my husband isn't supportive...
Replies
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To everyone that was supportive and encouraging and gave real advice, Thank you. I really appreciate it and it helps. I'll just ignore him from now on and focus on myself.
I cook all the meals and he eats what I cook or he doesn't eat or makes himself something.. And he actually likes eating healthy.. And he's 150-160 (goes back and forth) and 6'1". He actually needs to gain some muscle... And he said if I get skinny then he feels that he'd have to actually work on himself.
He also said that if I got skinny/lostweight/stuck with it... that it'd motivate him to gain weight and muscle.. but then adds in all the negative comments too.0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.0 -
I see this so much on this site, So many insecure husbands afraid they're going to lose their wives once they lose weight.
Just stick with it, see if it motivates him to start getting into the gym too, but also tell him to act like a man instead of bullying his wife.0 -
My DH is also 27.. someone asked.0
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My boyfriend is the same way. I have just started not telling him about it and I just exercise. And when he wants me to do something when I need to exercise, I just explain that I'm going to exercise and he'll need to do whatever it is. I told him if I slip up I could end up not doing it at all. He's coming around. Yours will too.
Just keep proving to yourself that you can do it. Don't look for him for support. He'll come around when he decides to stop being an asshat.
Feel free to add me.
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Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.
That's not what she said, that's how you interpreted what she said.
She actually said his words weren't tactful (Implying she doesn't think he should have said what he said the way he said it) but understandable (She can see where he'd feel that way.) None of that equals her saying that 'if you see a pattern of failure you should call out the fact they will likely fail again".
You made a very serious leap in order to judge what was actually a very unoffensive post, when compared to all the "Abuse! Asshat! C^&%!' comments because you didn't like that someone might actually look at it from another point of view.0 -
That's abuse in my book. Use his negativity as fuel, and get your revenge by getting your body back! Don't let it hurt you, just prove to him that he's an *kitten*!!!
I'm three pages behind and trying to catch up.
Meanwhile, can someone please let me know if anyone has called the authorities for her yet?
I don't want a full spoiler on where this thread is going...
...but maybe just a clue. MFP has a tendency to overreact to some things...(meh, *all* things)...and I'm just curious where this one ends up.
ETA: Right on cue:Are you serious? SMH.........Go get drunk and act dumb with her husband.
Oh, MFP. Never change.
Never.
Change.0 -
Your profile says you've been married 5 years and have always been a big girl. Do you have a history of good intentions to lose weight that fall to the wayside after a while? If so, while his words aren't the most tactful, they are somewhat understandable.
Are you serious? SMH.........Go get drunk and act dumb with her husband.
Wow. So do you always get so defensive and aggressive when someone else presents a different point of view on a situation?
No I get aggressive when I see someone on a support site adding on to the negativity/abuse. I guess we all have different definitions of abuse. To each their own. I'm just glad I don't live that way.
Cadori was not in the least abusive. She presented a different take on the situation and maybe you should just read what was written instead of imagining how you think she was coming at the OP.
Regardless, Cadori's point IS valid and I for one agree with it. But even if I didn't, I can understand where she is coming from and appreciate differences in opinions and points of view.
100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.0 -
100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
~sigh~
I said the words were thoughtless, not tactful, not something I would say. I was asking for clarification to see if there was maybe another explanation before jumping on the abuse wagon with my pitchfork.0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.
That's not what she said, that's how you interpreted what she said.
She actually said his words weren't tactful (Implying she doesn't think he should have said what he said the way he said it) but understandable (She can see where he'd feel that way.) None of that equals her saying that 'if you see a pattern of failure you should call out the fact they will likely fail again".
You made a very serious leap in order to judge what was actually a very unoffensive post, when compared to all the "Abuse! Asshat! C^&%!' comments because you didn't like that someone might actually look at it from another point of view.
Maybe just I'm married to a man that would never speak to me that way and I just don't "get" it.........0 -
With that I'm out. Good luck OP. :flowerforyou:0
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so he's now a Middle-Aged Man in Lycra
Clearly this is a cautionary tale.
Thank you for your wisdom. :drinker:0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.
That's not what she said, that's how you interpreted what she said.
She actually said his words weren't tactful (Implying she doesn't think he should have said what he said the way he said it) but understandable (She can see where he'd feel that way.) None of that equals her saying that 'if you see a pattern of failure you should call out the fact they will likely fail again".
You made a very serious leap in order to judge what was actually a very unoffensive post, when compared to all the "Abuse! Asshat! C^&%!' comments because you didn't like that someone might actually look at it from another point of view.
