Ladies, how do you feel about being a stay at home mom/wife?

BobMcCloskey

OK, here's my 2 cents worth of opinion...From a values perspective, if you can afford to stay home and raise your children the way you want them raised, then by all means do so! I firmly believe that if you have children, YOU should make the commitment to raise them, not work to pay someone else to raise them! If you can't do this financially, then the next optimal situation is to work part time while they are in daycare/school if you can.

I was widowed with a 3 year old son when I met the woman I believed was the next "one". Before we married we discussed, and agreed upon this very topic. I was an executive making well over 6 figures. She was in healthcare, earning about a 3rd of what I was earning. AFTER we married, she did a complete 180 and refused to stay home with the children, and work "per diem". Since I don't believe in divorce, I decided to stay home and raise the children. Because I was financially "frugal" I saved and invested well all those years I woked, which afforded us the ability to maintain our lifestyle despite losing my income and only having my wife's income. The decision for me to do this, has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I have had many! There have been financial struggles from time to time (the last several years under the current president have been difficult economically for everyone), but with careful planning and budgeting we've managed quite well.

One child launched to college this year. the other is a sophmore in high school, so I'm almost done! LOL! I have worked part time on and off over the last 8 years, and during that time I also went back to school (on-line) and earned an advanced degree which enabled me to launch my own business! I have been the one to go to parent-teacher conferences, I've been the class Dad, chaperoned field trips, coached sports teams they were on, taken them everywhere they had to go, and let me tell you, spending the summers with them, coming up with activities that engaged them, hikes, day trips, bike rides, museums, beach trips, etc. was a blast!

In closing, my philospy is that as parents, one of our most important jobs is to make memories for our kids. I know that when they're older, and I'm gone, the majority of the memories they have growing up with me will be fond ones!

SunofaBeach14

Here's the elephant in the room for me: I work and I support stay at home moms financially. I don't receive a Child Tax Credit. I don't live with a man who receives an Earned Income Credit ($43,038 ($48,378 married filing jointly) with two qualifying children in 2013 is the cap). Yet, money is taken out of my check and redistributed to those with children via Child Tax Credits and sometimes Earned Income Credits for married households even if the moms are not paying into the tax system.

I don't have any moral issues with SAHM's but I do have a financial issue with wealth redistribution from my household to yours.

Yes yes yes!!!

And THANK YOU for bringing this up...(tiptoes away softly)

Are each of you and your husband making $225,001 or more a year? That's the top marginal tax bracket for 2013 for married filing separately.

If not, then you're not paying enough federal income tax to "support" anyone.

The reality is that many people structure their lives based on income potential and tax rates, and for many it's not worth having two earners in the household. This tax game works many ways.

kgeyser

Here's the elephant in the room for me: I work and I support stay at home moms financially. I don't receive a Child Tax Credit. I don't live with a man who receives an Earned Income Credit ($43,038 ($48,378 married filing jointly) with two qualifying children in 2013 is the cap). Yet, money is taken out of my check and redistributed to those with children via Child Tax Credits and sometimes Earned Income Credits for married households even if the moms are not paying into the tax system.

I don't have any moral issues with SAHM's but I do have a financial issue with wealth redistribution from my household to yours.

Yes yes yes!!!

And THANK YOU for bringing this up...(tiptoes away softly)

Another way to look at it…. you're paying the money back into the system that came out of other people's checks when you were a child and young adult. Paying for the tax credits your parents claimed by virtue of having you, for the schools you attended, the teachers, the staff, the books, materials, buses, utilities, all of that. You're also having money taken out of your checks to cover the elderly who decided not to have kids and are now in the care of the system because they have no family to help foot the bill in their twilight years. Your taxes also go to students claiming education credits who may not be earning any money. Bottom line: we all pay taxes and all of us are having money taken out and "redistributed" in some way, but we do so knowing that we are reimbursing the money spent on us and investing in those who are going to be helping to pay for us in the future when they start reimbursing the system.

FindingAmy77

seeing as I only work twenty hours a week at nights I feel like I am practicly a housewife. I like keeping up the house and making sure we have meals and clothses clean,etc. it gets a little boring and I have too much time on my hands but right now while I am losing the weight, my husband tells me that he doesn't want me to work more hours and I should "treat this like my second job" I love him for that. IT isn't all its cracked up to be. You got to still put in your fifty fifty part but if you arentn working or are working less then you are the one who is expected to keep up the house stuff. That gets annoying sometimes when you want a break. Better get you a man who makes good money. I guese.

