past, and she has been hurt due to it, you KNOW that saying something (unprompted) now will not help and could exacerbate the situation. If you send her home crying about what you say, it will probably be blown out of proportion in her mind and if an emotional eater she will bury her sorrows in calorie dense deliciousness. She has to want it FIRST, really want it, not daydream want it.

bwright9752

(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?

keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?

Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.

Hildy_J

If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.

Why are men so weird about this? You ask for a few bites and they go all: 'JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD' on you.

thomas2017

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Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?

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Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.

Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.

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Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.

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Well I think she knows she is crossing the line. But I don't think she knows her habits are *awful*

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Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
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I don't think she has fully connected or realized this concept. And her doctors should all be FIRED in my opinion. They should be telling her flat out it is time to take radical measures RIGHT NOW. And yet they slap her on the wrist and say she is not that bad.

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Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.

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I don't have a magic solution because there is no magic solution. My fear is maybe she thinks there is a magic solution. The magic solution is the greatest evil marketing pitch given to those who suffer from weight loss.
The solution is real sacrifice, some pain and suffering from giving up unhealthy fatty foods, and the real hard work ethic of very active exercise. Problem is she always just seems to make a half attempt at it. She does not go 100% with a true burning desire to accomplish a certain goal.

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Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.

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Yes, but she gives up too easily because of *distractions* (work stress, emotions, boyfriend issues and bad eating models etc. )

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Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.

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MrsFowler1069

(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?

keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?

Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.

lol They didn't belong to friends. They were made of friends. The last ones that told her she needed to lose weight.

Hildy_J

Love = acceptance. End of.

It's all sounding a bit angry and controlling to me.... you may be projecting on to her those characteristics which you most dislike in yourself? I wouldn't like to be in your family. Ever wonder she eats!

It's all a bit tangled. Take a deep breath and back off.

Good luck! x

Deipneus

You go on a 1 week vacation with your family and you see that your Sister is still really overweight in her mid 40's and you are very concerned.

During the one week vacation you see her eating habits pretty much the same as they have always been (ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke") despite 2 decades of attempts to lose weight. Nothing has changed.

What would you do ?

keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?


I love my Sister but this past week experience has me very concerned.

Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.

bwright9752

(ice cream, a huge 12 pack box of chocolate covered cranberries, friend onion rings,"diet coke")
What would you do ?

keep quiet? talk to her ? do something drastic ?

Tell her to stop eating her friend's onion rings, that's a good way to lose a finger or at least face a nasty fork stabbing to the hand in my circle of friends. If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.

lol They didn't belong to friends. They were made of friends. The last ones that told her she needed to lose weight.

Ahh, that sounds amazing.... exactly what part of the friend do I use to make an onion ring? Maybe the time one of my "friends" eats some of my chicken wings at BW3 I'll make friend onion rings out of him.

ELENA01

My sister did say something to me. I thought about it, looked at her eating habits and fitness routine and did do something about it. I am gratefully she mentioned it. She lead me my example. On the other hand my younger was out of control. Everyone in the family said something. She did not do anything about it until her husband left, who was also out of control, for a thinner woman.

wamydia

You may try doing just a tiny bit of fishing to see if she is interested in the topic (maybe bring up something about your own weight loss plan or exercise), but if she is clearly not interested then it is not your place to try to tell her how to live her life. It's possible that if you mention your diet plan she may really be curious about what you are doing and receptive to suggestions and that could open the door for a serious conversation about how concerned your are. Beyond that, though, she is an adult and has the right to make her own eating decisions even if others don't agree or are genuinely concerned for her. Just think about how you would feel if someone in your life took it upon themself to sit you down and tell you that you need to condsider changing your eating habits because their opinion is that it is bad for you. It probably wouldn't go over very well. No one likes the food police. And, ultimately, if she is not interested in changing for her own sake then she will not be able to succeed anyway.

