Is marriage still worth it?
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I asked myself the same question after looking at a bunch of friends in bad marriages. Here is what I decided:
1) I would only marry someone I considered my best friend
2) I would only get married if we agreed up front that there would not be any discussion of divorce: it was not to be used as a threat or a way to solve problems.*
I have been married for four years to my best friend. We did premarital counseling (please, please do this - I was friends with my husband for 15 years before we got married and I learned new things about him in this process) and our marriage is worth it. It is has not been easy as we have had a number of bumps in the road (job loss, disagreements, money issues, etc.) but those happen in every relationship.
I wouldn't want to be married to anyone who wouldn't want to play as much as I do. He feels the same way. If you are a match you will know deep down she's the right one.
*Please note: Unfortunately, I have had many friends that have had to get divorced for good cause - abuse, serial unfaithfulness, dangerous behaviors, etc. Divorce in these limited circumstances is often necessary, but I would not expect that my best friend would ever treat me in such a way; therefore, divorce is not a consideration.0 -
NO!!! I am figuring out a reason to divorce my husband....no seriously its beautiful thing with the right person.0
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"...til death do us part."
When you get married, you are agreeing to jointly allocate resources for the rest of your life. Depending on your age, that could be 20 years, 40 years, 60 years, or more. Before deciding to get married, it is important to understand whether you can even conceive of that length of time.
When my students get married at 18 or 19 or 20, I ask them how long in the future they are even able to evaluate their choices. These are kids who had a term paper assigned 16 weeks before it was due, and they wrote the paper 48 hours before they turned it in. If they can't allocate their time over 16 weeks, how can they plan to allocate their time for the next 80 years?
I love being the apparent exception to this rule. I was 20 when I married my 19 year old boyfriend (He turned 19 just 10 days before our wedding) We've been married almost 14 years and our love is as strong as ever. We have survived, job loss, cancer, debt, three children under 6! ... life in general.
When I got married I knew that I loved him no matter what. That is what I knew. And... I knew he loved me no matter what. That was all that mattered. That is all that should matter. If you have a conditional love, then you probably shouldn't get married.
My parents were both 20 when they were married and they have been married 45 years...
If you are looking for examples of marriages that last you'll find them. If you are looking at marriages that failed, you will most certainly find them!
ETA: While I had a great example of love and marriage from my parents my husband had the exact opposite. His parents divorced when he was 6, a nasty bitter divorce, that remains a bitter relationship to this day. His father remarried and is in an odd marriage to say the least. His mother went on to remary as well into a loveless marriage that also ended in another divorce . So it's not always the example that is set for you.0 -
Absolutely. Don't not get married because JUST because you are afraid of divorce.0
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I'm married with a 9 yr old Son. In my sons class at school, there is only 2 kids that have both parents living in the home/married. So sadly, it does seem that marriage isn't as popular anymore. a little girl said to my Son, "so your mom and Dad have the same last name, that's weird " she clearly didn't understand , as her parents where not ever married. I understand that not all relationships work out, but it's sad to see so many kids from broken homes.0
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It is hard work, but in my opinion, it is completely worth it. Throughout the 10 years of our marriage we have had our shares of problems, and I am sure there will be rocky roads ahead at times too. At the end of the day, it is up to you and your girlfriend. Marriage may not honestly be for everyone. But for me, I cannot imagine coming home and not seeing my wife and children everyday.0
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I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
It is worth being with someone who uplifts you, supports you, appreciates you, and accepts you, and for whom you can do the same.
This is the type of relationship in which children thrive and become healthy adults.
Whether you call this marriage or living together or a long term partnership, or anything else doesn't really matter. What matters is the quality and the determination to persevere even through hard patches because you respect and believe in one another.0 -
My parents were married to each other till the day my father died a couple of years ago. He was an alcoholic and we bore the brunt of his verbal abuse throughout my entire life (I was unplanned, he started drinking when I was born and he was made redundant). He clearly wasn't happy being a family man, and my poor mother was treated appallingly for much of the time - apart from the occasional flowers and cards where he redeclared his undying love and appreciation for her and she believed it. When I was about 14 I asked her why she wouldn't leave him - I may have begged her to leave him, actually. Aside from a perceived 'stigma' she said when she made her vows she meant them, and that at the beginning of the marriage 'he was so different'. They were both Christians - Dad said 'the only way I'm going is in a box' - but then again he was very much looked after. I have a sister and brother who are both about a decade older than me. My sister has severe learning disabilities and I know my father tried to pin a lot of the reason he drank on her. My brother still lives with my mother. He gets up when my mother and sister are asleep, smokes dope and drinks. He doesn't lift a finger to help her and she's never given him an ultimatum. There are no consequences in that household and it terrifies me. The last straw for me was when I confronted my brother about his treatment of our parents and he hit me in the face. My Dad, who didn't witness the incident, shouted at him, and then nothing else happened. Bear in mind I was about 21 and he was about 30 at that point. I knew I would never feel safe there again and I very seldom visit. That house has the most oppressive atmosphere.
