husband jokes' about my body
Replies
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divorce him or deal with it. honesty, not rocket science.0
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Find a counsellor and go talk about your relationship. If he is emotionally abusive now (and there is no way to interpret this "jokes" as anything else), there is a very real risk of him getting much worse after the baby arrives. Find someone to talk to now and to address all red flags in your relationship, before getting closer to your due date. Good luck.0
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When your self esteem is intact - no amount of insults can get to you.
high self esteem makes you value yourself enough that you don't stick around with people who are trying to insult you, whether those insults succeed or fail0 -
this does not sound like a healthy situation for you or for your child.0
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I read your post and most of the responses. You are a brave person.
As a man and a father of three.
I am sorry to say .. but your husband sounds like a total tool. I know you will do the right thing in the long run and create a happy and healthy environment for your child.
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Im totally frustrated with my husband. Im 20 weeks pregnant, i gained 5-6 pounds since i got pregnant (started at 123 lb now 128-129 for 5'8). I dont think i am fat, and i actually enjoy my pregnancy body, i dont feel like the rest of my body changed, beside bigger boubs and belly bump.
I am slight straight apple shape, but it never been an issue for me, i actually always liked my body, and always used to get compliments. My self esteem just dropped, even before getting pregnant, if i gain a pound or two, he will try to pinch on my waist or if i am naked he will tell me to look athim, stare at my belly/waist, for a little while, and i am juststanding therenaked , waiting/hoping for a compliment and he will say nothing. I f i ask him, he will just sigh and say: "nothing".
When i tried bringing it up, that it bothers me, he just turns the whole thing into a joke, saying, " im just teasing you are being super sensitive" or that i should know that he adores my body and that i used to model before so i shouldnt even question how attractive i am.
But i dont want to be attractive to others or to fashionmagazine or to other men, i want my own husband to compliment my body to not only pick on it.
Since i became pregnant, of course iam only getting thicker around my waist and my belly, so its getting worse. Today after athe silly fight, he tried making up with me, and he came over saying : well i am sorry my little whale, you actually not a whale, you were shaped as a tennis racket, now you look like a frog,....tahnk god you are pregnant of boy not a girl"
I just lost it, and started crying, he said come one im teasing you, and then decided thag i was jusg being dramatic and continued toact like nothkng was going on.
I cant even imagine how hard on me he is going tobe when i will gain more weight, orwill my body will change after the baby is born, what if im not stick skinny right away, or if I got stretch marks, or if my boubs saggs!
I really dont know what to do, it makes me want to stop eatkng completly so i wont gain another pound!!
Im sorry for the hormonal rant but i feel like im losign it and i dont know what to do anymore.
Your husband is an idiot and you are hormonal Let him know that this kind of teasing is too much during this life moment be open and honest (and no yelling that baby can hear you :-) )0 -
Abuse is abuse. Period. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Sometimes it's even worse because it's masked as humor, concern, or (in the case of my ex-husband) "venting". I was married to an abuser for 9 years, until I left the relationship 18 years ago. He used to call me a fat cow, and make comments like, "I swear to God I could dress you better than you dress yourself."
Unfortunately, once we had children he used the same tactics to try to undermine their self-confidence. Don't let him do this to you. Get counseling. If you can't get him to change his ways, get out. Getting my children and myself away from my ex was the best thing I ever did for all of us. All of these years later I have three wonderful adult children, and a loving, supportive husband. My ex is on his third wife and his fourth domestic violence charge.
Take care of you and your baby, and talk to your family about it if you are close. I was too ashamed to tell anyone until after I gathered the courage to leave.0 -
This would be divorce for me. This is basically bullying and abusive behaviour.
Bingo on the possible bullying behaviour. That's what jumped out in my mind when I read the OP's post. I wonder what his history is with treating others over the years? Joking around and teasing are the first steps of being a bully for sure (along with prejudiced behaviours as well). His attempt at laughing it off and telling his wife to not be so sensitive is consistent with that type of very poor behaviour.
Having been on the husband side of the equation for a couple of pregnancies and postpartum weeks following birth, he absolutely needs to get his act together as a father, husband, and loving spouse. Because it doesn't get any easier for either in the relationship from this point.
Good time for the OP to seriously consider couples therapy, marriage counseling, etc...now before it gets too late. The stress, issues, and reality of life will only get more difficult moving forward as they introduce another being into their household. Although it's easy for all of us to point out that the guy is a "tool", we should also be sensitive and suggest that he most likely just needs guidance and direction from an outside source (trained expert) where he can quickly see the errors of his ways and make quick adjustments to save the marriage and relationship.
