Kids or no kids?

Grimmerick

Saying you need to be 100% sure is too easy don't you think? It's like a go to answer that you haven't put any thought into how it will actually work and why it won't in a world that's not perfect. being 100% sure isnt' 100%

whitebalance

If your sole reason for not wanting kids is a "fear of getting fat" then I don't see how you'll deal with other issues such as:

- your time will be devoted to raising another human
- you'll have less money
- child's needs will come before yours
- your life will change a lot
- etc.

You don't sound like you're cut out for motherhood at this point in your life.

QFT

ElBence

Here are some arguments being made in this thread that drive me nuts:

Argument: "The world is overpopulated. Don't have kids because by so doing, you're helping solve that problem."

Reality: The overpopulation concern has been voiced since the population of the world was at an estimated 190 million people, or roughly 2/3 of the current U.S. population (http://www.tertullian.org/articles/roberts_theology/roberts_05.htm). All reasonably studies indicate a population plateau around 2050 at which point many of you will be dead (http://www.realclearscience.com/articles/2011/07/20/the_world_is_not_overpopulated_106247.html).

Argument: "Kids will hold me back from what I want to do in life."

Counter argument: You don't know what you don't know. Having new experiences in life is like trying new foods. You don't know if you'll like it until you've tried. You can surmise and speculate all you want, but you'll never actually know for certain. Having kids may preclude your engagement in certain activities, yes; but you may find that the rewards of parenting far surpass those activities to the extent that they seem trivial. I always wanted to do a world wide surf trip like in the movie The Endless Summer. I probably won't get that experience because I have two kids with one on the way. I have surfed, and I have traveled to different countries to surf. I have tried the traveling surfing experience. I have tried parenting. Parenting wins out every time I play the scenario out in my head. Additionally, somebody or some bodies put their hopes and wildest wishes on hold or extinguished them all together when they decided to take a chance on you. If they had decided to pursue other options instead of raising children, you wouldn't even have goals, achievements or fun things you want to do in life. Finally, who says you can't do both. There are plenty of parents who are driven to succeed and who achieve their goals and aspirations in life, and they do it while parents or even involve their children. Shocking, I know.

Argument: "Have kids or don't. In the end, it's about choosing your happiness."

Counter: It's difficult to argue objectively against personal choice. However, personal choices for most are typically made with short to mid term goals in mind. Those who think of decisions in life long terms will see the benefits of children. While choosing happiness is an important end, you can't leave out questions like, "What happens if I develop early onset Alzheimer's at 50 and have 30 + years left?" Without kids, you're much more likely be involved in some kind of long term care with a lower standard of living. Nobody will visit you, and although you won't remember much from one day to the next, every day will be awful, miserable and unhappy.

Legitimate questions for consideration should be along the lines of whether you feel you're able to give a kid a fighting chance at becoming a productive and valuable member of society who also has a strong sense of individual worth, and can enjoy the quality of his or her life. If you are unsure of your answer, work on self development to the point that you can be sure. In other words, are you capable of raising a kid who won't be a total *kitten*, and who might have a good time on this earth? If so, you're ready for kids.

DAD RANT OVER!

EDIT: Since this is a health and fitness website, I'll add that kids are the biggest motivators/cheerleaders in the weight loss battle. I want to be around to see my kids succeed in life, and they cheer me on with every pound I lose. Just a few weeks ago, my seven-year-old and three-year-old started chanting at dinner, "DAD LOST THE FAT! DAD LOST THE FAT!" Best NSV ever!

snazzyjazzy21

I don't want kids. I have a general dislike for children, and an even stronger dislike for the idea of being pregnant.

soupandcookies

It never occurred to me, NOT to have kids. I just always assumed I'd be a mom. Maybe I should have thought about it more, but it felt natural to me. I have 3 kids now - 5, 3, and 9 months. They are the loves of my life. I was terrified of gaining weight during pregnancy, and not being able to take it off. But you know what? Having kids isn't the only thing that makes people gain weight. If I had let that hold me back, I would have sincerely regretted it. Having kids is my greatest accomplishment. That being said, it's very hard. Very. My 9 month old currently has a stomach virus, and if you were here, it would probably act as great birth control!

