Marriage vows.. why bother anymore?
Replies
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My husband and I are common law married. We signed a document at the county clerks office. We NEVER said any vows! I would never say any vows!! The fact that I said we are married is good enough for me. I like to rub it in his face when he says things like "well you are my wife so you should....." I just look at him and say "I didn't say any vows so you don't know what I should do...."0
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I see so many posts about people talking about leaving a spouse because "I am not happy anymore".
Do the promises made really mean that little anymore in todays society?
My vow was forever, and I'm sticking to it!0 -
HeheheheMy husband and I are common law married. We signed a document at the county clerks office. We NEVER said any vows! I would never say any vows!! The fact that I said we are married is good enough for me. I like to rub it in his face when he says things like "well you are my wife so you should....." I just look at him and say "I didn't say any vows so you don't know what I should do...."
Your logic! 0 -
This. That and contrary to popular belief, divorce rates are down and the 50% thing is statistically invalid.No. I just think they are more.....uncaring about what others think. Way back when they were just as unhappy, but stayed to save "face".
I am getting married in June. I take it seriously. At the same time, I would not want to be miserable for life for the sake of being able to say I didn't divorce like my parents or grandparents. If things went south, I would fight for it but there comes a point where I'd let it go.
People like my parents brag that they've been married for 40+ years and that draws a lot of congratulations and admiration but to me the REAL question is do you still really love each other after those 40+ years? I do know couples like that and feel sure that we will be one of them
It takes a lot more than saying some pretty words on a particular day though! 0 -
Because they mean something to me. My reasons are based more in religion than anything else. I knew I wanted kids someday, and I was raised in the line of thinking that my children would be the outward symbol of my marriage. A bond between two people that cannot be unbroken, because after all, that is what a child is, isn't it?
ETA: Besides the traditional vows that we said on our wedding day, we made promises to each other only known to us when he proposed.0 -
I was married the first time when I was 18. Not very long into it, I could honestly say that I could not imagine having to be married to him for the rest of my life. No way, no how. We divorced when I was 22.
I met my current husband when I was 23. He moved in almost immediately and we lived together for 18 months before we got married. The difference is that I could see myself being with him for the rest of my life. He was my best friend and soul mate. He still is 23+ years later. We've had some huge ups and downs, but we've pulled through and are even stronger today because of those ups and downs. I can still look at the future and see him in it always.
Sometimes we marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons. If we're lucky, we'll marry the right person for the right reasons.0 -
This just made me think of something there is a commercial on I think science channel hosted by james wood.
Anyways he asks something like can you imagine living forever, and being married to the same person?
My first answer was No. In a thousand lifetimes I'd probably have a thousand relationships.
Maybe that's what is happening humans in general are healthier, our life spans have increased, and even the lifetime of our fecundity has increased.
Is it possible it's not so much people just arent happy, but it's time to move onto the next life path? You grow, change, evolve, and sometimes fall out of love. Maybe it's just a natural progression to an increased life span?
I can't imagine being with anyone other than my husband. I always say that even in the afterlife, our souls will find each other because there is no other soul that can fill my heart, mind, and spirit as he does.0 -
Is it possible it's not so much people just arent happy, but it's time to move onto the next life path? You grow, change, evolve, and sometimes fall out of love. Maybe it's just a natural progression to an increased life span?
Except for one small fact: you cannot know that you loved someone until the end of your life. Love, like other virtues, is predictive, it is an assertion about the future, not a claim about the present.
Dafuq?0 -
I don't understand this at all. How is love predictive? Love is a feeling, feeling change. Love is not a promise, although promises are made by those in love. I personally think love is all about the present, and if in the present you don't love anymore, then it is a love for the past.
Brilliant.
Brilliant? :huh:
Pass that pipe. You must have something better...0 -
I don't understand this at all. How is love predictive? Love is a feeling, feeling change. Love is not a promise, although promises are made by those in love. I personally think love is all about the present, and if in the present you don't love anymore, then it is a love for the past.
Brilliant.
Brilliant? :huh:
Pass that pipe. You must have something better...
See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.0 -
It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear - Norm from Cheers0
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I don't worry too much about what other people do and don't really care...some people make mistakes and end up with someone they don't belong with...some people get hitched too early...some people just aren't meant for it...whatevs...it's no sweat off my back. I'm only worried about me and mine and take care of my family accordingly.0
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People are human. People make mistakes. It's a fact of life. Some people get married and are perfectly happy. Some people get married to people they didn't know were monsters and get abused. Some people just don't feel it anymore. I don't believe anyone should be with someone if they're not happy - especially if they're being abused.
Besides, why care what others are doing? Focus on YOU.0 -
That would differ with each individual. I spent years miserable and put up with a lot that I never should have for two reasons. One, because I have two kids and couldn't stand the thought of being a 2 weekend per month parent. And two, because I am a man of my word. If I give my word, I will walk through hell and b!tch slap the devil trying to keep it. That being said, when she decided to screw other guys, I felt I was morally released from any promise I made regarding staying with her.
