husband jokes' about my body

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  • craftywitch_63
    craftywitch_63 Posts: 829 Member
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    As someone that has been married forever to a man who never said a bad word about me getting really fat, thin and fat gain and now shrinking.. Same nice words if I am fat or thin. I would expect NO less ever. I am shaking my head wondering why you are putting up with him one more second. I personally would put some fear in him by taking some time alone and explaining why. If he ever puts you down again after a warning kick his manipulative butt to the curb. If he is so into perfection in your body and his what is he going to say about a slightly chunky toddler with their cute little fat thighs? Your a big girl and can walk away. A child he decided to erode their confidence cant.

    WIChelle - if I ever find a man like yours I will seriously consider marrying again. Congrats, you found a keeper! I've always said the really good men are married, in a relationship or gay! :sad: (My friend's advice was to find a legal but young one and "train him well" but that takes more energy than I have, I prefer one already broke in! :laugh: )
  • ChaplainHeavin
    ChaplainHeavin Posts: 426 Member
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    For the love of god kick his *kitten* out when he acts like a jerk. Go to your Moms for a few weeks and just tell him that you are joking .

    I think this lady is right wrong. Your husband is way out of line. I've been a pastor for many years and usually when someone is as insensitive as he is, only shock therapy works.
  • SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFish
    SoLongAndThanksForAllTheFish Posts: 831 Member
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    Hello everybody, thanks you all for taking time to answer and support me!

    I dont have relatives over here, besides his family, so I wont be able to move out for a while, I just got a room in a touristic center for the week end.

    His comment about it being a boy not a girl its about some cultural old belief, that boy make that mum pretty during pregnancy, and girls make the mum swell even more and gets ugly. My sister in law is pregnant of a girl, and my in laws cant stop comparing us, how i stayed thin bc i have a boy and how she swell bc its a girl ( she is 8 months pregnant, thank god she gained weight),.... sensitivity or personal boundary seems be missing in the constitution of this country!!!

    Anyways, this is how it went this morning, he wake up all lovey dovey, being all nice and sweet, he clearly knew i was still mad, saying come on, why I was still mad, I didnt respond, until he saw me packing, then he wents nuts, starting saying how i was blowing things out of propoertion, and get me to tell him what did he wrong!? Where was i going to go !? And why i was packing a swimsuit.
    Then i went on: dont you dare make this about me overeacting and that his little whale needs a break and will go take a dive". He did his usual speech:" You know that i am just teasing you, i adore your body, i think you are perfect,..yadi yadi yada."

    I then name how frenquently he does it, and how often i tell him that i find it hurtfull, whats the point of joking or teasing me about smth, that according to u its not even true, that i dont think its funny and that hurts me !?! And you know it does!!! Would you like me to give you a taste about your own medicine, would you think its funny, how would you react !?

    He recognize, that he wouldnt like it either, he wont do it again and he apologize for being so insensitive, BUT, when i asked why does he do it then, he keeps on apologizing and saying that he doesnt know why, just didnt realize he went that far.

    I then said, that for him to stop, he needs to know whats the reason behind that behavior, that i need a break for the weekend anyways, i will go back monday after work, but by then I hope he will figure out a solution to find out why.

    He tried coming with me or making me stay, I just told him that I was not mad at him anymore, just really concerned about his behavior, and the baby and us serve healthier environnement to live in. BUT I really needed this weekend off everything.

    He can understand, and he will go to therapy if he needed to , I jumped on the idea, and i said i think its great you thought of it, Monday after 6, works for me!

    So we will see...thanks again, I really would have lost it without your support, thanks a lot!!

    Sounds like you did exactly the right thing here. You made it enough of a shock for him to realize it is a serious issue for you, and sounds like he's the one now reaching to change, that's good. Just keep in mind though, you did join another culture there, and things will be a bit different than American "ideals". Here this kind of behavior would probably be from an abusive person and close to a lost cause, whereas there, this might be a case of him acting out in a way that is acceptable there, but still cares for you, not an abusive person.

    You've got his attention, keep it and show him how it makes you feel. I wouldn't do anything more rash or abusive back like some have urged you to do though. Its not a "tit for tat" game that some would take there anger out on the other partner for. Follow through with the therapy and in the future if he does it again show him you are serious and need time away from him again, don't let it slide, and positively reinforce him when he doesn't do this. If he cares about you he will stop the behavior, but if its a "cultural" thing, there will be "relapses", so be ready to set your boundaries. And also at the same time keep in mind it is another culture, he's not going to react the way most Americans will, he will need reinforcement of this other ideal that he did not grow up with.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    Wow.

    This situation escalated quickly.