So why am I rambling? The word 'success' has been used a lot and indeed when marriages split they are often referred to as having 'failed'. I think fear of being seen as a failure keeps a lot of unhappy people together. Mum would've been happier with a man that genuinely respected her (I forgot to add the occasional racist and misogynist comments Dad made) and not just depended on her and Dad would've been happier as a single man. I have been in a few long term relationships in my time and never wanted to marry, mainly because of the fear of being 'trapped' and escape being legally fraught and expensive. Also the fact it's grounded in patriarchy and the passing on of women as property is a bit offputting to this old feminist. My last partner turned out to be a part time alcoholic as well as many other things, and once I was in a position to leave him it was all done within a week. Thankfully I'm now with a very loving, caring man who adores me, as I him. I love him so much that I want him to be happy, and if one day he changes and I no longer factor in his life, that's OK too. To me, it's more romantic that every single day we choose to be together. Not because of legal obligation, not because of social pressure but because we want to.
If I grow a maternal instinct over the next couple of years and decide to have babies I may have to rethink this as the shame of a '*kitten*' (her words, not mine) grandchild might kill my mother. She also can't work out why I'm not already married with children to any of my totally unsuitable exes.
If there's lots of money and property and kids and stuff it's probably best to put a ring on it, for the protection of you both. None of this applies to me, and I certainly don't want a big old expensive party in which everyone tells me and my partner how great we are. I know this makes me sound like a strange woman, but with my childhood I was bound to be!0 -
Being a cynic I will respond that 'nothing is guaranteed'. My mum and dad met when my mum was 15 and dad was 18. They married a month after my mum turned 18 and I came along just over 20 months later, followed closely by my younger brother and sister. My dad passed away just after he turned 34 of a rare and aggressive leukaemia, she has stayed single since then (29 years)...Life is too short to have that many regrets. Marriage is not for everyone and if it's not for you and you are happy as you are why marry (is it for religious reasons?)? Do what feels right. I personally do not believe that children get any more stability out of a family joined by marriage than one joined by love but everyone is different...it's down to you as a couple to decide what is right for you and go with that.0
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I was proposed to by my husband 4 weeks after we met, I said yes, but alot happened and we had to keep cancelling the wedding, we never married until 16 years later, we wished we had done it when we met, but it was still what we wanted to complete our relationship and we split up recently after 20 years together.
If it is what you both want then go for it, life is too short. Divorce doesn''t have to be traumatic and expensive. Everyones experiences are different.
No one knows how long a relationship will last.
( don't put yourselves in alot of debt by doing it though.. money is a stress on a relationship.)
Its about your commitment to each other all that matters is that you are both there and want this.0 -
It works out great for some people and not so great for other people as you can see from the postings! If you're both ready, then I'd pop the question. I mean, clearly you already care about her a lot and, honestly, would it be any less hard if you broke up now than say if you were married (sure, there'd be some legal documents). Yes, kids would complicate things IF you split up, but you never know. You know one thing I've never heard any divorced person say is that they regretted having their kids (sure, they might have wished they'd had that same kid at another time, when they had more money or something, but I've never heard one say if only that child hadn't been born...).
If your only fear is of divorce, then that is normal and not something I'd let stop me! Live in the moment and don't worry so much about what can or might happen.0 -
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Nows the gays can do it? Worthless!
(Yes, that's a joke.)
However... I was amused there was so much fuss over it, when I certainly don't see it as a 'requirement' for happiness and so on.
Infact, if anyone 'needs' to be married to their partner specifically, then marriage is probably wrong for them. A lovely catch 22
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I hope so0
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in0
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I have been married almost 6 years. I'm young and it's been the best 6 years I could imagine. Also the hardest. I've gone through a lot and my husband has been right here.
That said, he'd be here even if we weren't married. Marriage isn't a requirement, it has to be something YOU and your partner want and feel is a step you want to take. You can have kids, you can buy a house, you can do everything a couple who is married can do. It's all up to you. If your relationship ends, you'll still feel pain, it will still feel like a divorce. It's the end of something great and it will hurt. Marriage or not, your love wont change.0 -
Of course. It's for life, two become one. Personal sacrifice is required, not optional. Highlight the vow..."For better or for worse" because there will be both. And, kids change everything about your life, you are now responsible for the life off another. Marriage is not easy but it's worth it. Personally, I suggest pre-marital planning or counseling to help ensure both parties are on the same page. I also recommend the two discuss faith and marry in their church with their loved ones present.0
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If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.0 -
Im newly married and honestly its really hard but it is so worth it. As long as you and your spouse are willing to get up and make the effort to make it work even on the days you don't want to then yes a million times over.0
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"...til death do us part."
