what would YOU do ?
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I get the MYOB perspective- but if she were my sister, id say something. Id get on her *kitten*. IM sorry, but shes my sister and id honestly rather her hate me, then let her go by not doing everything i could. Sure, she may know what she's doing is bad- but doesn't mean you don't try and help her. know your heart is of course in the right place and eventually she will accept this too. Id do my best and try to use every idea in the book to try and help. If all else fails, then i guess id have to give up :-/0
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I'd tell her about MFP and invite her to create an account. Then MYOB.0
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Nothing, she is an adult and can do what she pleases!! Not to mention she knows damn well she isn't eating well, it needs to be up to her to change that0
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You do nothing.
a) she knows!
b) things are obviously not bad enough yet for her to make a proper effort at addressing her health
c) she won't thank you for it.
d) it's not your responsibility0 -
Well I was the overweight sister and I didn't really need anyone to tell me that I had to lose weight. I'm not blind. What I needed was motivation or willpower, and that's not something anyone could have given me.0
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Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.
Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.
Well I think she knows she is crossing the line. But I don't think she knows her habits are *awful*
Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
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I don't think she has fully connected or realized this concept. And her doctors should all be FIRED in my opinion. They should be telling her flat out it is time to take radical measures RIGHT NOW. And yet they slap her on the wrist and say she is not that bad.
Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.
I don't have a magic solution because there is no magic solution. My fear is maybe she thinks there is a magic solution. The magic solution is the greatest evil marketing pitch given to those who suffer from weight loss.
The solution is real sacrifice, some pain and suffering from giving up unhealthy fatty foods, and the real hard work ethic of very active exercise. Problem is she always just seems to make a half attempt at it. She does not go 100% with a true burning desire to accomplish a certain goal.
Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.
Yes, but she gives up too easily because of *distractions* (work stress, emotions, boyfriend issues and bad eating models etc. )
Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.
There's nothing wrong with CHEESE and DIET COKE while you're trying to lose. I love both. I'm losing. And I'm healthy.
If you've just joined today, maybe get some footing and progress before trying to change other people. People don't change unless they want to anyway.0 -
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If she wants to eat onion rings she should order them herself or arrange to share the order from the start.
Why are men so weird about this? You ask for a few bites and they go all: 'JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD' on you.
I'm like this too. Order your own food. I want mine. *hand slap*0 -
Unfortunately, I don't think saying anything would help. I'm sure she already knows she has a problem and you pointing it out will probably just make her mad or sad. If she reaches out for help, that's different. Otherwise, just be supportive and loving.0
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You know what, I didn't realize how horrible I was eating. Okay, I would think, "I shouldn't eat this... oh well!" and laugh it off like it was nothing, because to me, it WAS nothing.
It took my sister and my boyfriend both saying something before I came to grips with how I ate food was BAD. I think you know your family better than we do. How do you think she'd act? Obviously don't go up to her and say "You're fat! Eat better!"
You could approach it from "Hey, you've mentioned before that you want to lose weight. I started using MFP. I was wondering if you'd want to join, and then maybe we could support each other in becoming healthier!" Come from a positive place of wanting to help her and not judging.
Again, every family has their own inner workings, and every person will react differently. It helped me. I'm down 25 lbs from where I originally started before joining MFP. My sister got me into doing Zumba and my boyfriend helps me with my eating habits at home.
Good luck with your decision.0 -
A very good friend of mine, I've known her for 28 yrs, is morbidly obese. She was a size 10 or so when we graduated high school, not huge, but I always worried because all of the women on both her parents sides of the family were very large. By the time she had kid # 3, she had to be close to 300 lbs. And she's only 5'1. Now she's 42 and walks like she's 85.
I've watched her live her sedentary lifestyle, but she lives three provinces away, and there is nothing I can do on a daily basis. She complains of sore knees, sore back.....all while knitting, quilting, constantly baking sweets, and sitting at a desk trying to write the 'next best selling book'. She needs to get off her *kitten*, she needs to quit aquiring hobbies that require her to SIT for long periods of time, and she needs to watch her eating.
