Marriage vows.. why bother anymore?

Adw7677

As a child that grew up in a house where my siblings and I wished our parents would have just separated already, I can tell you that staying together "for the children" is pretty pointless. Kids are smart, they know when their parents are miserable and it DOES affect them more than you know.

As an ex-wife I can tell you that sometimes you just have no idea what someone is like. Some people are really good at hiding themselves from you until they think they "have you". Leaving was the best thing I could have done for both my children and myself. I am not going to go into detail but I will say it was a very unhealthy relationship.

I respect those that find the "right one" the first time. I expect the same respect in return for realizing that I had not and making the tough decision to leave.

This is so true. But IMO, the question isn't related to people with your situation. I've seen a lot of posts lately where someone - who wasn't looking to leave - was hit on by a cute person, or saw someone cute, or someone smiled at them, and now they suddenly are talking about cheating on their spouse. And they come to these forums to.... I guess get permission that it would be okay? I don't know what they're thinking. There's also the people that are losing weight, but their spouse isn't, so they don't know if they love them anymore. That makes me furious! The spouse loved them when they were fat, but now they can't love their fat spouse. People who get married shouldn't be thinking about leaving/cheating just because someone lost weight or got winked at.

Adw7677

I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.

If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.

Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.

Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.

Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.

I have no issue with any of the points you've made. I think the tricky part is knowing what you want before you get married.

Excellent point. I believe people change every 7-8 years as well. That can make things difficult.

chunkydunk714

nobody wants to marry me :sad: but if i do happen to be ever so lucky ill be more than damn sure to try everything humanly possible to keep my marriage happy, passionate, alive...and strong. Granted I know its not going to be perfect and there will be struggles but ive been waiting so damn long for *him* ill cherish that relationship like no other )

I'd marry you but it would upset my wife.

haha yea, lets not upset the wifey.

Lady_Senie

I highly recommend second marriages. Marrying at a later stage in life (50) is so different to when you are in your 20's. My life was forever changed for the better the day we met.

..


So divorce my husband now and marry someone else?

No! Divorce your husband now and marry him again the next day! ^_^ That's what Chris and I plan to do! We've known each other since 1999 over the net (it's not what you think), did long distance for 4 years (1 year as his fiance) and in 2005, a year after living together (we were both virgins on our wedding night for those preparing to sling mud). Been happily married for 8 years and have a 4 year old too. It's not the words you say at the altar or in front of the justice of the peace that matter. Heck, it's not even the marriage itself that matters. The real work of a marriage starts the day after. We've had problem to work through, and yes, we've each had our selfish times. Marriage isn't 50/50, the numbers move and there are times when each of you is carrying the heavier part. It's that willingness to carry it at different times that makes the difference.

Also, marriage should not be equated automatically to sex. 'Cause sex life down does not equal automatic divorce. We've come a LONG way from primates after all. Two people getting along involves more than just genitalia, and if you climb aboard the marriage train thinking sexual attraction will see you through the good times and the bad times, you're in for a nasty shock. The vows or 'terms of agreement are 'good times AND bad', and there's no clause saying how bad the bad times will get. It always says 'till death do us part' and there IS a clause for that. 'Thou shalt not kill' (though in fairness, the good Lord was somewhat fuzzier on the subject of knee caps).

That being said, abuse or infidelity are my outer limits (we'd be having some serious discussions on that if it ever happened). And remember that divorce was a man-made institution if you're following the good book. God decided he would allow it because Moses couldn't get the desert dwellers to fall in line at the time. Just sayin.

farmboyphotography

Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage. If you had to sign your name about 15 times like when you buy a car or a house... and talk to a loan officer... deal with closing, get tied up in escrow for a couple months and all that fun stuff, maybe at least a few people would look at the possibility -- the probability -- that it will not be all wine and roses every day.

For the record, I have been married for 10 years. It hasn't been perfect. SO WHAT? There have been a couple of days that were challenging, but we worked through it and are stronger than ever, year after year. Making a relationship work - with or without marriage - takes a commitment and it takes a lot of work and attention to detail. I think one of the big things missing in so many marriages today is that, like an article I read recently, marriage is not FOR you. Marriage is for the person you marry. If you are in it for you, then maybe that is the root of the problem.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage.