And, if you are the religious type, Jesus agrees. See Matthew 19:9
This, I went through the same thing. I was miserable for years and to find out all along, he was cheating on me from the very beginning. Point is we rushed into things that should have taken years to develop. I am older now and much wiser, and one day I will find that guy that God intended for me to be with.. My two boys deserve to see their mommy happy.0 -
Do the promises made really mean that little anymore in todays society?
We've created such a me culture anymore, most people are too wrapped up in what they get out of a marriage to ever put anything in it. So for many, they will continue to find whatever, and whoever gives them the most personal satisfaction in the moment. Then move on to the easy fix.
This. this. and THIS.0 -
Honestly, I think you are just putting a negative connotation on the value of marriage, maybe because something went wrong in your marriage? Either way, just because some marriages do not last/work does not mean all marriages are pointless and lack value. I know of a lot of couples who have been together for years and are still happily married to this day. People make these "vow" because in that moment they honestly believe that they want to spend the rest of their lives with that person, but over the years, some people change. The person you fell inlove with might not be the same person you are married to ten or twenty years later. But that doesn't mean if you marry someone it wont last. My grandparents were together their entire lives, and they died side by side. My parents have been together since my mother was 17 and my dad was 19. They've been together for 26 years and they are still very much inlove. My best friend's parents have been together for 30 years, and my Ex-BF's parents have been together for 30 years too. I can write out a huge list of people I know who have been happily married for years. Some marriages work, some marriages don't work. It's not because these people are lying during their vows, it's because we can't predict the future, and if 20 years after you marry someone, and they completely change or you change, why spend the rest of your lives unhappy?0
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I think the culture is partially to blame.. the culture now is that everything is "throw away" dvd player is broken, toss it, get a new one. sneakers have a hole, toss em, get new ones. The days of fixing and patching to "make it last" are all but gone and I think that maybe leaked into cultural thinking with relationships and jobs, etc.. the "loyalty" factor isn't there anymore. It's too hard to work to fix it, I can just toss it and get another one when problems come up.
now, with that said, I agree, the old world values aren't there anymore either, people are living longer and the thought processes are fundementaly different from say 1920, 1875, etc.. (pick a year) so maybe we should treat it more like a contract that it is. It requires a license and sometimes blood test, why not a renewal date, BUT with some caveats, kids extend it for the good of the child, or pre existing conditions for contract expiration (who gets what or what the split is) ... hell looking at some people walking around these days... maybe applying for a parental license isn't a bad idea either.0 -
A bit of both I suppose.Such a heated topic.
People change, as do their values. Being judgmental will get you nowhere fast. It sounds more like you are making a statement/judgment, not being genuinely curious.
To me and from what I am observing, it does appear that people are getting divorced over petty things. (yes, that is judgemental).
However, the question would be "why"?
Is it because divorce is so easy today?
Is it because being divorced is somehow fashionable?
Is it because people enter into a marriage with the totally wrong expectations?0 -
That would differ with each individual. I spent years miserable and put up with a lot that I never should have for two reasons. One, because I have two kids and couldn't stand the thought of being a 2 weekend per month parent. And two, because I am a man of my word. If I give my word, I will walk through hell and b!tch slap the devil trying to keep it. That being said, when she decided to screw other guys, I felt I was morally released from any promise I made regarding staying with her.
And, if you are the religious type, Jesus agrees. See Matthew 19:9
I agree totally!!!!!! I had the same but he was the one screwing every skirt that moved in the area....... i hope you are as happy as I am since I left.0 -
Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe we should just enter into marriages like legal contracts that have to be legally terminated. I'm good with that. I don't think people should stay married when they are miserable. A lot of couples probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
HOWEVER. I've been with my husband 12 years, married 9.5 and we are very happy. Our vows are important to us and we plan on keeping them. But I'm not one to judge anyone else for not keeping theirs.
That's what marriages are technically...a contract. It does fall under contract law.
A contract is one way of describing a marriage. Another way is describing it is as a commitment to each other, before and with God. And that cannot ever be terminated by a contract. So it depends on what you view it to be.0 -
I don't understand this at all. How is love predictive? Love is a feeling, feeling change. Love is not a promise, although promises are made by those in love. I personally think love is all about the present, and if in the present you don't love anymore, then it is a love for the past.
Brilliant.
Brilliant? :huh:
Pass that pipe. You must have something better...
