Spanking your kids yes or no?

GeorgieLove708

Serious question: what do you do, if you attempt to give your child a "time-out," but (s)he says, "F you - I ain't taking no f'ing time-out?"

Do you try to give them two time-outs? Do you lock them in a closet? What?

The only child my kids age that I know who talks like that is spanked. My kids do not use that language. When they do cuss because they've picked it up somewhere we talk about how it's not appropriate language for a child and why. They don't repeat it. No spanking or time-outs necessary.

SmartAlec03211988

Simple answer:

No. Never will I lay my hands or a belt or whatever on my children.

paperpudding

I don't think spanking a child is the answer. I'm always fascinated by the parents that say - "I never spank in anger". What message does that send a child? I'm going to hit you now that I'm not angry.

Here's a thought for you: As an adult, if you do something wrong at work - can your boss clock you and then move on? Can your neighbor come over and hit you for letting your dog tear up his flower bed?

There is no logic in looking at children as though they are not people, too.

There is no logic in this argument - sure, my boss or my neighbour wouldn't hit me if I was doing something wrong - but they are not responsible for raising me so that is irrelevant.
They also wouldn't enforce my bed time or supervise my TV watching or put me in time out or dock my pocket money or any other thing that parents appropriately do to their children.

I know some parents have decided not to use smacking and that's fine by me.

However, I think smacking, used sparingly, can be an appropriate discipline tool. It is not the only tool and it does have to be used in moderation.

Obviously belting, whipping etc are not ok - but light smacking, used sparingly, is not that at all.

I agree with posters that saying light smacking is abuse is trivialising to all those children who were really abused.

My point was that we treat others in our world with respect by not resorting to physical means. Why is a child any different?

I don't see how your example proves your point though - the comparison to your neighbour or your boss doesn't really work.

Of course it does. A person is a person - regardless of their age or how they are related to you. Your child will still be your child when they are 10, 15, 20, 45. Are you going to continue to spank them at these ages because they are "your responsibility to raise"? I doubt it.

Of course I am not - that is just silly.
Once they are 20 or 45, they are not my responsibility to raise, they are grown adults by then.

By 10 or 15 most parents have moved on to other tools - discipline is an evolving thing.
Just like I would not use time out for a 15 year old either.

You used the word discipline and the word means "to teach". Spanking is punitive. It does not teach a child what acceptable behavior looks like. It makes them conform to avoid the pain the parent metes out.

We will have to agree to disagree .

Part of discipline is punitive. Not all of it.
Discipline is about teaching,yes.

IMO this can include light smacking.
Yes it makes them conform - if it makes a 3 year old conform with not running on the road or trying to pull the TV down or similar, that is fine by me.

A 3 year old is not old enough to make responsible decisions. That's why they have parents. At this age, it is OUR responsibility to make their world safe for them. When their cognitive skills grow, they can understand the danger of running in the road. Until then, spanking will not keep them safe.

I will agree that we have to raise our children as we see fit. I appreciate this discussion with you. It refreshing to disagree without all the contentiousness that we normally find here. Have a good day.

that was just first example off top of my head - some things cannot be made safe - climbing on top of the TV for example.
Anyway, I think smacking has its place as an occasional measure for situations such as climbing on the TV.
Others don't think so - and that is fine by me, as long as they don't post contentious posts about abuse and stoning and laziness, in short, can disagree in a sensible discussion.

Have a good day yourself.

Is 1 am here so it's a good night from me

Candi_land

I grew up learning to fear the "chancleta" if any of us kids ever got out of hand.





Most of the time my Mom or grandmother wouldn't even have to use it, as the threat of the chancla was enough to scare us straight.

helsbelshms

Well, according to my own scientific study over the last 45 years, I will say that children I know that have been spanked (not beaten) have been better behaved than children who were not.

I also find it amusing that several parents I know that do not spank brag about how good their children are and how they have not needed to spank. These kids are horrible and one in particular I will not even allow in my home and he is 12. They do not blame the child for anything they do, but make up excuses for them. Now I do not know if this is due to not spanking, or the simple fact that they are incapable of seeing where their child is a brat or not. In many cases, I do not think the parent is able to stick to a consequence because it is tougher on the parent to do so. IE, little Johnny is in trouble so no movies or xbox for a week, well then that means the parent is going to actually have to spend time with the brat.

