Kids or no kids?

ihateyoga

For years, I've never wanted to have kids for a very selfish reason. Yes, people call me selfish when I tell them the true reason that I don't want kids. The reason is that I'm afraid I will get fat. Even if some people worked very hard to lose their pregnancy weight, some of the still can't get rid of the belly. Every mother tells me that children are worth everything. They are the best thing ever happened to them. However, I've never experienced the joy of having kids. Yet, I only experienced the pain of being fat. Growing up, I've always been the biggest girl in my class. People called me fat in school, my mom , my cousins, my aunts, and even my neighbors felt bad for me for being fat, and told me that I needed to lose weight.
Please don't bully me if I tell you how much I weigh, because you may think I'm ridiculous. However, Asians are very critical about weight and I grew up in Aisa. I've always been around 133 lbs at 5'5. Now, at my mid 30's, I want to have kids. But I don't know...

james6998

Its more difficult to live with Regret of something you wish you had done. If you truly want children, you will not think, can i afford them, will i lose my figure, will they be ugly looking, healthy. You get the idea. Live for what you want , don't live regretting things you wished you would have done.

pastryari

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

EmilyOfTheSun

I don't think I'll ever want kids. I love kids....as long as I can return them to their parents at the end of the day! I am selfish as well, I want to be able to get up and go out whenever I want without having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. Better to admit that than to have children and be an irresponsible parent. A lot of people tell me that I'll change my mind when I get older, but I don't really see that happening.

If you're not sure....maybe you should keep waiting.

helenrosemay

I'm 40 and never wanted children and still don't. It's not selfish to not have children, we're too over populated as it is. In fact it's very sensible to not have kids if you don't want them.

If you're really serious about wanting kids, but not going through a pregnancy there's always adoption, surrogacy or fostering.

JesterMFP

I think if that's really how you feel, then it's probably best not to. I don't think you should risk harbouring resentment towards your children for ruining your body. Women often joke about their kids ruining their bodies and it can be hard work to get back in shape, but from what you've written, your fears sound a lot deeper than average. If you really want kids, I would strongly recommend working on those insecurities first so that your future children don't suffer for them.

iamanadult

The reason is that I'm afraid I will get fat.

Please don't have kids.

james6998

I'm 40 and never wanted children and still don't. It's not selfish to not have children, we're too over populated as it is. In fact it's very sensible to not have kids if you don't want them.

Honestly my wife and I are so very happy we don't have kids. I just don't like people thinking we are selfish for not wanting them. We enjoy each others time so much as it is right now i wouldn't chance a thing.

Fit_Natasha

Nothing selfish about it. Enjoy your life. But the fact that you are questioning it in the public forum tells me that you probably not 100% comfortable with your decision.

kimtab

Whether or not pregnancy makes you fat is entirely up to you. However, there are much scarier things about having children than a little weight gain so if that's all you are concerned about I'd say you haven't really thought it through. It is good that you are thinking about it though.

Absonthebrain

Its more difficult to live with Regret of something you wish you had done. If you truly want children, you will not think, can i afford them, will i lose my figure, will they be ugly looking, healthy. You get the idea. Live for what you want , don't live regretting things you wished you would have done.

Best response!!! :flowerforyou:

BoomstickChick

I have 3 kids, they didn't make me fat. I made me fat as well as my hypothyroidism. I got some stretch marks, but that's about it from the kids. I only gained 24 lbs with my 3rd who is 3 weeks old now and the baby weight is completely gone.

bubaluboo

No I don't think you're selfish...I had a similar issue in that I thought that I would lose my health due to underlying health issues. I had my daughter at 40 in the end and I know it's a cliché but I have not regretted that decision (except leaving it that long) once. In terms of keeping your appearance. Having a baby does not have to ruin your figure. Now that I have lost the weight (laziness has made that take longer than it should have) which I gained more after pregnancy, my figure is not much different to how it was before I got pregnant especially if you take into account that I've aged another 5 years since then.. OK so I have a few more stretch marks but I had some from a growth spurt in my teenage years anyhow. If you have good muscle tone before you get pregnant and continue to exercise and eat well during pregnancy, you'll be fine. It's a decision that only you can make though and I know that's difficult when people can be so judgemental!

arghbowl

kids are the devil, so no. no kids.

Grimmerick

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

ballerina_tea

If you're not sure, don't have them. If you do want them but are scared of pregnancy, why not adopt?

I don't want kids either and am very against people that say it's selfish. It would be more selfish to force myself to whilst entirely mentally/emotionally/financially unprepared, just to please someone else. My mom thinks I'll change my mind. I just tell her I'm the type of person who would drown them in the bathtub. Now, I never would, but she's shocked enough that I would even say that and shuts up. Why should every person have kids?? If you don't, there's something wrong with you. But once you do, you're doing it all wrong. People are so judgmental either way.

fbmandy55

I've had a few friend who never wanted kids, I was one myself before an accidental pregnancy at 19. I cannot wait to have another, as my son is now 6 but we are waiting for our wedding next year before trying.

