Action offends the inactive
Replies
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Seriously? "A bite?" It's her birthday, she's happy, celebrating - she wanted to share. What's so wrong with taking a bite of a cookie? You couldn't take a bite of a cookie because YOU wanted cake instead? It's HER birthday!
This makes no sense. It's his body. His choice what to eat or not. She shouldn't get offended at a polite 'no thank you.' And it being HER birthday doesn't mean she gets to dictate what someone does or does not eat. Now, if someone was a jerk about it and said "hey, screw cake, bring me something I'll eat!" then that is wrong, because it is her birthday and she can choose what is offered. But if someone is simply declining something, that's not an issue. And saying 'hey, thanks, but I know we're having cake later, and I really would prefer that" isn't rude.
Look, some people are saboteurs, either deliberately or subconsciously. Some aren't, but feel like it's an offense if you turn down something they offer, and thus they have the ability to attempt to make you feel guilty. Some people have been lacking in strength to deal with these scenarios.
My takeaway from the whole article and post was sort of fence-sitting between the whole 'wth, dude, it's personal responsibility' crowd and the 'yep, some people want to ruin nice things' crowd. Probably because it is BOTH.
YOU have responsibility for YOUR reactions. Don't assume everyone is a secret saboteur. Do react nicely when offered. Do be firm if it turns to pressure. Do stick up for what YOU are choosing to do.
Those of you who don't have anyone in your life that seems offended when you say 'no' to something or try to judge how you eat, why you eat, what you eat, or any of that --- you're probably pretty lucky. I don't really have that now, but I have seen it in action. And I think most of the time it is deep-seated subconscious issues with the person (hey sometimes misery does love company) - they feel better if someone else eats like they do, or is fatter than them, or more out of shape than them, or whatever. Or they were raised that you never say no to something nicely offered, so they get offended. it may not be (probably isn't) truly about YOU doing well, because consciously most people are going to be happy for your positive changes.
So yep - totally personal responsibility in how you react. But yep, can totally be people who unconsciously amp up their game in getting you to fail.0 -
I needed this today. Thank you.0
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The problem isn't the people attempting to "sabotage" you; the problem is that you are letting them take rent-free space in your head. The number of people whose unsolicited advice you actively, and seriously, reflect upon should be small. It should also be restricted to folks whose past performance has earned your trust. Everyone else's BS should never even get past your ears.....0
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I have not experienced this. I get to make my own choices and decisions in life. I can say yes or no to what anyone politely offers at a gathering (I can share and split a food choice if I want). No one cares. No one judges. We respect each other.0
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The problem isn't the people attempting to "sabotage" you; the problem is that you are letting them take rent-free space in your head. The number of people whose unsolicited advice you actively, and seriously, reflect upon should be small. It should also be restricted to folks whose past performance has earned your trust. Everyone else's BS should never even get past your ears.....
I agree with this!0 -
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No I think it's more like a jab at the mentality that, "I am so important that everyone's behavior is all about me."But, I suspect comments like your are a latent jab at "personal responsibility" more than having to do with the people you surround yourself with. I agree with personal responsibility. We should all take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. Interestingly, the day that I decided to believe as the OP does, was the very same day that I took responsibility for myself and didn't let others stand in the way of my weight loss efforts.
I just adore it when people pretend like they've always been perfect, which makes me wonder why they came HERE, in the first place? I mean, most of us come to MFP because we need help, or support, or both. Just sayin'...
At 35 years old, I have a healthy understanding that the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm also not so naïve that I believe everyone has my best interest at heart, either. I CAN tell the difference between, "I worked hard on this and want to share it with you" and "some random salesperson brought in these donuts and I need you to eat them with me so I don't feel so bad about my indulgences." Difference.
The world IS not black and white.0 -
Seriously? "A bite?" It's her birthday, she's happy, celebrating - she wanted to share. What's so wrong with taking a bite of a cookie? You couldn't take a bite of a cookie because YOU wanted cake instead? It's HER birthday!
This makes no sense. It's his body. His choice what to eat or not. She shouldn't get offended at a polite 'no thank you.' And it being HER birthday doesn't mean she gets to dictate what someone does or does not eat. Now, if someone was a jerk about it and said "hey, screw cake, bring me something I'll eat!" then that is wrong, because it is her birthday and she can choose what is offered. But if someone is simply declining something, that's not an issue. And saying 'hey, thanks, but I know we're having cake later, and I really would prefer that" isn't rude.
Look, some people are saboteurs, either deliberately or subconsciously. Some aren't, but feel like it's an offense if you turn down something they offer, and thus they have the ability to attempt to make you feel guilty. Some people have been lacking in strength to deal with these scenarios.
