Marriage: Is it worth it?

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  • Willbenchforcupcakes
    Willbenchforcupcakes Posts: 4,955 Member
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    You sound like an ungrateful wench.

    I am a lot of things, but an ungrateful wench is not one of them. I have fought way too hard to know that I deserve better than what I was taught growing up was all I was worthy of. Abuse of any form is never acceptable, and trust me, if I could leave with my girls tonight, I would. As it stands, making plans to get out and with my girls.
  • RuthRW
    RuthRW Posts: 247 Member
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    I have been married for going on 14 yrs.....
    Sometimes I do wonder if it is worth it.....

    There are good times and there are bad times......
    And plenty of times I don't think she wants to be in it......

    I guess I have yet to make a final decision.......
    Wish there was some magical book or something that has all the answers. :bigsmile:

    ^^^ if you ever find that magical book.. let me knw.. lol ;)

    Please loan the book to me when you are through, I need it.
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
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    I read that completely wrong at the end sorry :/

    My husband has been my best friend since I was 14. We do everything together. Yes we fight all friends do and spouses as well. It is hard work and it is very rewarding.
  • stringbeann
    stringbeann Posts: 84
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    i feel like couples need to remember to say yes to eachother more often! If both parties are being the giver then things work out a lot better!
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    sounds like your being selfish OP sometimes after a long time you just don't to it happens to everyone at some point.

    My husband has been my best friend since I was 14. We do everything together. Yes we fight all friends do and spouses as well. It is hard work and it is very rewarding.

    How is she being selfish? I read her OP a totally different way, that her marriage has come to a good place and she is trying to see why some people don't see it the same way.
    i only say this because I often ask the same question - why are others unhappy? How can I avoid that/can I avoid that?
  • CharleePear
    CharleePear Posts: 1,948 Member
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    Been married, now divorced, but although I married the wrong person, I can say with my whole heart that I love marriage! What's not to love? For those who can't see the difference between marriage and living with someone, there is one. Apart from the fact I believe that marriage is a covenant with each other and God, I also know that it has a beauty to it that surpasses that of living together. I have done both before. I do want to get married again. This time to someone who is my friend as well as partner.
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    i feel like couples need to remember to say yes to eachother more often! If both parties are being the giver then things work out a lot better!

    You might be right....
    But there does need to be some mutual respect between the two people.
    Sadly that is not always the case.
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
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    sounds like your being selfish OP sometimes after a long time you just don't to it happens to everyone at some point.

    My husband has been my best friend since I was 14. We do everything together. Yes we fight all friends do and spouses as well. It is hard work and it is very rewarding.

    How is she being selfish? I read her OP a totally different way, that her marriage has come to a good place and she is trying to see why some people don't see it the same way.
    i only say this because I often ask the same question - why are others unhappy? How can I avoid that/can I avoid that?

    misread it sorry lol I am not sure why no more talking and reading
  • tottie06
    tottie06 Posts: 259 Member
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    Aww this is so touching!!! Love it.
  • tiggerhammon
    tiggerhammon Posts: 2,211 Member
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    This is a good topic. I have been married 19 years and am not attracted to my wife we have 3 girls together my youngest is 13, anyway. I have tried several times to leave but got the guilt trip and I couldn't just walk out and leave her to have to deal with everything. I want to see her with someone who can love her the same way. I just can't. Last time I said I wanted out she told me she had a dream that she was on her motorcycle and drove it into a semi truck on the highway. She has completely let herself go she doesn't care how she looks she is not the same person I married 19 years ago. she is about 200=+ lbs and I have tried to help her lose wgt but she just doesn't put in any effort. We get along great we never fight Im just not attracted to her. I pretty much work 40-50 hours a week in overtime because I would rather be here than home.. My biggest thing is seeing her break down when I say I want out

