my husband isn't supportive...
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You're right! He's abusive and you deserve sooooooo much better! OMG. I can't believe you've put up with his worthless self for so long. Call a divorce attorney RIGHT NOW!!!!!
This crap is exactly what you want to hear, isn't it.
No, That's the exact opposite. I wanted to vent.
married christian women do not vent. Venting is not honourable conduct. Do you want your husband to vent about you?
Go see your pastor. Ask him to clarify what I am saying to you.0 -
To everyone that was supportive and encouraging and gave real advice, Thank you. I really appreciate it and it helps. I'll just ignore him from now on and focus on myself.
I cook all the meals and he eats what I cook or he doesn't eat or makes himself something.. And he actually likes eating healthy.. And he's 150-160 (goes back and forth) and 6'1". He actually needs to gain some muscle... And he said if I get skinny then he feels that he'd have to actually work on himself.
He also said that if I got skinny/lostweight/stuck with it... that it'd motivate him to gain weight and muscle.. but then adds in all the negative comments too.
You know, I would just ignore him and his comments and do it for YOU. I am hoping that he will come around for you and be the support that you expect him to be.
My husband and I had "loud discussions" when I was at the gym a lot and when we finally talked about it, he didn't like that I was spending that much time away from him. I got it but I told him that I have to take care of my health. I don't bug him about his unhealthy habits. He bought me a digital scale to help me weigh my food. And I overheard him tell some co-workers how hard I have been working to lose weight and how proud he was of me. I was so surprised because he never told me any of those things.
I think that it is great that you are already cooking healthy meals and wanting to improve your fitness levels is awesome.
Thanks girl! I subbed ground turkey for beef and he agreed that it actually tasted better!0 -
I do not go to church. Venting is normal human behavior.You're right! He's abusive and you deserve sooooooo much better! OMG. I can't believe you've put up with his worthless self for so long. Call a divorce attorney RIGHT NOW!!!!!
This crap is exactly what you want to hear, isn't it.
No, That's the exact opposite. I wanted to vent.
married christian women do not vent. Venting is not honourable conduct. Do you want your husband to vent about you?
Go see your pastor. Ask him to clarify what I am saying to you.0 -
so do it without him. You are really the only one who can do this depending on others will only let you down.
Just go do it you can and will if you are determined 0 -
The quoting is killing me....
They can get tedious. Once you hit 16 or so though...it turns into this oddly beautiful, double helix of commentary. :laugh:
Great line! I'll have to remember that one! omg. You're killing me!0 -
You're right! He's abusive and you deserve sooooooo much better! OMG. I can't believe you've put up with his worthless self for so long. Call a divorce attorney RIGHT NOW!!!!!
This crap is exactly what you want to hear, isn't it.
No, That's the exact opposite. I wanted to vent.
married christian women do not vent. Venting is not honourable conduct. Do you want your husband to vent about you?
Go see your pastor. Ask him to clarify what I am saying to you.
that's total bs yes they do and if it helps them then good not sure how religion should matter0 -
How much support were you hoping for by the 4 day mark, exactly? If you want him to take you seriously then behave seriously and put the work in. Getting upset 4 days in because he isn't acting like you've done something amazing isn't the sort of behavior that is going to garner his support or his seriousness.
Yeah yeah, I know. So mean, not supportive, go get drunk with her husband.
The fact that someone that weighs TWICE what they should returns to the gym after every inch of their body is in pain is amazing. Let alone 4 days. I'm super proud of myself and through the pain I feel SO much better. 4 days is amazing. It takes 21 days to create a habit, So every single one of those days counts and matters!! I've NEVER been to the gym ONCE in our entire marriage. He has no reason to doubt me at all.
My husband should support me from DAY ONE. And so should everyone else. I shouldn't have to "prove myself" to my husband for him to support me.
Your husband is a person. There isn't a "should" or "shouldn't". I would consider talking this out with him versus strangers on the internet. Maybe look into counseling if things don't get resolved the way you think they should be.
Finally seeing this response. I really don't understand all these man-bashing threads on this site. If I had a nickel for everytime somebody posted a thread to bash their husband for their perceived wrongs, I would be rich.