Spanking or not, the most important thing a parent has to do is to stick to holding their child accountable. Setting boundaries and making them suffer consequences is their duty to this world and the child. Now I would have rather been spanked 10 times instead of not being able to see the series finally of The Bionic Woman with the Big Foot. That was 35 years ago and I am bitter to this day.

Well said. I too believe it is the parent's inability to follow through with punishments that has more baring on a child's behaviour. As a child, if my mam took away a privilege for a week, no amount of begging or pleading could change that punishment. My dad's idea of punishment when I was teenager, was that I had to spend every waking minute with him. If he went to the shops, I went with him and if I saw someone I knew, he made sure they knew I was with my "daddy". That happened the one and only time I disobeyed a direct order not to hang out with people my parent's considered dangerous. Turns out they were dangerous and ended up in prison less than a year later and I got off lightly with a week of embarrassment.

Sovi_

I grew up learning to fear the "chancleta" if any of us kids ever got out of hand.





Most of the time my Mom or grandmother wouldn't even have to use it, as the threat of the chancla was enough to scare us straight.

At 10 I thought it cool to just leave a store with a candy bar. I got the Chancla. I never took anything without asking or paying ever again!

wolfsbayne

I believe this is personal choice and no amount of studies or arguments will change my mind. If a child does something seriously wrong, then I see nothing wrong with a quick smack. If smacking is your only form of punishment, then you have no control over the child and they will play up more. If you use it only in extreme circumstances, it's just the shock they need to realise how serious their actions were.

I was smacked as a child (probably less than most as the threat was enough to stop me) and I also had a ruler over the knuckles at school in Australia. At 15 living back in the UK, I actually told my mother that I thought schools should use the ruler punishment over here because it sure as hell stopped me from doing it again!

All children are different, as are all parents. I do not believe physical punishment caused me any harm whatsoever, in fact I am the only person in my family with a degree and my brother has a high powered job. My cousins however, were not smacked and have no focus, barely finished school (2 didn't) and just scrape by. My parents made it clear what my boundaries were, yes I tested them, but I knew what the consequences were if I went too far. On my personal experience, smacking has had more of a positive effect than a negative one.

I don't believe time outs are effective, there's no punishment there, just hope that they will think about what they did. I've got news for you, they aren't thinking about what they did, they are thinking about how to get away with it next time! Just the same way as a child who is smacked will be thinking the same thing.

Smacking shouldn't leave a mark, shouldn't be used daily or even weekly and definitely shouldn't be more than a 2 second sting. If smacking doesn't work, then there is more wrong with your parenting than having to rely on smacking.

Oh yeah, I know this is slightly off topic, but your children are not your friends. They don't have to like you, they just have to love and respect you. They will grow up to understand why they were punished and become more rounded if you don't treat them as your equal. They have equal human rights, but aren't born understanding right from wrong, they need someone to teach them, reprimand them when they are naughty and protect them when they are scared. This is what I believe is the main problem with children these days.

:drinker:

Snow3y

Well, according to my own scientific study over the last 45 years

Your own scientific study eh?

ekalexm

Just curious....why do people want "in before the lock"? Why not just say what you have to say? :ohwell:

They don't have anything to say. They just want to act like they're involved in something, even if they're not.

Womp womp!

God almighty. That may very well be the epitome of idiocy.

KeithAngilly

why is it then that the kids from the days where spanking was common place had so much more respect than the total pricks that are around today.

directed at the topic, not the above poster

People said this about me, growing up in the 90s. My generation now says this people that grew up in the 00s, and I'm sure that in a few years, the 00s will say this about the kids from the 10s. I get the feeling that harboring disdain for those younger than you is a natural, irrational phenomena and part of "growing up." Or maybe you're the prick?

+1

ninerbuff

My DW and I chose not to discipline with spanking, even though both of us were brought up with it. No problems with my DD. Why we chose this? Felt it was easier to communicate to our DD rather than have her fear discipline through physical punishment.