Personally, I'm not someone who often feels 100% sure of anything. I guess it's a fault of mine. Sometimes, we have to go with our intuition, and see where life takes us. There are plenty of people who have kids, who weren't 100% sure. It doesn't make them bad parents. I don't think there's a such thing as a perfect intention to have kids, or a such thing as a perfect parent. If you are meant to have a child, your heart will tell you, but it may not come with 100% certainty.

All that being said, not having children is a life choice, and I think it's absolutely okay. We all need to learn to accept ourselves as we are. We can't change for other people. If having children isn't for you, then so be it. You are okay, exactly as you are.

TX_RattleSnake

I need 4-5 more

soupandcookies

Here are some arguments being made in this thread that drive me nuts:

Argument: "The world is overpopulated. Don't have kids because by so doing, you're helping solve that problem."

Reality: The overpopulation concern has been voiced since the population of the world was at an estimated 190 million people, or roughly 2/3 of the current U.S. population (http://www.tertullian.org/articles/roberts_theology/roberts_05.htm). All reasonably studies indicate a population plateau around 2050 at which point many of you will be dead (http://www.realclearscience.com/articles/2011/07/20/the_world_is_not_overpopulated_106247.html).

Argument: "Kids will hold me back from what I want to do in life."

Counter argument: You don't know what you don't know. Having new experiences in life is like trying new foods. You don't know if you'll like it until you've tried. You can surmise and speculate all you want, but you'll never actually know for certain. Having kids may preclude your engagement in certain activities, yes; but you may find that the rewards of parenting far surpass those activities to the extent that they seem trivial. I always wanted to do a world wide surf trip like in the movie The Endless Summer. I probably won't get that experience because I have two kids with one on the way. I have surfed, and I have traveled to different countries to surf. I have tried the traveling surfing experience. I have tried parenting. Parenting wins out every time I play the scenario out in my head. Additionally, somebody or some bodies put their hopes and wildest wishes on hold or extinguished them all together when they decided to take a chance on you. If they had decided to pursue other options instead of raising children, you wouldn't even have goals, achievements or fun things you want to do in life. Finally, who says you can't do both. There are plenty of parents who are driven to succeed and who achieve their goals and aspirations in life, and they do it while parents or even involve their children. Shocking, I know.

Argument: "Have kids or don't. In the end, it's about choosing your happiness."

Counter: It's difficult to argue objectively against personal choice. However, personal choices for most are typically made with short to mid term goals in mind. Those who think of decisions in life long terms will see the benefits of children. While choosing happiness is an important end, you can't leave out questions like, "What happens if I develop early onset Alzheimer's at 50 and have 30 + years left?" Without kids, you're much more likely be involved in some kind of long term care with a lower standard of living. Nobody will visit you, and although you won't remember much from one day to the next, every day will be awful, miserable and unhappy.

Legitimate questions for consideration should be along the lines of whether you feel you're able to give a kid a fighting chance at becoming a productive and valuable member of society who also has a strong sense of individual worth, and can enjoy the quality of his or her life. If you are unsure of your answer, work on self development to the point that you can be sure. In other words, are you capable of raising a kid who won't be a total *kitten*, and who might have a good time on this earth? If so, you're ready for kids.

DAD RANT OVER!

EDIT: Since this is a health and fitness website, I'll add that kids are the biggest motivators/cheerleaders in the weight loss battle. I want to be around to see my kids succeed in life, and they cheer me on with every pound I lose. Just a few weeks ago, my seven-year-old and three-year-old started chanting at dinner, "DAD LOST THE FAT! DAD LOST THE FAT!" Best NSV ever!

I really like you.

pastryari

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.

I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy

Accidental pregnancy is completely different than purposely getting pregnant when unsure if a baby is even wanted.

bacitracin

I don't want kids because I'm selfish too. I like my money and time. If I wanna feel loved, I'll get a dog. Easier to potty train, dress up, and bathe. less money spent on school. Just as fun, less drama and confrontation.

michellekicks

I like kids, but I can't eat a whole one in one sitting.

nxd10

I will not say anything about what is most important to you.

I will say that after I breastfed my babies for an extended period of time, I lost weight over my pre-pregnancy weight. I am tall and my healthy weight is 150. With my eldest, I got pregnant at 165, immediately dropped to 155, gave birth at 195. By his 6 month birthday, I weighed 160. By his second birthday I weighed 145.

Same thing happened with my youngest. You do need to watch your food. But if you breastfeed it will come off. Otherwise you will have to work harder to lose the pregnancy weight. But it absolutely will come off.