What do I say? Nothing. I can only try and be a good example with my running, my heavy lifting, and my healthy recipes that I email her every day. A grown up needs to come to this conclusion themselves. Otherwise, it won't be a lifestyle change, it will be a temporary one.0 -
You say nothing, especially since the subject has been discussed before. What you can do is provide good example. If she cares about you, she would notice when you start losing weight. When she says something, that's the opening for you to discuss weight loss with her, to see if she's interested.0
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She's on vacation, I would shut my pompous *kitten* up, that's what *I* would do. It's her life, her business. And why the hell is diet coke in quotations? I get 1/4lber combos w/fried and a "coke zero" all the time, because 900 calories is better than 1100. I'm glad you're not my brother.0
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Other people's weight is a "Mind your own business" subject. You can make suggestions if she brings it up herself or complains about it, but other than that, no.0
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I keep hearing from folks on this board that a person who has a serious weight issue "already knows" they do and therefore know what to do about it. And for this reason they should not be bothered and just left alone.
But I am not sure everyone who has a serious weight issue fully knows the gravity and seriousness of their situation. If they did, they would change their eating/exercise habits immediately. In my experience they do KNOW, but the wall of denial almost insurmountable to overcome. And thus they need some kind of snap back to reality to help break through the denial.
On the topic of Diet Coke, well you are correct it is none of my business to decide if that is good for anyone to drink or not, but I still think that drinking any kind of soda should be permanently banned from my eating habits if I wanted to embark on a new healthy lifestyle.0 -
I keep hearing from folks on this board that a person who has a serious weight issue "already knows" they do and therefore know what to do about it. And for this reason they should not be bothered and just left alone.
But I am not sure everyone who has a serious weight issue fully knows the gravity and seriousness of their situation. If they did, they would change their eating/exercise habits immediately. In my experience they do KNOW, but the wall of denial almost insurmountable to overcome. And thus they need some kind of snap back to reality to help break through the denial.
On the topic of Diet Coke, well you are correct it is none of my business to decide if that is good for anyone to drink or not, but I still think that drinking any kind of soda should be permanently banned from my eating habits if I wanted to embark on a new healthy lifestyle.
Some people get cancer and keep smoking... it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Absolutely NONE. If you care, you'll set a good example for her and IF and when she's ready she'll ask for your help.
I think that nothing should be permanently banned from your diet if you want to embark on new healthy lifestyle, but you're free to do as you wish.0 -
But I am not sure everyone who has a serious weight issue fully knows the gravity and seriousness of their situation. If they did, they would change their eating/exercise habits immediately.
That's just not true. There are people who keep smoking after being diagnosed with smoking-related illnesses, keep taking drugs despite near-death experiences, and there are even more people who keep eating themselves into obesity and beyond even though they have obesity-related health issues. They know it's killing them, but they can't or won't take meaningful steps to change it.
Your question was "what you YOU do?". I would mind my own business unless my sibling asked for help. If you want to talk to your sister about how worried you are about her health, then by all means do that. Stage a full intervention confrontation if you want to. If you just can't sit by silently then you can't. Just realize that it may irreparably damage your relationship and that she won't change anything until she's ready.0 -
Nothing. Unless she brings it up with you (which implicitly gives you permission), it isn't your business.
My parents are morbidly obese and have been most of my life, my sister is overweight. I wouldn't dream of telling them how/why to lose weight. I love them, but I don't want to fight with them (and they are all smart people, they know the health risks they face).
Telling people they should lose weight is like telling people to quit smoking: it might make you feel virtuous but it will either put them on the defensive or will hurt their feelings.
This.
Giving people advice that they have neither asked for nor apparently want is going to be a waste of time for you and them. If people aren't in an open, receiving place, advice is going to put them on the defensive, and they're even less likely to change.0 -
obese people are not in denail , they know they are obese, they just don't want to give it up, they are getting something out of it, there is a payoff for poor eating habits. Same with an alcoholic, you can talk to him til you blue in the face, he is getting something out of the drinking even tho his life isn't working. People dealing with this stuff, they have to become sick and tired of being sick and tired , then they will make the change. Has to come from her not from you.0
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Keep quiet. Fat people know they are fat. You don't need to tell them.