    This is so sad. I am so sorry. I can totally see you sitting this out for the sake of your children. And, if your wife is in this kind of sad mental state, it is probably best. They need someone stable. I truly hope you find the courage to leave in 5 years when the children are no longer the reason.
  • fitmusiclifeviola
    fitmusiclifeviola Posts: 99
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    I love being married. It's a symbol of our commitment to one another, and that commitment is a profound statement of love for us. It touches my heart almost every day. I really could not imagine my life without her. Without marriage both of us would worry more, and probably be less happy in the world. We both do our own inner work to make sharing space and being a team more fruitful.
    My mom read a book once about how all relationships create a downward spiral of decreasing 'value' for each person. Except for us, our lives are much better after 6+ years together, even on superficial levels. There are a lot of crap social expectations around being in a relationship, though. I feel grateful to have found someone who values similar things, and who is open to expanding her world view as she does mine.

    To everyone single, I would say be yourself, and if you're looking for a partner, be the person who you would attract the partner you want. But of course, you can't control who you meet, and who they have met previously, so you have to know you may not get it.

    Lastly, I was clear I wanted to find a partner to have a few kids, which I believe is more common/(i.e. easier) than those not so clear on the subject.

    May you be happy!
  • biorach
    biorach Posts: 60 Member
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    Depends on what you want. A figurative ball and chain that you cannot detach from without losing half (or more) of your assets OR a significant other that you can leave and keep your assets :) I'm a total pessimist and believe that one or both parties in a relationship are eventually going to do something to warrant a separation. The reason my grandparents are still together after 40 something years is because they put up with one another's nonsense and/or turn a blind eye. I for one am completely unwilling to "put up" with any nonsense from a partner.
    Then you have marriage... which derived from religious ceremony (according to anthropology). Marriage has some good qualities but in today's America, boys and girls are being raised in a society that promotes lying, cheating, stealing, and violence through TV, movies, and music. I can't expect someone to be honest anymore, so how could I expect someone to be faithful?

    Wow. So jaded for someone so young. I'm sorry you haven't had good examples in your life. I don't raise my children to support lying, cheating, stealing or violence (and the TV doesn't raise them either). Yes, some people lie, but I honestly believe that "most" people are good honest people. I definitely believe my husband is, or I wouldn't have married him. My grandparents stayed together 60 years because they loved each other and supported each other. It wasn't easy (we found divorce papers, signed but never filed, when we cleaned out their house) but at the end they were each others everything. My grandfather was crushed when she died first, calling her his "bride" at the funeral.

    Young, yes. Jaded, ehh not generally. I'm just pessimistic when it comes to human behavior, more specifically honesty and morality. To clarify, I didn't mean that the media raises our kids even though I made it sound that way! lol What I meant is that our social behavior is 100% learned and people are just not raising their children like they used to. Media, politics, and finance (the only 3 coming to mind at this moment) are consumed in lies. Ok, so your kids aren't exposed to dishonesty but eventually they will be exposed to people who were.... It's a snowball effect. Even if we raise our kids to have morals and be honest, we can't usually shield them from all outside influences. I've absolutely never known my mother to lie and so I believe that it is possible to be honest. I Just can't EXPECT it anymore, at least with my generation. I am positive that there are honest, benevolent people in this world but I don't necessarily want to take any more chances with my emotional or intimate stability. I learned my lesson after 3 years of having "faith".
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss and it's great that they had a good life together :)

    The first point I wanted to make was that married or not, your assets can still be at stake. I am in Canada, but I am aware that many states also recognize common law in the same respect so the fact you aren't legally married isn't exactly a factor. Now, tax wise, etc, it may be a different story. I'm talking asset wise.

    The other point, I do see your point. I am pretty cynical. In my line of work, I see the worst of people on a daily basis. I deal with break ups on a regular basis. I see a lot of the bad stuff, the lying, cheating, etc. I prefer to think that there is still hope, that there are relationships like some have described here but its hard when you see so much, like how bad are the odds stacked against me. I am still a newlywed so I guess time will tell with me. I know most people don't go into it with the idea of breaking up and we have made that committment to each other. I love my husband. I can't imagine anyone else who I could spend my life with. He gets me, my good, but more importantly, my bad. We are best friends, as trite as that sounds, however, marriage still scares me.