When you get married, you are agreeing to jointly allocate resources for the rest of your life. Depending on your age, that could be 20 years, 40 years, 60 years, or more. Before deciding to get married, it is important to understand whether you can even conceive of that length of time.
When my students get married at 18 or 19 or 20, I ask them how long in the future they are even able to evaluate their choices. These are kids who had a term paper assigned 16 weeks before it was due, and they wrote the paper 48 hours before they turned it in. If they can't allocate their time over 16 weeks, how can they plan to allocate their time for the next 80 years?
Above ^^^^ is not true for many people. I married at 19 hubs was 21. We were best friends for 4 years before that. After marrying we had 3 kids. This month we celebrated our 33 year of marriage. We have never mentally allocated time to be married. It is - our life. It is - ALWAYS.
I would recommend marriage counseling before marriage. And when times get tough to go back. Because there will be tough times. It is not butterflies and kittens. Many people young and old just decide to divorce when times get tough. But to have a successful marriage you need to work at it. All marriages will at times have a tough road. And it will be work to bring it back to what you want. Your partner has to be just as willing to work on your marriage at these times as you. And a marriage can be heart wrenching sometimes. Be aware there can be things that are absolutely good reason to divorce. I think you can avoid much of the pit falls of divorce with understanding this girl friend has to be your one and only best friend and to get counseling.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, a life, a chore, test your patience, test your love, a learning experience, you have to be willing to change yourself and your attitude.
With you questioning, here, I would be leerily of your reason to marry. This forum is not the place to take marriage advice. We are not you and your girl friend. I would suspect that many, many have no degree in the subject either. Please look into getting advice from a professional. Your church or a therapist. This should help you better understand what it takes to have a successful marriage.
Good luck -0 -
I think it depends on your train of thought. I met my husband when we were both in the army, I Just turned 20 and he was about to turn 21.. We got married after 5 months of knowing each other and will be 6 years in August. We have 2 kids a 3 year old girl and a 3 month old boy. Im not going to tell you that it hasn't been difficult at times.. But in the end it depends on your love and commitment. We argue, we fight, we yell.. BUt at the end of the day we know our love i strong enough to withold anything. There is no point where we would be better off without each other. Unless he cheated..
IF you love her and know that your love is true and no matter what yall will fight for it, then I say get married.! If you are doubting your love, or thinking there is a chance you will give up later.. then I'd say no.0 -
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
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I've been married six years and I ask myself that almost every day.0
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I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
It's been worth it to me. Our 14th anniversary is coming up. I have no regrets about marrying him.
You both have to be invested in the marriage. Talk about everything you're concerned about now and make sure you're both in agreement.
After the initial euphoric stage, marriage is a choice to be monogamous and you make that choice every day. You have to be both committed to the commitment you make. If either one of you craves the single lifestyle then don't get married. No one has to get married these days.0 -
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
It does if you want legal rights for things.0 -
I would never recommend going into a marriage and only fearing that it won't work out. Just don't have that mentality.
My husband and I married quite young (we were both 23) and a lot of people thought it wasn't going to work out but we're almost 30 now and still going strong. Divorce isn't even part of the equation. People argue and bicker but adults can compromise and work something out when theres a problem. I think that's something you have to really commit to. It's not always rainbows and love but it's worth it when you can share the best parts of your life with your best friend.0 -
I love being married! My hubby and I have been together for 7 1/2 years and will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary in June.
We survived being apart for six months while he was in the US and I was in the UK, we survived an overseas move, we survived both losing our jobs one after another and now we are just about to be apart for another six months as we move overseas again.
Marriage is what you make of it. Something fundamentally changes when you get married, and it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is. For me, I;ve only just recently realized how much more commitment we have after getting married.
We try to do things for each other, we think about the other during the day, we know how to cheer each other up, we've been through difficult times, we enjoy spending time together and thinking about new things we can learn to do. Most of all, we give each other the space we need when we just want time to ourselves or to hang out with friends and we our own people for a while.
Like you (and others) have said, marriage isn't for everyone but for me, it has been the most overwhelmingly positive and amazing thing I have ever done. And my hubs is hawt!!0 -
I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
You can apply the same logic (above) to the reason why you won't drive a car, for not smoking, to not eat processed sugar, etc. It sounds more like an excuse for NOT making a commitment.
Going on 28 years of marriage for my wife and me. Both of our parents were married for over 50 years before the good Lord took them. We are both traditional household offspring.
One thing that many people confuse is the Hollywood version of marriage. Head over heels in love - forevah - or, when that feeling fades, time to move on. Marriage is nothing like that in the long run. It is much, much more. In this "what's in it for me" world, it is easy to lose sight of the commitment made to each other.0 -
Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
It does if you want legal rights for things.
-shrug-
EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.0 -
Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
It does if you want legal rights for things.
-shrug-
EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.
It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.0
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