I don't think I have ever met a person who had a unplanned baby and ended up regretting it. Even those who never wanted one say the couldn't imagine life without them.

I would, however, suggest working on your self esteem first if you do choose to have one.

abeare

As a mother myself, I say yes it’s true that you won’t mind the changes to your body because your child will have been worth it, but as a mother of a very difficult colicky baby, I say if you`re not sure then don’t have kids. A child will take a lot out of you, and not just physically, it’s something that is best gone into ready for it, so if you aren’t sure or ready then wait, there is nothing wrong with never being ready either!

Jaided35

Some people don't gain a ton of weight when they get pregnant. Depends on a lot of things: size of baby, amount of amniotic fluid, size of placenta, current state of fitness, etc. If you get pregnant and decide to stop working out and lay around all day: yes you will get fat. If you continue your normal routine and continue to eat healthy you will gain a bit. I had 2 kids in 3 years and it took me 5 years to get it off. Then I had 2 more kids 13 months apart. Still working off the 40lbs. And no my kids are NOT the best thing that happened to me. LOL not to sound stupid. I'm glad I had them and I'm glad I could be a mom. It is a very unrewarding, emotionally draining (some days) job. You need to think long and hard about having a child (although some just jump right into it without thinking). If you feel strongly about it, then don't have them.

bcattoes

You don't have to get fat just because you have a baby. Just don't overeat while you are pregnant. Yes, you will gain weight. There is another human in there, after all. But if you eat sensibly most of the gain will not be fat and you should lose the weight quickly once the child is born.

Athijade

You are not selfish. Kids are not for everyone no matter what the reason is. There are so many people who should NOT have had kids already. No reason to feel like you are forced to continue to increase the world's population.

I don't want kids. I have too much of a family history of mental health issues. I am enjoy traveling and doing what I want to do. Kids would change that. I love my nieces and nephews and spend a ton of time with them... but I also enjoy the fact I can give them back to mom and dad and walk away. I can plan a solo trip to Disney and not have to worry. That is me. That is the life I want. It doesn't make me a bad person (no matter what grief I get from people).

batgirl_273

I don't think I'll ever want kids. I love kids....as long as I can return them to their parents at the end of the day! I am selfish as well, I want to be able to get up and go out whenever I want without having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. Better to admit that than to have children and be an irresponsible parent. A lot of people tell me that I'll change my mind when I get older, but I don't really see that happening.

If you're not sure....maybe you should keep waiting.

this is not selfish at all. Where is it a written law that you HAVE to have kids? I'm almost 30 and I don't want kids either, for the same reasons you mentioned. Just because I'm a woman, I shouldn't have to have kids, or want to have kids. I may have that "maternal" instinct, but i use it in other ways, like with my pets. People give me the lecture that I'll change my mind someday too, but I know I won't. Some people just don't want kids, nor should they have to feel guilty about it.

in the OP's case... she doesn't want kids because she fears getting "fat".... it may be a legit fear but it sounds superficial. Sounds like she's looking for an excuse not to have kids. So don't. There's no shame in it.

Achrya

The husband and I have no plans to ever have children (Things could always change but at the moment we're in steadfast agreement that it's something we won't even consider for another five or more years) But that's more of a 'Neither one of us has the desire to put up with another human being' than any fears of being fat or whatever.

septembergrrl

How old are you, OP? If you're under 30, you should just relax and see how you feel in a few years. Right now you don't sound like someone who should have kids, but that won't necessarily be true for your entire life. (And if you never want them, that's totally fine too.)

Speaking for myself, I was always pretty neutral about children -- I thought they were cute but an awful lot of work. But after I got married, I really wanted to see what would happen if my husband and I smooshed our genes up. So we had kids, and I love them, and it turns out our genes make awesome people. As it happens, I didn't hold on to my baby weight, but I was fat to start with.

But I honestly think that if we'd had fertility problems, I could have lived my whole life without kids and been pretty much okay. (I know adoption exists and is awesome, but I'm not sure it would ever be the right choice for us.)

I don't know if this answers your questions or not.

CheeksBryant

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because it's not meant to be mean...I'm dead serious. The first thing, I think you need to get some help for your "issues". Then see where your feelings go from there. If you are still unsure, I would think the answer is no. When you want a child, you want one. No ifs, ands or buts about it. You need to be sure that those issues are at rest first.

batgirl_273

If you're not sure, don't have them. If you do want them but are scared of pregnancy, why not adopt?

