Marriage vows.. why bother anymore?
Replies
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See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
Nail on the head right there.
Marriage didn't really factor love into the equation, back in the day. In today's society? Marriage is absolutely about love- not entirely, but that is a huge part of it. In today's world, would you marry someone sans-love just because you were supposed to make a commitment? No? Then why would you stay if the love has truly dissipated?
Regarding the bolded part, I do agree. I absolutely think all efforts to save the marriage should be exhausted before resulting to divorce (except in extreme cases, like abuse or an affair). But as I said in my intiial post, if those efforts have been tried and they failed, then no one should feel bad for leaving.
Again I say, life is too short to live it in misery.
I'm in the midst of a divorce right now, and I know 100% that it was the correct choice. I would have spent the rest of my life terribly unhappy, as would he, had we not decided to split up.0 -
I would have been more than happy to honor my vows and still be married, until my ex husband decided it was ok to have a girlfriend. Adios amigo!!0
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You get out of it what you put into it. Life ain't a bopwl of cherries.
For everything in life, that is very true. The education system is getting blamed for low success rates, especially at the college level. The reality is, kids are not willing to put anything into learning and their failure is really on them in most instances. The problem there, and definitely in reading responses from most who divorce is, it just isn't their fault!0 -
Life’s greatest joys are found in the family. Strong family relationships require effort, but such effort brings great happiness in this life. In the world today, many people dismiss and even mock marriage and the family. If you are married, remember that the friendship and love between you and your spouse should be your most cherished earthly relationship. Your spouse is the only person other than the Lord whom you have been commanded to love with all your heart (see D&C 42:22). Because marriage is such an important relationship in life, it needs and deserves time. Do not give higher priority to less-important commitments. Take time to talk together and to listen to one another. Be thoughtful and respectful. Express tender feelings and affection often. Determine that nothing will ever come between you and your spouse to disrupt your marriage. Resolve to make your marriage succeed, in spite of challenges that may arise. Be loyal to one another. Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. Remember that the Lord has said, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). The phrase “none else” teaches that no person, activity, or possession should ever take precedence over your relationship with your spouse.
Not my words...check out the link below:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=83ac991a83d20110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=ed462ce2b446c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD0 -
I just hope that most people who happen to need a divorce realize that they made a mistake in the first place by marring - because I cannot actually understand how can you just "stop" loving someone you once loved with your whole heart.
It's not about promises, it's about the nature of true love. If you really love someone you feel like you NEED to be with them forever.
I know people can change, and **** happens, and if you're suffering maybe it's better being off alone, but I think that most of the time (basing on my daugther of divorced parents experience), when a couple comes to the point of divorcing it's because there are some problems that have ALWAYS been there but that no one was able/willing to solve.
I am not blaming anyone who had a divorce but if I think about it I feel really frightened because I really want to get married to my boyfriend when I'm "old" enough and I don't want this to happen to me at all.0 -
Arguing on the internet...why bother? XD
You're all wrong and my opinion is right based on a statistic I posted without a source because I'm right.
YAY I JUST WON THE DEBATE!
Who wants my autograph? Statistics show that 75 percent of you want it.0 -
Whoops. double post.0
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I think the covenant of marriage is sacred. With that being said, after 15 years of marriage I had no choice but to file for divorce. Somethings are unforgivable...cheating. lying, verbal abuse, stealing, deceit....the list goes on and on. Divorce is hard but could I really have stayed in that situation for the rest of my life. It was not a good situation for me or my children. Our divorce is not final yet but I know that in just a few short months I will be free from him.0
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See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
Nail on the head right there.
Marriage didn't really factor love into the equation, back in the day. In today's society? Marriage is absolutely about love- not entirely, but that is a huge part of it. In today's world, would you marry someone sans-love just because you were supposed to make a commitment? No? Then why would you stay if the love has truly dissipated?
Regarding the bolded part, I do agree. I absolutely think all efforts to save the marriage should be exhausted before resulting to divorce (except in extreme cases, like abuse or an affair). But as I said in my intiial post, if those efforts have been tried and they failed, then no one should feel bad for leaving.
Again I say, life is too short to live it in misery.
I'm in the midst of a divorce right now, and I know 100% that it was the correct choice. I would have spent the rest of my life terribly unhappy, as would he, had we not decided to split up.
I can tell you, beyond any doubt, that if the "verb" part of the equation is working (ie: you are actually doing loving things for each other) then there is NO WAY that the love will fade away if it was ever there in the first place.