For everyone claiming abuse, we only have one side of the story. We don't know all the facts. Perhaps as others have suggested, the OP may have a history of starting grand projects and not following through. Maybe the OP and her spouse are in deep financial stress, and he is freaked out by the cost of a gym membership. Maybe communication is not a strong suit in their relationship (which could be because instead of communicating with the source of her problem, the OP is out here bashing her husband and dragging him through the public eye by airing their dirty laundry - Talk about abusive), and she misread what he said because she is sensitive.
No! This site is always too quick to jump on the husband bashing wagon. :grumble: That's the problem with the world. Too many people want to ascribe motive where they have no information.0 -
http://www.healthyconfidentandsexy.com/2/post/2013/08/do-you-unconsciously-make-excuses.html < This article discusses excuses. You can do this.0
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Finally seeing this response. I really don't understand all these man-bashing threads on this site. If I had a nickel for everytime somebody posted a thread to bash their husband for their perceived wrongs, I would be rich.
For everyone claiming abuse, we only have one side of the story. We don't know all the facts. Perhaps as others have suggested, the OP may have a history of starting grand projects and not following through. Maybe the OP and her spouse are in deep financial stress, and he is freaked out by the cost of a gym membership. Maybe communication is not a strong suit in their relationship (which could be because instead of communicating with the source of her problem, the OP is out here bashing her husband and dragging him through the public eye by airing their dirty laundry - Talk about abusive), and she misread what he said because she is sensitive.
No! This site is always too quick to jump on the husband bashing wagon. :grumble: That's the problem with the world. Too many people want to ascribe motive where they have no information.
My husband pays no bills. Has no worries. As long as he is able to swipe a card and get a random redbull he's fine.
I've never started a "diet" or weight loss journey in our marriage.
And we're perfectly fine in our communication besides this.
This is private. You don't know who I am.. Where I live.. My friends.. My family.. Or my husband. I guess I should be pissed at him for venting about me to his buddies at school. He told me he was crap talking me and told his buddies what I said he said in the OP and he said that THEY felt the opposite and that he should be more supportive. I'm not mad he was venting about me to people I actually KNOW and SEE almost daily. If you keep stuff bottled up you're bound to cause problems within your marriage.
edit:
What I'm trying to say is, His behavior is ABNORMAL for our marriage. I was given advice.. which will actually help. Because my reponse next time he says that was to go off on him. Now, After this thread I'll be ignoring him and considering him insecure or thinking he's motivating me.0 -
http://www.healthyconfidentandsexy.com/2/post/2013/08/do-you-unconsciously-make-excuses.html < This article discusses excuses. You can do this.
Thanks! I'll totally be subbing that to read tonight!0 -
Thanks for the real advice from everyone that gave it. Thought this was chit-chat.. Just wanted to vent.. Didn't know I'd end up getting made fun of.
Good grief. Who made fun of you?
I didn't see it happen anywhere.
Nobody did but the OP. Which makes me think she's sensitive, and may have twisted something her DH said as well.0 -
Nobody did but the OP. Which makes me think she's sensitive, and may have twisted something her DH said as well.
How do you twist this?
Me: I'm going to run to walmart, I really prefer those tight pants to loose ones at the gym.
him: Why waste the money, You're always going to be fat.. I give this "gym thing" a week.
Literally a direct quote. Nice before this.. and he was nice after this...0 -
. I'm mentioning small stuff that makes him blow up.
*snip*
Either way, I'm not back stabbing him. I'd say all of this to his face.
Then do it. Don't come to a bunch of strangers and degrade him. Ask him why the stuff you are doing is making him blow up. Tell him how you feel not us. He's supposed to be your best friend you said. You should be talking with him about this stuff, and working it through. It won't get better if you keep repeating the negative to us, and building it up and reinforcing it in your head, and he may not have a clue you are even upset about it.0 -
Nobody did but the OP. Which makes me think she's sensitive, and may have twisted something her DH said as well.
How do you twist this?
Me: I'm going to run to walmart, I really prefer those tight pants to loose ones at the gym.
him: Why waste the money, You're always going to be fat.. I give this "gym thing" a week.
Literally a direct quote. Nice before this.. and he was nice after this...