Best of luck to the OP and I would encourage her to suggest help for them as a couple. ASAP to relieve the stress and turn the situation around for a mentally healthy pregnancy.0 -
step 1) buy a pair of steel toe boots
step 2) kick him hard in the goodie box
step 3) "stop being a whiny baby I was only kidding"
I am a mom of 5 after having a baby your body shape changes it will never be what it was pre pregnancy
during pregnancy it is a beautiful thing you are growing a life your child that make you a stunning beautiful creature
he is an *kitten* tell him I said he is an *kitten* he should be groveling right now and stop with his childish behavior
as your husband the father of the child he should be taking care of you
making certain that you are not experiencing extra stress
he should be telling you how fantastic you look
because no matter what the package looks like a pregnant woman is a miracle of nature and is beautiful
I also like the idea of taking off for a few days to your moms till he grows up leave him a note and say "not kidding Im gone till you straighten up" Do not tolerate this treatment for "love"
Came here to suggest this type of sensitivity training. I'm surprised it hasn't already happened to him given how hormonal pregnant women are. My wife punched me when she was pregnant, for a lot less than what he said.
my hubs is sleeping right now but I bet if I asked him what I would have done
you can bet it would have involved bodily harm
OP make it VERY clear that is not acceptable no matter how "funny" he thinks it is
when something is funny both people can share in the laugh if one person is not laughing or is crying then it is bullying behavior
"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
in this case you are giving him permission to do this because you have not taken drastic action
that may mean leaving him till he can prove he can behave like a loving caring man
and not petty child0 -
Only you can allow someone else to "make" you feel bad. You are 27 years old. If you allow him to, he will continue "teasing" you to tears over a pound or two for the rest of your life. At some point you will decide just maybe you want a husband who embraces every pound and bump because it is his child growing in there.
I am not saying run and divorce him today. I am saying that eventually you just might get tired of his deliberately doing things that he knows will make you cry. Seems like a cruel thing to do to the woman he promised to love and cherish. Does he try and control any other aspects of your life or only your looks? Seems like he is very insecure so he wants you even more insecure than him.
^^^ This. It's also a fact of biology that women don't go back to the exact shape they had before they gave birth. Hips widen from carrying the baby, some of us gain "baby fat" that never goes away, boobs change, droop, get bigger etc. What will "Mr. Sensitive" do then?
I have to say, the comment that he is glad you're having a boy and not a girl bothers me. A lot. What will he do it the baby is female? Smother it? Leave it on a hospital doorstep? Why does he care so much about the baby being a boy? What if this one is a boy and the next one (if there is a next one) is a girl? Will he abuse or ignore the girl for a boy? That's just a disaster waiting to happen.
More importantly, what will YOU do then? Will you put up with his BS for the rest of your lives? You can't make him change his behavior but you can sure as he11 encourage it (I like the option of having him drop his pants - then you laugh and tell him you're "just teasing." :laugh: ) and you can change your own responses to his intolerable behavior. Even if that means visiting your relatives for a while (hmmmmm . . . if your relatives are anything like mine, that might be exchanging one form of emotional torture for another . . . ):huh:
Counseling might help. Couples' counseling if he agrees, go alone if he doesn't. :flowerforyou:
Congrats on the new little life!0 -
Bobbit, douche canoe aisle 3!0 -
Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.
When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.
And repeat frequently.
HAH. You deserve better. It's sad..I almost feel bad for him. He sounds like an incredibly insecure man, so much so that he needs to tear down his pregnant wife to feel better about himself. He needs some counseling or self help for both his insecurity and his abusive behavior. Its up to you to decide whether it's worth it to pursue this and continue your relationship or to walk away.0 -
I'm not saying this is the case... But in abusive relationships where it is the male partner who is abusive. This behaviour can often increase during pregnancy. The man feels jealous that he cannot "control" the changing aspect of his partners body. Plus it can trigger his jealousy towards the child that has been conceived. OP I would be probably seek some form of professional support if this behaviour becomes more worrying for you.
I agree with your post, except I would advise her to get some professional help immediately. OP, your husband is very wrong to treat you this way. I would strongly advise that the two of you get counseling ASAP. If he won't go, then you go alone, because you need some professional support during this time. {{{hugs}}}0 -
Just
Break
Up0 -
Hello everybody, thanks you all for taking time to answer and support me!
