Marriage - is it that important?

FerretBuellerr

Very interesting thread!

First, a little context: I've been in a committed and extremely rewarding relationship for the last (just over) 2 years. We've lived together through the majority of the relationship (something I would never recommend, but hey, it worked perfectly fine with no quarrels for us!), so marriage is something that's been talked about semi-frequently.

I want to get married to him, not because of religious reasons, or because it's "normal/what's right," but because I love him and his family and want to be a part of it - I want to proudly show the world that I belong to him and he belongs to me. Changing my last name is the signifier IMO of that commitment. Do I think it would fundamentally change our relationship? No - we already share a living space, have bought a car together, and share financial and household responsibilites. I think it solidifies the commitment, since it becomes more difficult and messy to get out of.

I also find it kind of humorous how some of those who responded that it "is a waste of money" or something along those lines. I do agree that a $10 000+ ceremony and reception is completely unnecessary to show your committment to another, but no one ever said you have to have a crazy extravagant wedding and reception! I know I don't plan on having one, because (as much as I'd like my magical fairy-tale wedding with my princess dress) I know the money could be better used elsewhere.

whierd

While I am not religious, I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I personally find it important from a traditional standpoint and a legal standpoint.

However, I do not find it important in the context of committment. I think that it really changes nothing in a relationship, especially if you are already living together and have children. At that point you are only doing it for a piece of paper.

I don't know about that ...

I've lived with someone for nearly nine years. We don't have kids together, but we both have kids. We're starting to talk marriage and it's kind of scary. We're definitely committed. It isn't just a piece of paper.

But I don't think you can understand that until you live it because the idea didn't scare me until it started becoming reality.

Once you are married, you will feel and act exactly the same. You might feel happy and squishy on the inside a bit, but I rather doubt it will do anything, in and of itself, to enrich your relationship.

just curious, are you married?

Nope.

I did not want to assume that to be the case, but I pretty much suspected as much. And to be honest, before I was married, I felt much the same way. However, marriage DOES enrich your relationship in a way that is very hard to describe. I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I knew by your comments that you weren't married. Please be aware that this is in no way intended to belittle your point of view. As I said, I felt much the same way before I was married.

Read the posters who are married and substantiated what I said.:P

Some agreed and others didn't.

So, it seems it comes down to the person and maybe it's all about your personal view of marriage that matters. Mine is pretty serious, so I think I will feel different.

I am curious now if religious views have played a part in whether someone feels marriage has enriched their relationship or not. I wish we could do polls here.

lporter229

While I am not religious, I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I personally find it important from a traditional standpoint and a legal standpoint.

However, I do not find it important in the context of committment. I think that it really changes nothing in a relationship, especially if you are already living together and have children. At that point you are only doing it for a piece of paper.

I don't know about that ...

I've lived with someone for nearly nine years. We don't have kids together, but we both have kids. We're starting to talk marriage and it's kind of scary. We're definitely committed. It isn't just a piece of paper.

But I don't think you can understand that until you live it because the idea didn't scare me until it started becoming reality.

Once you are married, you will feel and act exactly the same. You might feel happy and squishy on the inside a bit, but I rather doubt it will do anything, in and of itself, to enrich your relationship.

just curious, are you married?

Nope.

I did not want to assume that to be the case, but I pretty much suspected as much. And to be honest, before I was married, I felt much the same way. However, marriage DOES enrich your relationship in a way that is very hard to describe. I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I knew by your comments that you weren't married. Please be aware that this is in no way intended to belittle your point of view. As I said, I felt much the same way before I was married.

Read the posters who are married and substantiated what I said.:P

I am honestly surprised by this. Maybe it was that I was a bit cynical about the concept of marriage before I actually was married. I mostly got married because I wanted to have a family and having that foundation for my children was important to me. As it turns out, we were not able to have children. But I can honestly say that our relationship has been strengthened in ways I could never have imagined before we were married. I guess it also goes back to the fact that deep down in I agree with the posted who said marriage= commitment. Lack of marriage=lack of commitment.

ETA: in answer to your question above, no, it has nothing to do with religion in my case. It has more to do with the idea of committing your life to somebody. And taking that commitment seriously.

LosinItAll2012

While I am not religious, I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I personally find it important from a traditional standpoint and a legal standpoint.