This is what I was talking about in my original post. You have all the details, and we do not. We only get the little bits and pieces you let escape into our knowledge. Therefore, none of us should be jumping out and calling your DH an abusive alcoholic sop. Every time someone presents something to take a different perspective, you release just enough additional information to make your point legit. You can't get angry when you hold all the information and piecemeal it to us as we try to figure out what's going on.
That's behavior that either shows you were just looking for someone to validate the opinion you already had, or that you are backtracking and trying to save face.0 -
Nobody did but the OP. Which makes me think she's sensitive, and may have twisted something her DH said as well.
How do you twist this?
Me: I'm going to run to walmart, I really prefer those tight pants to loose ones at the gym.
him: Why waste the money, You're always going to be fat.. I give this "gym thing" a week.
Literally a direct quote. Nice before this.. and he was nice after this...
Wow! That does sound harsh! Ummmm. just a guess, and especially since everything else with the two of you is good, my guess is that it is something that you are doing without him and he resents the time you are away from him.
Also, and this is my point of view as someone who has been going to gyms for years is that many people join the gym with good intentions and don't last, esp. after the first of the year and gym instructors know that. In fact, one of my personal trainers was complaining about the gym being so packed, and then he told me that it is going to look a lot different in March. Going to the gym and working out, lifting weights IS difficult...it takes a certain kind of commitment. That being said, a lot of people quit the gym after a couple of months....life stuff gets in the way. Maybe your husband is making comments like that based on his experience with knowing about others who have quit the gym.
just throwing this idea out there since no one else has.
and I honestly don't think that venting is a bad thing. We all do it.0 -
You don't need him to know you are determined. You need him to know that you don't like being talked down to, and that you will not tolerate it. I'm *not* saying "break up," and I'm not saying the relationship isn't a two way street; we know very little about it except what you said in this post. Let him know you don't appreciate being put down. If you are putting him down or being negative to him too, stop it and ask him if the two of you can work on that together.
I told him that he needs to support me or I'll drop 160# real fast.
He just laughs and says he's just stating facts. Our marriage is typical and "fine" otherwise. Normal kinks and bumps.
Day one of working out he said "if you lose the weight then I'll have to worry about how I look and act. (Act as in drinking and being a **** when he's drunk)
Well, he's being an *kitten*. Let him be an *kitten* and continue to work on you. It's not your fault he has insecurity issues and doesn't want you to better yourself.
REMEMBER, DO IT FOR YOU 0 -
I'm actually going while he's at school so we're not even missing each other. I juts vented and was hoping on getting insight. Like I said the next time he said something I was just going to go off on him.. but after this thread I'm just going to ignore him. I think it is him having issues with himself.. and nothing really to do with me.Nobody did but the OP. Which makes me think she's sensitive, and may have twisted something her DH said as well.
How do you twist this?
Me: I'm going to run to walmart, I really prefer those tight pants to loose ones at the gym.
him: Why waste the money, You're always going to be fat.. I give this "gym thing" a week.
Literally a direct quote. Nice before this.. and he was nice after this...
Wow! That does sound harsh! Ummmm. just a guess, and especially since everything else with the two of you is good, my guess is that it is something that you are doing without him and he resents the time you are away from him.
Also, and this is my point of view as someone who has been going to gyms for years is that many people join the gym with good intentions and don't last, esp. after the first of the year and gym instructors know that. In fact, one of my personal trainers was complaining about the gym being so packed, and then he told me that it is going to look a lot different in March. Going to the gym and working out, lifting weights IS difficult...it takes a certain kind of commitment. That being said, a lot of people quit the gym after a couple of months....life stuff gets in the way. Maybe your husband is making comments like that based on his experience with knowing about others who have quit the gym.
just throwing this idea out there since no one else has.
and I honestly don't think that venting is a bad thing. We all do it.
And you're right. EVERYONE has vented at some point about their spouse to someone else. I prefer the internet in company of strangers so I don't have to deal with people I actually know knowing my bidnez0 -
Again, 23. She's 23. Honestly some people here are acting like she's a 50 year old deadbeat heroin addict fresh out of her 5th rehab or something. Give her some space to change, I see people her age growing and changing every day. (And I see plenty of middle aged fat girls working their butts off every day in the gym, making lots of progress!)100% honest, there was no venom behind my words. I think taking something like this and jumping to calling it abuse is a bit hasty without finding out more details.