I dont have relatives over here, besides his family, so I wont be able to move out for a while, I just got a room in a touristic center for the week end.
His comment about it being a boy not a girl its about some cultural old belief, that boy make that mum pretty during pregnancy, and girls make the mum swell even more and gets ugly. My sister in law is pregnant of a girl, and my in laws cant stop comparing us, how i stayed thin bc i have a boy and how she swell bc its a girl ( she is 8 months pregnant, thank god she gained weight),.... sensitivity or personal boundary seems be missing in the constitution of this country!!!
Anyways, this is how it went this morning, he wake up all lovey dovey, being all nice and sweet, he clearly knew i was still mad, saying come on, why I was still mad, I didnt respond, until he saw me packing, then he wents nuts, starting saying how i was blowing things out of propoertion, and get me to tell him what did he wrong!? Where was i going to go !? And why i was packing a swimsuit.
Then i went on: dont you dare make this about me overeacting and that his little whale needs a break and will go take a dive". He did his usual speech:" You know that i am just teasing you, i adore your body, i think you are perfect,..yadi yadi yada."
I then name how frenquently he does it, and how often i tell him that i find it hurtfull, whats the point of joking or teasing me about smth, that according to u its not even true, that i dont think its funny and that hurts me !?! And you know it does!!! Would you like me to give you a taste about your own medicine, would you think its funny, how would you react !?
He recognize, that he wouldnt like it either, he wont do it again and he apologize for being so insensitive, BUT, when i asked why does he do it then, he keeps on apologizing and saying that he doesnt know why, just didnt realize he went that far.
I then said, that for him to stop, he needs to know whats the reason behind that behavior, that i need a break for the weekend anyways, i will go back monday after work, but by then I hope he will figure out a solution to find out why.
He tried coming with me or making me stay, I just told him that I was not mad at him anymore, just really concerned about his behavior, and the baby and us serve healthier environnement to live in. BUT I really needed this weekend off everything.
He can understand, and he will go to therapy if he needed to , I jumped on the idea, and i said i think its great you thought of it, Monday after 6, works for me!
So we will see...thanks again, I really would have lost it without your support, thanks a lot!!0 -
It's great that you were able to point out to him that he is continuing to say hurtful things, even after you've told him he hurts you, and that it's not acceptable. Let's hope he can sort himself out. You keep standing up for yourself, and don't ever put up with someone who tries to make you feel bad about yourself. You'll have a child to bring up soon, and children learn their behaviour from the adults around them - you don't want your child to grow up to bully women, or put up with being bullied himself.0
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I've not read most of the comments, but it takes a real jerk to fat shame his pregnant wife. Whether you're fat or not is a moot point.0
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Let's just hope he isn't that way with your child.0
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What country are you in? What are the laws if you want to ever leave with a child born there, and go home to your family?0
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For some unknown reason men have a tendency to say THE most stupidest things on earth when women are pregnant. My husband told me that he hoped that our child (if a girl) would not be tall like me. I went ballistic. Please ignore the stupidity and focus on the beautiful transition that your body is going through. You are doing what your body was born to do and that is to create life. Stay on the path and ignore the ignorance for what it is.0
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As someone that has been married forever to a man who never said a bad word about me getting really fat, thin and fat gain and now shrinking.. Same nice words if I am fat or thin. I would expect NO less ever. I am shaking my head wondering why you are putting up with him one more second. I personally would put some fear in him by taking some time alone and explaining why. If he ever puts you down again after a warning kick his manipulative butt to the curb. If he is so into perfection in your body and his what is he going to say about a slightly chunky toddler with their cute little fat thighs? Your a big girl and can walk away. A child he decided to erode their confidence cant.
WIChelle - if I ever find a man like yours I will seriously consider marrying again. Congrats, you found a keeper! I've always said the really good men are married, in a relationship or gay! :sad: (My friend's advice was to find a legal but young one and "train him well" but that takes more energy than I have, I prefer one already broke in! :laugh: )0 -
For the love of god kick his *kitten* out when he acts like a jerk. Go to your Moms for a few weeks and just tell him that you are joking .
I think this lady is right wrong. Your husband is way out of line. I've been a pastor for many years and usually when someone is as insensitive as he is, only shock therapy works.0 -
Hello everybody, thanks you all for taking time to answer and support me!
I dont have relatives over here, besides his family, so I wont be able to move out for a while, I just got a room in a touristic center for the week end.