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Yep, this.
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I"ve never had a burning desire to learn how to cross-stitch ... until I read this line. Now I want it on every pillow in the house. And one pillow in the office. And I'd probably keep one pillow in the car, too. You cannot live in the U S of A and NOT know you are fat. Our society is cruel to people who carry extra poundage, in many forms and fashions, some more insidious than others. Your 'caring' is very likely to be dispatched with extreme hostility ... and didn't you say something about YOUR OWN GUILT being the motivation for discussing this? You can't lose weight for someone else. It's a physical impossibility. Each person has to lose hizzer own weight.
It's also extremely unlikely, IMHO, that living in America, you would not have the resources to get to a library and check out one of ten million books, CDs, videos, MP3s that are going to help you find what works for you to lose weight.0 -
Send a general email to not just her, but to your family and friends. Tell them about MFP and that you would like people to join you to help you stay motivated. That way she doesn't feel singled out. If she shows an interest, then the door is open.
(Of course if she does join, you will have to change your user ID so she never sees your post. )0 -
Here's the thing: Do you have anything to tell her that she doesn't already know?
Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.
Does she know her habits are awful? Probably.
Well I think she knows she is crossing the line. But I don't think she knows her habits are *awful*
Does she know she is dangerously obese? Most likely.
\
I don't think she has fully connected or realized this concept. And her doctors should all be FIRED in my opinion. They should be telling her flat out it is time to take radical measures RIGHT NOW. And yet they slap her on the wrist and say she is not that bad.
Do you have the magic solution for weight loss? No.
I don't have a magic solution because there is no magic solution. My fear is maybe she thinks there is a magic solution. The magic solution is the greatest evil marketing pitch given to those who suffer from weight loss.
The solution is real sacrifice, some pain and suffering from giving up unhealthy fatty foods, and the real hard work ethic of very active exercise. Problem is she always just seems to make a half attempt at it. She does not go 100% with a true burning desire to accomplish a certain goal.
Does she know that weight loss requires diet and exercise and commitment? Probably.
Yes, but she gives up too easily because of *distractions* (work stress, emotions, boyfriend issues and bad eating models etc. )
Your heart is in the right place, but as others have said unless she asks for your help you have nothing to give her, except leading with your example.
I drink a 24 can case of Coke Cherry Zero every week-I've lost over 50lbs, am maintaining effortlessly and had perfect blood work this year :drinker:0 -
^^ cherry coke zero? SERIOUSLY. Another reason to hate Canada. WHY can't I have Cherry Coke Zero?!?0
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Well honestly it seems like I or other family members *DO know* facts regarding health and wellness that she seems to be blind to. Maybe she knows these facts as well but is in total denial. (example: She keeps drinking DIET COKE ! ) Tell me if I am wrong but it seems to me that anyone who has even a tiny desire to start losing weight and being healthy should completely BAN all soft drinks regardless whether they are diet or not. They just cannot be good for someones health over the long term and/or weight loss goals. And yet she ordered it almost every day of the vacation on cape cod.
Secondly CHEESE. She is always talking about, requesting and desiring CHEESE when she comes to visit us. Cheese is huge diet killer, but she keeps thinking about it requesting it.I drink a 24 can case of Coke Cherry Zero every week-I've lost over 50lbs, am maintaining effortlessly and had perfect blood work this year :drinker:
Okay, so here is one other thing that you may have to consider. When and if she ever decides to try to lose weight, you will not be in charge of how she does it. Concern is one thing. Support is wonderful. Encouragement? Great.
Control is something else entirely. I don't drink pop, or rather I should say I rarely drink it - maybe one every 3 or 4 months. My reasons aren't really relevant, but for the sake of this conversation, I will go ahead and say that it simply isn't something I like. However, I do drink whiskey. I eat pizza. I fully intend to have some chicken wings sometime this week. And my weight and health are steadily improving, because I'm learning new ways to fit those things into my lifestyle, as well as learning about new things that I also love.