khadijak17

My sister is only 16 years old and weighs 17 and a half stone, whenever i see her i see such a beautiful person who is ruining her health, she lives at home still and whilst my mums forever on some fad diet i don't think anyone has actually paid attention to what is eaten in their home.
When i first joined her she was staying with me and we did it together for a couple of weeks, she managed to lose 9lbs and then her stay at mine ended and she went home.
I told her to stay committed and that she would do really well i told her i would treat her after every 10lbs lost and i never got the chance to because she didnt commit.
The next time i spoke to her as her older sister and friend, she listened and didnt say much, i explained what it was doing to her health.
After she went home i got a phone call from my mum telling me i'd upset her and to stay out of it, i was told she wasn't going to develop high blood pressure, diabetes or her heart would not suffer even though these things run in my family not to mention even if they didnt thats just some of what being obese does to you.

After this i've never mentioned weight loss, healthy food, exercise to her, it hurts as i know what its doing to her, she can hardly walk home from school she gets out of breath, shes too lazy to walk to the shops, shes 17 in oct and doesnt have periods and she always just seems to eat eat eat.

BUT......theres nothing i can do she will have to realise on her own one day that she needs to lose weight

TheCaren

I wouldn't say a word. She knows she's overweight, and I suspect has a pretty good idea why.

However, the first time you hear the words "I don't understand why I can't lose this weight/why I keep gaining weight", I'd be all over that like flies on stink. In a gentle way.

My response would be something like "For me, I noticed that when I quit eating such large portions my weight leveled out. And when I cut out salty snacks it helped me not to retain so much water, or feel so bloated all the time, which motivated me to get a little exercise. This of course led to the number on the scale shrinking, which just motivated me to keep going.

Crohns2013

I wouldn't say a word. She knows she's overweight, and I suspect has a pretty good idea why.

However, the first time you hear the words "I don't understand why I can't lose this weight/why I keep gaining weight", I'd be all over that like flies on stink. In a gentle way.

My response would be something like "For me, I noticed that when I quit eating such large portions my weight leveled out. And when I cut out salty snacks it helped me not to retain so much water, or feel so bloated all the time, which motivated me to get a little exercise. This of course led to the number on the scale shrinking, which just motivated me to keep going.

This. I wouldn't force it on her, but if she brings it up and wants to talk about it, then I would discuss it.

I have lots of people in my family that eat terribly and are really overweight. They know they are unhealthy, they have to make the decision to change things. No one can do it for them. Telling them they are fat will just hurt feelings, it's not productive.

jacklis

It was my sister who inspired me to lose and get fit. Not so much by what she said (because at the time I found what she was saying to be pretentious and pious), but by what she did and her results. She offered to help by setting up some joint fitness times which my whole family got in on- but I was not ready to commit. However, when I finally did decide it was my time to giver 'er she became my biggest cheerleader, the best friend I could have on this journey. So don't lose hope, DO share what you are doing but let it drop when she sends those "I don't want to hear it" signals, and let your results be the proof positive she needs to get on the bandwagon herself.
Lead with love.

michael1976_ca

I don't have a sister but do have 2 brothers. My relationship with each is very different. One I would smack on the back of the head and say " What the @#$%@ are you doing to yourself." The other I would just let it be because he wouldn't listen to me anyway. It depends how you and her get along.

you can try to help but be ready if she doesn't want it. some people need to find a rason for a change and you can't make that happen. i've tryed almost every thing under the sun to help my little brother stop smoking but hes not ready. he will agree then start back up in a couple of days

WestCoastJo82

[/quote]Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.
[/quote]

Yep, this.

MrsFowler1069

I just can't understand why my Sister has not had this same burning desire because she is able to achieve so many other things under even more difficult circumstances.