Maybe just I'm married to a man that would never speak to me that way and I just don't "get" it.........
Meaningful relationship advice requires empathy which requires thinking outside of your own personal situation and "getting" it...or at least seeing how they could possibly feel in their circumstances. If you can't do that, then you might want to temper the conviction of your advice and your condemnation of others' advice.0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.
That's not what she said, that's how you interpreted what she said.
She actually said his words weren't tactful (Implying she doesn't think he should have said what he said the way he said it) but understandable (She can see where he'd feel that way.) None of that equals her saying that 'if you see a pattern of failure you should call out the fact they will likely fail again".
You made a very serious leap in order to judge what was actually a very unoffensive post, when compared to all the "Abuse! Asshat! C^&%!' comments because you didn't like that someone might actually look at it from another point of view.
Maybe just I'm married to a man that would never speak to me that way and I just don't "get" it.........
I once asked my husband if I was getting fat. He told me yes.
That remains the nicest most considerate thing he's ever told me. He could have said no and blown smoke up my bum to protect my precious feelings. Instead he told me the truth and I appreciate that.0 -
100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.
OK then, that is why I was asking for clarification. When you joined MFP in July, was weight loss not your goal?
Is he supportive of other endeavors you take on? Have you started on any long term goal related plan that he has been less than supportive before? College, business, lessons, anything involving your kids where he reacted negatively?0 -
Based on a couple of responses here, maybe every time my husband's ex wife tries to get sober we should remind her how she failed all the other times?
No, but you should approach the situation with caution and not get too invested in her appearent success because there is a high chance of failure.
I have an aunt who's a drug addict and she used to come around, claiming she was going to get clean, every few months. We'd let her back into our lives, let her back into her daughter's life, get all of our hopes up...and then she'd vanish, usually with the contents of someone's home disappearing right along with her. Not to mention breaking the hearts of everyone around her. Again.
So now if she pops up she gets "That's great Mona, we hope it works out." and she certainly can't stay at anyone's house anymore.
How does that relate to losing weight at all? I've never hopped on some fads. I've never taken diet pills. I've never once tried to lose weight in our marriage....
If anything, HE'S the one that says he's going to do something and falls back on it.
IDK, how did that woman's husband's alcoholic ex relate?
Because she was saying if you see a pattern then you should call out the fact that they will likely fail again. BS.
That's not what she said, that's how you interpreted what she said.
She actually said his words weren't tactful (Implying she doesn't think he should have said what he said the way he said it) but understandable (She can see where he'd feel that way.) None of that equals her saying that 'if you see a pattern of failure you should call out the fact they will likely fail again".
You made a very serious leap in order to judge what was actually a very unoffensive post, when compared to all the "Abuse! Asshat! C^&%!' comments because you didn't like that someone might actually look at it from another point of view.
Maybe just I'm married to a man that would never speak to me that way and I just don't "get" it.........
I am too. My husband is the kindest man I know and has never said a harsh thing to me. We've disagreed on things, of course, but he's never said anything unkind to me. The OP's husband's reaction is not one I would experience. I'm still not going to jump to abuse as my default diagnosis of the situation.0 -
The quoting is killing me....0
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100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.
OK then, that is why I was asking for clarification. When you joined MFP in July, was weight loss not your goal?
Is he supportive of other endeavors you take on? Have you started on any long term goal related plan that he has been less than supportive before? College, business, lessons, anything involving your kids where he reacted negatively?
I joined because my friend told me it was good to track your calories and possibly lose weight. I tracked for one day and never again till now. He never even knew about it.
And, No. I've seriously never tried anything and quit. Ever in our marriage.. That he knows about at least.. and that i can think of.
In fact, I supported us alone for 6 months with my home business that we both agreed that since he's making money I should stop. And it's been good.0 -
The quoting is killing me....
~bang~ You're dead. In a forum. Where quoting is a regular event.
Whoops I came back.0 -
100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.
OK then, that is why I was asking for clarification. When you joined MFP in July, was weight loss not your goal?
Is he supportive of other endeavors you take on? Have you started on any long term goal related plan that he has been less than supportive before? College, business, lessons, anything involving your kids where he reacted negatively?
I joined because my friend told me it was good to track your calories and possibly lose weight. I tracked for one day and never again till now. He never even knew about it.
And, No. I've seriously never tried anything and quit. Ever in our marriage.. That he knows about at least.. and that i can think of.
In fact, I supported us alone for 6 months with my home business that we both agreed that since he's making money I should stop. And it's been good.
That's wonderful!
