PARENTING FAIL, big time . . .

bheathfit

Having my first soon. Sure hope that this is the worst thing that I need to worry about...

Where did I set that bag of sharp objects and explosives...?

Sharkington

My attitude is "relationships over rules" -- hardly *kitten*-hole-ish. Grandma got called-out on not treating the children as equals (re: shoes). It was NOT very minor. It ruined our family's morning from 6a - 7:30a. It was huge. The Valentine thing is annoying for ME but I'm not going to say anything to her. Yes, that would be petty. But I cannot help that it upsets me because it does.

I mean no offense when I say this, but I think you're overreacting by saying it ruined your family's morning for an hour and a half and that it was huge. I may not have kids, but I grew up with two siblings - and sometimes they got things I didn't get, and vice versa. Sure, there was crying and whining when we were younger, but we got over it and realized not everything is fair, but it certainly didn't ruin anything or turn into some epic tragedy for an hour and a half.

I might be a bit biased in my opinion as I am basing this from my own personal experience with my grandmother and my parents. My grandmother passed away when I was very young, but I remember her being a very generous person who loved me and my siblings and would occasionally spoil us. I don't remember my parents ever getting annoyed (except when we were being grounded and they didn't want my grandma to spoil us then, which is understandable). It doesn't sound like your MIL is trying to undermine you or purposely undo your work - even you admitted that (she didn't even know you wanted to do the Vday cards.) It justs seems to me like she was trying to spend some quality time doing crafts with her granddaughter the one night a week she gets to spend with her - and I am sure your daughter was super happy to do it. I am surprised that doesn't make you more happy than angry, especially when you could still make more Valentines with her, too. You could try looking at it more positively, knowing your children have a caring grandmother alongside their caring parents. I wish, so much, that I could have had more than just 1 or 2 years with my wonderful grandmother. You and your children are pretty lucky she is still around and wants the best for your children - even if you don't always see eye to eye. :flowerforyou:

skittlesnhoney

I wish that all I had to worry about were Grandma feeding treats to my son. My son's Grandmother decided that she needed to have the birds and bees talk with my son. Something that was not her right to do so, and years earlier than I ever would have thought to introduce the topic to him. To add to the insult, she used myself and his dad as the subjects and went on to tell him that we had "sinned" by having sex and not being married to each other.

WakkoW

I wish that all I had to worry about were Grandma feeding treats to my son. My son's Grandmother decided that she needed to have the birds and bees talk with my son. Something that was not her right to do so, and years earlier than I ever would have thought to introduce the topic to him. To add to the insult, she used myself and his dad as the subjects and went on to tell him that we had "sinned" by having sex and not being married to each other.

Perspective. This is exactly why I think the OP is overbearing.

I'm sorry for your experience, but it highlights a very important point .

I hope the OP sees this and realizes how petty she appears.

dontwishforit_workforit

Hm...

1. I wish I could say that my grandma did a craft with me, or that I got to see her every Friday as a child vs. once every few years due to military moving us across the states.

2. Maybe your little one -wanted- to do the crafts, regardless of who with. My daugher gets so excited about doing craft stuff that whomever says 'okay' first pretty much gets to do it with her. There are a billion and one other crafts/school projects etc you will get the chance to help her with, and at one point you may wish someone else would be on the receiving end of the help request!

3. I am not a fan of calling grandma at 6 a.m. to make her "aware" of her actions. I would talk to my child/put my foot down/whatever. I would be thrilled if my mother wanted to buy my daughter shoes because regardless of if she "had too many shoes already", it is not money out of my pocket. The little one was around at some point either during or after her big sister got shoes, did she have a tantrum then? Was she present during the shopping trip or was she with grandpa? Was there anything she wanted? The fact that she didn't have a tantrum until the following morning makes me a little confused, but okay. Either way - you're the parent, it's your child, deal with it. Trying to make grandma feel lousy because you feel lousy? Two wrongs don't make a right.