1shauna1

It's a personal choice and nothing wrong with it. My mom stayed home all throughout my childhood and it was great having her there. I don't recall suffering because of the one income (my dad was a teacher; in Canada they make a pretty good salary). A bit difference in Canada as we get a year's maternity leave so by then, most of my friends were ready to go back to work. I think if you can live comfortably on one income why not. Daycare is sometimes so expensive it's not worth it.

FindingAmy77

I admit, I'm very old fashioned. I would love taking care of the home and family while my husband worked. I know with the conomy so bad that it's not as common for women, or men to stay at home. My uncle is a stay at home dad while my aunt works. And you know what? they love it. So I guess if one spouse has a good income then it's possible.

as long as you aren't living paycheck to paycheck and have a savings on top of daily and monthly needs then yeah its okay. but if you want to get anywhere in life you got to work for it. its really nobody's business what you do as long as your future hubby is okay with it.

GingerJenX3

I was a stay at home mom and wife until my children went to school.....I actually took in kids to help with money and that way I could stay home......It doesn't last forever.....mine are now 17-13-10 . I am not regretful for spending that time ,they grow very fast.....now I have time to do what I would like to ....I work fulltime now and enjoy my job!

Sarahsomething14

I'm a stay at home mom. I have two boys. I like it because I'm always there for them. I wouldn't like someone else teaching. things like numbers or the alphabet. I get to see their first from first tooth to their first school day. I would be crushed if I had missed out on it. It does get pretty lonely I don't have many friends they left me after I had my first child. There isn't anyone I can talk or hang out with. my husband is always working. Overall I'm happy

19TaraLynn84

In the 1950s women were told to stay at home and raises kids or they were bad moms.

In 2014 women are being told to work outside of the home or they are told that they're lazy.

Has anything really changed?

Wasn't the idea that people be allowed to live their lives the best way they can?

Or did we just switch ideologies but carry the same holier than thou attitude?

I like you.

19TaraLynn84

Here's the elephant in the room for me: I work and I support stay at home moms financially. I don't receive a Child Tax Credit. I don't live with a man who receives an Earned Income Credit ($43,038 ($48,378 married filing jointly) with two qualifying children in 2013 is the cap). Yet, money is taken out of my check and redistributed to those with children via Child Tax Credits and sometimes Earned Income Credits for married households even if the moms are not paying into the tax system.

I don't have any moral issues with SAHM's but I do have a financial issue with wealth redistribution from my household to yours.

Yes yes yes!!!

And THANK YOU for bringing this up...(tiptoes away softly)

Another way to look at it…. you're paying the money back into the system that came out of other people's checks when you were a child and young adult. Paying for the tax credits your parents claimed by virtue of having you, for the schools you attended, the teachers, the staff, the books, materials, buses, utilities, all of that. You're also having money taken out of your checks to cover the elderly who decided not to have kids and are now in the care of the system because they have no family to help foot the bill in their twilight years. Your taxes also go to students claiming education credits who may not be earning any money. Bottom line: we all pay taxes and all of us are having money taken out and "redistributed" in some way, but we do so knowing that we are reimbursing the money spent on us and investing in those who are going to be helping to pay for us in the future when they start reimbursing the system.

And I like you.

nwrainyday

I'm a SAHM, who first went back to work but after a few months decided I wanted to be with my kid(s) full time. It's easier and harder either way. A lot of careers will be hard to leave for 4-5 years and go right back. It's always a risk when you choose to depend on someone else financially. I agree with those who have suggested keeping some part time hours or volunteer or something to keep your resume current.

I do want to address all these comments suggesting SAHMs don't have enough adult conversation. That is 100% in your hands. I am more social than ever. And I get to spend time with other women who have a ton in common with me. My kids and I are all over the place all week. We go with friends to the zoo, aquarium, playgrounds, playdates, etc. every single day. We have fantastic gatherings at our house with a bunch of moms and kids running all over the place. I get to shop and cook with my 4yr old, and we just have so much fun. I know it's a major shift in lifestyle, going from working 40+ hours a week to focusing on kids and home, but with motivation and flexibility it can be very fulfilling. Like I tell my kids: Only boring people are bored!

phuckingbadasscutie

This is def a personal choice. I have 4 kids and I worked 4 days a week after having the older 2, then was laid off and not working out of the house now. I would way rather work a few days a week but financialy having 4 kids in daycare is unrealistic. I think kids greatly benefit from going to a good daycare but also there are benefits to being home also.
For me personally I like to have my individuality and not be known only as so and so's mom etc. I need my time away from my kids to appreciate them and keep in touch with who I am as a person.

caitconquersweight

I've been one for almost six years. I work part time from home. It's a pretty sweet gig, I guess. I'd like to have more money, but my kid isn't in school yet and we only have one car. Maybe one day.

allaboutthecake

OP have you tried asking a little kid what their opinion was on them being dropped off at a daycare and/or not having their mom/dad there for them?

kikionna4

In the 1950s women were told to stay at home and raises kids or they were bad moms.