Again, when I interview couples before I marry them I ask "What are some of the things that _____ does that make you feel special?" This is "doing love" and as long as it continues then the other will continue to feel special and loved. And that makes it pretty darn easy to stay in love with someone.0 -
nobody wants to marry me :sad: but if i do happen to be ever so lucky ill be more than damn sure to try everything humanly possible to keep my marriage happy, passionate, alive...and strong. Granted I know its not going to be perfect and there will be struggles but ive been waiting so damn long for *him* ill cherish that relationship like no other
) 0 -
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Just my 2 cents, as I am a wedding minister, but the very first question I ask couples when I interview them for the first time is "Why are you getting married?"
You'd be shocked at some if the reasons I hear.
Marinate on that for a bit. Did you ever ask yourself that question before you "tied the knot?"
(hint: "Because we are in love!" is the wrong answer.)
Because you're a wedding minister, you've also been given the authority to judge whether people's reasons for getting married are adequate? Um, no.
Take your $200 and do what you've been asked to do. Frankly, it's none of your business why someone is getting married, nor is it your responsibility to police those reasons.0 -
See, but marriage isn't about "love." Marriage is about commitment and family. Sometimes, your spouse will really irritate you and sometimes, you won't want to even look at them. But you committed to them, to you try again and rekindle those feelings by changing your behavior.
Also "love" is not, in my opinion, a noun. It's a verb. It's something you do, not just something you feel.
Nail on the head right there.
Marriage didn't really factor love into the equation, back in the day. In today's society? Marriage is absolutely about love- not entirely, but that is a huge part of it. In today's world, would you marry someone sans-love just because you were supposed to make a commitment? No? Then why would you stay if the love has truly dissipated?
Regarding the bolded part, I do agree. I absolutely think all efforts to save the marriage should be exhausted before resulting to divorce (except in extreme cases, like abuse or an affair). But as I said in my intiial post, if those efforts have been tried and they failed, then no one should feel bad for leaving.
Again I say, life is too short to live it in misery.
I'm in the midst of a divorce right now, and I know 100% that it was the correct choice. I would have spent the rest of my life terribly unhappy, as would he, had we not decided to split up.
I can tell you, beyond any doubt, that if the "verb" part of the equation is working (ie: you are actually doing loving things for each other) then there is NO WAY that the love will fade away if it was ever there in the first place.
Again, when I interview couples before I marry them I ask "What are some of the things that _____ does that make you feel special?" This is "doing love" and as long as it continues then the other will continue to feel special and loved. And that makes it pretty darn easy to stay in love with someone.
Right, which is part of the "trying to make it work" equation- which I agree with.
What happens when the other person stops trying or simply half-*kitten* it? That was the case with my marriage. My husband simply didn't care enough. I'm sorry, but vow or no vow, I wasn't going to deal with that the rest of my life.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and special. I know that in marriage there will be rough spots- but why should anyone have to deal with a partner who simply doesn't want to put in that effort?0 -
I am hoping to marry the guy my parents chose for me. I am an old fashioned sorta gal.
If it doesn't work out, ah well, at least I will save on the cost of hiring a divorce lawyer, and that would make an old fashioned gal who knows a thing or two about pre-nup
I am meeting him tonight so here's to hoping it ends in marriage vows.
I'm honestly curious- do you live outside of the US where this is common practice or something?0 -
That would differ with each individual. I spent years miserable and put up with a lot that I never should have for two reasons. One, because I have two kids and couldn't stand the thought of being a 2 weekend per month parent. And two, because I am a man of my word. If I give my word, I will walk through hell and b!tch slap the devil trying to keep it. That being said, when she decided to screw other guys, I felt I was morally released from any promise I made regarding staying with her.
And, if you are the religious type, Jesus agrees. See Matthew 19:9
Like this^^yeah.0 -
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I'd just break up.0
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nobody wants to marry me :sad: but if i do happen to be ever so lucky ill be more than damn sure to try everything humanly possible to keep my marriage happy, passionate, alive...and strong. Granted I know its not going to be perfect and there will be struggles but ive been waiting so damn long for *him* ill cherish that relationship like no other)
I'd marry you but it would upset my wife.0 -
When's the last time you looked your spouse in the eye and asked them "what do I do that makes you feel special?"0
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Right, which is part of the "trying to make it work" equation- which I agree with.
What happens when the other person stops trying or simply half-*kitten* it? That was the case with my marriage. My husband simply didn't care enough. I'm sorry, but vow or no vow, I wasn't going to deal with that the rest of my life.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and special. I know that in marriage there will be rough spots- but why should anyone have to deal with a partner who simply doesn't want to put in that effort?
Oh, I agree that marriages have to end when you are unhappy and the other person just doesn't want to try anymore. At that point you have to remember that YOU are the only person in the equation that you can control. So do what YOU have to do and move on.0 -
I don't stay because of my vows. I'm terrible at things I HAVE to do. I stay because I want to, even when I'm unhappy. I'm good at things that I want to do. It isn't my husband's fault that I can't be happy ALL the time.0
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I am hoping to marry the guy my parents chose for me. I am an old fashioned sorta gal.