4. I get the impression that you don't have a good relationship with your in-laws so it sounds like this Friday bonding time is more to appease them and/or your children? Either way, this sounds like it is going to get nasty. Don't be the parent that makes a strained relationship between your kids and their grandparents. They don't need to grow up loving their grandparents and feeling guilty for it because their mom and their grandma don't see eye to eye.

I have no comment for OP, everyone has said what I thought to say.

FirecrackerJess

After going through each page and reading all the posts, I have to wonder about the OP and other posters on here having a fit like a child about grandma's treating their kids.

As someone who has no grandparents left, and who was devastated when the grandpa I was closest to died when I was 12, I have to say that ANY, ANY FREAKING HARM that could have possibly been caused to me, was well damn worth it, for the memories I have. So much so that now, trying to lose weight, I'd gain all that I have lost back if that meant just one more moment with him, just one. Then of course start all over again, but never regret it.

To the OP, if .2 lbs is going to cause such drama and stress, then maybe the poor kid is not at an age where he can take that kind of pressure. You say your kids wrestle because they want to, well kids shouldn't always get what they want. Life is life, and in life that is what happens, we do not always get what we want. Maybe you should put a stop to wrestling until your child is older and better able to handle this, instead of as it seemed happy to let grandma see his tears.

As to the poster who was upset that a whole hour and a half got ruined because grandma bought one kid shoes and not the other. Again, life lesson. Just because one child gets something does not mean another has to as well or the world will end. It has nothing to do with who is loved more or not, or whatever. If your youngest feels less loved, that has nothing to do with grandma. Is it feeling less loved? Or maybe feeling like, "she got shoes, I want shoes too." Maybe grandma thought your older child needed shoes, and the younger didn't yet? If your youngest truly feels as if grandma doesn't love her because she didn't get shoes, she's not learning the right lessons. You should instead of letting your youngest control that long 90 minutes, call grandma and let her hear the crying or fit, be a parent and parent, rather than fuel the fire. Explain the your youngest that she should not be upset because her sister got something new, because there will be times she will get something new and her sister will not. Maybe teaching your kids to be happy for one another, than feel like its a competition will help, and not call grandma at 630am which may give your child the impression that if she cries or has a fit, she'll win.

Now as for eating, and snacks, if one day or one visit with someone is going to ruin what you allow your kids to eat and not eat, maybe they aren't having a well balanced diet to begin with? A kid who never has sweets will want them more than one who isn't deprived. Unless they have allergies, I do not see why anyone should have a fit. An extra treat here and there from a relative on a visit is not going to undue a child's normal everyday diet. Now if it happens so frequent, maybe you are not spending enough time with them, and allowing them to spend more time with relatives.

Kids also know what they are allowed to eat and not eat, depending on age. At 7 years old they would know. So not all the blame should be placed on the relative, the child also would be to blame (not saying there is blame to place however), kids aren't perfect, and I think some parents think or expect them to be. A kid may have a hit and be sad they did not get shoes, a kid may over eat sweets when they know they shouldn't, they are kids. The difference is whether you spoil them and cater to their every whim, or actually parent them and explain, punish if needed, or whatever.

And to the Valentines thing, there is no law the last time I checked that states a kid can only make Valentines once, or even give out just one to a kid. I think this was more of your feelings being hurt, which I get, I do, but its not the end of the world, you can still do some with her. It seemed like you made it so negative when it wasn't, and easily remedied by hey what do you know? Another 1.49-3.49 box of valentines!

tedsmama

[/quote]

Oh yeah, heaven forbid I get annoyed with grandma because she's not dead.
[/quote]

Your true colors showed the moment you typed these words.

dontwishforit_workforit

If your youngest truly feels as if grandma doesn't love her because she didn't get shoes, she's not learning the right lessons.

The point I was trying to make and was having trouble finding the words for. Thank you!

wannakimmy

WOW

AJinBirmingham

My concern is more over your first two paragraphs than your last ones ones. 76 lbs is a lot for a 7 year old and over 6 hours of practice in a week when he is 7 years old???

Kids should not start lifting until after puberty. In addition, you want to make sure he gets some variation in his activities. Specializing him SO young sounds like a recipe for burning him out.

