Spanking your kids yes or no?

IPAkiller

There are two forms of "spanking". First is meant as a quick and immediate response to a child's unruly/inappropriate behavior. Example: Child does something inappropriate and you immediately respond with a swat to the butt. This isn't an action that requires any type of force. It is meant to be more for "shock value" to let them know (before they forget what they were doing) that it's unacceptable. Fast, quickly explain what was wrong, give a hug and go on with the day.

The second is more along the lines of corporal punishment. In order to deliver "this" type of spanking, there has to be a lot of things established first. The child must be old enough to comprehend actions vs. consequence. The parent has to have made it clear that a certain action will result in a certain punishment (generalization is a no go). Example: "Johnny, I hear you have been back talking your teacher. She has tried to give you punishments and warnings and nothing has worked. I have talked to Mrs. Crabtree and I told her if you do it again, to e-mail me. If I get an e-mail from her about this, it will result in a spanking followed by no dinner and an early bedtime so you can reflect on your actions.)

I was raised with spanking because as a child I was literally unaffected by these bullsh*t punishments of "time-outs", grounding, letter writing. Additionally, spanking wasn't always effective either. In my early teens, a spanking became a joke and closed fists would have to have been used for the same result (hello DCFS). My parents then moved to punishments of manual labor; breaking cement bags with the sledge, hauling dirt piles with a shovel and wheel barrel, moving telephone poles/railroad ties or relocating a huge stack of cement blocks from one side of the yard to the other. Yes, my father had access to and (in my mind) acquired these items for the soul purpose of punishing me ... and I love him for it.

wolfsbayne

I'll bite too!
My siblings and I got spanked. We all turned out just fine. We've all graduated college, attained our MS degree, and, <GASP>, we all spank our own children.

I will add that my spouse is a K-6 teacher. On occasion, when I visit her classroom, I can tell which children have absolutely no discipline at home vs the one's who do. Unfortunately, 90% of the time, it is a single-parent situation.

I'm going to have to agree with the single parent thing. However, that didn't happen in my single parenting with my son. He laments the fact that he didn't have anyone to play against me. What I said was the law, period. :laugh: I had his father's rights terminated, so there wasn't a father in the picture at all.

I do see a lot of single parent households with disciplining problems. My guess is that Mom or Dad is too tired, I don't know.

cpcoursec

1. Spanking is fine, beating your child or spanking with an object is not.

2. If you do or do not spank your child, it's none of my business.

3. Society is getting soft. Everybody wins, gets a ribbon for trying, we don't keep score, we don't discipline... we are raising a bunch of children that will not be able to handle stress or failure in the future.

4. Being around tons of different kids all the time, you can tell what kids are spanked, and the kids who are not. The spanked kids are more behaved. (From my experience)

19TaraLynn84

I was raised with spanking because as a child I was literally unaffected by these bullsh*t punishments of "time-outs", grounding, letter writing. Additionally, spanking wasn't always effective either. In my early teens, a spanking became a joke and closed fists would have to have been used for the same result (hello DCFS). My parents then moved to punishments of manual labor; breaking cement bags with the sledge, hauling dirt piles with a shovel and wheel barrel, moving telephone poles/railroad ties or relocating a huge stack of cement blocks from one side of the yard to the other. Yes, my father had access to and (in my mind) acquired these items for the soul purpose of punishing me ... and I love him for it.

My 8-year-old has gotten to the place where a spanking will do no good, so I've started going the manual labor route with him. I also like to make him do push-ups and jumping jacks and things like that. He thinks he's a tough little military guy so that really makes disciplining him so much easier.

tiggerhammon

I dont really see the harm in a little physical punishment. I dont spank my child but I have flipped her mouth for screaming at me and have slapped her hand for touching something I clearly told her not to.

There can be harm in any form of punishment if overdone. My typical form of 'punishment' is lecturing. I sit her down and explain to her what she did wrong, why it is bad, the long term or possible consequences for such behavior, etc. Even this form of punishment can be overdone and can be a very bad thing if overdone. I have to watch myself to be sure I am not yelling or that I dont 'lecture' for way too long.

