Is it wrong/ok to leave someone if.......
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I have read every single persons response and WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS OUT APPRECTIVE I AM (I wrote big to prove it lol) Ok here it goes… He is the BEST FATHER I could ask for, a WONDERFUL hard workingman. We had our ups and downs over the years, but nothing we couldn’t fix! It took a while (a lot to do with age) for us to get where we are now and really happy! That’s why now I was talking about marriage because we are in a better place!! I am truly happy but not complete! I want to get married; I love him and would love to have his last name like our son has! I just feel like I’m not part of the “family” because we have different last names (I know is sounds dumb). I’m tired of saying my boyfriend, man etc… I want to have that ring and his last name (fyi: ugh this is embarrassing, I already have a ring, it was my grandmother and all he had to do it clean and re-size it!) I understand his nervousness about marriage, everybody in his family divorced, even his parents, after 30 years being together. But they all got married for the wrong reasons; they got pregnant (old school). I don’t want to get married because of our son, I want to get married because I love him and want that next step. My son even asks him to marry me!! The reason why I post this up here because I don’t have friends that I can trust there advice and my mother is not the one to ask for advice!
My fears if I leave: That is doesn’t get much better then him, that he was the “one” for me and our son will have an unnecessary broken home. I know hell be there for him, but its nothing like having two parents under the same roof!
Fears if I stay: Never will get married, and will be 50 years old, still not married and not having another child, all I want is two and I'm good, don’t want to regret anything and have “what ifs” I HATE “what ifs”
Curve ball: He does want to buy a house with me though
Unfortunately there's no compromise in this situation; one of you is going to end up doing/not doing something you do/don't want to. Especially where there are kids involved.
You are afraid of leaving him because ultimately he sounds like a good guy and it's obvious you love him. but ask yourself this: in 30 years time, when you are still unmarried or without the children you wanted, are you still going to love him? Or will you resent him because of it?
You need to sit down with this man and have a serious conversation. Tell him everything you've told us. Make it clear what you want and ask the same of him. You need to reach a decision, if not for you but for the sake of your child. And believe me, two seperated but happy homes are better than one miserable one. Good luck.0 -
You are afraid of leaving him because ultimately he sounds like a good guy and it's obvious you love him. but ask yourself this: in 30 years time, when you are still unmarried or without the children you wanted, are you still going to love him? Or will you resent him because of it?
THIS!!!!! PERFECTLY SAID!!!0 -
I think people are jumping too far ahead. They are young. There is time. No need to jump ahead to 30 or 50 years. A lot of change happens in that time.
What if you leave him and can't find another person that wants to have children and in 30 years from now you had a broken family, raised your child alone (with joint custody hopefully), and never had any more children? Leaving him is not a guarantee that you will have more children. My mother had my twin brother and I and spent her life in abusive relationships, no more children, and ultimately alone. Now, my mother's situation was different because my father was an abuser and she then went straight into a 7 year relationship with an even worse abuser. Sometimes relationships don't work because the individual needs to work on themselves. Individual counseling may be a good idea.0 -
Not specifically speaking from any sort of experience here, buuut...
I think the big problem is that you're telling us about it and not him?
If you aren't properly communicating with him this leaves so many possibilities open.
Maybe you aren't properly listening to him?
Case in Point: My sister threw the exact same fit when she married her husband. They were married 6 months and she started freaking out cause he had decided he didn't want kids. She, out of anger, decided she was going to talk to him. For this reason, she got to be miserable in her own terrible silence for almost 3 months before decided to start communicating with him properly and discovered that, in fact what he meant, was he didn't want kids any time soon. He had decided he wanted to wait a few years. Then ended up having their first on their 6th wedding anniversary.
Maybe he hasn't had the opportunity to fully hear you out because you aren't talking to him instead of venting here?
Did he in fact say, I want absolutely no more children! Ever! ... ?