That being said, I sympathize with body issues and grandparents. My daughter was a regional gymnastics champion who competed at the national level. We did not worry about what was fed to her by her grandparents (she was so active that we had no worries about intake), but we did come down hard about any comments about how she looked, particularly if the comments regarded how she looked in a leotard.

I guess my point is that you might want to take a step back. Your son is only 7. Missing a tournament or a meet is disappointing but not a big time fail. However, if there is significant pressure put on him to compete and/or to be at a specific weight or competition level, there might be a bigger ultimate fail and one that could have lasting implications. Just food for thought (pardon the bad pun).

He's a big kid - 95th percentile height and sturdy. Still, he's healthy - and I'm not trying to cut his weight - his pediatrician's fine with it. I'm disappointed (for him) because he was very much looking forward to state finals, and my poor judgement knocked him out of it - what I did was like leaving him at a late night, "all you can eat" buffet right before a weigh in, instead of cooking him a reasonable dinner at around 5:30/6:00pm. It's not an overall health issue, but it was a mistake on my part.

He was gutted, not because he failed, felt bad about himself, didn't win . . . but because, from his point of view, "THE FUNNEST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD EVER!" was happening all day, and he didn't get to play.

I understand what you're saying about the six hours/week. Each practice is 2 hours - less time than some kids spend glued to their video games - and he enjoys it. He has the option in his age group to do 2 days/week - we only let the five year old do 2 days - but I never Beckett quite as excited as he gets when it's time to wrestle, win or lose . . . One of his first questions every morning, before he's even awake is, "Is there wrestling today?!"

I will take your advice about trying other activities - he hated soccer, refused golf, declined football only because it overlaps with wrestling . . . but I think winter baseball's about to start.

ebayaddict0127

The strict wrestling standards always worry me. I remember in high school my male friends would eat pickles for lunch every day. They were virtually starving themselves to be in a certain weight. I'm sure that's not happening with you... but I just remember thinking it was so strict.

DebbieLyn63

I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.

Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.

I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.

If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..

Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...

IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.

You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.

Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.

No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.

No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.

When I first started reading your post I thought you were being sarcastic.
When I realized you were serious, I started feeling sorry for your children and their grandmother.

QFT!! Oh my goodness, this mother makes the OP look great. At least the OP allows her kids to have SOME sugar in moderation. Seriously, this second mom here has some MAJOR control issues and if she keeps this up, her kids will be in therapy by middle school. I am wondering if she controls her husband in the same way. How long will he put up with that crap?

In all sincerity, Lady, you really need to take a step back and look at your situation. Read up on control issues and the need for perfection, because the stress you put on yourself as well as your family, is not healthy. Trust me, I have seen many moms like you self-destruct.

Of course you want the best for your kids, and want them to be healthy, but there is a thing called moderation. There is also a thing called love. Your kids love their grandma and she shows them love in various ways. Unless she is intentionally favoring one child over the other on a regular basis, then I see no problem with her buying a child some shoes. Maybe she thought they were cute. Maybe the child needed some shoes.
The fact that your 3 yr old cried for an hour and a half because her sister got something that she didn't, sounds like a bigger problem. I think her distress probably came more from your reaction than her own feelings of being slighted. Next time, try telling the 3 yr old that you will take her to get shoes later. How does she handle birthdays other than her own? Are you making sure she gets as many presents as the birthday girl gets so she won't be upset?

You are stifling your children and teaching them to be control freaks themselves. They will most likely start to hide sugar treats and binge on them whenever they get the chance. Then perhaps hear your voice in their head and feel guilty enough to throw up the treats. Does this sound like a good future for them?

BTW, keep in mind that those evil grandparents you are bashing are your husband's parents. When you disrespect them, you disrespect your husband as well.

PLEASE get some counseling before your family falls apart.

QuietBloom

I can sympathize. We also have a grandma that does what makes HER feel good without regard for the stress it causes our family. Inappropriate foods. Inappropriate toys. Inappropriate clothes.

