Kids or no kids?

batgirl_273

I don't think I'll ever want kids. I love kids....as long as I can return them to their parents at the end of the day! I am selfish as well, I want to be able to get up and go out whenever I want without having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds pretty selfish, I know. Better to admit that than to have children and be an irresponsible parent. A lot of people tell me that I'll change my mind when I get older, but I don't really see that happening.

If you're not sure....maybe you should keep waiting.

this is not selfish at all. Where is it a written law that you HAVE to have kids? I'm almost 30 and I don't want kids either, for the same reasons you mentioned. Just because I'm a woman, I shouldn't have to have kids, or want to have kids. I may have that "maternal" instinct, but i use it in other ways, like with my pets. People give me the lecture that I'll change my mind someday too, but I know I won't. Some people just don't want kids, nor should they have to feel guilty about it.

in the OP's case... she doesn't want kids because she fears getting "fat".... it may be a legit fear but it sounds superficial. Sounds like she's looking for an excuse not to have kids. So don't. There's no shame in it.

Achrya

The husband and I have no plans to ever have children (Things could always change but at the moment we're in steadfast agreement that it's something we won't even consider for another five or more years) But that's more of a 'Neither one of us has the desire to put up with another human being' than any fears of being fat or whatever.

septembergrrl

How old are you, OP? If you're under 30, you should just relax and see how you feel in a few years. Right now you don't sound like someone who should have kids, but that won't necessarily be true for your entire life. (And if you never want them, that's totally fine too.)

Speaking for myself, I was always pretty neutral about children -- I thought they were cute but an awful lot of work. But after I got married, I really wanted to see what would happen if my husband and I smooshed our genes up. So we had kids, and I love them, and it turns out our genes make awesome people. As it happens, I didn't hold on to my baby weight, but I was fat to start with.

But I honestly think that if we'd had fertility problems, I could have lived my whole life without kids and been pretty much okay. (I know adoption exists and is awesome, but I'm not sure it would ever be the right choice for us.)

I don't know if this answers your questions or not.

CheeksBryant

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because it's not meant to be mean...I'm dead serious. The first thing, I think you need to get some help for your "issues". Then see where your feelings go from there. If you are still unsure, I would think the answer is no. When you want a child, you want one. No ifs, ands or buts about it. You need to be sure that those issues are at rest first.

batgirl_273

If you're not sure, don't have them. If you do want them but are scared of pregnancy, why not adopt?

I don't want kids either and am very against people that say it's selfish. It would be more selfish to force myself to whilst entirely mentally/emotionally/financially unprepared, just to please someone else. My mom thinks I'll change my mind. I just tell her I'm the type of person who would drown them in the bathtub. Now, I never would, but she's shocked enough that I would even say that and shuts up. Why should every person have kids?? If you don't, there's something wrong with you. But once you do, you're doing it all wrong. People are so judgmental either way.

I feel bad for LOL'ing at this. lol. But i totally relate.

EmilyRanae22

the decision to have kids is definitely a personal one. I got pregnant about a year after I got to my goal weight and I struggled throughout all the pregnancy dealing with my changing body. While I loved feeling my little baby moving around in me I wouldn't help but think about how much work I put into my body. Then I had the baby and lost most if it and have strech marks and a little mommy pooch and a beautiful baby girl! Totally worth it! I thought I would hate the stretch marks and everything but I'm a tiger and I earned my stripes!

Koldnomore

If you're not sure, don't have them. If you do want them but are scared of pregnancy, why not adopt?

I don't want kids either and am very against people that say it's selfish. It would be more selfish to force myself to whilst entirely mentally/emotionally/financially unprepared, just to please someone else. My mom thinks I'll change my mind. I just tell her I'm the type of person who would drown them in the bathtub. Now, I never would, but she's shocked enough that I would even say that and shuts up. Why should every person have kids?? If you don't, there's something wrong with you. But once you do, you're doing it all wrong. People are so judgmental either way.

