Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
Replies
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Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 30
Have you talked about it with him? Maybe he needs an ultimatum... I remember my mother telling me that at one point, she almost left my father before they were married. they'd been together 4 years, and she wanted to move onto the next step, which was marriage. He said he was happy with the way things were, and didn't want to get married (my grandparents had a messed up marriage, and I think that was his hangup). She basically told him she was moving to Wyoming (my uncle lived out there) and as she started planning her move, he realized that a life with her was worth more than whatever reservations he had. They were married 36 years before he passed away.0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed out marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so wrong. its called COMPROMISE!
I say compromise is great if someone is willing to settle for not having something important, like having kids. I don't think that will work for everyone, and I don't think it means she is throwing something away instead of fixing. That is a big and tough decision to make. I have a friend who made that decision. Now she is almost 40, they have split up and where does that leave her? 40 with no kids and probably a slim chance of having any. Though not impossible, of course.
OP-go with your heart. If you feel this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then leave. No use waiting to see what happens. In the end, it's it's something you don't feel you could live with, then don't.
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back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed out marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so wrong. its called COMPROMISE!
I say compromise is great if someone is willing to settle for not having something important, like having kids. I don't think that will work for everyone, and I don't think it means she is throwing something away instead of fixing. That is a big and tough decision to make. I have a friend who made that decision. Now she is almost 40, they have split up and where does that leave her? 40 with no kids and probably a slim chance of having any. Though not impossible, of course.
OP-go with your heart. If you feel this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then leave. No use waiting to see what happens. In the end, it's it's something you don't feel you could live with, then don't.
Yes but her main focus should be that of her child she has now! that is his/her dad and she is talking about leaving him due to him not wanting more kids. To me that is totally shocking if that is the only issue they are having ( which I am sure it is not). I just know from coming from a broken family at that age and it hurt badly and I blamed myself for a ton of things that went on that obviously wasn't my fault. But as a kid you just think those things.0 -
Nope, that's a pretty great reason to leave if you ask me. Any reason is a good reason, but marriage and kid issues are obvious deal breakers to me. Hugs xxx0
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better question is why would you stay if these thing are very important to you?0
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Like it or not, bringing a child into the world means you have to think about their needs more than your wants. If you are living together and decide to separate, your child will essentially lose his/her father. A divorce/breakup is as painful to a child as experiencing a death in the family, and they usually blame themselves for a breakup. So if the home situation is really as unbearable as that, then move on. This is a big decision and should not be taken lightly.
Maybe ask him what about marriage puts him off. Is it the commitment or the wedding or the formality of names on a paper? Maybe you can figure something out that you both can live with.0 -
Not one bit.
But if you're together for 6 1/2 years, how did this not come up earlier? Or did they just change their mind?
I didn't really want to get married until about a year ago and same with another kid! Just felt like it was time now, we born older you know!
If your mind changed as recently as a year ago perhaps it would be a good idea to sit down and discuss this with your boyfriend. Does he realize how important this is to you? Has he said absolutely not, never? Talk to him to see whether or not there is something to work towards.0 -
So say you were married and he decided he didnt want anymore kids. Would you want to walk away from that too? I think too many people make things so disposable.
You already have the family without that piece of paper - whooopity do! That piece of paper does NOT change anything.0 -
Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 30
I'd leave em'.0 -
We can't answer this question for you.
But, the answer would be different if you did not already have a child together. If you are not married and have no kids, then sure go ahead and leave for any reason you want.
If you are incredibly unhappy and can't work it out, then sure it's time to part ways (kids or not).
But, you already have a child and if the only reason you want to leave is because you want more kids then that does not seem like a good reason to me to break up your family. What if one of you was not able to have more kids? I would not leave my partner if he did not want more kids. I don't even know what your partner's reasons are for not wanting more kids. Maybe he has reasons that relate to your life and financial situation. I'm not going to say to you that you should break up your family over this unless there are other, bigger reasons than that. I have two kids and I'm done, I can't imagine my husband leaving me just because he decided he wanted three kids (he hasn't decided that).