    :indifferent:
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,932 Member
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    in for hormones
  • booksgiver
    booksgiver Posts: 149 Member
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    When I read this I could feel my blood pressure rising! I spent 28 years of my life married to a jerk like that and I still recall how he made me feel when I was pregnant with our first child. You will never be more beautiful than you are right now so trust me, the problem is alllll his!. Please adore the wonderful event that your body is accomplishing and see the beauty of it. If he starts that BS again, don't accomodate his games. Hold your head up, walk away, and say, " I don't need your opinion, I KNOW me and my baby are beautiful! God bless you...be strong!
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    It sounds like he is teasing you. I've never been able to understand why men do that. My husband doesn't do that, but when I was a kid my uncle would call me fat in front of his friends until I was struggling to hold back the tears. It was so uncomfortable to be made a focus of attention like that. It got to the point that everyone was really uncomfortable. He thought it was funny because I was so incredibly slender. And he's a nice guy. He just takes the teasing too far. It's only funny to them and not to anyone else. Your husband really needs to stop with the teasing, especially when you are pregnant. he sounds like a doofas (no offense to other doofases).
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
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    Wow.

    This situation escalated quickly.

    :indifferent:

    Did they break up already?
  • itsadogslife
    itsadogslife Posts: 209
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    Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.

    When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.

    I support this. Penis shame him. He is likely acting out of his own insecurities..

    I would also maybe make it obvious other men find you attractive, pregnant et al.
  • cpcoursec
    cpcoursec Posts: 82 Member
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    When a partner starts verbally breaking down the other, under the cover of "joking" it's the beginning of the end.
  • luadams2
    luadams2 Posts: 122
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    I am married 32 years and my husband was never meaner than when I was pregnant or had small young children. I don't know why it affects some men this way, but I read it over and over and have experienced it myself. All I can say is put his negative comments on a shelf. They have nothing to do with you but more with his own lack of self esteem or anger or whatever other personal baggage he's carrying. Tell him his jokes are NOT funny.

    Take care of yourself and your baby.
  • SusanaLdn
    SusanaLdn Posts: 121 Member
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    Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.

    When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.

    This is full of win :drinker:
  • SusanaLdn
    SusanaLdn Posts: 121 Member
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    Book:

    Boundaries
    Written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
    ISBN-13 978-0-310-24745-6

    May not fix everything, but will give you a place to start...

    And another win!
  • crissi725
    crissi725 Posts: 82
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    Oh honey. Get out NOW. Things will only get worse after the baby is here. Stories like these RARELY turn out better. Unless he recognizes that he is providing a challenge instead of support and agrees to work together to find a solution to his need to pick at you. But from the sound of it, he has a terrible case of "Gaslighting". He's keeping the power in his hands by making you and your thoughts seem unimportant with remarks like "you are being too sensitive."


    Dude. Get the EFF out.
  • Loralrose
    Loralrose Posts: 203
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    I'm glad things are looking up for you. Him admitting to doing something wrong is the first step to making changes. Hopefully he will fix his behavior and start treating you with respect.

    Please be careful though. A person can say they're sorry but it means nothing unless they change their actions. If he "teases" you again tell him off. Don't accept "it's just a joke." When he says that, what he's saying is that making you feel bad is a JOKE to him! It doesn't matter how sensitive you are... if he cares about you he will not deliberately hurt you. End of story.
  • angelicprettyy
    angelicprettyy Posts: 143
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    Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.

    When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.

    And repeat frequently.
    ^^^^^^
  • RaggedyPond
    RaggedyPond Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Tell him you want him to start taking Viagra because he just isn't doing it for you.
  • BillyJan1992
    BillyJan1992 Posts: 171 Member
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    All women deserve to be treated like a queen and like they should be treated with respect, honor, love, kindness, compassion, and like they are the best part of every man's world.
  • ChristineD1234
    ChristineD1234 Posts: 9
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    Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.

    When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.

    And repeat frequently.

    This.This.This.

    What a jerk nozzle. Honestly. I agree with everyone else, go stay with your mom or a friend for a few days.

    Yes - go to your mom's or a friend's. What he is saying is toxic, and he needs to know it is not acceptable.
  • andylowry
    andylowry Posts: 89
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    I'm not an old old guy, but I can see sixty from here. I've known a lot of different people in a lot of different situations over the years and have been able to observe some general trends in the way things go. I have never seen this sort of behavior not escalate into worse and worse.

    He clearly has no respect for you as a person now. Do you think he will at some later time? Are you hoping, as some people do, that the baby will "bring you together?"

    Run while you can, and be grateful that you saw that your path leads over a cliff early enough to go a different way.

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