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PghPensFan69

Just curious....why do people want "in before the lock"? Why not just say what you have to say? :ohwell:

They don't have anything to say. They just want to act like they're involved in something, even if they're not.

Womp womp!

God almighty. That may very well be the epitome of idiocy.

Do you have any research to back this up?

nancyluckhurst3

I agree completely. I raised 8 children. I didn't not spank in anger. I spanked when the offense fit the punishment. I never yelled at my kids. I spoke once and if they didn't listen they got a swat on the backside. They all turned out to be good citizens and there isn't an animal abuser or serial killer among them. They are all great responsible adults. One of them decided spanking wasn't the way to go. The first time one of her girls looked her in the eye and said F U. Dad stepped in and said enough of that crap. He laid down the law on the backside of her lap. Every child is different. Some need a stronger hand than others.

I'll bite. I survived, and I think I turned out better because of the way I was disciplined. My father used his foot if I got out of line. I spank my kids if they need a wake up call, but they also get talked to so they understand the purpose. My kids are incredibly well behaved, they are great with other kids.

Contrast, My little sister and her husband have different ideas about discipline, the most they do with their son when he get's out of line is put on their non-confrontational tone and say no, don't do that. It doesn't get any more stern from there, and their kid is a mean little ****, who is constantly pushing buttons to see what he can get away with. They're setting that poor kid up for failure later in life.

Spanking is perfectly healthy so long as it serves a purpose and get's the message across.

Rigger

seltzermint555

I'm not a parent and haven't read this entire thread so I know I have zero business commenting.

However, I'm gonna.

I am friends with like 100 (no joke) thirtysomething moms and have talked with most of 'em about this at one time or another. I also worked for years in a social service agency that served children with various disabilities of all types (including mental disorders and behavioral issues).

It seems the general consensus is that roughly 70-80% of kids can be successfully disciplined without ever getting a single swat or spanking...yet the other 20-30% of kids HAVE TO have it or they are seriously uncontrolled from about age 3-8. It just seems to WORK for some kids when other methods don't.

I know so many moms of 3-4 kids who never felt the need to spank 1-2 of their kids and then had a wild little one come along who only responded to that type of punishment for a couple of years.

Also, in some studies it is considered a mild form of sexual abuse to spank a tween or teen girl who is reaching puberty. I don't have the stats on that but check it out if you don't believe that's a "thing"...it is.

My personal opinion is that a kid over age 10 never needs any form of spanking/corporal punishment. If they have behavioral issues that "require it" then they should be in serious therapy and under a doctor's watch and probably have a behavior management team leading the whole thing lest they turn into a violent adult themselves.

As for my own experience, I was swatted one time for riding my bike in the street. I was two or three and my dad did it out of fear. I don't really remember it and don't feel scarred by the experience at all. My parents didn't believe in spanking, but I was their only child and by all accounts a well behaved girl. FWIW

KeithAngilly

So, ask yourself how did you turn out?? . Spanking a child when they need correction is a tool, you don't beat them. I vote with your boyfriend.

I dont think your own impression of yourself is credible. I once had a friend in high school who thought it was ok to smoke pot while she was pregnant (because her mom did it with her and "she turned out fine").

I love the "I survived" or "I turned okay" argument. If someone's parent's abused them and they "turned out okay" it was in spite of the abuse, not because of it. If you hit your kid, you should be put in jail.

ladymiseryali

Serious question: what do you do, if you attempt to give your child a "time-out," but (s)he says, "F you - I ain't taking no f'ing time-out?"

Do you try to give them two time-outs? Do you lock them in a closet? What?

Well if my child did that, I would just put him/her back in time-out until they realize that this pattern will repeat itself until they cooperate. Consistency is key. I wouldn't be shocked by the language either because I don't believe in the whole "cuss words are bad" BS. Sure, you shouldn't cuss in school or at other kids' houses because there are rules against it, but I'm not planning on not cussing in front of my kids ever. Words only have power if you give them power.