Now, if he indeed say this. If you have tried thoroughly discussing this conversation with him. If you have explained your desire to have children even if it means going elsewhere (yes, he needs warning.) Then, if he still refuses to budge, I would say perhaps it is time.0 -
So say you were married and he decided he didnt want anymore kids. Would you want to walk away from that too? I think too many people make things so disposable.
You already have the family without that piece of paper - whooopity do! That piece of paper does NOT change anything.
I think compromising on the actual marriage isn't as big of a deal.
It's the one person wanting kids and the other not that is concerning.0 -
Nothing wrong with kicking someone to the curb for whatever reason.0
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I feel like people don't understand that they already have a child together. We don't know what his reasons are for not wanting to have another...they may be important and practical reasons. And if you are happy together why break up just because he doesn't want a wedding and a marriage license. Yeah, if you are truly unhappy in an irreparable way (like he beats you or you fight nonstop) then you don't have to stay in that, and if you don't have kids then feel free to do whatever you want. But, they already have a child together. I can't even fathom how people can say, "Sure, break up your family, go out and find some other guy, so you can have more kids." What?!? :noway:0
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I think people should shackle themselves to one person no matter what.... that is the nature of humans right? Completely monogamous till the end.0
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She's not just talking about two people. There are THREE involved. And the littlest most important person is the one thats going to hurt the most so ....0
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Very well said, sir. I concur.I think the most important thing in this scenario is the child.
And children tend to do better where their parents are separated but on amicable terms rather than together and acrimonious.0 -
She said that they are happy together and he is a wonderful father. She just wants to leave to find another guy that will get married and have another child because she wants 2, not just 1. That seems selfish and immature to me. Maybe he doesn't want more kids because it wouldn't work financially, or they have their hands full with one and their careers (because they are young parents). Sure, they should not stay together if they have major problems, but how can people not see the problems that could occur, if they break up a happy family just to have more kids. Life is not a sparkly bed of roses like that, where everything turns out exactly the way you want by breaking up and finding a prince charming. There could be new problems, people generally take their problems with them wherever they go.0
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right...the kid will be stoked... 2 birthdays AND 2 christmases!!!!0
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What's his reason behind not wanting to get married/have additional children? Are you financially stable? How is your relationship outside of this? It seems like a poor reason to throw away a 6.5 year relationship and to have your child grow up with separated parents if things are great aside from his views on marriage RIGHT NOW. That could change and presumably you love him enough to want to marry him or else this wouldn't be an issue. In my opinion, why toss out the whole relationship if things are great relationship wise?0
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If you've been together for that long and marriage is important to you, but he can't make the commitment, leave. By all means, you deserve a man who will do anything to make you happy.
Yes, I agree... but HE also deserves a women who will do anything to make him happy and won't push him to get married or have more kids if he doesn't really want to.
It's gotta be a two way street otherwise both sides have perfectly good reasons to leave the other.0 -
Cut him loose. Find someone who DOES want to marry you and have children with you.
I hate it when I hear men have made a unilateral 'no more kids' decision - just beyond selfish. He knows that having more children will help to fufil you and complete your family and yet he denies you that. That's not a loving thing to do. If he had a dream... a goal.. that it were in your power to give - would you give it to him or deny him it? Even if it meant sacrifices and hardships probably you'd give it to him because it's obvious you love him. But maybe he doesn't love you back.0 -
If you want to get married and he doesn't after that long of a time together than I would definitely say it's time to move on and find someone that is willing to commit to you.
Of course this assume that marriage = commitment... the statistical reality has proven beyond all reasonable doubt that this is simply not the case. The proven reality is that marriage means maybe but maybe not.
That might not be how you personal think of marriage but that is the external reality of it.
Overall he actually sounds very committed to her, together for years, raising a kid with her, and wanting to buy a house with her. To me that looks like in his mind he is committed to being with her, even if he won't do anything and everything she wants.0 -
Overall he actually sounds very committed to her, together for years, raising a kid with her, and wanting to buy a house with her. To me that looks like in his mind he is committed to being with her, even if he won't do anything and everything she wants.