I would also say that every child is different, what works on one won't work on another. When babysitting my nephew, trying to just talk to him didnt do an ounce of good and he wouldn't even listen to me. Chores ended up being his punishment (when he got mad and threw a bottle on the kitchen floor and broke it, he ended up scrubbing the entire kitchen floor by hand.)

Find what works, but keep in mind there are limits to any and every form of punishment - dont push the limits.

TripleJ3

I don't think spanking a child is the answer. I'm always fascinated by the parents that say - "I never spank in anger". What message does that send a child? I'm going to hit you now that I'm not angry.

Here's a thought for you: As an adult, if you do something wrong at work - can your boss clock you and then move on? Can your neighbor come over and hit you for letting your dog tear up his flower bed?

There is no logic in looking at children as though they are not people, too.

There is no logic in this argument - sure, my boss or my neighbour wouldn't hit me if I was doing something wrong - but they are not responsible for raising me so that is irrelevant.
They also wouldn't enforce my bed time or supervise my TV watching or put me in time out or dock my pocket money or any other thing that parents appropriately do to their children.

I know some parents have decided not to use smacking and that's fine by me.

However, I think smacking, used sparingly, can be an appropriate discipline tool. It is not the only tool and it does have to be used in moderation.

Obviously belting, whipping etc are not ok - but light smacking, used sparingly, is not that at all.

I agree with posters that saying light smacking is abuse is trivialising to all those children who were really abused.

My point was that we treat others in our world with respect by not resorting to physical means. Why is a child any different?

I don't see how your example proves your point though - the comparison to your neighbour or your boss doesn't really work.

Of course it does. A person is a person - regardless of their age or how they are related to you. Your child will still be your child when they are 10, 15, 20, 45. Are you going to continue to spank them at these ages because they are "your responsibility to raise"? I doubt it.

Of course I am not - that is just silly.
Once they are 20 or 45, they are not my responsibility to raise, they are grown adults by then.

By 10 or 15 most parents have moved on to other tools - discipline is an evolving thing.
Just like I would not use time out for a 15 year old either.
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You used the word discipline and the word means "to teach". Spanking is punitive. It does not teach a child what acceptable behavior looks like. It makes them conform to avoid the pain the parent metes out.

I think people forget they are not raising children, you are raising adults. You are teaching them how to behave as adults. They learn how to handle situations from their parents first. The biggest influence in their behavior is you. So yes, again, using the adult scenario is relevant.

So by your logic, we shouldn't use other techniques on children that we wouldn't use on adults - such as time out, restricting TV, etc.?

I know we are raising adults - actually I have raised 3 children to adulthood.
But they develop from children to adults and our techniques evolve as they do so.

In a sense I do. If some adult is behaving in a way that I don't feel is right, such as lying, cheating, abusing, etc I may have to give them a "time out" as in not spending time with them for a while or ever. I wouldn't go up and hit them just because I don't like what they are doing but I may not associate with them depending on the degree of the action and my morals.

Yes, we could sit here and dissect every little scenario but I will not be responsible for my children in their adult years. It will not be my job to punish them any longer. Hopefully they will have learned life will do that with consequences to their actions. I hope that I can still offer advice when they need it, but I am one of those parents that I will always love my children, I hope to always be there as support for them but yes, in some situations if it is in their best interest and in mine I will disassociate from them until they are acting respectfully i.e. a time out meaning for a period of time and hopefully not forever.

There are many things I do for children that I would never do for a capable adult. That's why children have adults in their lives to care for them and fully capable adults have themselves. I do for children what they cant until they can and hope I have done my job to give them valuable life tools

ekz13

I think.. regardless of which route you take... we can all agree...that eventually,

Your kids will grow and you have to let go and they will have to take the lessons you tried to instill and hope that most of them stick and they can make the smart choices on their own..

k8blujay2

I grew up learning to fear the "chancleta" if any of us kids ever got out of hand.