My takeaway from the whole article and post was sort of fence-sitting between the whole 'wth, dude, it's personal responsibility' crowd and the 'yep, some people want to ruin nice things' crowd. Probably because it is BOTH.
YOU have responsibility for YOUR reactions. Don't assume everyone is a secret saboteur. Do react nicely when offered. Do be firm if it turns to pressure. Do stick up for what YOU are choosing to do.
Those of you who don't have anyone in your life that seems offended when you say 'no' to something or try to judge how you eat, why you eat, what you eat, or any of that --- you're probably pretty lucky. I don't really have that now, but I have seen it in action. And I think most of the time it is deep-seated subconscious issues with the person (hey sometimes misery does love company) - they feel better if someone else eats like they do, or is fatter than them, or more out of shape than them, or whatever. Or they were raised that you never say no to something nicely offered, so they get offended. it may not be (probably isn't) truly about YOU doing well, because consciously most people are going to be happy for your positive changes.
So yep - totally personal responsibility in how you react. But yep, can totally be people who unconsciously amp up their game in getting you to fail.
^^And, there, folks is the gray area identified. Thank you for this!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
For some people, taking a bite of something could send them in a uncontrollable downward spiral. I know that if I took a bite of a cookie, it would no longer be a bite. It was be the consumption of a whole cookie. Plus cake. And then whatever else I binge on for the day.
I understand that. For me, I think I was just offended at the rudeness that was implied in the post. Maybe it's just a southern thing. Maybe it's just a MY family southern thing, but that kind of rudeness was spanked out of me long ago. Refusing a cookie because you want CAKE instead is, to me, rude, especially considering that birthday lady was the one offering.
Refusing to eat a cookie for health reasons is a different story. If the bite of cookie is truly a problem and will lead to a downward spiral, then delicately try to explain that. If that's not possible, then fall back on good old southern politeness and LIE. Say your doctor told you no, or sugar gives you migraines, or you have a medical condition, or something. SOME reason that lets you AND the cookie lady off the hook. She doesn't walk away "pouting" and you aren't stuck eating the cookie. A positive relationship is maintained and everyone wins. After all - this was a work environment. Hurt feelings from co-workers are far more poisonous than the sugar in the cookie (IMO).
And no, I do not think birthday people rule the world and if we all ate their cake we'd all be fat. The OP was talking about refusing ONE bite of cookie because she wanted cake instead - NOT because the cookie would lead to a spiral. So I just don't understand being rude for the sake of self-interest. Blame my southern mom and my daddy's southern belt, but I would have eaten the cookie.0 -
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Man, now I'm pumped to crush my opponents!
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The problem isn't the people attempting to "sabotage" you; the problem is that you are letting them take rent-free space in your head. The number of people whose unsolicited advice you actively, and seriously, reflect upon should be small. It should also be restricted to folks whose past performance has earned your trust. Everyone else's BS should never even get past your ears.....
^^True.0 -
I'm pretty sure I read a thread by an older lady about some jealous younger lady trying to sabotage her by splashing to ruin her makeup during water aerobics.So I'm still going to push it during water aerobics even though I might splash the perfectly coiffed and made up older gals in the pool... Look out crabs you are in the water and you're gonna get wet!!0 -
For some people, taking a bite of something could send them in a uncontrollable downward spiral. I know that if I took a bite of a cookie, it would no longer be a bite. It was be the consumption of a whole cookie. Plus cake. And then whatever else I binge on for the day.
I understand that. For me, I think I was just offended at the rudeness that was implied in the post. Maybe it's just a southern thing. Maybe it's just a MY family southern thing, but that kind of rudeness was spanked out of me long ago. Refusing a cookie because you want CAKE instead is, to me, rude, especially considering that birthday lady was the one offering.
Refusing to eat a cookie for health reasons is a different story. If the bite of cookie is truly a problem and will lead to a downward spiral, then delicately try to explain that. If that's not possible, then fall back on good old southern politeness and LIE. Say your doctor told you no, or sugar gives you migraines, or you have a medical condition, or something. SOME reason that lets you AND the cookie lady off the hook. She doesn't walk away "pouting" and you aren't stuck eating the cookie. A positive relationship is maintained and everyone wins. After all - this was a work environment. Hurt feelings from co-workers are far more poisonous than the sugar in the cookie (IMO).
And no, I do not think birthday people rule the world and if we all ate their cake we'd all be fat. The OP was talking about refusing ONE bite of cookie because she wanted cake instead - NOT because the cookie would lead to a spiral. So I just don't understand being rude for the sake of self-interest. Blame my southern mom and my daddy's southern belt, but I would have eaten the cookie.