You need to decide this for yourself, not ask on a fitness message board.0 -
If you started the relationship at 19 (isn), then you have just spent the last six years failing to enjoy perhaps the best few years you could have as a single woman.
To add a child into the mix means you are pretty badly limited for your future.
If what you want is the ring and another baby and you are absolutely going to look elsewhere, then even your dating options are going to be impacted by being a single mother - not every guy wants to date a single mother.**
Seriously, leave him, make yourself a life with your child, date, dance on tables, do all those things that you have spent the last 6.1/2 years missing.
You will find someone and you will get what it is you want.
**before the Single-Moms Jihad jump on my head for that comment, please understand that 'not every' means exactly that, the dating pool of single guys is reduced simply by being a single mom.0 -
**before the Single-Moms Jihad jump on my head for that comment, please understand that 'not every' means exactly that, the dating pool of single guys is reduced simply by being a single mom.
Well, it's true. And to be honest you also have to be extremely selective when you are a single mom. Unfortunately some men prey on single moms because they want to abuse the child(ren).0 -
Whatever happened to figuring these things out before having kids?Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 300 -
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. He is saying quite clearly that he is not willing to make a lifetime commitment with you. In other words, he reserves the right to leave at any time.
You can fight to save a marriage, but you don't have a marriage. You have a man who has an opt-out clause.0 -
Marriage is a lifetime commitment....
Not where I live, it seems to be a 2-3 year thing at best.....0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed our marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so not true. its called COMPROMISE!
I agree that tyou should always TRY before trowing a relationship away, but they were talking about solid, deep-down values, not just how to decorate the guest room or where to go out to eat. Views are different from values. You can't compromise on a value. It would be as if, for example, if my husband suddenly decided he didn't want to go to church anymore, or teach our child about God. That's not something I would be willing to "compromise" on, because it's a deep-seated value that is unshakeable for me. Likewise, you can't compromise on getting married or having more children. You either do, or you don't. There's no middle ground on either subject. Therefore if it a subject that is very important to you and is not possible to compromise on, it would probably be best to get out of the relationship before it just gets worse.0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You mean you settled.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand this and those who have advocated that it's ok to leave for whatever reason. If you treat the most important relationships in your life as though they are disposable, then you only set yourself up for future unhappiness.
I, for one, recommend that you both go to some couple counselling. Try and sort it out before throwing in the towel.
All the best,
Ben0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed out marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so wrong. its called COMPROMISE!
I say compromise is great if someone is willing to settle for not having something important, like having kids. I don't think that will work for everyone, and I don't think it means she is throwing something away instead of fixing. That is a big and tough decision to make. I have a friend who made that decision. Now she is almost 40, they have split up and where does that leave her? 40 with no kids and probably a slim chance of having any. Though not impossible, of course.
OP-go with your heart. If you feel this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then leave. No use waiting to see what happens. In the end, it's it's something you don't feel you could live with, then don't.
Yes but her main focus should be that of her child she has now! that is his/her dad and she is talking about leaving him due to him not wanting more kids. To me that is totally shocking if that is the only issue they are having ( which I am sure it is not). I just know from coming from a broken family at that age and it hurt badly and I blamed myself for a ton of things that went on that obviously wasn't my fault. But as a kid you just think those things.
What a fascinating assumption (made by everyone in this thread so far, I believe) that she would gain custody of their child.0 -
sounds like you need to think a bit more about what you want.
in one post you say you never wanted to get married or have another child until about a year ago and in the next you're saying it's something you've always wanted.
maybe take some time for yourself to think about things?
but if you're not happy and there's no saving the relationship, time to get out. no child deserves to be raised in an unhappy household0 -
What a fascinating assumption (made by everyone in this thread so far, I believe) that she would gain custody of their child.
Well, I figured they would have joint custody (and thought others were thinking the same).0 -
You are the only one who can answer that question.0
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flip a coin.0
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I know NOTHING about the kid thing (intentionally on my part). So I can't really speak on whether it's better to separate or stay together for the kid. I haven't a clue. I will say that having split up parents, whether divorced or whatever, is usually a difficult thing for a kid of any age...but so is having unhappy parents!