Derpes

So, ask yourself how did you turn out?? . Spanking a child when they need correction is a tool, you don't beat them. I vote with your boyfriend.

I dont think your own impression of yourself is credible. I once had a friend in high school who thought it was ok to smoke pot while she was pregnant (because her mom did it with her and "she turned out fine").

I love the "I survived" or "I turned okay" argument. If someone's parent's abused them and they "turned out okay" it was in spite of the abuse, not because of it. If you hit your kid, you should be put in jail.

Yes - let's jail all of the parents who spank. We should build hundreds of prisons just for them!

:noway:

neandermagnon

Well, according to my own scientific study over the last 45 years, I will say that children I know that have been spanked (not beaten) have been better behaved than children who were not.

I also find it amusing that several parents I know that do not spank brag about how good their children are and how they have not needed to spank. These kids are horrible and one in particular I will not even allow in my home and he is 12. They do not blame the child for anything they do, but make up excuses for them. Now I do not know if this is due to not spanking, or the simple fact that they are incapable of seeing where their child is a brat or not. In many cases, I do not think the parent is able to stick to a consequence because it is tougher on the parent to do so. IE, little Johnny is in trouble so no movies or xbox for a week, well then that means the parent is going to actually have to spend time with the brat.

Spanking or not, the most important thing a parent has to do is to stick to holding their child accountable. Setting boundaries and making them suffer consequences is their duty to this world and the child. Now I would have rather been spanked 10 times instead of not being able to see the series finally of The Bionic Woman with the Big Foot. That was 35 years ago and I am bitter to this day.

Well said. I too believe it is the parent's inability to follow through with punishments that has more baring on a child's behaviour. As a child, if my mam took away a privilege for a week, no amount of begging or pleading could change that punishment. My dad's idea of punishment when I was teenager, was that I had to spend every waking minute with him. If he went to the shops, I went with him and if I saw someone I knew, he made sure they knew I was with my "daddy". That happened the one and only time I disobeyed a direct order not to hang out with people my parent's considered dangerous. Turns out they were dangerous and ended up in prison less than a year later and I got off lightly with a week of embarrassment.

*takes note for future reference @ teenager punishments*

totally agree @ highlighted bits.... what matters is following through with consequences in a consistent matter. It doesn't matter so much what those consequences are (although IMO there should be a concept of the punishment fitting the crime, and it shouldn't harm the child).

the worst behaved kids I've known were hit... but with no consistency at all, so they behaved like total and utter brats and I had to ban them from my house. I find it weird the way some parents talk like smacking a child is some kind of panacea that's going to make them behave.... people who are saying how their parents hit them and it made them behave, it's because their parents were consistent about it, they knew that doing certain things = consequence (in this case smacking). And if you're doing it right, the threat of a consequence is enough to bring them into line, because they know you're going to follow through on it.

Empty threats, too many warnings and only punishing your kids when they push you to the point where you lose your temper is what makes kids misbehave, because they're no consistency. Punishment depends on the mood of the parent, not on what the kid did. And if a parent is letting their kid push them to the point where they totally lose their temper before doing anything about the kid's behaviour, then there is a risk of punishment becoming abuse, because the parent is out of control, so a smack can become a beating, or time out can become locking a kid in a room alone for an hour or more....

also the quality of parent-child relationship is very important, parents who don't give their kids any time or attention and never have fun with their kids, those kids will play up and be naughty just to get attention because they're starved of it. negative attention is preferable to them than no attention at all. if you bring kids into the world, you need to be a parent to them, which includes meeting all their emotional needs, setting consistent boundaries and teaching them to be a decent human being is just one of many emotional needs a child has.

Jacwhite22

I am not a fan of spanking kids., That said I have popped my kids with the back of my hand once or twice on their hip/bottom/side. I do not remember the exact circumstances but it was always more of a shock/focus thing than a hit to hurt type thing when they have done/said something excessively bad. I would be scared to really spank my kids....I think I would hurt them. By the time I get to the point I would think about spanking I would be too emotional/mad to control the spank to a "reasonable level" and because I am a big guy I know I could really hurt them.......Not worth that over a moment of outrage.