Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
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If you started the relationship at 19 (isn), then you have just spent the last six years failing to enjoy perhaps the best few years you could have as a single woman.
To add a child into the mix means you are pretty badly limited for your future.
If what you want is the ring and another baby and you are absolutely going to look elsewhere, then even your dating options are going to be impacted by being a single mother - not every guy wants to date a single mother.**
Seriously, leave him, make yourself a life with your child, date, dance on tables, do all those things that you have spent the last 6.1/2 years missing.
You will find someone and you will get what it is you want.
**before the Single-Moms Jihad jump on my head for that comment, please understand that 'not every' means exactly that, the dating pool of single guys is reduced simply by being a single mom.0 -
**before the Single-Moms Jihad jump on my head for that comment, please understand that 'not every' means exactly that, the dating pool of single guys is reduced simply by being a single mom.
Well, it's true. And to be honest you also have to be extremely selective when you are a single mom. Unfortunately some men prey on single moms because they want to abuse the child(ren).0 -
Whatever happened to figuring these things out before having kids?Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 300 -
Marriage is a lifetime commitment. He is saying quite clearly that he is not willing to make a lifetime commitment with you. In other words, he reserves the right to leave at any time.
You can fight to save a marriage, but you don't have a marriage. You have a man who has an opt-out clause.0 -
Marriage is a lifetime commitment....
Not where I live, it seems to be a 2-3 year thing at best.....0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed our marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so not true. its called COMPROMISE!
I agree that tyou should always TRY before trowing a relationship away, but they were talking about solid, deep-down values, not just how to decorate the guest room or where to go out to eat. Views are different from values. You can't compromise on a value. It would be as if, for example, if my husband suddenly decided he didn't want to go to church anymore, or teach our child about God. That's not something I would be willing to "compromise" on, because it's a deep-seated value that is unshakeable for me. Likewise, you can't compromise on getting married or having more children. You either do, or you don't. There's no middle ground on either subject. Therefore if it a subject that is very important to you and is not possible to compromise on, it would probably be best to get out of the relationship before it just gets worse.0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You mean you settled.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand this and those who have advocated that it's ok to leave for whatever reason. If you treat the most important relationships in your life as though they are disposable, then you only set yourself up for future unhappiness.
I, for one, recommend that you both go to some couple counselling. Try and sort it out before throwing in the towel.
All the best,
Ben0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
You can't "fix" having completely different values, fundamentally.. It's a pretty huge dealbreaker when one person wants kids, and the other person doesn't.
There's nothing to fix in that situation. If one person bends so the other person gets what they want, they'll end up bitter and resenting him/her for it in the long run.
that is wrong, my husband and I have been together 7 1/2 years and we don't have the same views and fight hard for our marriage. Anything can be saved, but people would rather throw something away like a tantrum then fix what they have. I wanted kids way back then and now I told my husband I didn't want any. He shrugged and said we will get there when we get there. We both will be 27 this year and have been to counseling and have fixed out marriage that was HORRIBLE from the start. So to sit there and say you can't fix a marriage based off of different wants or needs that is so wrong. its called COMPROMISE!
I say compromise is great if someone is willing to settle for not having something important, like having kids. I don't think that will work for everyone, and I don't think it means she is throwing something away instead of fixing. That is a big and tough decision to make. I have a friend who made that decision. Now she is almost 40, they have split up and where does that leave her? 40 with no kids and probably a slim chance of having any. Though not impossible, of course.
OP-go with your heart. If you feel this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, then leave. No use waiting to see what happens. In the end, it's it's something you don't feel you could live with, then don't.
Yes but her main focus should be that of her child she has now! that is his/her dad and she is talking about leaving him due to him not wanting more kids. To me that is totally shocking if that is the only issue they are having ( which I am sure it is not). I just know from coming from a broken family at that age and it hurt badly and I blamed myself for a ton of things that went on that obviously wasn't my fault. But as a kid you just think those things.
What a fascinating assumption (made by everyone in this thread so far, I believe) that she would gain custody of their child.0 -
sounds like you need to think a bit more about what you want.
in one post you say you never wanted to get married or have another child until about a year ago and in the next you're saying it's something you've always wanted.
maybe take some time for yourself to think about things?
but if you're not happy and there's no saving the relationship, time to get out. no child deserves to be raised in an unhappy household0 -
What a fascinating assumption (made by everyone in this thread so far, I believe) that she would gain custody of their child.