However, I do not find it important in the context of committment. I think that it really changes nothing in a relationship, especially if you are already living together and have children. At that point you are only doing it for a piece of paper.

I don't know about that ...

I've lived with someone for nearly nine years. We don't have kids together, but we both have kids. We're starting to talk marriage and it's kind of scary. We're definitely committed. It isn't just a piece of paper.

But I don't think you can understand that until you live it because the idea didn't scare me until it started becoming reality.

Once you are married, you will feel and act exactly the same. You might feel happy and squishy on the inside a bit, but I rather doubt it will do anything, in and of itself, to enrich your relationship.

just curious, are you married?

Nope.

I did not want to assume that to be the case, but I pretty much suspected as much. And to be honest, before I was married, I felt much the same way. However, marriage DOES enrich your relationship in a way that is very hard to describe. I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I knew by your comments that you weren't married. Please be aware that this is in no way intended to belittle your point of view. As I said, I felt much the same way before I was married.

Read the posters who are married and substantiated what I said.:P

Some agreed and others didn't.

So, it seems it comes down to the person and maybe it's all about your personal view of marriage that matters. Mine is pretty serious, so I think I will feel different.

I am curious now if religious views have played a part in whether someone feels marriage has enriched their relationship or not. I wish we could do polls here.

As posted earlier... Since being married... for me... it is more than a piece of paper.... and religion does not affect my view.

hedgiie

for people who are happily married than they will answer it's important

for people who's not in happy relationship and who experience difficulties then they will answer, no, it's not important

wolverine66

While I am not religious, I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I personally find it important from a traditional standpoint and a legal standpoint.

However, I do not find it important in the context of committment. I think that it really changes nothing in a relationship, especially if you are already living together and have children. At that point you are only doing it for a piece of paper.

I don't know about that ...

I've lived with someone for nearly nine years. We don't have kids together, but we both have kids. We're starting to talk marriage and it's kind of scary. We're definitely committed. It isn't just a piece of paper.

But I don't think you can understand that until you live it because the idea didn't scare me until it started becoming reality.

Once you are married, you will feel and act exactly the same. You might feel happy and squishy on the inside a bit, but I rather doubt it will do anything, in and of itself, to enrich your relationship.

just curious, are you married?

Nope.

I did not want to assume that to be the case, but I pretty much suspected as much. And to be honest, before I was married, I felt much the same way. However, marriage DOES enrich your relationship in a way that is very hard to describe. I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I knew by your comments that you weren't married. Please be aware that this is in no way intended to belittle your point of view. As I said, I felt much the same way before I was married.

Read the posters who are married and substantiated what I said.:P

Some agreed and others didn't.

So, it seems it comes down to the person and maybe it's all about your personal view of marriage that matters. Mine is pretty serious, so I think I will feel different.

just for clarification, are you insinuating that I don't take marriage seriously because I didn't feel like much changed?

GeorgieLove708

for people who are happily married than they will answer it's important

for people who's not in happy relationship and who experience difficulties then they will answer, no, it's not important

Not true at all. My marriage is a very happy one. I still feel marriage is not important, it was necessary due to our situation in life, but not important.

rml_16

While I am not religious, I am a bit of a traditionalist, so I personally find it important from a traditional standpoint and a legal standpoint.

However, I do not find it important in the context of committment. I think that it really changes nothing in a relationship, especially if you are already living together and have children. At that point you are only doing it for a piece of paper.

I don't know about that ...

I've lived with someone for nearly nine years. We don't have kids together, but we both have kids. We're starting to talk marriage and it's kind of scary. We're definitely committed. It isn't just a piece of paper.

But I don't think you can understand that until you live it because the idea didn't scare me until it started becoming reality.

Once you are married, you will feel and act exactly the same. You might feel happy and squishy on the inside a bit, but I rather doubt it will do anything, in and of itself, to enrich your relationship.

just curious, are you married?

Nope.

I did not want to assume that to be the case, but I pretty much suspected as much. And to be honest, before I was married, I felt much the same way. However, marriage DOES enrich your relationship in a way that is very hard to describe. I guess the only way I can explain it is to say that I knew by your comments that you weren't married. Please be aware that this is in no way intended to belittle your point of view. As I said, I felt much the same way before I was married.

Read the posters who are married and substantiated what I said.:P

Some agreed and others didn't.