Most of the time my Mom or grandmother wouldn't even have to use it, as the threat of the chancla was enough to scare us straight.

At 10 I thought it cool to just leave a store with a candy bar. I got the Chancla. I never took anything without asking or paying ever again!

*lol* This reminds me of this youtube video "The secret of La Chancla" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYviBsqwwzE

mank32

Disclaimer: I don't have kids.

I'll say this: spanking "worked" for me in that I only needed one as a kid.

My tendency would be not to spank. Not saying I won't change my mind when there are actual children, but that's how I feel about it right now, whatever that's worth.

+1. swatting the backside is a technique of last resort to command the immediate attention of an out-of-control child who is too young to understand cause and effect or think ahead. that's it. if it becomes a go-to method of discpline for children over 4 or 5, you're doing it wrong. just my $0.02.

TripleJ3

This is a topic that is contriversial and very near and dear to my heart. I DO whole heartedly believe that spanking has a place in disciplining children. I firmly believe that this is what is wrong with many of the young adults today they NEVER learned there are repurcussions for bad behavior so there was no INCENTIVE to behave or act in a civil manner. I am sure there will be a lot of people dissagree but it is MY opinion. I have 3 children. All now 18 to 21 years of age. They All were parented and learned right from wrong, they All had a spanking and they are all well adjusted young adults that learned right from wrong. All three have never been in jail, done drugs. They all hold down good jobs and are attending school because they were PARENTED!!!!.
I believe that spanking has its place. I believe that it reinforces a parents desire to have their children learn proper behavior and that there are consequences for bad behavior. I do not believe in ABUSE. When I did have to spank my kids. They knew WHY they were being punished and knew before it happened what was expected of them. I never used anything other than my hand to spank them and as a rule the bad behavior was not repeated. They have not grown up to be abusive to others or animals and have treat others with respect and most importantly they respect themselves. They do not feel ENTITLED to anything and work hard for what they have and work hard to KEEP it. They are also NOT afraid to take chances and assume responsibility for their actions and decisions.
[/quote}

Yes but who raised these "young adults today"

I doubt you spanking your child occasionally resulted in respectful adults. I am sure it came from them seeing your actions and as you said, parented and doing a good job on it and not pointing the finger blaming everyone else. Whether you spanked or not, you did more than that.

Its not so much that a light swat on the butt is so horrible, its that some people believe thats all they need to do as a parent and their job is done.

jlmuise25

I was spanked, but very rarely. It was one of those when it was an absolute necessity type of things. Now, there was ONE time that I was slapped across the face so hard my nose bled and I was...... I believe I was about 6/7 years old at the time. I still haven't forgiven my father for that, but that's a whole other story. I was also slapped in the face ONCE by my mother for a comment I made about my stepdad and it was an honest to goodness misunderstood comment. What I had said isn't what I meant. I believe I was about 12-ish at the time. She realized what I was trying to say years later and apologized for it. (I said something about him not being my "real" dad and she took it the very way that I didn't mean it. I meant he wasn't blood.)

Now onto my parenting the two that I have. My husband and I have very RARELY spanked our kids (6 and 2 years). It only happens when we have exhausted all other means. Neither of us have ever spanked any other parts of their bodies other than bums. I believe it is extremely degrading to slap someone's face. We NEVER spank if/when they are being "violent." It's that age old, "Don't respond to violence with violence." If they are being "hands on" we make a very big deal about how badly it hurts and that hands are the VERY LAST RESORT.

As some others have stated, every child is different and how they are punished affects each child differently. How they are praised also affects each child differently.

nmncare

Don't have my own kids.. so don't really have a personal opinion.

However.. My dad used to spank us if we were really bad. But only really bad. I can count on one hand the amount of times I was spanked. And none of us ever stepped out of line because we knew there would be consequences. I also have a great relationship with my Father. So it worked for us!

Grimmerick

My parents never hit/spanked me and I turned out... Lol!!!