If it doesn't work out, ah well, at least I will save on the cost of hiring a divorce lawyer, and that would make an old fashioned gal who knows a thing or two about pre-nup
I am meeting him tonight so here's to hoping it ends in marriage vows.
I'm honestly curious- do you live outside of the US where this is common practice or something?
In London.
But old fashioned.
Interesting. Was that something your parents wanted you to do, or did you ask them to pick someone out for you?
If it doesn't work out with this guy will you ask them to pick someone else or find someone on your own?
Again I'm honestly just curious, so I hope you don't read my questions in a negative way. :flowerforyou:0 -
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So, bottom line is some work, some don't. If it doesn't affect you then.......so what?
As a child that grew up in a house where my siblings and I wished our parents would have just separated already, I can tell you that staying together "for the children" is pretty pointless. Kids are smart, they know when their parents are miserable and it DOES affect them more than you know.
As an ex-wife I can tell you that sometimes you just have no idea what someone is like. Some people are really good at hiding themselves from you until they think they "have you". Leaving was the best thing I could have done for both my children and myself. I am not going to go into detail but I will say it was a very unhealthy relationship.
I respect those that find the "right one" the first time. I expect the same respect in return for realizing that I had not and making the tough decision to leave.0 -
So I met this guy and agreed to a date. I was completely against marriage and he knew that from the get go.
Why bother? I still don't know. The commitment was there much longer than the ring.
Our son was 5 when his mother bullied him into marrying me (I wanted him to be happy so I said OK). She took over our wedding. Whatever. My revenge? Our anniversary is April Fool's day. Why? Because it was a joke. I didn't need to prove my commitment to anyone (like say - the government, his mom, my parents).
We've gone through some major *kitten* and while I thought about walking away one time, it wasn't a ring and piece of paper that kept me where I was. It was the willingness we both had to work it out. He listens. I listen. We talk.
Realistically, he doesn't wear his ring (I wonder if he even knows where it is). I wear a gold band so men leave me alone in the grocery. I would wear the band if we weren't married because it would serve the same purpose (there's no law saying you can only wear a gold band if you're married).0 -
Why bother? Because God said to do this. If both partners were to put the other one first there wouldn't be any problems.0
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I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.
If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.
Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.
Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.
Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.0 -
I am hoping to marry the guy my parents chose for me. I am an old fashioned sorta gal.
If it doesn't work out, ah well, at least I will save on the cost of hiring a divorce lawyer, and that would make an old fashioned gal who knows a thing or two about pre-nup
I am meeting him tonight so here's to hoping it ends in marriage vows.
I'm honestly curious- do you live outside of the US where this is common practice or something?
In London.
But old fashioned.
Interesting. Was that something your parents wanted you to do, or did you ask them to pick someone out for you?
If it doesn't work out with this guy will you ask them to pick someone else or find someone on your own?
Again I'm honestly just curious, so I hope you don't read my questions in a negative way. :flowerforyou:
I asked them to.
I see- well best of luck to you, sincerely. :flowerforyou:0 -
I've seen these posts too and they piss me off. People are complaining about their spouse, in a public forum, secretly, where the spouse can't even give their side of the story. No wonder there's a problem in the marriage, communication has obviously gone out the window.
If you only want to be with someone for 5 years, don't get married. If you do get married, make sure the other partner knows it's just for financial reasons - or whatever - so both people have the same mindset.
Like to have sex with lots of people? That's fine! Have an open marriage. I know a couple that have been VERY happily married for over 10 years, in an open marriage. They are HONEST with each other.
Are you polyamorous? THAT'S FINE! Just admit it and find someone that's okay with it. Shouldn't be too hard, really. I'd bet there's a lot more poly people out there than most of us realize. And it's probably the reason so many marriages end in divorce - people aren't being honest with themselves or their partner.
Gay and in the closet? Come out!! Your friends and family probably know already anyways. Don't get in a fake marriage just because you're "supposed to." You're just going to hurt your spouse later on.
I have no issue with any of the points you've made. I think the tricky part is knowing what you want before you get married.0 -
That would differ with each individual. I spent years miserable and put up with a lot that I never should have for two reasons. One, because I have two kids and couldn't stand the thought of being a 2 weekend per month parent. And two, because I am a man of my word. If I give my word, I will walk through hell and b!tch slap the devil trying to keep it. That being said, when she decided to screw other guys, I felt I was morally released from any promise I made regarding staying with her.
And, if you are the religious type, Jesus agrees. See Matthew 19:9 <
THIS!
Wow awesome response. I am sorry you have been through all of that. You deserve so much more than that! Good luck in the future!0
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