I knew since I was 19 that I would never want to give birth to a child. The doctors refused to allow me to have a tubal ligation at that age because I was 'too young to know what I wanted'. I tried again at about 25, still no. I had no choice in the matter, I was denied that right to decide. Finally at 36 the doctor relented and did my surgery. I have never wanted to have kids, never.. I feel that it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world given the state of ..everything. I have probably a hundred or more reasons to never have any of my own.

Personally I think the most selfish thing you can do is have a kid to make yourself or someone else happy. Having kids IS selfish... People have them because they WANT them.. isn't that the whole definition of selfish? to do something because you want to regardless of what anyone else says, thinks etc? I feel that people who CHOOSE to not have children for whatever reason are acting in a responsible manner by NOT bringing a life into this world that they don't really want.

I got the best of both worlds actually. I never had to give birth because my boyfriend already had a son so I got to be a 'mom' without all the baggage of the actual pregnancy / birth process.

If you don't 100% unequivocally without a shadow of a doubt want children then it would be irresponsible of you to even consider having them. Leave having babies to women who LOVE being pregnant and giving birth.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I fully support people's decisions to not have children. Children are hard. Your life is very different, it's no longer just your own. Basically you have to "share" everything forever. Every decision no long just concerns you.

BUT being afraid of being "fat" is a rather odd reason. I have a better body now, after 3 children, then I've ever had.

Grendel07

You aren't alone in your reason for not having children. Personally, I AM selfish. There are things that i want to do and I know having children will hinder those things I would like to do. Like travel and not have it cost an arm and a leg. I like to buy things when I WANT to, not because I have too; like school supplies or children's clothing. And yes, I honestly dont want kids because I think it will ruin MY body. Not that there arent women whose bodies look amazing after kids... I just cant image myself being preggers. And i have a fear of blood and .... annd... i hear sometimes women poop while pushing out the kid. NO THANKS! lol
I never played with baby dolls or anything like that growing up; so i guess i didnt get that 'maternal' instinct. I always have women (mostly) be little me and say I'll have kids when i'm older since im only in my 20s still. Or that I'll regret it. How do you know? You are not me. Stop pushing how you feel onto others.

I had a coworker bring in her newborn baby and all the women in the office coo'ed over this baby and passed it around. Once this baby was in front of me; i had no idea what do it. *here play with my cell phone* Uhhhh.. i was lost. I didnt find this child cute and did not make me want one.

But at the moment, listen to yourself; here and now. Maybe one day you'll change your mind but for now stick with no kids. I personally think that you are true to yourself. Dont let ouside influcences change your mind. And if you ever still want children but dont want to get fat or however you feel your body will change - you can ALWAYS adopt a child. There are so many in need of good parents.

amwoidyla

I've had a few friend who never wanted kids, I was one myself before an accidental pregnancy at 19. I cannot wait to have another, as my son is now 6 but we are waiting for our wedding next year before trying.

I don't think I have ever met a person who had a unplanned baby and ended up regretting it. Even those who never wanted one say the couldn't imagine life without them.

I would, however, suggest working on your self esteem first if you do choose to have one.

Do you think that any one would actually come out and admit to someone that they regret having their children? I can't imagine what kind of backlash/judgement that person would receive.

spatulathumbs

Some women bounce back, and some don't. If that's your primary concern right now, then it's a valid one. Pregnancy changes your body in ways that nobody can predict, and yeah, it can be scary to surrender that control. Pregnancy is difficult--hell, even conceiving is difficult for many women. Labor is hard. That's why they call it labor. And the near-overwhelming burden of being financially, ethically, emotionally and morally responsible for an impressionable new life form for the next 18+ years sort of makes me want to launch my uterus directly into the sun. Compared to that, I'll take the stretch marks.

Our society presents an image of idealized motherhood. It tells women that they're not "real" women unless they have three perfectly-groomed kids, and the body of a Brazilian fitness model ten minutes after giving birth. Even though we know it's not the truth we still internalize it. If you're not comfortable with having kids, for whatever reason, then please don't. Don't have them to satisfy someone else's idea of what you should be as a human being. Focus on your own self first, take the time you need to be focused and centered, before introducing a new and vulnerable life to the equation--or ever introducing it.