How many times does a wife feel dissatisfied with her husband's contribution to chores and if he starts pitching in thinks "Great, but how long will this last?"
I think it's normal for people who have witnessed a pattern of behavior to expect that pattern to continue. That is why, instead of replying "ZOMG! He's a jerk! Leave his abusive hiney!!" I asked if perhaps this was a pattern for the OP. Wouldn't it make her feel better to see that there was possibly a legitimate reason for his thoughtless words instead of having a ton of people tell her she's abused? If her response to my question was that no, she's never tried to get in shape over the 5 years of her marriage, then that would change my response.
The implication that I live in a world where abuse is tolerated is, at best, laughable.
that is my reply.
OK then, that is why I was asking for clarification. When you joined MFP in July, was weight loss not your goal?
Is he supportive of other endeavors you take on? Have you started on any long term goal related plan that he has been less than supportive before? College, business, lessons, anything involving your kids where he reacted negatively?0 -
do something now before you end up being exactly what he says you will be.
(thats what happened to me) Don't involve him in anything you do for yourself; he's a downer.
Make new friends, exercise is a cheap antidepressant ( i keep reminding myself of this).
Think of anything you do for yourself as "me time" and do it. You deserve it.
Get it off your chest even if you have to write anonymous letters online about it. look for website for this.
You're on the right track with MFP; we are here.0 -
So, I just started working out and eating better 4 days ago.. any time I talk about it to my husband he says "why are you trying me this? You're not going to lose any weight..." or says he gives it knew week... or I won't go back after my rest day... or that we're wastefully spending our money on the gym.. just a bunch of mean ****..
It's hard being motivated when he acts this way. How do I get him to realize I'm determined?
This really hurts my feelings more than anything.. I'm a pretty girl.. I just want the body to complete it.. I don't like being put down this way.
Sorry.. just venting.
I feel your pain, I really do but ultimately this lifestyle change is for you! Of course we want our significant others to be our biggest cheerleaders but that doesn't always happen. Do it for you! Do it for your health! Your quality of life! Do it because its going to feel amazing! Do not focus on him. It's all about you boo! Good luck with your transformation :-)0 -
If you need support, there are plenty of amazing people on here (myself included) who will be there to cheer you on along the way.0
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So, I just started working out and eating better 4 days ago.. any time I talk about it to my husband he says "why are you trying me this? You're not going to lose any weight..." or says he gives it knew week... or I won't go back after my rest day... or that we're wastefully spending our money on the gym.. just a bunch of mean ****..
It's hard being motivated when he acts this way. How do I get him to realize I'm determined?
This really hurts my feelings more than anything.. I'm a pretty girl.. I just want the body to complete it.. I don't like being put down this way.
Sorry.. just venting.
The charitable view would be that he's trying to instigate anger, not depression - and is hoping to inspire (ignite) you into proving him wrong.
the uncharitable view would be that you married a total c**nt and it's time to stop letting your emotions be dragged around by the rotten stuff that comes out of his mouth. That's HIS soul he's showing you, not yours.
the even more uncharitable view would be that you've done this many times before and he's jaded.
Either way the answer is the same.
1. don't tell him about it. Don't talk to him about it, don't discuss it. I would never tell a man I was dieting anyway. it never works.
2. carry on doing it.
3. prove him wrong.
Editing: your'e 23. That means he's probably around that age too. Don't take that stuff seriously. If he was forty and saying it that'd be a big deal, but men in their 20's talk all sorts of crap.
Just ignore it.
do what you decide to do.
I always get my boyfriend in on it when I'm dieting. He's a great sport about it as he really thinks a lot about his own healthy too. He cheats on the diets a lot, and that's fine, I am not trying to force anything on him. But when he wants to cook things or make plans to go out to eat, I just let him know that I need enough notice to plan my day and we are good. I tell him I need his support and he gives it by having me check the menu ahead of time to make sure there is something I can eat and by asking me if something he wants to cook will work for me. It's really great. So I don't agree that it never works to tell a guy you are dieting, that's all. It's more about him understanding that it's important to me and that he doesn't do things to throw me off, like bring home cheesecake or something. I would stress that to your husband. He doesn't have to participate or believe you can do it, he just needs to know it's not ok to do anything distructive to plan.0
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