In 2014 women are being told to work outside of the home or they are told that they're lazy.

Has anything really changed?

Wasn't the idea that people be allowed to live their lives the best way they can?

Or did we just switch ideologies but carry the same holier than thou attitude?

:drinker:

Unknown

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rdeysher

I have one child and thought that I would want to stay home with her and stop working. I wasn't able to do that as planned and now I couldn't be happier that I am at work all day! She loves daycare (although it is expensive) and I can see her learning and developing great social skills which she wouldn't have gotten if I would have kept her home with me. I would never keep her out of daycare even if I had the option to stop working and keep her home with me now even with the cost being what it is.

GumboPrincess

I think I'll be a stay at home mom until my son goes to school, then I'll go back to cutting hair.

breeshabebe

In the 1950s women were told to stay at home and raises kids or they were bad moms.

In 2014 women are being told to work outside of the home or they are told that they're lazy.

Has anything really changed?

Wasn't the idea that people be allowed to live their lives the best way they can?

Or did we just switch ideologies but carry the same holier than thou attitude?

I recently wrote a blog about this.....

http://bryanavillar.wordpress.com/2013/10/28/is-this-all/

mooglysmom

Listen, its really about what You want to do with YOUR life. Not anyone else's version of your life, your version.
If being a SAHM makes you happy - and you can afford it? Then do it. If that's what is important to you, then that's what is important.

If being a career woman and having a family is for you, then do that.

This is not rocket science.

I have nothing I'm truly passionate about. I honestly don't have much that makes me happy. If I had a calling, something that I was truly meant to do, I'd do that. But I don't, and I never have. A career is just not want I want, and it never has been. Its not that I'm lazy, or I don't want to work, I just don't need to and at this stage I can afford to stay home and be here for my children. Moms that work can also be there for their children. This isn't a war, stop treating it like it is. I'm not a degenerate, I'm not at home, sitting on my *kitten* all day watching my 'stories' (I don't even have cable) while eating bon bons. I'm here because I WANT to be. I want to pick my kids up from school, and help them with their homework without having to rush through dinner, then homework, then off to whatever extracurricular activity they may have.

I'm well educated, I have a college degree. I've been a manager, a HR rep, a customer service specialist. I have skills. I learn computer programs quickly. I have marketable skills. But if its something I don't love, I'm going to resent it for taking time away from my family. And then I'm going to be unhappy. And stressed. And then I'm taking my stress out on my family. It's ****, but its how it is. I hated not being home with my kids those years I worked. Even though it was part time. I hated missing those firsts, or having to work and miss Christmas programs, and not be able to volunteer at their school.

But that's me, and that's what I want. And no one should ever be attacked for what they want.

PolacaFL

OP have you tried asking a little kid what their opinion was on them being dropped off at a daycare and/or not having their mom/dad there for them?

The kid's opinion should not be the only thing OP should consider. If she lets the kid choose everything he will be having cookies for dinner and ketchup for breakfast.

Just_Bella

I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years now. I love my kids and being there full time with them but it is starting to get to me. I want to get out there and work, speak to other adults have another title beyond mother and wife. I am waiting until my last babies are in school so that I can finally do what I always wanted to do.

Stinkerbelle84

My husband works a 7/7 schedule. He works over 100 hours on the weeks that he is on, and is completely off on the next seven days. He surely does appreciate not having to cook, clean, or do homework/school projects. So, it isn't always about the wife doing more (outside of the home) so the husband doesn't have to. Some men appreciate not having to do as much in the home. When I worked 70 hours a week as well, we both had to do equal shares of cooking, cleaning, and all of that stuff. Now, I run my own business in home, and have a lot more flexibility with my time. It takes a load off of him.

Stinkerbelle84

OP have you tried asking a little kid what their opinion was on them being dropped off at a daycare and/or not having their mom/dad there for them?

The kid's opinion should not be the only thing OP should consider. If she lets the kid choose everything he will be having cookies for dinner and ketchup for breakfast.

You are so right. I completely forgot about my kids obsession with ketchup at every meal until I read this, lol. Those were the (gross) days.

katz6910

I'm a SAHM now. I was made redundant after having my youngest. Before her I worked part time but my husband and I decided that as long as we are financially able I will stay at home. When my kids go full time to school I'll look into finding a term time (hopefully) job.

BlueBombers

I had no choice but to work once I had my two boys, had a mortgage and bills to pay and food to put on the table.