I do know this. Of all the friends of mine who have ended a marriage or relationship, even after many many years, I don't know a single one who really regrets the decision. Even when it may have made their lives harder in the short term, it seems to make them happier in the long term whether they are single or find someone new. I personally believe I'd feel happier being single than with a guy for years and years who didn't want to marry me even though I was sure that I wanted to marry him. That probably sounds weird to some people but it makes sense to me.
I divorced my husband of 9+ years because we had ZERO passion and our lifestyles were becoming less compatible. He was severely depressed, unhealthy, and didn't want to change. His main interest & only source of entertainment was spending money. I would beg him to go bowling or on a walk or just do anything with me, but all he wanted to do was go to the Apple store or to the mall to buy new Yankee candles or holiday decorations (yes bizarrely true). We had sex very rarely after about 3 months in the relationship...so for OVER 9 years we had only occasional physical intimacy and almost ZERO physical touch in a casual affectionate way. When we split up, I was starting to become a lot more active and expanded my interest in lifelong hobbies like Art and volunteer work and learning new things etc...he saw no value in my interests at all and seemed to only TRULY value my cooking and bringing home a nice paycheck to accompany his own paycheck. We still laughed together all the time, shared our home and dog, shared taste in music and TV and so on...and generally liked each other pretty well. We just didn't DO anything together anymore. A LOT of people who knew us thought we were very happy and thought we should try to salvage the marriage...even the divorce attorney and his staff told us they had never seen a couple so happy and amicable through the divorce proceedings.
But now...now I am remarried to the absolute love of my life, this man who I have such an unreal connection with and extreme, crazy passion for (which is reciprocated and then some). It has made my life so much better in so many ways! I get to share MY lifestyle with someone who shares the same interests and high energy level etc. I have a partner in all areas of life, who will share his thoughts and feelings. We "fight" more than I fought with my ex but it's always so productive and leads us to understanding each other better and actually being closer! It's been 110% worth leaving my ex (and no I didn't meet my current husband until after I was divorced).
I shudder to think how my life would be if I'd stayed with my ex because he was a nice person and we had a nice comfortable home together. I would probably still weigh 300 lb and never have sex and buy Ugg boots and Coach bags for my weekend's amusement and feel completely misunderstood. That was not for me.0 -
^somehow I manage to have the kid, his father, and the ugg's and coach bags.0
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I have heard a person say that they divorced and then regretted it because they thought the grass was greener in single life, but realized that life always has challenges in it and their partner had been a wonderful person (they just wanted the idealized single life, that never happened the way they imagined it). I'm not saying this is the case for anyone here (it's not). Just sharing that.0
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^^ Not sure what you mean as I still have the material things also but I don't think shopping is really a fulfilling part of life.
And kids are something I have never wanted for even 3 minutes of my life. To each their own, though!0 -
I couldn't advise on this without knowing what his reasons are for not wanting to be officially married. Different people have different reasons for that. I'm just saying that people can't ask for answers to whether they should break up or not on a message board (when they have a child already).
With that said, I have heard that couples counseling is very ineffective and often leads to more divorce than not going to couples counseling.0 -
Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 30
Have you talked about it with him? Maybe he needs an ultimatum... I remember my mother telling me that at one point, she almost left my father before they were married. they'd been together 4 years, and she wanted to move onto the next step, which was marriage. He said he was happy with the way things were, and didn't want to get married (my grandparents had a messed up marriage, and I think that was his hangup). She basically told him she was moving to Wyoming (my uncle lived out there) and as she started planning her move, he realized that a life with her was worth more than whatever reservations he had. They were married 36 years before he passed away.
he sounds like my boyfriend!!! exactly what he said!!0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
If the grass is greener on the other side, you need to pay more attention to your own lawn.0 -
If you want to split up with him, split up with him. You don't need to stay with someone who doesn't want what you want.
But you have a kid together, so -- assuming he's not abusive -- try to keep things friendly enough that your kid can have a relationship with their dad.0
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