Then since there isn't a history of starting/failing or a history of disparaging remarks on your endeavors (such as your home business) I would view this as a one time thing. Something thoughtless said. Something that hurt you, yes, but not abuse.
In your shoes I would say "You know, I'm really committed to this and it hurt my feelings when you said you didn't think I would stick to this. It's going to be one of the hardest things I do in my life and take a long time with some slips along the way and since I love you I would love your support." Or you know, a more informal, realistic version with some tears and a little kissing at the end.0 -
The quoting is killing me....
They can get tedious. Once you hit 16 or so though...it turns into this oddly beautiful, double helix of commentary. :laugh:0 -
"I'm assuming that your negative attitude toward my attempts at losing weight means you are no longer interested in sex. That's unfortunate, but I'll support you in that decision. Militantly."
That oughtta clear up a few things...0 -
They can get tedious. Once you hit 16 or so though...it turns into this oddly beautiful, double helix of commentary. :laugh:~bang~ You're dead. In a forum. Where quoting is a regular event.
Whoops I came back.
Touche.:drinker:0 -
:laugh:"I'm assuming that your negative attitude toward my attempts at losing weight means you are no longer interested in sex. That's unfortunate, but I'll support you in that decision. Militantly."
That oughtta clear up a few things...0 -
Your profile says you've been married 5 years and have always been a big girl. Do you have a history of good intentions to lose weight that fall to the wayside after a while? If so, while his words aren't the most tactful, they are somewhat understandable.
Are you serious? SMH.........Go get drunk and act dumb with her husband.
Are we here to give her helpful advice, or just to prop up every idea she ever has no matter what?
Be an honest person first, and don't pander. Unless the OP says 'lie to me and make me feel good about myself no matter what' I think we should assume she wants what we perceive to be the truth.
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One thing I forgot to ask is if you are short on $$. If you are, I can respect him feeling that the gym is a waste of money, since one isn't really needed to get in shape. It took me a long time before we were financially stable enough to get a gym membership, despite wanting one for years. If you got a membership over his protests, he may be disgruntled and taking it out on the whole experience rather than addressing the real issue.0
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100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.
OK then, that is why I was asking for clarification. When you joined MFP in July, was weight loss not your goal?
Is he supportive of other endeavors you take on? Have you started on any long term goal related plan that he has been less than supportive before? College, business, lessons, anything involving your kids where he reacted negatively?
I joined because my friend told me it was good to track your calories and possibly lose weight. I tracked for one day and never again till now. He never even knew about it.
And, No. I've seriously never tried anything and quit. Ever in our marriage.. That he knows about at least.. and that i can think of.
In fact, I supported us alone for 6 months with my home business that we both agreed that since he's making money I should stop. And it's been good.
That's wonderful!
Then since there isn't a history of starting/failing or a history of disparaging remarks on your endeavors (such as your home business) I would view this as a one time thing. Something thoughtless said. Something that hurt you, yes, but not abuse.
In your shoes I would say "You know, I'm really committed to this and it hurt my feelings when you said you didn't think I would stick to this. It's going to be one of the hardest things I do in my life and take a long time with some slips along the way and since I love you I would love your support." Or you know, a more informal, realistic version with some tears and a little kissing at the end.
^^^ This is solid advice.
I've been married for 20 years now, and married my husband when we were 20. He's a wonderful, kind man. However, at times he lacks tact and certain social graces. Early on, especially, he said some thoughtless things that hurt. We talked, I realized that I had overreacted to something that he said without thinking and he realized that sometimes it's good to think before you speak (I'm guilty of this as well), and all was well. It happens.0 -
^^^ This is solid advice.
I've been married for 20 years now, and married my husband when we were 20. He's a wonderful, kind man. However, at times he lacks tact and certain social graces. Early on, especially, he said some thoughtless things that hurt. We talked, I realized that I had overreacted to something that he said without thinking and he realized that sometimes it's good to think before you speak (I'm guilty of this as well), and all was well. It happens.
If it was a 1 time thing I'd shrug it off... but he's said it multiple times on different days.0 -
OP:
Each of us only have control of ourselves and no one else. You have control of your body. You cannot control what comes out of his mouth.
As others have said, I think I probably wouldn't discuss my lifestyle change. I don't have to discuss what color drawers I decide to wear, right? Why do I have to discuss what I plan to eat today? :happy:
If I were you, and he happened to have another bout of verbal diahrreah, i'd calmly say something to the effect of, "that's unkind and hurtful."
And then I'd grab my big old bottle of water and walk off my frustrations!!!
Kick that old lifestyle right in the *kitten*!!! You can do it!!0
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