    I really don't know the laws for each state regarding common law (and I know nothing about Cananda's) however my sister in Ohio lived with a man for 17+- years and they were legally married under common law. When they split, they just moved into separate houses. No divorce, no mediation... I'm not positive how that works but I don't think it is as concrete as an actual marriage certificate.
    I wish you and your husband the best of luck and perpetual happiness! :)
  • bumblebreezy91
    bumblebreezy91 Posts: 520 Member
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    I've been happily cohabiting with my long-term boyfriend for over eight months and we've talked marriage. I would be incredibly happy to have him put a ring on it! :)
  • staplebug
    staplebug Posts: 189
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    I loved reading this post. So many people complain about spouses (not just here, but everywhere) and it's nice to see someone who is happy in their marriage. I've been married for 3 1/2 years and we are about to have our first child. I know having children is going to be difficult for our marriage, but we are optimistic and already in a good place.
  • alisonlynn1976
    alisonlynn1976 Posts: 929 Member
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    It's not for me. I just don't think it's necessary. It's a religious thing originating from the idea that a woman is property that is transferred from her father to her husband. I can make emotional commitments without that. Plus, I'm not interested in monogamy anyway, so that makes marriage seem all the more pointless.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    I really don't know the laws for each state regarding common law (and I know nothing about Cananda's) however my sister in Ohio lived with a man for 17+- years and they were legally married under common law. When they split, they just moved into separate houses. No divorce, no mediation... I'm not positive how that works but I don't think it is as concrete as an actual marriage certificate.
    I wish you and your husband the best of luck and perpetual happiness! :)

    I wasn't really clear, I was referring to the point of assets being at stake. Yes, you are right, without the marriage certificate you can just separate and when you both agree to division of assets. In a marriage you can pretty much do the same thing, except you still have to legally divorce.
    However, if you both don't agree to the division of assets, that's where I am coming from. Assuming they owned a home, your sister would have been entitled to part of the value of the home and other assets whether they were married or not. Obviously they worked it out themselves. Married couples can as well.
  • MeanderingMammal
    MeanderingMammal Posts: 7,866 Member
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    Tell me some good things about being married!

    It needn't be a life sentence. Made the mistake once, got betrayed, won't be making the mistake again
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    This post was in response to one asking if divorce was worth it, but it was just to show that marriages or similar long term relationships can be good too. I wasn't implying that all marriages are good and that all people need to stay married no matter the circumstances.

    I'm glad to see a lot of others are happily married as well. :flowerforyou:
  • dcarr67
    dcarr67 Posts: 1,403
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    I will be married 24 years in December. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage but it is so worth it. It isn't perfect and sometimes you have to make sacrifices but that is what love is all about. I am fortunate to have a wonderful wife and even more fortunate she puts up with me:laugh:
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    This is a good topic. I have been married 19 years and am not attracted to my wife we have 3 girls together my youngest is 13, anyway. I have tried several times to leave but got the guilt trip and I couldn't just walk out and leave her to have to deal with everything. I want to see her with someone who can love her the same way. I just can't. Last time I said I wanted out she told me she had a dream that she was on her motorcycle and drove it into a semi truck on the highway. She has completely let herself go she doesn't care how she looks she is not the same person I married 19 years ago. she is about 200=+ lbs and I have tried to help her lose wgt but she just doesn't put in any effort. We get along great we never fight Im just not attracted to her. I pretty much work 40-50 hours a week in overtime because I would rather be here than home.. My biggest thing is seeing her break down when I say I want out

    Have you tried to encourage her to seek treatment for depression? Not that it would make you want to stay but it would be better for everyone including your children.

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