Excellent point. Pre-marital counseling for everyone!

kyleekay10

Maybe the problem isn't that it is too easy to get out of marriage. Instead, maybe the root of the problem is that it is too easy to get INTO marriage.

Excellent point. Pre-marital counseling for everyone!

Totally agree.

farmboyphotography

Just my 2 cents, as I am a wedding minister, but the very first question I ask couples when I interview them for the first time is "Why are you getting married?"


You'd be shocked at some if the reasons I hear.


Marinate on that for a bit. Did you ever ask yourself that question before you "tied the knot?"
(hint: "Because we are in love!" is the wrong answer.)

Because you're a wedding minister, you've also been given the authority to judge whether people's reasons for getting married are adequate? Um, no.

Take your $200 and do what you've been asked to do. Frankly, it's none of your business why someone is getting married, nor is it your responsibility to police those reasons.

Actually, if he is a Christian minister, it IS his job to question why they are getting married. To challenge them. To help them to grow as a couple and to ensure that in doing his duty, he has done what he can to make sure that they are meant to marry and stay that way - married. He would not necessarily tell a couple that appears dysfunctional that they CANNOT marry, but the idea is to help them to understand the gravity -- the seriousness - of the commitment that they are undertaking.

When he asks the question of why they are getting married, if they do not know why or if they are getting married because 'they are in love' then since his job revolves around marriage, maybe he has some useful insights to ensure that the folks he marries STAY married. That is the general idea, isn't it?

bookworm_847

Some people make mistakes, like my brother who married a crazy lady. He tried way longer than he should have.

Some people don't make the marriage important they get so wrapped up in the kids and the day to day they wake up one day next to a stranger.

Marriage does take work I love my husband married 19 years. Mostly they were good, but you gotta work thru the tough parts. I think many people have the wrong expectation. They expect marriage to fix things or they expect to chane him. Many women were raised thinking that marriage is perfect. They think it should be this wonderful image. Men sometimes go in thinking that they will be taken care of. It just doesn't always work that way sometimes you gotta adapt but not all people can. I don't think you should be miserable forever but the goal is to try.

I love all of this.

My sister was reunited with her best friend from high school after he got stationed nearby. She married him expecting him to still be the same smart, funny, sensitive, caring guy he was at 16. Sometime in the subsequent 6 years, he turned into an emotionally abusive, manipulative, alcoholic serial cheater. She married him so quickly that she didn't get a chance to know who he was as a grown up (if you can call him that). She learned a tough lesson there.

Before I got married, I thought that marriage was supposed to be perfect too. However, my husband and I are always working on/through something. It's usually just small stuff, but it is definitely not a storybook marriage. We love each other dearly and can't imagine being apart. So, our relationship makes the struggles worth it.

SexKittenlovesitrough

i think everyone needs to worry more about their own lives and not so much about everyone elses.

that's what I think

smelius22

the most misleading saying i've ever heard is "if it isnt crazy, over the top, insane love, dont waste your time." I think more people would stay married if they realized that lust and falling in love dont last forever. butterflies go away, boundaries go away, date nights and flowers sometimes go away. but what you're hopefully left with is this simple and meaningful love that you know is forever. my fiance and i have been together 7 years and we'll both be the first to admit it our relationship isn't always exciting, and we have both acted completely unlovable and even hurt eachother, but it's a deep connection that we feel to eachother and a complete willingness to make it work no matter what the circumstances. we've experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows and i still cannot imagine another person i would want to spend the rest of my life with!

Mborroto25

I think Humans by nature are not meant to have only one partner in life, if that was the case our sex organs would be like puzzle pieces meaning there is only one match for you , you cant put a square peg in a round hole kind of thing. But we all are made the same without discussing various sizes there is nothing that says this man can not have sex with every female on the planet and vice versa. I think that is why marriages do not last is after time the sexual boredom is tremendous.

This is so stupid.

fbmandy55

I'm not necessarily talking about marriage but let me just say this.

Just because things were done a certain way in the past, does not mean that they were the correct way to do things.