Regardless of the decision that you make about whether to approach her about this, or about how to do it, there may come a time when she is making an effort. It will not benefit either of you or your relationship with one another for you to police her. If she thinks Diet Coke is something she can live with and still make improvements, that will be up to her. Likewise with making the decision to include a moderate amount of cheese (or heck, to eat half her daily calories in cheese). At the point that she is making improvements and losing weight, you criticizing her may well be the discouragement that makes it more difficult for her to continue.
I do believe that you care about your sister and that you want good things for her, but there is a line to be recognized between, "Honey, I'm worried about you and I want you to be around a long time," and "I can NOT believe you would drink that crap!"I still think that drinking any kind of soda should be permanently banned from my eating habits if I wanted to embark on a new healthy lifestyle.
And if "you" are wanting to embark on a new healthy lifestyle, that will be your decision to make for yourself. But at the end of the day, that "all or nothing" thinking is what makes things so very difficult for some people to sustain. It's okay to have opinions. Just be careful that you're only trying to decide for yourself. Really, what do you want for her? To become a vegan organic-only endurance athlete who makes her own laundry soap out of baking soda and dyes her clothes with homegrown berry juices? Or to simply be healthier, weigh less, be happier, and live longer? I know that sounds like a silly question, but the truth is there are all kinds of plans that are not incorrect. The only one any of us gets to decide is "right" is our own, for ourselves. You are bound to disagree with some of her choices, no matter how many changes she makes, but her responsibility in her journey will not be to you.1 -
I was the fat sister in this situation I was 230 lbs and growing miserable and depressed my mom and sister helped me a lot I lost down to 130 lbs and was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. Unfortunately I did gain some weight a few years ago to 180 lbs they had another talk with me and helped me from afar. I live very far away now and they helped me so much and I am greatful I hope that helps.0
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My sisters helped me to lose weight by being a living example for me. They eat a healthy diet and live a healthy lifestyle. There is nothing that they could say that would have helped. Their lack of condemnation and judgement was the best help I have ever received. If it is something she wants to talk about then listen much and speak little.
I eat cheese and drink diet coke and it has not hurt my health or weight loss. She would be better off with no advice rather than bad advice. There is no magic food and drinks, eat less calories than your body needs and lose weight or eat more calories than your body needs and gain weight. Don't make things more complicated than they need to be.0 -
Nothing. Unless she brings it up with you (which implicitly gives you permission), it isn't your business.
This ^^
She knows she is overweight. She knows she'd be healthier if she lost weight. She has to be ready and decide in her own time. Just continue setting an example and have god answers if she every brings up anything in the health/nutrition field.
I might, maybe, do a one-time short question asking if she'd be open to some suggestions (prefaced woth cpncern) but if she says no, then drop it.0 -
You do nothing. She knows she is heavy. I am sure she thinks of it everyday. After being unsuccessful after 20 years she has probably given up. The only thing you can do is just be an example with your own life. Maybe then she will want that for herself. But really, brining anything up will only just piss her off and make her eat more.0
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Hey Meeper123
I was the fat sister in this situation I was 230 lbs and growing miserable and depressed my mom and sister helped me a lot I lost down to 130 lbs and was the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. Unfortunately I did gain some weight a few years ago to 180 lbs they had another talk with me and helped me from afar. I live very far away now and they helped me so much and I am greatful I hope that helps.
Can I ask you what triggered your choice to change ? Was it something they specifically said ? How exactly did they help you either by actions or words that made you make the effort to change ?0 -
*sigh*
This really sucks.
No matter how I try to think of a solution or way to help, my brain always gets stuck in an endless loop that leads to a dead end.
If I become the model picture of health and wellness, then she would probably feel bad and inferior because she hasn't done so yet.
If I say something about what to do or not to eat or how are things going on this topic or even the slightest hint, then it would turn out bad and feeling bad..
If I do nothing then well...
I have an idea... what if I were to send or forward links to success stories of people who have lost substantial amounts of weight ? Would you be * offended * if one of your family members kept sending you or forwarding to you these types of links and stories ?
It seems to me like the most important factor in embarking on a serious weight loss goal is to get to the point where you say "I CAN do this" Other peoples success stories on a repeated basis sort of builds that confidence if the previous belief system was only "I can't I can't I can't "0
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