What's to do? She wants marriage and more kids. All he has to do is:
a. turn up to the wedding
b. have unprotected sex
Or she could hang around until he runs off with someone else and it's too late to have more kids and her best years are behind her.... I may be bringing some of my own issues to this thread. :sad:0 -
Cut him loose. Find someone who DOES want to marry you and have children with you.
I hate it when I hear men have made a unilateral 'no more kids' decision - just beyond selfish. He knows that having more children will help to fufil you and complete your family and yet he denies you that. That's not a loving thing to do. If he had a dream... a goal.. that it were in your power to give - would you give it to him or deny him it? Even if it meant sacrifices and hardships probably you'd give it to him because it's obvious you love him. But maybe he doesn't love you back.
How does he "know" that? Sounds like an assumption.
What if his dream, his goal, was to have a mistress? I mean it might not be what the OP wants for him/them but if she really loved him she would help him make that happen right? She knows it would make him more complete and fulfilled.
I hate it when women make a unilateral decision that the man will have no mistress.
The point is that what 1 side of the relationship wants should not automatically be considered more important than what the other side of the relationship wants. Her desire to get married and have more kids is not automatically more important than his desire to not get married and not have more kids.
The guy is no more obligated to do what the girl wants than the girl is to do what the guy wants.
The whole idea that the guy is supposed to give the girl whatever she wants because he loves her, is pretty sexist.
There is a whole lot more involved in this decision, a lot of pros and cons of leaving vs staying, that are far more practical, important, and mature, to consider than just saying "oh he won't do what you want, leave him". If I was the OP it would take a lot of careful consideration to make a conclusion and for me it wouldn't be based on simply not getting what I want.0 -
Overall he actually sounds very committed to her, together for years, raising a kid with her, and wanting to buy a house with her. To me that looks like in his mind he is committed to being with her, even if he won't do anything and everything she wants.
What's to do? She wants marriage and more kids. All he has to do is:
a. turn up to the wedding
b. have unprotected sex
Or she could hang around until he runs off with someone else and it's too late to have more kids and her best years are behind her.... I may be bringing some of my own issues to this thread. :sad:
Oh so he doesn't have to raise the kid? He doesn't have to spend thousands and thousands and thousands of hours working to financially support the kid?0 -
back in the day you didnt throw anything away, you fixed it. It seems a lot of people think that the grass is greener on the other side. Its always green over a septic tank :laugh:
QFT.
If you have a family together you should try and fix it. You've been together a while, how did the no more kids and/or marriage not come up? Or did you think that your SO's mind would change as time went on?0 -
I find it interesting that many are so quick to question his commitment to the relationship when it is she who is thinking of leaving him.
He's there helping raise the kid.
He's working.
He wants to buy a house with her.
To be really honest he actually sounds more committed to the relationship than she is as (at least as far as we know) he isn't saying "well if she insists on marriage and more kids I will leave her".
The fact that so many automatically assume he is lacking the commitment or somehow in the wrong here, seems like sexism or simply confused fuzzy morals.
That being said....
To the OP:
For me in your situation my commitment would be first and foremost to my child, second to myself, and last to him. So as long as you handled it properly I don't think you would be doing anything wrong whatsoever but beyond that no one here can tell you if it's the right choice for your child and you.0 -
I feel like people don't understand that they already have a child together. We don't know what his reasons are for not wanting to have another...they may be important and practical reasons. And if you are happy together why break up just because he doesn't want a wedding and a marriage license. Yeah, if you are truly unhappy in an irreparable way (like he beats you or you fight nonstop) then you don't have to stay in that, and if you don't have kids then feel free to do whatever you want. But, they already have a child together. I can't even fathom how people can say, "Sure, break up your family, go out and find some other guy, so you can have more kids." What?!? :noway:
This!