J/k I ended up fine but my mom has this disappointed look she gives us if we did something wrong and that's worse than any physical pain.

disappointment is very effective and definitely still works for me and I am 30. But they also spanked me when I was too young to understand a verbal punishment but usually the spanking was for doing something that could have hurt us like sticking a fork in a light socket kind of stuff. I didn't get spanked often because after once or twice I shaped up and the threat was enough.

chispaza

I didn't read this whole thread because honestly I get a little intense about things like this so I'm just going to give my opinion to the OP.

I don't agree with spanking. It doesn't make sense to me and I think that it teaches the child that hitting is an acceptable way to solve a problem and there are numerous studies that show the harm in it. I was spanked as a child (by loving parents who in no way abused me) but I don't agree that it is an effective form of discipline (I would say that it is punishment, not discipline). Discipline means "to teach" and I don't think spanking is effective in teaching children in a long term way. I think it teaches children to behave out of fear of punishment rather than teaching them to behave because they want to and because it's what is right. And it teaches them to not get caught. So, while it may be effective in behavior modification in the short term, I think there are better ways to teach a child.
People often think that no spanking = no discipline and that is not the case. There are plenty of disciplinary tools that can be used to help guide your child and that nurture the parent/child relationship.

Look into positivediscipline.com and the blog of the same name at http://blog.positivediscipline.com/.

ahaparenting.com is also a great resource.

Also, the kids that I know that misbehave the most are the ones that are on either end of the spectrum.....either there is absolutely no discipline at home or they are constantly being smacked because that is the only "disciplinary" action their parents use.

eddiesmith1

I'm older than a good number of the responders, Not only was I spanked (not often though) I also got the Strap and the Cane in school . I wouldn't inflict the latter on any child, I'd only Spank a child old enough to understand the punishment and discussion as to why. Younger children I see no issue with the swat on the backside (for instance when they are in the middle of a tantrum to get their attention, not a hard hit)
I will say that in general I've seen a decline in how well behaved children are over the years and I would link that to parenting that fails to hold them accountable more than the lack of physical discipline. Sorry but at least until they are adults your child is not your friend. Most people I know growing up had a healthy respect for their parents and some fear of dissapointing them (a few who were abused feared them period not good)

MrsG31

To any who say that thing's "Were never like this when we were kids and spankings were common. Kids had respect!"

Let me quote Socrates:

The counts of the indictment are luxury, bad manners, contempt for authority, disrespect to elders, and a love for chatter in place of exercise. …

Children began to be the tyrants, not the slaves, of their households. They no longer rose from their seats when an elder entered the room; they contradicted their parents, chattered before company, gobbled up the dainties at table, and committed various offences against Hellenic tastes, such as crossing their legs. They tyrannised over the paidagogoi and schoolmasters.

That's someone from 400BC complaining about 'the kids these days have no respect'. The world hasn't changed all that much, but your perspective on the world has.

I am not giving my opinion one or another on here today....just wanted to say I thought the above was awesome! "Those darn kids, crossing their legs!! And chatting in front of company!!"

MrsG31

Spanking did nothing but make me fear my mother and father. It also just made me be more sneaky when it came to behavior that MAY result in said spanking. In other words, it taught me NOTHING. I don't plan on spanking my kids and I consider it a lazy way of dealing with an unruly child. I have also seen my relatives take it too far, like into child abuse territory. So anything that can go that far is a no-go for me. I've watched many episodes of Super Nanny and prefer her method of discipline.

I used to think exactly the same way. Then I had kids.

RichardAshley39

I always find there more affective ways, the dreaded naughty step always works for my two

sallie46

I"m with the majority who say NO. It is far too easy to have spankings turn into abuse. Besides, what are you teaching your children but 'I will physically hurt you' if you don't do what I say. I was spanked/beaten with objects and hands by my mother, who should have known better, and all it did was leave lasting anger and resentment. I had bruises on my butt that took weeks to heal once. When she married my stepfather his heart to heart talkings-to (about character, life choices, peer pressure, etc.) did far more good.