His comment about it being a boy not a girl its about some cultural old belief, that boy make that mum pretty during pregnancy, and girls make the mum swell even more and gets ugly. My sister in law is pregnant of a girl, and my in laws cant stop comparing us, how i stayed thin bc i have a boy and how she swell bc its a girl ( she is 8 months pregnant, thank god she gained weight),.... sensitivity or personal boundary seems be missing in the constitution of this country!!!
Anyways, this is how it went this morning, he wake up all lovey dovey, being all nice and sweet, he clearly knew i was still mad, saying come on, why I was still mad, I didnt respond, until he saw me packing, then he wents nuts, starting saying how i was blowing things out of propoertion, and get me to tell him what did he wrong!? Where was i going to go !? And why i was packing a swimsuit.
Then i went on: dont you dare make this about me overeacting and that his little whale needs a break and will go take a dive". He did his usual speech:" You know that i am just teasing you, i adore your body, i think you are perfect,..yadi yadi yada."
I then name how frenquently he does it, and how often i tell him that i find it hurtfull, whats the point of joking or teasing me about smth, that according to u its not even true, that i dont think its funny and that hurts me !?! And you know it does!!! Would you like me to give you a taste about your own medicine, would you think its funny, how would you react !?
He recognize, that he wouldnt like it either, he wont do it again and he apologize for being so insensitive, BUT, when i asked why does he do it then, he keeps on apologizing and saying that he doesnt know why, just didnt realize he went that far.
I then said, that for him to stop, he needs to know whats the reason behind that behavior, that i need a break for the weekend anyways, i will go back monday after work, but by then I hope he will figure out a solution to find out why.
He tried coming with me or making me stay, I just told him that I was not mad at him anymore, just really concerned about his behavior, and the baby and us serve healthier environnement to live in. BUT I really needed this weekend off everything.
He can understand, and he will go to therapy if he needed to , I jumped on the idea, and i said i think its great you thought of it, Monday after 6, works for me!
So we will see...thanks again, I really would have lost it without your support, thanks a lot!!
Sounds like you did exactly the right thing here. You made it enough of a shock for him to realize it is a serious issue for you, and sounds like he's the one now reaching to change, that's good. Just keep in mind though, you did join another culture there, and things will be a bit different than American "ideals". Here this kind of behavior would probably be from an abusive person and close to a lost cause, whereas there, this might be a case of him acting out in a way that is acceptable there, but still cares for you, not an abusive person.
You've got his attention, keep it and show him how it makes you feel. I wouldn't do anything more rash or abusive back like some have urged you to do though. Its not a "tit for tat" game that some would take there anger out on the other partner for. Follow through with the therapy and in the future if he does it again show him you are serious and need time away from him again, don't let it slide, and positively reinforce him when he doesn't do this. If he cares about you he will stop the behavior, but if its a "cultural" thing, there will be "relapses", so be ready to set your boundaries. And also at the same time keep in mind it is another culture, he's not going to react the way most Americans will, he will need reinforcement of this other ideal that he did not grow up with.0 -
Wow.
This situation escalated quickly.
:indifferent:0 -
in for hormones0
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When I read this I could feel my blood pressure rising! I spent 28 years of my life married to a jerk like that and I still recall how he made me feel when I was pregnant with our first child. You will never be more beautiful than you are right now so trust me, the problem is alllll his!. Please adore the wonderful event that your body is accomplishing and see the beauty of it. If he starts that BS again, don't accomodate his games. Hold your head up, walk away, and say, " I don't need your opinion, I KNOW me and my baby are beautiful! God bless you...be strong!0
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It sounds like he is teasing you. I've never been able to understand why men do that. My husband doesn't do that, but when I was a kid my uncle would call me fat in front of his friends until I was struggling to hold back the tears. It was so uncomfortable to be made a focus of attention like that. It got to the point that everyone was really uncomfortable. He thought it was funny because I was so incredibly slender. And he's a nice guy. He just takes the teasing too far. It's only funny to them and not to anyone else. Your husband really needs to stop with the teasing, especially when you are pregnant. he sounds like a doofas (no offense to other doofases).0
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Wow.
This situation escalated quickly.
:indifferent:
Did they break up already?0 -
Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.
When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.
I support this. Penis shame him. He is likely acting out of his own insecurities..
I would also maybe make it obvious other men find you attractive, pregnant et al.0 -
When a partner starts verbally breaking down the other, under the cover of "joking" it's the beginning of the end.0
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