Wtf ever?! I'm from the south. I guess, I'm just totally rude...or your parents didn't give you any useful "home-training," bless your heart.
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And, that's the best way to be, but, if you can't be that way, then do it to spite "them." Lol!
Boooo don't spite your coworkers or family or friends.
Keep in mind that people who have never actively tried to lose weight (and many that have actually), don't always have the knowledge that "we" have.
Yeah my Mom offers me sweet snacks when I visit her. She isn't a saboteur, she is a Mom born in the 40s who doesn't really have a grasp of basic nutrition. Lot's of people just don't get it.
I don't think people should be so quick to assume sabotage, when ignorance is probably a far more likely reason.
Oh, god. You.Just.Don't.Get.It, do you?
It's a mindset to fuel your motivation. Nothing more. And, basic nutrition? I ate everything I wanted to eat and still lost weight. It has nothing to do with nutrition. It has everything to do with the people who do not understand your goals, do not understand what it takes to get there, but who will try to make you feel bad when you won't partake in something. Literally, as I was writing this, my co-worker brought an iced oatmeal cookie in for me to try a bite...but we have birthday cake for her today, which is what I want, and she still pouted (yes. literally pouted) when I said, "no, thank you" to her.
Saboteurs exist. Some knowingly. Some not. Some are just being nice. The point is to learn how to say "no" when you know you need to and continue on the path towards your goals. There is strength in knowing how to establish and enforce boundaries. That's the point.
Why would you want the mindset of... people hate me, they want to see me fail, they're trying to ACTIVELY make me fail, they're just jealous, as a mindset to fuel your motivation?
I mean, if that works for you, then hey - all the power to you.
I prefer to be motivated by things like... I'm stronger than I was yesterday. I can run faster, box harder, do more stairs, plank longer. I'm growing and learning and becoming a better me. And even if my family or friends don't always get that, it doesn't bother me... because I am not doing it for them, or in spite of them.
I am doing this for ME.
:huh:
WHY does this HAVE to be a black and white issue? Do all people who try to feed me want to see me fail. NO. I never said that.
Just because I've used spite as ONE form of fuel to motivate myself, it doesn't mean that I haven't used positive forms, as well, SIMULTANEOUSLY.
But, if you need me to be less dynamic in my thought processes, I'll try to choose one side and stick with it. (Psssh!)
Seriously, a month ago, I was arguing the opposite on this same topic. I understand the gray area. The purpose of THIS topic was to help with motivation, not whine about "haters."
Naw, I pretty much just got the "whining about haters" from this topic and the associated webpage.0 -
I read an heavy lifting site and they had this gem of a story today. Thought I would share:
http://www.t-nation.com/powerful-words/action-offends-the-inactive
You're not imagining it. When you decide to better yourself, you'll be immediately surrounded by people trying to stop you. Action, it seems, offends the inactive.
They'll usually be subtle about it. Offering you foods that work against your nutrition plan, often presented as gifts or treats. Expressing false worry about your supplement usage, your food choices, and the number of days you go to the gym. They'll find plausible reasons for you to cheat on your diet or skip a workout. They'll encourage you to be discouraged. They'll even get mad at you for how your positive choices are affecting their lives.
If anger doesn't work, they'll bribe, they'll mock, and they'll carefully plant seeds of negativity. All because you've decided to be better, to be more.
It's the story of the crabs in the bucket. Put a bunch of crabs in a bucket and some will try to crawl out and avoid becoming dinner. The rest won't try to escape, but they'll reach up and pull the others down.
When you set a new goal, physical or otherwise, you have unintentionally pointed out other people's weaknesses. Their faults and shortcomings. Their inability to plan and lack of desire to express one iota of willpower. They sit around and want. You have royally pissed them off by doing.
Piss them off anyway. Offend them anyway. Crawl out of the bucket and find new friends and better relationships.
Remember, action offends the inactive. And that's their problem, not yours.
What if when they reach out and latch on, they aren't trying to pull the others down, but are trying to pull themselves up and out of the bucket as well. What if they see those strong crabs as leaders and are trying to follow their lead but just going about it the wrong way?
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Wtf ever?! I'm from the south. I guess, I'm just totally rude...or your parents didn't give you any useful "home-training," bless your heart.
Look - not trying to start a fight here. But the woman walked away with hurt feelings, so something in that exchange went wrong. Not saying you can please everybody all the time, and nor should you try. But hurt feelings over a cookie? With a co-worker? On her birthday? Really, is worth it? I am working out, eating right, and doing my best to get healthy. But I'm not so overzealous that I would alienate people as a result. My point was simply that instead of rudely hurting her feelings, find SOME other way to decline the cookie. ANY other way. Either that, or just eat the BITE of cookie.