See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
THIS.. Also, love is a choice. You choose to love that person every day.0 -
Listening to so many people on this forum blame “divorcing” on our culture, and how different it is now, makes me cringe. I want everyone to take a minute and think of how many times you thought you were madly in love with someone? You thought you would do anything and everything for them, but in truth you were blinded by something else; maybe they were the first person to compliment you, maybe they were the most gorgeous man or women you’ve ever seen, maybe they woo’d you into believing they felt the same way. There are all these different reasons why you might think you are inlove with someone, so in a moment of insanity you marry them because you think you want to spend your entire life with them. A year later you realize you both hate everything about each other. You fight with them every single day, you never sleep together, you cannot stand the sight of the other person, but it’s the 1940’s and divorces are still shameful and looked down upon. You try everything to try and fix your marriage, but you two clash like poka dots and stripes. You spend the rest of your life unhappy, and miserable.
According you all of you people who think today’s “society” has ruined the value of marriage: I guess you would prefer this right: the inability to get a divorce and risk the chance of marrying the wrong person because you are blinded by lust? You have to remember, when you first meet someone you really like, your body releases chemicals that actually make you feel like you are high, gitty, happy, inlove – how can we know that those feelings we feel are actually just a chemical reaction that is occurring in our bodies, and that it has nothing to do with whether or not you can live with, love and get along with this person for the rest of your life?0 -
It is cute how you got up on your high horse and made this thread.
^^ QFT
High horse, low road replies...like people who judge people about judging.0 -
I don't understand this at all. How is love predictive? Love is a feeling, feeling change. Love is not a promise, although promises are made by those in love. I personally think love is all about the present, and if in the present you don't love anymore, then it is a love for the past.
Brilliant.
Brilliant? :huh:
Pass that pipe. You must have something better...
See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
I agree for the most part, but I would never have married my husband if I didn't love him already. It was when I fully realized that I loved him, that I agreed to commit to him for the rest of my life. After 20 years, my feelings are stronger than they were way back then. Love is a verb, but it is also a feeling. If you don't feel it, it isn't there.0 -
Ok, Here it goes.
Just finalized my second divorce. That said despite the evidence I am a huge believer in the permanence and sanctity of marriage. The problem is that both parties MUST have the same commitment to finding and creating a happy marriage, that is a tough combination. Anything short of that means that one or both parties will suffer through misery until they end the marriage. This can cut both ways.
Marriage 1: Ex had self esteem issues and thought the solution was to blame for everything wrong with his life. This was a youthful mistake. I should have taken the cue that before we married his parents were his scapegoats. Tried for 3 years to get him to stop this destructive cycle while he became a more and more toxic influence in my life and I left.
Marriage 2: I thought this was a great relationship. I had things I did not like about the relationship, but the good outweighed the bad and when something irritated me, thinking of the overall positives quickly dissipated the lingering clouds. Unfortunately, I discovered after 15 years (??!!) that my ex had been doing just the opposite. There were occasional breaks in the clouds, but he was holding on to the things that bothered him to such an extent that he was sinking into misery. Worse, he was hiding this misery so effectively that I cannot see the signs of it except in hindsight. Suddenly, the entrance into his life of a girl young enough to be our daughter, made him capable of actually expressing the misery he had been swallowing.
In each case both of these men were creators of their own misery. Only the first dumped that misery on me, but the second did me no favors by holding it in. I am horrified that, unknown to me, he turned me into the weapon he used to destroy himself. This is why embarking for the third time into dating, the first thing I want to discern is: Does this man know that ultimately his happiness depends on his internal process, and not what I can do for him. As much as I despise the people who leave a marriage for the tepid reason of I am just not happy anymore, I know they have not learned this important lesson in life yet either. I guess I would rather see that than the 15 years I wasted on someone who used me as an excuse to be unhappy.
Debbie0 -
See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
Nail on the head right there.0 -
I won't get too deep into this - however, I don't believe in sticking with someone for life if you're unhappy. People grow apart, people change, people get married for the wrong reason, people fall out of love, although it's tragic, it does happen. I believe that you have to fight with every ounce of your being to make it work before you walk away, but I don't believe you become a worthless person if walking away become your reality.0
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That's the [problem today. nobody stands by their promises anymore. Divorce is way to easy. I counsel younens, lol, on marriage and the best thing i can do is tell them it's like anything in life....You get out of it what you put into it. Life ain't a bopwl of cherries.
You can;t be with the same person for a long time without disagreements, it's how you solve them that counts. communication is the key!0 -
Just my 2 cents, as I am a wedding minister, but the very first question I ask couples when I interview them for the first time is "Why are you getting married?"
You'd be shocked at some if the reasons I hear.
Marinate on that for a bit. Did you ever ask yourself that question before you "tied the knot?"
(hint: "Because we are in love!" is the wrong answer.)0 -
Some interesting insights to how people view marriage.
I read a blog that shed a whole new light on marriage. It was simple and honest and wondered why I never thought of it that way before. Maybe many of you have already read it as it has gone viral, but for those of you that haven't, take a read. It's well worth it. :happy:
http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/
Read that the other day too and posted it on my wall here. Hits the core of my sentiment earlier.0
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