Our guilty-grandma just got the "don't buy before asking" lecture this morning.

I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this but I'm sorry to say that I doubt that grandma will "get it" just because your son cried.

If you find anything that helps get the message across, let me know. In so many, many, many ways, my parents (and their other grandparents) are fantastic - but the tendency to overindulge drives me bonkers.

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

I feel bad to write this but grandma over-stepped our family's boundaries twice yesterday. First, she decided that SHE would help my Kindergartener make her class valentines without discussing it with me first. And then she bought one of my daughters new shoes, which meant that from 6:00 - 7:30 a.m. this morning, I had a heart-broken 3-year old. So my husband called her at 6:30 a.m. and let her talk to our despondent children over the phone..

Later, my husband spoke to grandma again and she was crying. Yes, I'm sorry that she was so upset. She's really a nice lady and very generous and kind BUT we are the parents and we make the decisions. Her title of "GRANDMA" doesn't give her the right to undo our hard work whether it's regarding food (OMG the gazillion grams of sugar in e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g AND no, I don't care if it's organic sugar or faux-sugar) or clothes or toys or language used or ANYTHING...

IMHO, these posts are generally about the bigger picture of RESPECT and not so much that we thing our children will die because they gained an ounce.

You must have missed the previous posts from OP... it's been linked to by several people, find it and read it.

Also, I feel so sorry for your children's grandmother. If she is undoing all your "hard work", it probably means you are using her as free childcare a lot. Cause the occasional trip wouldn't have an undoing effect.

No, I didn't miss the last post about everyone jacking her kids full of sugar without asking her first. Yes, boundary-stompers is what we call those.

No, I don't use my in-laws for babysitters EVER. They have the audacity to undermine my parenting while in my company. But like theorizing.

And yet, with you there they managed buy shoes and make a craft.

Good point. No, I wasn't there for the Valentine's and shoes. My kids are fortunate enough to have grandparents that live in town and want to spend every Friday with them. It's not a baby-sitting situation -- it's me letting my kids spend their Friday with their grandparents.

My comment about undoing my hard work was directly related to food, not crafts or clothes. That was not clear at all.

Wow...Did the gma know making valentines and buying shoes were against the rules and breaking family boundaries? Do your kids feet grow at the same rate or is gma so vindictive she buys shoes needlessly for one child and treats the other poorly? Either there is a lot of information missing in the dynamics of your family relationships or our definition of what constitutes a gma overstepping her bounds are radically different. Good luck navigating the waters if things continue to escalate.

No, grandma didn't know that it was inappropriate for her to make my daughter's classroom Valentine's in January with her rather than me because SHE DIDN'T ASK! (And I'm pretty sure that she didn't ask because she knows that I want to do that with my daughter.)

I wouldn't call my MIL vindictive and she doesn't treat either of my children poorly -- she doesn't consider how a 3-year old may feel if her big sister gets new shoes and she doesn't. It's heartbreaking for her. She feels less loved. It's a big issue. And it's a mess that I don't feel that I should have to wake up and deal with at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning because my MIL needed my daughter to have new shoes. God knows my daughter doesn't need MORE new shoes.

Thank you for the support regarding navigating the waters. Fortunately, my husband and I are a team and he handles the parental drama. And I'm too busy with three kids under the age of five to get so bent that I'll make an issue of it. But yes, we've seen dark days.

3 year-olds haven't learned yet, that life is unfair. If you think grandma has to buy the same thing for both children in order to 'make things fair' you haven't learned that lesson either. Poor Grandma!

AJinBirmingham

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

You might try a list. My husband wrote a clear list for his parents -- not what they CAN'T eat but what they CAN. The kids can eat fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts, and cheese. They can drink water -- sparking, soda, plain. Treats are FRUIT not candy. We encourage her to buy raspberries, blueberries, etc.

I might even print out the Whole30 Vegetarian Style shopping list for her.

And if she continues to try to buy my kids' love with sugar then I'll ask her to track what they eat when with her to show her how gawd-awful their diet is when they're with her versus when they're with us. I really had no idea how much sugar I was consuming until I started tracking it... and now I realize how much sugar my kids eat.

