Self Hate -- Weekend Rant

I_Will_End_You

OP, just go for the hot girl instead of the guy. Easy solution.

I like where this is going...

littleburgy

To be honest the thin model girl making her weight comments probably has her own issues especially in her business of presenting and modeling, they face constant scrutiny and she probably wants to be viewed as relatable.

I find this guy's behavior just a little odd. He's obviously not interested in anything but friendship. But if I were the OTHER girl being invited and paid for, I'd be a little confused that he invited another cute female acquaintance (OP!) Unless this was some big platonic get together where as far as he's concerned, everyone is just friends, there's no dating in the mix and there's some social context I'm missing out on.

Either way.... forget about him. Maybe he's a perfectly nice dude, but it sounds like he just considers you a friend.

Work on yourself, keep working on not beating yourself down. CONFIDENCE is SEXY! A lot of men will go for a woman with a little more to love when she's the one who sparkles and has self confidence.

WhiteRabbit1313

He asked for the checks to be seperate ... he paid for hers and his and I paid for mine.

Well, imo, that's just rude. He invited you both out, so he should pay for both, or neither. Then again, I might be missing something in the equation?

Well, he did just invite her to watch football. It sounds like this was him meeting a friend to a watch a football game with his date.

OP might just have to let this one go, because he does not seem to be into you the way you are for him. And you might just keep setting yourself up for more hurt feelings.

Give your attention and time to a man that is interested in you.

That's true. I forgot it was a football gathering.

loneaffliction

I've always been the same way. The homegirl type that gets along better with all the guys, relates to them better, turns to humor to fit in. I read this and completely understood your thought process.

But when we feel insecure about ourselves, we make a lot of assumptions, and it's usually those things that make us most unattractive.

First of all, you're gorgeous. Like, I'm jealous. You can't see that, but you have to realize that not everyone is going to be as focused on your weight as you are.

This girl, who called attention to her own weight and worked so hard to look cute? Did you ever think that maybe she was just as insecure? Everyone experiences unhappiness with their bodies for one reason or another. Maybe she wasn't trying to be the center of attention or point out that she was skinner than you. Maybe she was uncomfortable and jealous of you. Maybe she was thinking about how she was hungry and wished she could indulge but would feel too guilty or embarrassed because it doesn't fit with the image that's normally conveyed of her. Maybe she's worked just as hard to get to the weight that she has. One thing I've learned here, from friends, is that everyone has their own struggle. You don't know where they came from, what they've been through. There are people here who were 400 pounds that could fit in her size 2. You learn to give people the benefit of the doubt when you take things like that into account. Maybe she's struggled with weight and body issues her whole life. Maybe she feels unnecessarily fat because she looks in the mirror and doesn't see her ideal body.

Also, as far as paying for her, maybe she just couldn't pay her own way. Doesn't mean that he considered it a date with her and not with you. You said they were friends. Without knowing the nature of that relationship, you can't really look to the reasons why.

What you need to do: Realize that while you want to feel like the "girl" that guys think is beautiful or cute and worthy of all of that attention that the guy that is right for you won't be interested in whether or not you wore a cute dress and had your hair and nails done. He's going to like that you are a football fanatic and that you can relax and have fun with him. He's going to love you for YOURSELF. Which is the one thing you haven't learned to do yet. It's hard to break out of that instinct to feel competitive, to cut someone down when you feel threatened by them, especially considering that he kind of blindsided you by inviting her when you basically thought it was a date or the precedent to one. But you'll make a better impression if you just be yourself. Relax. Eat because you enjoy food. Watch the game and get just involved as you would be if no one was there. Realize that the only person scrutinizing your weight or how baggy your clothes are is you. Because your personality will be what wins people over. Your confidence in yourself, even if you don't love everything you see. Ummm....in a few months, same guy's going to see this absolutely beautiful girl who's worked damn hard to lose weight and looks gooooood. But you know what? As you get smaller and smaller, people aren't going to see the girl who used to be big and insecure. They won't care as much about your personality. They'll see the cute, skinny girl, and they probably won't see past that at first. They won't see your hard work or your sense of humor or the really beautiful girl inside. It's not an easy thing to learn or a habit that's easy to break, always caring what people think of your appearance, some people can never do it, but think about that next time. That the people who truly matter, who are worth it, are going to love what's inside, not out. Yes, it is very important to be healthy, to become a person that you can love, but you said it yourself in the very title. Right now, all you have is self hate. The things that you immediately downplayed about yourself are the things that most people love the most. Do you want the guy that's going to value you for looking cute or the guy that's going to watch football with you and have a beer?