Well, I figured they would have joint custody (and thought others were thinking the same).0 -
You are the only one who can answer that question.0
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flip a coin.0
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I know NOTHING about the kid thing (intentionally on my part). So I can't really speak on whether it's better to separate or stay together for the kid. I haven't a clue. I will say that having split up parents, whether divorced or whatever, is usually a difficult thing for a kid of any age...but so is having unhappy parents!
I do know this. Of all the friends of mine who have ended a marriage or relationship, even after many many years, I don't know a single one who really regrets the decision. Even when it may have made their lives harder in the short term, it seems to make them happier in the long term whether they are single or find someone new. I personally believe I'd feel happier being single than with a guy for years and years who didn't want to marry me even though I was sure that I wanted to marry him. That probably sounds weird to some people but it makes sense to me.
I divorced my husband of 9+ years because we had ZERO passion and our lifestyles were becoming less compatible. He was severely depressed, unhealthy, and didn't want to change. His main interest & only source of entertainment was spending money. I would beg him to go bowling or on a walk or just do anything with me, but all he wanted to do was go to the Apple store or to the mall to buy new Yankee candles or holiday decorations (yes bizarrely true). We had sex very rarely after about 3 months in the relationship...so for OVER 9 years we had only occasional physical intimacy and almost ZERO physical touch in a casual affectionate way. When we split up, I was starting to become a lot more active and expanded my interest in lifelong hobbies like Art and volunteer work and learning new things etc...he saw no value in my interests at all and seemed to only TRULY value my cooking and bringing home a nice paycheck to accompany his own paycheck. We still laughed together all the time, shared our home and dog, shared taste in music and TV and so on...and generally liked each other pretty well. We just didn't DO anything together anymore. A LOT of people who knew us thought we were very happy and thought we should try to salvage the marriage...even the divorce attorney and his staff told us they had never seen a couple so happy and amicable through the divorce proceedings.
But now...now I am remarried to the absolute love of my life, this man who I have such an unreal connection with and extreme, crazy passion for (which is reciprocated and then some). It has made my life so much better in so many ways! I get to share MY lifestyle with someone who shares the same interests and high energy level etc. I have a partner in all areas of life, who will share his thoughts and feelings. We "fight" more than I fought with my ex but it's always so productive and leads us to understanding each other better and actually being closer! It's been 110% worth leaving my ex (and no I didn't meet my current husband until after I was divorced).
I shudder to think how my life would be if I'd stayed with my ex because he was a nice person and we had a nice comfortable home together. I would probably still weigh 300 lb and never have sex and buy Ugg boots and Coach bags for my weekend's amusement and feel completely misunderstood. That was not for me.0 -
^somehow I manage to have the kid, his father, and the ugg's and coach bags.0
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I have heard a person say that they divorced and then regretted it because they thought the grass was greener in single life, but realized that life always has challenges in it and their partner had been a wonderful person (they just wanted the idealized single life, that never happened the way they imagined it). I'm not saying this is the case for anyone here (it's not). Just sharing that.0
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^^ Not sure what you mean as I still have the material things also but I don't think shopping is really a fulfilling part of life.
And kids are something I have never wanted for even 3 minutes of my life. To each their own, though!0 -
I couldn't advise on this without knowing what his reasons are for not wanting to be officially married. Different people have different reasons for that. I'm just saying that people can't ask for answers to whether they should break up or not on a message board (when they have a child already).
With that said, I have heard that couples counseling is very ineffective and often leads to more divorce than not going to couples counseling.0 -
Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if they don't want to get married or have anymore kids?
Break down: 6 1/2 years together and 4 1/2 year old
Im 25 (26 in February) he 30
Have you talked about it with him? Maybe he needs an ultimatum... I remember my mother telling me that at one point, she almost left my father before they were married. they'd been together 4 years, and she wanted to move onto the next step, which was marriage. He said he was happy with the way things were, and didn't want to get married (my grandparents had a messed up marriage, and I think that was his hangup). She basically told him she was moving to Wyoming (my uncle lived out there) and as she started planning her move, he realized that a life with her was worth more than whatever reservations he had. They were married 36 years before he passed away.
he sounds like my boyfriend!!! exactly what he said!!0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
If the grass is greener on the other side, you need to pay more attention to your own lawn.0 -
If you want to split up with him, split up with him. You don't need to stay with someone who doesn't want what you want.
But you have a kid together, so -- assuming he's not abusive -- try to keep things friendly enough that your kid can have a relationship with their dad.0
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