My eldest is now 25. I am 150 pounds. Thinner than when I got pregnancy at 27.

ErinMLB

I think you and your significant other are the only people who know whether you should or should not have kids. Everyone else just has an opinion. Just look into your heart and think about it for a few months and you'll figure it out.

Don't let anyone pressure you to either have or not have kids, you'll wind up regretting your decisions.

Grimmerick

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.

I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy

Accidental pregnancy is completely different than purposely getting pregnant when unsure if a baby is even wanted.

okay I'll take that off the table for now and swing back around and pick it up after you tell me, what were your reasons for completely disagreeing? You skipped over that part.

breanazank

I don't personally want kids. I enjoy my sibling's and friend's children (in small doses) but I don't see myself ever having them.
Simply because I want to be able to travel when I want, pursue my career without feeling guilty of doing so, and not to mention they are so darn expensive!!! haha

On a side note to all parents/expecting parents in here: Y'all dont get enough credit! parenting is one intense, time consuming job. Kudos to you

And OG poster... don't have children.

WhiteRabbit1313

For years, I've never wanted to have kids for a very selfish reason. Yes, people call me selfish when I tell them the true reason that I don't want kids. The reason is that I'm afraid I will get fat. Even if some people worked very hard to lose their pregnancy weight, some of the still can't get rid of the belly. Every mother tells me that children are worth everything. They are the best thing ever happened to them. However, I've never experienced the joy of having kids. Yet, I only experienced the pain of being fat. Growing up, I've always been the biggest girl in my class. People called me fat in school, my mom , my cousins, my aunts, and even my neighbors felt bad for me for being fat, and told me that I needed to lose weight.
Please don't bully me if I tell you how much I weigh, because you may think I'm ridiculous. However, Asians are very critical about weight and I grew up in Aisa. I've always been around 133 lbs at 5'5. Now, at my mid 30's, I want to have kids. But I don't know...

I didn't want to have kids for several years, because I wanted to live my life and I didn't want to kill what figure I had, either. However, the decision to have kids is YOURS ALONE. You have EVERY right to be selfish. If you find that the desire to have kids is greater than your personal concerns and you think you could provide a stable, happy home for a child and YOU would LIKE to have kids, then you're ready. People have no clue what it's like to be you and shouldn't make such a life altering decision for you. It's YOUR choice, because the child will be YOUR responsibility.

ElBence

I don't want kids because I'm selfish too. I like my money and time. If I wanna feel loved, I'll get a dog. Easier to potty train, dress up, and bathe. less money spent on school. Just as fun, less drama and confrontation.

Fact: Dogs are not just as fun as kids. You can train a dog as much as you'd like, but a dog will never tell guests, "Guess what. My dad has a HUGE pee-pee." Your three year old son will.

itsjustdawn

NO KIDS! Mine are all selfish reasons, gaining more weight is one of them. But I simply do not have the patience to deal with kids. And I like my ME time. And doing things whenever I want. And not having to lug around kids and their stuff. I will gladly hang out with my friends' kids. Half of my Facebook profile pics are of me with someone else's kid. And what's even better is that my mom is perfectly fine with not having grandkids. Neither of my siblings are on the kid path either, although my sister will probably have at least 1 at some point.

StheK

It's totally ok not to want kids. There is no "right" decision here, and no "good" or "bad" reasons for feeling whichever way you do about it. Don't have kids if you either don't want them (regardless of your reasons) or aren't sure if you want them (reason is also unimportant here). Have them if you not only want them, but think you can make them the focus of your attention and the reason for all your decisions going forward.

Bottom line is that it's totally up to you. I can't tell who is more miserable- people who want kids and can't have them, or people who have kids and don't want them. Do what is best for you- and remember that if you choose to have kids, this might be the last "for you" decision you make for a very long time!

pastryari

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.

I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy

Accidental pregnancy is completely different than purposely getting pregnant when unsure if a baby is even wanted.

okay I'll take that off the table for now and swing back around and pick it up after you tell me, what were your reasons for completely disagreeing? You skipped over that part.

I'm working, my answers will be short.

I believe that you should be 100% sure before deciding to purposefully bring a human being into this world. If something like getting fat (which is what OP is concerned about here) matters enough to make you unsure, then I don't believe that person should have children.

missomgitsica

If you really, truly wanted children, the potential bodily side effects would be a non issue for you. Simple as that.