Also, give yourself a break. When you get stressed/overwhelmed/anxious, try not to turn to food, but realize that if you do, it's not the end of the world. You didn't eat enough to even gain a pound, and even if it held back your progress for the week, it's something that you can make up for in a matter of days, hours, minutes.

Bottom line, try not to be so critical of yourself, or of others. Sounds like it wouldn't be such a bad idea to befriend this chick. You might even learn something from her or find that you have a lot in common when it comes to how you feel about yourself.

If the guy's worth it, he'll like that you weren't so self conscious that you couldn't eat what you wanted and have a few drinks. He'll like that you got so excited about the game. He'll like that you dressed how you felt comfortable. Maybe he'll go for the "cute" girl, but if he's only in for superficial attraction when he maybe has a better connection with you, he's not the one for you.

You may not feel good about yourself now, but how many people try to better themselves? How many people work hard to look and feel beautiful instead of accepting their displeasure with themselves? It seems daunting when you've only lost a little bit of weight, but from the sound of it, you've already lost a fair amount. Your clothes are getting looser! Soon, you'll be buying a new wardrobe and feeling more confident about your appearance. You might look in the mirror and see the fat girl that can poke fun at herself and make people laugh. But look instead for the strong, determined, beautiful woman who won't lay down without a fight. You'll be happier when you find her.

csmullins78

Aw, honey, I completely understand. I've been there, and here's what I've learned: self confidence is sexy. Period.

I'm also reading this great book on Buddhism and the writer discusses being kind to ourselves and others, and not letting your bad emotions get the best of you. It's called "A Buddhist Walks into a Bar" and it's actually interesting (and many mindfulness/Buddhism/self-help books are boring as heck).

jlapey

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. Chalk it up to lesson learned and next time, don't do that! The difference between you and this woman, for him, may not have been size. It may have been confidence. I don't know what this other woman looks like (other than what you say), but judging from your profile picture, I think you are a beautiful woman. OWN IT!!!

BossLadyDSimp

Thanks everyone ... I have been sick for days so i really couldnt reply.

J actually asked me out again and has been checking on me this entire time ive been sick ... IDK what that means but I am going to go with it.

D wrote me the other day and say hi ... it was all very weird but i have taken really good lessons on how to work on myself and that is what is most important.

I like ALL the comments ...

asianmonkie

As long as you learn from your mistakes instead of beating yourself up over it. Hope your second hang out will go much better. We're all rooting for you

TR0berts

Thanks everyone ... I have been sick for days so i really couldnt reply.

J actually asked me out again and has been checking on me this entire time ive been sick ... IDK what that means but I am going to go with it.

D wrote me the other day and say hi ... it was all very weird but i have taken really good lessons on how to work on myself and that is what is most important.

I like ALL the comments ...

Re: J - It means he's your friend. From the other things you've described, that's it. Friends check up on friends when they're sick. And they like to hang out together.

He's likely oblivious to your feelings on the whole matter. Seeing as how the two of you are friends, tell him. If, as we suspect, he's not interested, it may be awkward for a while. But, if you're as good friends as it seems, time will likely heal any wounds.

tcunbeliever

...the worst part was that I WAS THE ONE MAKING MYSELF FELL WORSE. I have always talked down about myself even as a child. I do it in the hopes that if I poke fun at myself other wont or it won’t hurt as much when they do. I was talking so badly about myself in front of J and D; it wasn’t a good look at all.