Simply breaking up because he doesn't want to get married or have more kids is one thing before having a child together, but once you have a child you need to look at the bigger picture. I am not saying to stay in a bad relationship for kids, or that divorces shouldn't happen (in fact, I am divorced), but I don't see how people can really advocate simply leaving him and moving on if the relationship which is otherwise described as wonderful. I would recommend that you at least try counseling together and/or the previously recommended trial separation.
There have been some references to you raising your child alone, getting married and having two parents in the household even if it isn't dad, etc. Keep in mind that this man is your child's father and if he's committed to being in your child's life he will and should be. Many states have shared parenting (equally time with both parents) and I know dads who are the primary parent. I don't know your situation, but you should speak with an attorney before you assume that leaving means your child automatically comes with you.0 -
You want to get married and want more kids. If that's the case, then it's time to move on. Living with regret on your own dreams not being fulfilled is a sad life.
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Yeah to hell what makes HIM happy. :huh:If you've been together for that long and marriage is important to you, but he can't make the commitment, leave. By all means, you deserve a man who will do anything to make you happy.0 -
I don't think it's wrong at all. It's sad that you've found this out after so long, especially as you already have a child together.
However, if it's that important to you, maybe it's time to move on. It also depends what you place as a higher priority, him or marriage and more children?
I wouldn't say rush into the decision, but to post on here, you've probably thought it through quite a bit already. Things to think about might be: Is he committed to you, even if you're not married? Are there big reasons why he doesn't want another child, maybe it's fear or something else you haven't considered that you could work through? Is there room for compromise? Counselling?0 -
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It depends on how important that piece of paper is to you. I have been with the same guy for 22 yrs without marriage, I do not want to get married. We have 2 kids, house, cars everything that most marriages have but the marriage certificate. Why does he not want another child? Does he never or just not for a few more years.
I have a niece that got married in early 20s and swore she never wanted kids at all. When she hit 30 things changed and she decided she did want a child and now at 33 she just had another.0 -
Do everything you can to talk it out first and make sure you both understand each other's feelings and motivations for each of your wants and preferences.
I wouldn't leave him for not wanting a marriage, though it would be something I would want to talk more about since it's important to you. If he was positive he didn't want more children and I was positive I did, I may leave after we talked about it and ensured we couldn't come to an agreement.
In the end, it comes down to priorities, which are highly personal. Preserving my marriage and being with my best friend is more important to me than having children (or not having children.) It won't hurt me not to have children, but it would hurt me terribly not to have my best friend. However, for others, the desire to have children is much more powerful and important, and for them, it's a much more difficult and important decision to make. It's not wrong to leave someone for not being able to make the most important part of your futures their futures mesh, but it may be wrong for you to leave him.
I'm sorry you are both in this situation and hope you can work something out. I'm not sure this is a situation where we can say either of you is wrong for not compromising, since we really are talking fundamental wants and needs.0 -
25 years old, 6 year old kid...sounds like you got knocked up as a teenager, amiright? That's pretty young and some pretty stressful circumstances to make an informed decision about the rest of your life. Get yourself a good job, take care of your kid, and stand on your own two feet. Whether you want to stay with him or not will become clearer.0
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The wont get married thing would be a deal breaker for me and not just because I'd want to be married. Marriage gives you certain legal rights and to me that's important when children are involved. I know a woman who had a child with a man and they didn't want to get married until "everyone" could get married ( she thought she was being so PC) fast forward to when she got pregnant....he refused to put her on his insurance so she had to figure out how to pay for their child to be born on her own. They live together but the house is in his name even though she contributes to the house payment and now guess what? Yep, they're having problems and she has NO rights whatsoever. Both people have to agree to having more kids definitely but if he couldn't even fully commit to me I'd be out of there. It is possible to raise your child together and be good parents without being together.0
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