I don't want kids either and am very against people that say it's selfish. It would be more selfish to force myself to whilst entirely mentally/emotionally/financially unprepared, just to please someone else. My mom thinks I'll change my mind. I just tell her I'm the type of person who would drown them in the bathtub. Now, I never would, but she's shocked enough that I would even say that and shuts up. Why should every person have kids?? If you don't, there's something wrong with you. But once you do, you're doing it all wrong. People are so judgmental either way.

I feel bad for LOL'ing at this. lol. But i totally relate.

EmilyRanae22

the decision to have kids is definitely a personal one. I got pregnant about a year after I got to my goal weight and I struggled throughout all the pregnancy dealing with my changing body. While I loved feeling my little baby moving around in me I wouldn't help but think about how much work I put into my body. Then I had the baby and lost most if it and have strech marks and a little mommy pooch and a beautiful baby girl! Totally worth it! I thought I would hate the stretch marks and everything but I'm a tiger and I earned my stripes!

Koldnomore

If you're not sure, don't have them. If you do want them but are scared of pregnancy, why not adopt?

I don't want kids either and am very against people that say it's selfish. It would be more selfish to force myself to whilst entirely mentally/emotionally/financially unprepared, just to please someone else. My mom thinks I'll change my mind. I just tell her I'm the type of person who would drown them in the bathtub. Now, I never would, but she's shocked enough that I would even say that and shuts up. Why should every person have kids?? If you don't, there's something wrong with you. But once you do, you're doing it all wrong. People are so judgmental either way.

I knew since I was 19 that I would never want to give birth to a child. The doctors refused to allow me to have a tubal ligation at that age because I was 'too young to know what I wanted'. I tried again at about 25, still no. I had no choice in the matter, I was denied that right to decide. Finally at 36 the doctor relented and did my surgery. I have never wanted to have kids, never.. I feel that it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world given the state of ..everything. I have probably a hundred or more reasons to never have any of my own.

Personally I think the most selfish thing you can do is have a kid to make yourself or someone else happy. Having kids IS selfish... People have them because they WANT them.. isn't that the whole definition of selfish? to do something because you want to regardless of what anyone else says, thinks etc? I feel that people who CHOOSE to not have children for whatever reason are acting in a responsible manner by NOT bringing a life into this world that they don't really want.

I got the best of both worlds actually. I never had to give birth because my boyfriend already had a son so I got to be a 'mom' without all the baggage of the actual pregnancy / birth process.

If you don't 100% unequivocally without a shadow of a doubt want children then it would be irresponsible of you to even consider having them. Leave having babies to women who LOVE being pregnant and giving birth.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I fully support people's decisions to not have children. Children are hard. Your life is very different, it's no longer just your own. Basically you have to "share" everything forever. Every decision no long just concerns you.

BUT being afraid of being "fat" is a rather odd reason. I have a better body now, after 3 children, then I've ever had.

Grendel07

You aren't alone in your reason for not having children. Personally, I AM selfish. There are things that i want to do and I know having children will hinder those things I would like to do. Like travel and not have it cost an arm and a leg. I like to buy things when I WANT to, not because I have too; like school supplies or children's clothing. And yes, I honestly dont want kids because I think it will ruin MY body. Not that there arent women whose bodies look amazing after kids... I just cant image myself being preggers. And i have a fear of blood and .... annd... i hear sometimes women poop while pushing out the kid. NO THANKS! lol
I never played with baby dolls or anything like that growing up; so i guess i didnt get that 'maternal' instinct. I always have women (mostly) be little me and say I'll have kids when i'm older since im only in my 20s still. Or that I'll regret it. How do you know? You are not me. Stop pushing how you feel onto others.

I had a coworker bring in her newborn baby and all the women in the office coo'ed over this baby and passed it around. Once this baby was in front of me; i had no idea what do it. *here play with my cell phone* Uhhhh.. i was lost. I didnt find this child cute and did not make me want one.

But at the moment, listen to yourself; here and now. Maybe one day you'll change your mind but for now stick with no kids. I personally think that you are true to yourself. Dont let ouside influcences change your mind. And if you ever still want children but dont want to get fat or however you feel your body will change - you can ALWAYS adopt a child. There are so many in need of good parents.

amwoidyla

I've had a few friend who never wanted kids, I was one myself before an accidental pregnancy at 19. I cannot wait to have another, as my son is now 6 but we are waiting for our wedding next year before trying.

I don't think I have ever met a person who had a unplanned baby and ended up regretting it. Even those who never wanted one say the couldn't imagine life without them.

I would, however, suggest working on your self esteem first if you do choose to have one.

Do you think that any one would actually come out and admit to someone that they regret having their children? I can't imagine what kind of backlash/judgement that person would receive.