Old habits die hard...no matter how much weight you lose you will never be happy with YOU until you stop being your own worst enemy...don't sweat the meal, don't fret about being hard on yourself in the past...do resolve to make better choices starting right now...do resolve to like yourself right now...

mockchoc

Thanks everyone ... I have been sick for days so i really couldnt reply.

J actually asked me out again and has been checking on me this entire time ive been sick ... IDK what that means but I am going to go with it.

D wrote me the other day and say hi ... it was all very weird but i have taken really good lessons on how to work on myself and that is what is most important.

I like ALL the comments ...

He thinks of you as a friend and her as something he wants to bonk otherwise why would he pay for her and not you? That is just wrong. It's fine if he pays for neither of you or both but why just one? Your heart is going to be broken.. you should keep him at arms length as a friend only.

emilyc85

Don't say things to yourself that you would never say to a friend. You are worth just as much as everyone. You are in no way inferior because you are at a different weight than someone else.

This is a really great piece of advice, thank you!! I have problems with feeling bad and putting myself down on occasion. I try not to, but when we are with my husband's friend's, I am the second largest significant other. The largest, just had a baby, so I don't really count her I need to get that out of my head because my husband chose me and has never once compared me to someone else, he always compares them to me!

We all just need to be nicer to ourselves!!

BossLadyDSimp

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

Hauntinglyfit

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

sjohnny

You should definitely let him know that you were only crazy because you were on your period. Always blame Tom. Guys don't know how to counter that.

BL_Coleman

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

Boys are Nuts!

Now it would depend on thier relationship if I thought the interaction bt them was weird. Are they good friends/Has she had a disorder or something where he knows she might be insecure? If so, his actions make sense.

Also mesage her ( she seems like she needs a friend) and honeslty if she is sweet and pretty and nice, those qualities are hard to come by in friends.

kyleekay10

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

This.

It's sounding more and more like he's keeping you on the back burner. A "in case of emergency" gal.

Don't let yourself be that girl.

jofjltncb6

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

This.

It's sounding more and more like he's keeping you on the back burner. A "in case of emergency" gal.

Don't let yourself be that girl.

Don't listen to her. She's just making a play for your man.

Kyleekay, you'd better check yourself.

kyleekay10

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

This.

It's sounding more and more like he's keeping you on the back burner. A "in case of emergency" gal.

Don't let yourself be that girl.

Don't listen to her. She's just making a play for your man.

Kyleekay, you'd better check yourself.

Jof! Don't ruin my plan!

firstsip

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

Idk, he's sounding fishy. Go for the hot chick.

kyleekay10

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

Idk, he's sounding fishy. Go for the hot chick.

You want her to go for YOU? Would hubby be okay with that??





Oh wait. I see what you meant. :bigsmile:

sjohnny

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

Idk, he's sounding fishy. Go for the hot chick.

We still haven't seen the instagram of the alleged hot chick. I'm withholding judgment until the evidence is presented.

BossLadyDSimp

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

THATS THE PLAN ... LOL

msmonique46

Very well-told story. Your venting is the best thing right now. We all need to do it from time to time. You said everything that you need to keep moving in a positive direction. So, no need for me to add on. God Bless!!!

PRMinx

This hit home... real hard. Reading this was like reading into my own life.

I completely disagree with everyone who is making D out to be a victim in the situation. This is just my opinion of course so don't stone me. Her lack of regard for OP's feelings when she said "OMG I need to lose weight," was just her sly way of fishing for compliments. Obviously the guys were already attracted to her and it just sounds like she was trying to rub it in OP's face. I have no pity for attention wh*res regardless if they think they're not doing anything wrong. Some girls are subconsciously attention wh*res... and that's why it's so hard to make lady friends.

[img]http://ed_wp-content_v2.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Colin_Farrel-Disgusted.gif[/img]

rml_16

When he asked to hang out again he said "just the two of us this time". He def knows how I feel ... last time we were out I told him that I was interested in dating him and he said that we were on the same page ... We both got really busy ... He said D is like his family and that he would never date her ... I told him to never put me in the friend/family box and he said I didnt have to worry about that ...

whether he likes me in that way or not ... I enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. I just need to not be so worried about what other people think and just be myself. When i first met him I thought he was married and he thought i was too ... we just hung out and had a good time. When we both found out we werent married thats when i started to see him a little differently.