Teach your children that there are rules and consequences in all forms of life. Make the consequences tied to the infraction and be firm. These days, lack of phone/allowance/social life is very effective.


My daughter is now almost 28, got lots of lectures and no spankings and is a wonderful person.

Nuff said.

beernpizza2

Spanking did nothing but make me fear my mother and father. It also just made me be more sneaky when it came to behavior that MAY result in said spanking. In other words, it taught me NOTHING. I don't plan on spanking my kids and I consider it a lazy way of dealing with an unruly child. I have also seen my relatives take it too far, like into child abuse territory. So anything that can go that far is a no-go for me. I've watched many episodes of Super Nanny and prefer her method of discipline.

I used to think exactly the same way. Then I had kids.

I agree, I had kids and my views changed a lot. Also, I think Super Nanny works, because some kids will listen to other people before they'll listen to their own parents. I always listened to my coaches and teachers and even other family members before I listened to my parents.

ETA: I don't spank my child, it doesn't work for her.

wolfsbayne

Spanking did nothing but make me fear my mother and father. It also just made me be more sneaky when it came to behavior that MAY result in said spanking. In other words, it taught me NOTHING. I don't plan on spanking my kids and I consider it a lazy way of dealing with an unruly child. I have also seen my relatives take it too far, like into child abuse territory. So anything that can go that far is a no-go for me. I've watched many episodes of Super Nanny and prefer her method of discipline.

I used to think exactly the same way. Then I had kids.

I agree, I had kids and my views changed a lot. Also, I think Super Nanny works, because some kids will listen to other people before they'll listen to their own parents. I always listened to my coaches and teachers and even other family members before I listened to my parents.

I was always better behaved when I spent the night at a friend's house, too. I'd always offer to help in the kitchen and do dishes willingly at someone else's house, but I hated it at home. :laugh:

lmmathis86

Okay here is my 2 cents. I was spanked and I turned out fine.I was spanked for doing things like calling 911 and hanging up....having a spit fight with my brother and lying. I was sent to my room or made to stand in a corner for smaller issues. I believe a parent should only spank once they have calmed down. If you cant do that then dont spank. My parents would send us to our room the come in to spank after ten minutes or so.

usersnamestaken

I was spanked as a child and I do not feel like my IQ or my life has suffered from it. All of you who say that "the studies show" need to stop and think. For one, is it a biased study to prove a point, what are the conditions of the study this is a cultural study and since each home has different circumstances and each person within a home is different, there are so many variables that an accurate study would be almost impossible...I have seen kids that were not spanked correctly (i.e. only then they had acted up so much that they finally pushed the last button and so out of anger and frustration their parent spanked them teaching them that they can still get by with what they want, they just need to make sure they know how far they can go. Also, this isn't teaching them ANYTHING for their benefit, it is just a reaction of your frustration.) and I have seen kids (like me!) who have been spanked and had super great relationships with their parents, have no childhood regrets or issues with authority and ummm... yeah... I am not a violent person *at all* . ( I get pretty worked up about anything violent makes me really sad!) I have also seen some non-spankers turn out well when they had a consistently defined method of discipline, and I have seen some turn out absolutely terrible! The issue here is not method. It is consistency with a method, which is the hard part! For anything to be effective you have to mean what you say, say what you mean. I was never spanked when a parent was mad. They never counted, they on rare occasion gave a "second chance." I had cause-and-effect very clearly defined for me. That is what kids need and what they really want! They have to try to push buttons because that is how they learn, by exploring. Think about it! This whole topic is really irrelevant. The real question should be- to be consistent or to be a "nice parent" by giving your kids "chances." They know good well how to listen and not listen. Do not give chances! YOU be in control of the situation...if they find out you mean what you say and they can believe you when they are young they will listen to you when they are older too.
P.S. To all of you people who are saying stuff about the negative effects of spanking- you have basically insulted those of us who have turned out just fine and smart (3.77 college graduate speaking-not genius but a "lower IQ" either) and 'non-thuggie", as well as our parents, and I resent that! ( I will assume you just weren't thinking for the sake of peace.)