My kids are in school full-time now so it's not so hard....it's worse when they are really young and you have to leave them :sad:

chispaza

I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years and I love it. I never had a job that I was passionate about before having kids but when we had kids, I realized that they were where my passion was. For me, being a stay at home mom is harder (emotionally) than being a working mom (I worked for about a year after my first child was born). Of course, this is not true for everyone. I know parents that have no desire to be a stay at home parent and that in no way makes them a worse parent in any way. And my choice to be a stay at home mom in no way means that I am lazy or that I don't contribute to society. In fact, for me, being a stay at home mom makes me a better person (gives me purpose, makes me more responsible, etc). For some parents, working outside of the home makes them a better person. It depends on each individual.
At first, I was planning on going back to work once our kids were in school but we have since decided to educate our kids at home and so a lot of my time now consists of lesson plans and teaching.
You just have to do what works for you and your family. The decision of me staying home with the kids was one that my husband and I came to mutually. There is no one size fits all decision that works for everyone. Like others have said, no matter your choice, there are going to be people who disagree with you (this is true for everything related to pregnancy and birth and parenting ). And you really can't know what is going to work best for you and your family until you are there. Never in my life would I have thought that I would be a stay at home, homeschooling, minivan driving mom (I was going to be a single, childless woman with an adventurous job that traveled the world) but now that I am, I wouldn't change it for anything. Funny how your dreams and aspirations can change.
I wouldn't be able to be a stay at home wife. Being a stay at home mom keeps me busy all day but I wouldn't be motivated enough to stay busy being a stay at home wife and I would feel the need to be working.

Jillian11905

As a single working mother, I don't think I would want to stay at home even if I had the means to do so. I think getting the kids around their peers helps them with the social aspect of life and me being at work is a little break from home life. With that being said, I don't think I was cut out to be a stay at home mom and even if I could I don't think I would (personal preference). Even after I birth them after about 3 months I am ready to get out of the house and back to work. I love my kids dearly and even though I have never stayed home with them they are turning out to be great, respectful kids.

jaclync324

I am a full time working mother. I don't think staying at home is for me even if I had the option. I absolutely raise my children. Both of us do. Being a working parent doesn't mean you don't raise your child. In my case, either myself or DH are with the kids except for the hours from 11-5 about 3-4 days a week. That means for 3-4 days a week either one of us or both of us are with them and yes raising them. Other than that, the caregiver is there. The caregiver is my Dad,which also means I am raising them by default because he raised me.

I have no problem with SAH mothers but we call them working in the home moms. Your life as a SAHM will be as stressful if not more so than a FTWM. I would expect that if you are not working, your DH would probably assume that you would take on all household duties including cooking, cleaning, etc.

I know a woman who doesn't work who sleeps until 11 AM and doesn't understand why her DH gets upset when dinner isn't made and the house is dirty. To me, if you are not planning on making your own salary, you still have a responsibility to each other. I'm not saying you should be a domestic goddess but it would make sense to work inside the home. I feel that would be fair. When your kids arrive, you will have to figure out how to still take care of the house while taking care of your children. Then it gets really fun.

DH and I, since we both work full time share the household duties. We both clean, cook, and take care of the kids.

You also need to be prepared in the event your marriage does not work out. You need something to fall back on so I would suggest as others have to do something to keep your skills sharp. You might look to volunteer.

The life of a SAH wife or mother is not as glamorous as a lot of people think. It's still very hard and demanding.

nwrainyday

I think being a stay at home mom/wife is fine and dandy.

But I personally will never ever rely on a man financially- husband or not. I will always want to work and make my OWN money.

What if you get married and for whatever reason end up wanting a divorce? You won't have the money to hire an attorney. You won't have the money to buy yourself a new home. You won't have the money to take care of your children. My mother and father always told me that I would get a college education, establish a good career, and make enough money to be able to get a divorce (and all the things that come along with it) if I wanted one. You don't want to be stuck in a bad marriage.

As a SAHM, I have to admit this is a very good point. I got lucky that my husband and I see things the same way and survived these years, but it does take a huge leap of faith to rely on another person. You ARE trapped, and all you can do is hope your marriage comes out on the other side. I'm about a year away from working again. Being at home with my kids is definitely the best choice for me and my family, and thankfully it has been worth the risk! Don't rule out staying at home automatically - but be smart and try to keep one foot in the game. Stay in touch with colleagues, work part time if that makes sense, volunteer in your field, keep your resume up to date, maybe even take some online classes while at home. ALSO, make sure you are covered legally. I'm not a "you must get married" kind of person, but it does give you lots of legal protection in the event of a divorce. For a woman who might want to SAM, it's not a bad idea.