Yeah, like back when you had to have your wive executed to be free to marry again.

bsuew

26 years ago I entered into a my marriage. We said forever. Has it always been easy? NO but we were willing to work on our problems. Today after 26 years he is my best friend! I'm glad that we put God in the center of our marriage and we were willing to work to make it work! I wouldn't trade what we have today for anything! I think this day and time too many people dont want to go to the inconvience to make a marriage work. I believe that mine was worth it.
Other factors may play into a marriage, is each party being faithful, is there abuse involved, that is another ball game. I'd hate to play!

digitalbill

I was thinking about it and I think this is what kicked this off for me.
Someone ressurected a post from 2012 about a woman who was married. Her husband got deployed, got injured, and came back with PTSD.
She couldn't handle it so she left him.

That struck a nerve with me. This guy came home with a problem. An illness if you will.
And, instead of trying to help, she bailed.

She went on to say that she thinks she still loves him but she wants to do what makes HERSELF happy.

I am not minimizing PTSD in the least little bit however; she saw that there was going to be a challange and she bailed.

I do believe my OP stems off of that feeling.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

I was thinking about it and I think this is what kicked this off for me.
Someone ressurected a post from 2012 about a woman who was married. Her husband got deployed, got injured, and came back with PTSD.
She couldn't handle it so she left him.

That struck a nerve with me. This guy came home with a problem. An illness if you will.
And, instead of trying to help, she bailed.

She went on to say that she thinks she still loves him but she wants to do what makes HERSELF happy.

I am not minimizing PTSD in the least little bit however; she saw that there was going to be a challange and she bailed.

I do believe my OP stems off of that feeling.

He asked her for a divorce. And did you notice how young she was? They could have been 18 when they got married. How is this any different from your "starter" marriage?

LuLuChick78

I am astounded by the judgement that those in marriages seem to have on those of us whose marriages have ended. You have no idea what some of us have gone through and how hard we did or did not try to make things work. I don't see anyone judging you for being married.

Just because you work through your issues in your marriage does not mean that we all had the same issues to work through.

djeffreys10

Ever see a criminals neighbors getting interviewed? "I never would have guessed." "He was such a nice guy." Etc, etc. Some people are really good at presenting themselves in only the way they want to be seen. I actually had a woman recently ask me how I could be so stupid as to marry my ex. That stung. A lot. My fault for lowering my gaurd somewhat, and lesson learned. I made some comment about people being fake, but was in no mood to discuss any further lol. But the fact is, you never REALLY know someone. My ex actually admitted later in the marriage that she was good at figuring out what would drive different guys away, and not crossing that point. WTF?!?! What happened to just being yourself?

You have to trust that a person is actually allowing you to get to know the real them. And sometimes, you get burned. In my case, she was more worried about having my engineers salary to spend if we got married than she was actually building a real relationship. And since she was more worried about money than a real relationship, she worked towards getting me to marry her. Not towards building a relationship that may or may not lead to marriage. There was no way for me to know that I wasn't actually getting to know the real her. Yeah, it started coming out after marriage. And it came out full swing after my son was born. It was too late.

And even then, I would have and did stay married. For years. But sometimes, salvaging it just isn't in the cards. And accepting that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

Beckboo0912

Hind sight is always 20/20, just because someone knows what they know now doesn't mean they did before it happened. It's like saying you should have known that person was gonna do that. How? Nobody is in anyone else's head. So yeah there are people that take the vows and at the first sign of trouble divorce but there are others that don't, you can't make a generalization either way, some work hard for it and get screwed, some work hard and it works, and some don't work at all and just give up.


My edit is for the guy above, kudos to you for trying

ldrosophila

I was thinking about it and I think this is what kicked this off for me.
Someone ressurected a post from 2012 about a woman who was married. Her husband got deployed, got injured, and came back with PTSD.
She couldn't handle it so she left him.

That struck a nerve with me. This guy came home with a problem. An illness if you will.
And, instead of trying to help, she bailed.

She went on to say that she thinks she still loves him but she wants to do what makes HERSELF happy.

I am not minimizing PTSD in the least little bit however; she saw that there was going to be a challange and she bailed.

I do believe my OP stems off of that feeling.

I dont know it would be hard to judge unless we were in that situation, and the relationship and person we once knew wasnt that person. I've seen many people with traumatic brain injuries and they become abusive it's difficult for the loved ones often the care and putting on that emotional armor becomes difficult to bear.


Know nothing about the post just my first thought.