I've been in the same situation and still don't know the answer. I told myself for years, "I really need to start doing something," but continued to overeat and pack on the pounds. There are so many lifestyle, habit, and emotional ties to all of it, it just isn't really even a choice born of logic. It's just going through the days the way you do. At some level, I always wanted to lose weight - often I was acutely aware of it, embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted. Mostly tired, though, colored by all those other things.

Honestly for me, I had a bunch of stuff happen on a personal level that was devastating and out of my control. And I finally decided, "Well, this I can control. I'm tired of being heavy, tired of hurting, tired of not being able to move and of not having clothes that fit... and, while everything else seems to be falling apart, at least I can concentrate on doing this one beneficial thing for myself." So I am.

It's hard to say what will move a person. There is a thread on here called (I think) "What was your last straw?" and it's interesting to see what finally moves a person to make significant changes at any level of their life. However, I don't think for very many it starts with hearing what they already know from others. It might make them angry, sad, embarrassed, defensive, contrite...but it probably doesn't honestly inspire change very often.

I would say that the best thing you can do is just to be a brother and a friend. Set a good example. You may choose to talk about your own journey, but I would focus less on "I did two hours at the gym today hoo-rah!" than on "I feel so good. I'm so glad I'm doing something," and "Boy, this (healthy food of your choice) is one of my favorite recipes! Do you want some? I have enough to share."

If you live close by, maybe you could invite her and her boyfriend over for an evening once in a while. You can serve the regular, healthy food choices that you would serve anyway and plan some fun time - maybe a little easy backyard volleyball or badminton or a walk around the block so the little kids can ride bikes (if there are any kids or bikes lol) - or even a board game, a bbq, a movie, whatever it is that you all would enjoy. It doesn't have to be a lecture or a confrontation or even super active - but the evening doesn't have to be centered around fatty foods and sweets, either. If she shows up with a bag of chocolate-covered whatever, that's her choice. Any chance that she might respond well to this will probably be ruined by your pushing it on her, though. There is a difference between letting her into and sharing with her the new aspects of your own life and trying to manipulate her into substituting your judgment for her own. Hopefully, she will also enjoy the different food options and the time spent with you - and see that you are doing well with your new choices.

Which I hope you are. Take care.

footiechick82

If this was my brother, and my brother is a hottie but has put on weight, I tell him to quit eating *kitten* and stay away from beer unless he wants his hottie status to go out the window.

If this was my sister, I would probably ask her to better herself IF she wanted to. Mind you, I have a best friend that does the same thing so I cook for her and tell her to minimize the amount of crap she has, she's gotten a lot better.

lcfairbairn74

Firstly, can I just say that you sound like a very lovely, caring brother, which is fantastic to hear.

The approach you need to take to this situation depends on a few factors, including what your relationship is like with your sister, and how likely she is to respond to your concern. If it were me, I would focus on yourself for now. You are new to MFP and still have to learn the ropes for yourself. Give yourself 6 to 8 weeks and see how you get on. Then, you can start gradually dropping hints such as how the site works and how successful you've been using it as a tool from your own experience. Your sister will pick up on the hints and will either continue the conversation with you, or ignore it completely and you'll know where you stand.

Ultimately though, please try and remember this. The only person who can make a change to her health is the person she sees in the mirror every day. Nobody else.

Best of luck :flowerforyou:

Koldnomore

You mentioned that you just joined today. Your best bet will be to succeed in your plan here. Invariably she WILL notice and quite possibly that will be a way to introduce her to this site People tend to listen more when they see evidence that something really does work. Stick to your plan, get to where you want to be and wait for her to take the first step. Feel free to start asking her to join you for walks, or other activities maybe she will come.

My entire family is obese. I no longer even mention my weight loss to them - not that I was ever really vocal about it because I don't feel it's my place to babysit them or lecture them about their eating. Everyone knows the risks of obesity unless they have been hiding under rocks. I figure when they are tired of being fat they will start asking for help..its like smoking..you can't MAKE anyone quit, they have to be ready to do it for themselves.