lavaughan69

Both my kids were spanked at one time or another and they've turned out just fine, no violent tendencies. My husband and I were very strict about instilling good behavior, respect and manners before age 6 (before they went to school). We never had to spank beyond that age, we switched to taking things away or time outs/groundings. Before responding to this question I asked my girls if they had much of a memory of being disciplined and neither of them formed any negative memories of it, they just knew that if they misbehaved badly that there were consequences. Let me add that my kids have also thanked me for setting limitations as they watch their spoiled rotten friends turn into nasty teenagers that swear at their parents and shop lift. A little discipline early on goes a long way.

IPAkiller

Okay here is my 2 cents. I was spanked and I turned out fine.I was spanked for doing things like calling 911 and hanging up....having a spit fight with my brother and lying. I was sent to my room or made to stand in a corner for smaller issues. I believe a parent should only spank once they have calmed down. If you cant do that then dont spank. My parents would send us to our room the come in to spank after ten minutes or so.

I remember, "The dreaded 10 minutes" you wait as you can vaguely hear your parents discussing your fate, LOL

TheRoadDog

I was spanked. Usually with a belt. If we got aspanking, we deserved it. It was not often, but my Mother was the disciplinarian.

I had three daughters and, other than smacking their hands, because they wer reaching for something that might burn or harm them, I only had to spank my middle daughter once. They all turned out great. The thing is, though, they lived within the boundairies set for them.

I am not adverse to spanking, though, if it had been necessary. There were rules in our house and they WERE going to be followed.

19TaraLynn84

Okay here is my 2 cents. I was spanked and I turned out fine.I was spanked for doing things like calling 911 and hanging up....having a spit fight with my brother and lying. I was sent to my room or made to stand in a corner for smaller issues. I believe a parent should only spank once they have calmed down. If you cant do that then dont spank. My parents would send us to our room the come in to spank after ten minutes or so.

I remember, "The dreaded 10 minutes" you wait as you can vaguely hear your parents discussing your fate, LOL

Or being told when out in public that you would get it when you got home and you spend the whole drive home just praying mom or dad would forget. Mine rarely did.

chispaza

Never EVER a reason to hit a child ... it's lazy parenting and abusive. Whether they survive or not is not the point.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher

I like this a LOT. :flowerforyou:

I do not agree. I love my son with all of my heart. I live by the bible it encourages to not spare the rod. I do not agree with beating a child but a spank on the butt when out of line is not abuse and it's not lazy parenting. if it was abuse, dhs would arrest people who spanked their children. in fact, dhs says as long as there are no bruises, spanking is not abuse in the state I live in. Your opinion is your opinion, but please do not consider a parent lazy for spanking. I've tried those "time outs" take a way game time and it did not work. I spanked my son's butt for something he did over 3 months ago and he hasn't had another spanking yet. I spank him b/c i love him and I dont' want to see him hurt (he ran in the street and the word "No" didn't work) i think the lazy parents are the ones who do nothing when their children are acting out and their chidren curse them out and hit them. I've never seen that with a child who was spanked!!

The bible does not encourage spanking your child. The rod was an instrument used by a shepherd to protect and guide his sheep, it was not used to hit them.

PghPensFan69

On the topic of waiting before using spanking as a form of discipline, does anyone else remember this show? I can still remeber the little song.

Wait Until Your Father Gets Home
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi702611737

Masalamommy

Here's my standard on that : if I wouldn't do it to an adult then it shouldn't be done to a child. All you are doing is teaching them to be more aggressive,solve problems by hitting and a fear of you that can last a lifetime. It puts an emotional distance between you as a parent and your child. People who say they never hit their child when they are angry are LYING they only hit their kid when they are angry.You are showing your child here I cannot control myself. Then you go around and say oh don't hit that other kid.Come on.