You may change your mind, but you may not. And either way, the deeper issue here is your relationship with your body, and with your mother's expectations. Learn to take excellent care of yourself. Eat good food, exercise moderately, get lots of sleep and take time to relax when you need it. Be selfish--it's ok to put yourself first. And if you have the desire to nurture a child, see if you can get involved with a local reading mentoring program, volunteer in a nursery at a place of worship (if applicable) or a community center. If you are dating or married, make sure you're with a supportive, steady, and devoted partner, and that you work together as a team. And remember that eventually, we'll all get old and saggy and horrible looking, so decide how you want to live your life before you get to that point.

Chellebear01

Not wanting kids is not selfish. It simply means you do not want kids.. Only you can decide if having kids is the right thing for you. I do however think if you are questioning if you wan them you may be changing your mind, that being said if you are considering stop and decide why you are rethinking the no kids stance. Is it because you feel pressured or have you found the perfect partner to raise a family with? If you found your partner then together decide if biological children are desired or if adoption is an option. If you are simply feeling pressured I would put off making that choice.

Remember only you can decide if having or adopting children is the right decision for you,

rml_16

Every mother tells me that children are worth everything. They are the best thing ever happened to them. However, I've never experienced the joy of having kids.

I love my daughter and I wouldn't wish her away, but I would have had a perfectly happy, fulfilling life without her. Not every mother feels that way.

JDMarlowe

I dont think that is a selfish reason at all. You worked hard for the health you have obtained. That doesn't make you a bad person. I would think, if i were a woman, and lost the weight that I did, I dont think I would want to get pregnant either and reverse my progress. You just have to choose what you want more in life. The CHANCE that you may not get your current figure back or not getting pregnant. But if you truly want kids, there are other options to having kids without getting pregnant. Thousands of babies and kids out there need homes. My wife and I just adopted a baby girl in Feb of this year after trying 10 years to have one of our own, and I know I couldnt love her anymore even if she was my own flesh and blood.
But, if you are unsure if you want kids at all, wait. Never just "wing it" and put everyones happiness at risk. A child doesnt ask to be born into this world, so they shouldnt be made to feel unwanted by anymeans.

So_Much_Fab

If your sole reason for not wanting kids is a "fear of getting fat" then I don't see how you'll deal with other issues such as:

- your time will be devoted to raising another human
- you'll have less money
- child's needs will come before yours
- your life will change a lot
- etc.

You don't sound like you're cut out for motherhood at this point in your life.

NoAdditives

I'm 5'5. I was very healthy at your weight.

That said, having kids does not make you fat more than anything else can make you fat. It's all about how you take care of yourself before, during, and after pregnancy. If you want kids, go for it. If you don't, that's not selfish.

pastryari

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

kr1stadee

It's not selfish. To me, the reasoning is a little strange, but everyone has their own reasons for everything.
You'll be judged regardless of what you do. Don't have kids? You're selfish. Have 1 child? You're depriving them of a sibling. Have 2 children? When's the next, because 3's easier than 2! ...

Do what you want. If you want to wait and see if you actually DO what to give birth, wait! If you want a child but not the pregnancy (I can relate, I had 2 nearly 10 pound babies, I was overweight as it is, and my pregnancies were very rough), look into adoption.

Do you know anyone with an infant? Babysit for 4 hours. You'll know for sure then!

obum88

Kids didnt make me fat, stuffing my face and using pregnancy and breastfeeding as an excuse did.

bcattoes

I've had a few friend who never wanted kids, I was one myself before an accidental pregnancy at 19. I cannot wait to have another, as my son is now 6 but we are waiting for our wedding next year before trying.

I don't think I have ever met a person who had a unplanned baby and ended up regretting it. Even those who never wanted one say the couldn't imagine life without them.

I would, however, suggest working on your self esteem first if you do choose to have one.

Do you think that any one would actually come out and admit to someone that they regret having their children? I can't imagine what kind of backlash/judgement that person would receive.

I know a couple of people who have expressed this sentiment. They love their children, but still admit that they think they would have been happier if they'd never had them.

Actually, if you count the men who are divorced and having to pay lots of money for kids they rarely get to see, I know more than a couple who say this.