It's called manners. Sticking up for yourself is okay. Purposefully offending someone in the process is not. I think momma did just fine, thank you.0 -
I just want to know what kind of person would be upset that someone wouldn't eat a cookie on their birthday? Sounds like the person who's bday it was is the one with the issues, not the one who refused.
That is all.0 -
I keep reading this trying to decide if the author is serious. I really don't see people in my life offering me food, or expressing concern, or asking me to skip a workout as them being out to get me. Nor do I think that anyone else really cares enough about my eating and fitness plan that it would make them feel bad about themselves or that they do feel bad about themselves and their choices. Maybe I just lucked out in the friends and family department.
This. My world seems to lack the totes jelly haterz that everyone else complains about.
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This is so true! I've made several Facebook posts recently about my weight loss and I've gotten very rude messages from people that I thought were my friends!! Some of the friends that I would go out with to dinner would try and force me into the unhealthiest meal at the restaurant. It used to work and I would cave, but now, I'm much stronger..It irritates them to no end when I say "no!"
I found an amazing picture that I keep on my desktop, it helps remind me that this is about ME and not about what other people think/feel. It says the following:
"They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that."
Please tell me more about this "Facebook" of which you speak
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I keep reading this trying to decide if the author is serious. I really don't see people in my life offering me food, or expressing concern, or asking me to skip a workout as them being out to get me. Nor do I think that anyone else really cares enough about my eating and fitness plan that it would make them feel bad about themselves or that they do feel bad about themselves and their choices. Maybe I just lucked out in the friends and family department.
This. My world seems to lack the totes jelly haterz that everyone else complains about.
Lol! It's not THAT literal or that obvious. It's a mindset. In some cases, these people actually do exist, and most do it subconsciously. However, most people are pretty happy to just not care what you're doing/not doing, or you're just good enough at ignoring people that it isn't a problem.
Well crap! Maybe I need to look harder for the jelly sabotagists since it's a KNOWN FACT that they are EVERYWHERE tryna subliminize me into staying in bed and eating sticks of butter wrapped in twinkies.
ETA: LOL crabs.
And don't even forget about the half naked bishes that are tryna sabotage you on your run. Keanu knows.
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I can sympathise with this in a way.
I lost some friends because I no longer drank to excess every weekend and didn't constantly eat "unhealthy" foods. When that's your only way of socialising with someone, or your social interaction is centred around those types of things, and the friend or friends in question don't want to compromise then it can really strain a friendship. End it, even. You could maybe even reach from that and term it "sabotage" when they refuse to compromise and consistently ask you out to drink for hours, or eat out often, rather than doing something you'd want to do that fits in with your new lifestyle choices.
But I also agree, then, that if a friendship is ended that easily over something so trivial then you do really need new - or better - friends.
Unfortunately, sometimes, a friend like that can also take mutual friends with them.
I've been left with few friends since changing a lot in 3 years. One of the major obstacles has been being more active... nowadays I'd like to try new things I couldn't or wouldn't do when I was a lot heavier. Either those friends didn't want to try something new, or they had the same reservations I had when I was overweight.
I can't say I've ever experienced any real "sabotage", but it probably happens. Bear in mind this article/rant comes from T-Nation.
Keanu has experienced this too...
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...but then he found new fit friends who were into running and working out too0
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Being in Colorado kicks *kitten*.
shhhhhhhh! stop telling people. they might wanna move here.
Damn it. I'm just kidding. We are all lazy fat stoners. You do NOT want to move here.
:laugh: :smokin:
Keanu lived in Colorado for a bit, I guess and had friends just like that too.0 -
Wtf ever?! I'm from the south. I guess, I'm just totally rude...or your parents didn't give you any useful "home-training," bless your heart.
Look - not trying to start a fight here. But the woman walked away with hurt feelings, so something in that exchange went wrong. Not saying you can please everybody all the time, and nor should you try. But hurt feelings over a cookie? With a co-worker? On her birthday? Really, is worth it? I am working out, eating right, and doing my best to get healthy. But I'm not so overzealous that I would alienate people as a result. My point was simply that instead of rudely hurting her feelings, find SOME other way to decline the cookie. ANY other way. Either that, or just eat the BITE of cookie.
It's called manners. Sticking up for yourself is okay. Purposefully offending someone in the process is not. I think momma did just fine, thank you.