Im out of my rage phase (being on my peroid really didnt help i am nutzo then) and back to normal ... Its not like there arent several people that are interested in me ... he just happens to be the only one i am currently interested in.

Either way ... this MFP is all about ME ... so that is what i am focusing on ... gotta love me before anyone else will

He's sending you mixed signals, imo.
But whatever, go out, have fun. Whatever happens, happens.
As long as you're smart enough not to let him play you.

This.

It's sounding more and more like he's keeping you on the back burner. A "in case of emergency" gal.

Don't let yourself be that girl.

Don't listen to her. She's just making a play for your man.

Kyleekay, you'd better check yourself.

Of course. That's how we women are -- always competing with each other for men and stuff. Can't trust us. Nope. Not at all.

hstoblish

You don't like women and they don't like you??:huh: Why would you say such a thing? That statement alone makes me feel that from the door you put yourself above and beyond other women.. You start the convo off as if your stuck up. Your just upset because it WASN'T ALL ABOUT YOU HUN... Seems like you don't like competition and get very uncomfortable around someone that you may feel take the lime light off of you... Get over yourself.. Maybe other woman don't like you from your introduction. :noway: It doesn't seem like your weight is THE TRUE ISSUE... Change the way you think baby girl, things can be a lot worse. Lose the weight and look Awesome for yourself not others..

THIS! When I hear this, I hear a few things: "I think I'm better than other women," "I can't get along with more than 50% of the human population," or "I don't want to even try to be your friend." Frankly, he could have brought his friend along so she can vet you. And you failed because of your attitude. She sounded nice to me and you would have come across better to him had you tried being friendly instead of competitive.

Hell, if you don't wind up dating him, you could have made a new friend and had a fun night out.

I feel like I'm beating up on you, but I am so sick of women treating each other like **** and then blaming other women for the problem. Notice how most of the responses here are from women trying to support you? That's what you're missing out on by avoiding women. We're actually pretty damn awesome.

ETA: Just read that she called to check up on you and that he asked you out again - perhaps you didn't come across nearly as badly as you thought you did. It sounds to me like you passed in her estimation and that maybe you have an opportunity to make a female friend. I really hope you give it a try, and subtly hint to her that calling yourself overweight to someone who weighs more than you isn't a good plan. Sounds like she needs a friend to tell her that.

PRMinx

Of course. That's how we women are -- always competing with each other for men and stuff. Can't trust us. Nope. Not at all.

Girls are the enemy. Didn't you get the memo?

rml_16

Of course. That's how we women are -- always competing with each other for men and stuff. Can't trust us. Nope. Not at all.

Girls are the enemy. Didn't you get the memo?

*looks sideways*

Are you talking to me? What are you after? You want my man and my shoes, don't you????

Mcmilligen

I think you realize all the problems in your attitude and self-hate, so I'm not going to lecture you.

We all have situations such as those, and they never are easy, but they do get easier with more self-acceptance.

For example, I am curvy. I always will be curvy, it's just how I'm built. I am short, yet have large boobs, thighs and butt. My boyfriend loves this about me, but I still manage to hate the fact that I don't fit in to a size 3 and have a perfect stomach. Now, he has a model-esque friend whom recently broke up wither her boyfriend. We've all hung out together, and it's sometimes even more difficult to handle because she's actually really awesome and nerdy at heart. But those comments ("ugh I need to lose weight! My muffin top is HUGE!" **pinches tiny bit of skin**) are HARD to take. Because they will never know the feeling of having a gut hang over your jeans while listening to a gorgeous insecure girl talk about her "fat".

The only way to make things better is to accept and love yourself, so you never have to feel bad. Learn to love your body, but more importantly the person beneath it. If you are around people who are only interested in superficial appearances, well, then perhaps you just need new friends.