So, it seems it comes down to the person and maybe it's all about your personal view of marriage that matters. Mine is pretty serious, so I think I will feel different.

just for clarification, are you insinuating that I don't take marriage seriously because I didn't feel like much changed?

No. Just that it has a diffeent meaning to you than to me.

bethanytowell

1st, I am married. 2nd. I dont think a ring and a peice of paper matter at all.

Myself and my husband dont wear our wedding rings, we have them, just dont wear them. People ask me often why I dont wear one and the answer is always the same...

If a metal circle is all that you have holding your marriage together, you have bigger problems

Just my 0.02

richardheath

Personally, when I got married, yes it was important. The legal aspects were nice, but knowing that you had married someone you were going to spend the rest of your life with was nice too. I was 30 and didn't enter into lightly.

Fast forward 13 years, and after 3 kids with her, we are divorced.

Forward a little to today, and I am with a very nice person I love a lot, but marriage isn't on the cards. Neither of us want to go there again. Maybe one day we will, but both of us are too close to our respective divorces to want to do that again right now.

On a societal level, I do think marriage has it's place. First off, there are hospital visitation rights for the spouse, as well as tax and other financial benefits. To give these rights and benefits to some couples but to deny them to other couples merely because of their gender is inhumane. I do also think that kids do best with two parents (at least! It takes a village). Plus some people just want to be together and want to get married. Oh, and I guess some people have religious reasons for doing so as well. I wouldn't know about that.

On the flip side, most humans appear to have a basic requirement for serial monogamy, but of course there are variations. Polyamory, polygamy, polyandry all exist. Some people have "open" marriages. There should be room for these sorts of relationships too, between consenting adults. Of course - that might really confuse the tax laws...

ChristinaOrtiz23

extremely important to me!!!

Vivian06703188

only for tax reasons and health insurance. commitment is much more important and you don't necessarily need marriage for that.

Marriage is commitment. Lack of marriage = lack of commitment.

People who don't want to get married don't want to make a commitment to stay beside you. I have been married twice and was very committed in both, however, my husbands were not committed and had affairs. I was always the one to make sacrifices, working, cooking, cleaning and taking care of them. I made life too easy for them. I ended the relationships. I didn't need them for the money and didn't see the point of sticking with someone who wasn't faithful to me. I am single now and don't have any plans on getting married again. I date, I have fun, on my terms, but it would really take someone special to make me consider marriage again. I just don't see it happening.

ChristinaOrtiz23

only for tax reasons and health insurance. commitment is much more important and you don't necessarily need marriage for that.

Marriage is commitment. Lack of marriage = lack of commitment.

People who don't want to get married don't want to make a commitment to stay beside you. I have been married twice and was very committed in both, however, my husbands were not committed and had affairs. I was always the one to make sacrifices, working, cooking, cleaning and taking care of them. I made life too easy for them. I ended the relationships. I didn't need them for the money and didn't see the point of sticking with someone who wasn't faithful to me. I am single now and don't have any plans on getting married again. I date, I have fun, on my terms, but it would really take someone special to make me consider marriage again. I just don't see it happening.

good for you girl!!!! you rock!!

kenyonl85

legalized gay marriage for the win!

Unknown

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devil_in_a_blue_dress

for people who are happily married than they will answer it's important

for people who's not in happy relationship and who experience difficulties then they will answer, no, it's not important

Not true at all.

Unknown

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kyleekay10

I'm currently going through a divorce, but marriage was, and still is, very important to me. I just want to do it right next time.

michellemybelll

no. it's really, really not. it puts unnecessary pressure on what might be an otherwise happy, love-filled relationship. i almost feel bad for the men and women who are so desperate to get married - those who see it as the be all and end all of life's happiness.

i find marriage pointless and trite. i have never been married, and plan to live happily unmarried for the remainder of my life :flowerforyou:

mank32

if i ever decide to committ myself fully and unreservedly for life to another person, *i* for one don't need anyone other than that person working with me on how we ought to conduct ourselves, throw a party about it, talk to our families about it, enter into legal contracts about it, whathaveyou. i really don't care what anyone else has to say on the subject--only that person and me get to decide. having not met that person yet, it's a little premature to talk about what we would be doing in that regard.

Timshel_

The relationship is important to me in building a life and raising kids with my wife.
Marriage is important to me because I am spiritual.

Beyond that, to each their own.

FixIngMe13

Not to me