I didn't purposely offend her. You assume too much. She's my friend and I told her, "No. Thank you." She was like, "But they're so good. You have to try some." I told her that I was holding out for cake. She pouted. I said, "If it's THAT important to you, I'll eat a bite." She grinned.
Stop assuming things.0 -
...but then he found new fit friends who were into running and working out too
I
you... That's all. Carry on. 0 -
I just want to know what kind of person would be upset that someone wouldn't eat a cookie on their birthday? Sounds like the person who's bday it was is the one with the issues, not the one who refused.
That is all.
LOL! A friend who knows that I'm dieting. She was really excited about her cookies.0 -
No I think it's more like a jab at the mentality that, "I am so important that everyone's behavior is all about me."But, I suspect comments like your are a latent jab at "personal responsibility" more than having to do with the people you surround yourself with. I agree with personal responsibility. We should all take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. Interestingly, the day that I decided to believe as the OP does, was the very same day that I took responsibility for myself and didn't let others stand in the way of my weight loss efforts.
I just adore it when people pretend like they've always been perfect, which makes me wonder why they came HERE, in the first place? I mean, most of us come to MFP because we need help, or support, or both. Just sayin'...
This.0 -
I wouldn't typically consider someone offering you food or a treat sabotage. Perhaps in some cases it is if you have the misfortune of being friends with someone truly manipulative and deceitful, but generally, people like giving food to others because it's a nice thing to do. Especially when you've taken the time to cook and prepare something yourself, it feels good to share it with others.
^This. Exactly.
Also something to consider - for those who have friends & family "sabotaging" your efforts - how long have you had those relationships? And how long have you been overweight and/or unfit? Think about it - that co-worker at work who likes to bring you baked goods. How many times have you said they were fantastic? Suddenly you don't want them anymore. That give & take was part of your relationship with the coworker. They like you and showed their affection through treats, and you reciprocated with gratitude. Win-win. Or take the best friend - maybe for the last ten years you & your best friend have been hanging out on Friday nights with pizza, wings & beer. You both had fun TOGETHER. That time spent was part of your relationship. Or - mom makes you double fudge chocolate cake for birthdays and holidays - and has done so ALL your life. It's her way of saying she loves you. She spent hours making it from scratch with fancy swirls and chocolate curls.
Suddenly you don't want that anymore? You can't just unilaterally change the nature of a relationship and expect everyone to 'get it' and be on board. You're taking something away from THEM too! Relationships aren't all about you. Maybe instead of getting so angry at people for being non-supportive, stop and think about why they feel the way they do. Maybe they just miss the friend they used to have.
Sorry - but like a couple of others have said - the OP's comments kind of bother me. I am ALL for getting healthy and inspiring others to do so. But that doesn't mean others want to hear it, nor is it your right to expect them to listen. The "in-your-face" approach rarely works with anyone, and frankly I feel more sympathy for the bewildered, angry friends that got left behind in the wake of healthy makeovers.
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No I think it's more like a jab at the mentality that, "I am so important that everyone's behavior is all about me."But, I suspect comments like your are a latent jab at "personal responsibility" more than having to do with the people you surround yourself with. I agree with personal responsibility. We should all take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. Interestingly, the day that I decided to believe as the OP does, was the very same day that I took responsibility for myself and didn't let others stand in the way of my weight loss efforts.
I just adore it when people pretend like they've always been perfect, which makes me wonder why they came HERE, in the first place? I mean, most of us come to MFP because we need help, or support, or both. Just sayin'...
This.
I'm sorry but are you interrupting Keanu?0 -
I think a lot of the time its again people misjudging how important and often they are in other's thoughts, just like "everybody is judging me in the gym": probably that friend offering you the jelly donut used to do that before too, just now you notice it goes against your new plan of action. Probably your friend who "doesn't want you to look better than them" and is overweight has bad habits that they used to participate in with you, just wants to do the same exact stuff as before, but now it goes against your new action plan, so its "sabotage" according to you.
Remember, just because YOU decided to make a change and fight the tendency to be inactive, eat tempting foods and too much of them, doesn't mean your friend is wanting/able/aware of fighting those same urges as you are, and really its YOUR responsibility, not theirs, to resist.
I find so many people act like just because they decided to have a certain goal, anyone asking them to do something not in concert with their goal is "planned sabotage" and "rude". Well, just because you want to make a change, it doesn't mean everyone else does, or its a priority for them to keep in mind even, or they may have not even "registered/understood" how important it is to you, and people doing what they did before isn't some "planned sabotage" just because now it conflicts with your new goal. You are being selfish and saying "you must think of me first" with this mindset, and its doubtful your friends ever sabotage you, more likely they just carry on doing what they had been doing all along, and now you realize its not the best for you.0
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