I think they're "getting it." He went to his grandma's yesterday, late afternoon while I was getting ready to take him to a birthday party . . . my dad called, told me he was hungry, and asked if they should feed him or if there would be food at the party.

dayone987

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

You might try a list. My husband wrote a clear list for his parents -- not what they CAN'T eat but what they CAN. The kids can eat fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts, and cheese. They can drink water -- sparking, soda, plain. Treats are FRUIT not candy. We encourage her to buy raspberries, blueberries, etc.

I might even print out the Whole30 Vegetarian Style shopping list for her.

And if she continues to try to buy my kids' love with sugar then I'll ask her to track what they eat when with her to show her how gawd-awful their diet is when they're with her versus when they're with us. I really had no idea how much sugar I was consuming until I started tracking it... and now I realize how much sugar my kids eat.

I think they're "getting it." He went to his grandma's yesterday, late afternoon while I was getting ready to take him to a birthday party . . . my dad called, told me he was hungry, and asked if they should feed him or if there would be food at the party.

Wow, it's really sad how you disrespect your parents in front of your children.

derekj222

Kids this young should not be worrying about the number on the scale...yes they need to be healthy, but that's too much for a little kid to worry about...just my opinion. I know how sports can be...

Cortelli

Sigh. This thread again? I thought someone dug up another zombie thread.


Replace your child with cauliflower.
Problem solved.

In solely to say . . . literally LOL here in the early AM! :drinker:

AJinBirmingham

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

You might try a list. My husband wrote a clear list for his parents -- not what they CAN'T eat but what they CAN. The kids can eat fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts, and cheese. They can drink water -- sparking, soda, plain. Treats are FRUIT not candy. We encourage her to buy raspberries, blueberries, etc.

I might even print out the Whole30 Vegetarian Style shopping list for her.

And if she continues to try to buy my kids' love with sugar then I'll ask her to track what they eat when with her to show her how gawd-awful their diet is when they're with her versus when they're with us. I really had no idea how much sugar I was consuming until I started tracking it... and now I realize how much sugar my kids eat.

I think they're "getting it." He went to his grandma's yesterday, late afternoon while I was getting ready to take him to a birthday party . . . my dad called, told me he was hungry, and asked if they should feed him or if there would be food at the party.

Wow, it's really sad how you disrespect your parents in front of your children.

We don't talk about contentious issues in front of the children - they can hear.

dayone987

EPIPHANY: Maybe she thinks I'm depriving them and is trying to compensate. I think I'll let her know what treats they've already had during the day, or during the week, or planned for later before I leave them!

You might try a list. My husband wrote a clear list for his parents -- not what they CAN'T eat but what they CAN. The kids can eat fruit, vegetables, meat, nuts, and cheese. They can drink water -- sparking, soda, plain. Treats are FRUIT not candy. We encourage her to buy raspberries, blueberries, etc.

I might even print out the Whole30 Vegetarian Style shopping list for her.

And if she continues to try to buy my kids' love with sugar then I'll ask her to track what they eat when with her to show her how gawd-awful their diet is when they're with her versus when they're with us. I really had no idea how much sugar I was consuming until I started tracking it... and now I realize how much sugar my kids eat.

I think they're "getting it." He went to his grandma's yesterday, late afternoon while I was getting ready to take him to a birthday party . . . my dad called, told me he was hungry, and asked if they should feed him or if there would be food at the party.

Wow, it's really sad how you disrespect your parents in front of your children.

We don't talk about contentious issues in front of the children - they can hear.

The fact that your father has to call you to ask permission to feed a hungry child speaks volumes.

Your child: I'm hungry
Your Dad: Let me call your mom to see if I'm allowed to give you food.


Children pick up on this stuff without you needing to say anything specifically in front of them.

Mrs_Marvel

A 7 year old should NOT be under that type of pressure. It seems like children's services should be involved if the other parent is asking permission to feed a hungry child. Priorities people!