Is marriage still worth it?
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I guess it depends on how strong your relationship is. I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for nearly 6 so far. We have 2 children and our 3rd is due next Sun.
My parents have been married for 40 years this October, so I've grown up in a 'traditional' household and think relationships are worth working for. Of course there are times when relationships get tested, but it doesn't mean you have to get divorced.
My husband's mum has been married 3 times, but she got married at 17 first time, and she had my husband at 17. My husband pretty much grew up without his dad, and I think that's made him want to be here for his kids, and for me.
I love my husband very much and can't imagine life without him, and I really hate the thought of my kids not having 2 parents.
Kids of a divorced couple still have two parents. My ex and I split when my son was five. My ex is a great dad even if we weren't compatible as husband and wife.0 -
I believe in marriage. In love. In romance. I'm a softie, romantic!
And I'm divorced.
Marriage is certainly not for everyone and it is not easy. But I read an interview with an elderly couple that said the key to their long marriage is respect, support and you never hold a grudge. I think it's as simple as that. Obviously there is more needed...passion, laughter, etc....but those won't last long if the respect is not there. Unfortunately the internet and social media has not helped the respect aspect. People cross lines that shouldn't be crossed and it just opens a can of worms.
The irony is that I know many in 2nd marriages that are doing well. Maybe they've learned from the first what is really worth being upset about and also just what to look for. Many people get married early on because they feel a pressure to. Maybe they are at a certain age or they start wanting children. That makes you make choices that might not be great in the long run. Not always!!
You need to have a good foundation. These are the high stress years. Jobs, mortgages, children, recession..That puts a stress on even the strongest marriages. If the foundation is good..you'll get up and over the hump. If it's swiss cheese...It's probably not going to last...at least not without misery.0 -
Marriage Isn’t For You
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Seth Adam Smith / November 2, 2013
This was a lovely story thanks for sharing.0 -
It really just depends on your relationship. Getting married to someone just because it's 'the right time" is ridiculous as is people who get married just for the wedding and don't think 3 years down the road. We've been happily married for almost 10 years but we were best friends before that. Obviously our looks have changed but our friendship is still at the core and while people say marriage doesn't change your relationship, it does. There is a trust and more love than you can imagine when you stand up and declare to each other that you are in it for forever. Maybe with people who think of divorce as either an option or an inevitability, marriage is nothing, but I can't imagine what my life would be like without my husband. I wouldn't want to.0
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I was married in 98 and am currently in the middle of a divorce that I never dreamed would happen to us. Our kids are 13 and 11. It is the hardest thing I've ever done but it was necessary. I am not against marriage I just think it takes so much work and most people want things to be easy If they have to work hard it's usually not worth it to them
I got married in 1998 as well. Though we split in 2006, my son is 12, so roughly the age your kids are now. It gets easier. It's so hard being in a bad marriage. Though, getting divorced is tough, once you are through the logistics and settle into a new definition of normal, you'll hopefully feel the benefits of living separately outweigh the thoughts about divorce and having had to start over.0 -
No one here can answer that question for you.
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No one here can answer that question for you.
This. Everyone has their reasons to or not to get married. It's something I'd like to do one day, but when and if I do, it will be because I want to spend my life with that person. Not for other reasons. I think getting married "because it's what people do" or going in with a mindset that you don't know how long it'll last or whether it'll be permanent, then it's not really worth it. Obviously there are reasons that marriage doesn't work out for some even if they're really committed, but in the end I think that's really important that you're doing it for the right reasons, not because you feel obligated or anything like that. If it's what you really want, it'll be worth it to you. But marriage does not equate to selfless love and devotion or something like that. I think people get the wrong idea sometimes. If you just want to stay in a relationship, common law or just in general, then I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. It doesn't change how much you love someone, but I think right now marriage is seen as a convenience and a disposable thing, and in that case- yeah, there will be a lot of divorces.0 -
Bump0
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I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.
Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.
If you have to ask then you answered your own question. You are not ready. When you are ready and find the right person then you won't need to ask!0 -
D'awwww, that's so sweet! :flowerforyou:Marriage Isn’t For You
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Seth Adam Smith / November 2, 20130 -
Relationships are such a turn off to me. I'm at a point in my life where although I know that being in love is an amazing feeling, getting close enough to someone in order to fall in love with them is usually a load of crap. And once you're in love, chances are it won't work out. So I shy away from relationships altogether. Sure, 3-5-10 years down the road maybe I'll want to get married and settle down once and for all, but as of now that's not what I'm interested in. The closest thing to a long term relationship I have is with my ex-bf and best friend who also likes to keep others at a distance. He left me after our first argument. I'd do the darn same, too. Maybe that's why we're best friends...we 'get' each other. Aint gonna work out as a couple, but we understand each other and that means a lot in our friendship. But back to the point...yes, I'd say marriage is worth it with the right person...but finding 'the right person' can basically be a life long journey. That basically IS life...either we find a partner and then live the rest of our lives with them, or we go through life hopping relationship to relationship in hopes that this will be the last one. It's exhausting.0
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As a female I was expected to have dreamed of my big white wedding as a little girl and literally have everything set in place for when it would happen.
I then had a few boyfriends at high school and college but none induced the romantic side in me. I didn't even consider having babies as a thing for me.
But that all changed when at college one day I spotted a guy across the canteen. This sounds corny, but it was literally like he was the only person in the room with me, despite the canteen being full of other people. We went on a double date but then concentrated on our studies and went our separate ways.
Once I had graduated college, I contacted him again to see how his course was and to catch up on everything. One thing led to another and we went on a date the following day. Now 9 years later we are still going strong and will have been married for 4 years come May 19! We didn't have a massive wedding but it was perfect to us. We haven't yet had babies because I had to have a kidney transplant 3 years ago and we are now building our own house. When the time is right it will hopefully happen. We wanted nothing more than to just be married and have a happy life together.
If it is meant to be you will know.0 -
When I was 19 I went to visit my uncle one weekend. He was running his district's part of the Democratic party's senate campaign, so I dropped in on him there. He said, "Oh, good, (this girl)'s partner has left and she needs someone to collect signatures with." (They didn't send teenagers out solo; very sensible in New York City.) So he drafted me into doing that, and going to bring back pizza for the office full of campaign workers, and stuffing envelopes, and putting up posters... all the while with this girl. Really nice girl. Sometime after midnight, still working, I realized that this was more than a busy working time with a really nice girl. Two years later I proposed; two years after that we got married.
Here's the scary (in a good way) part: I was slow. She told me much later that as soon as she laid eyes on me, she knew that I was IT, and she thought "Oh, no!" Which, given the way I looked at 19 in 1968, was a thoroughly reasonable reaction.
I don't much believe in miracles, but ... There's a Yiddish word, "beshert" (בעשטרט ; the "er" sounds like "air", like "buh-SHARE-t"), which means "the perfect mate for you; the match that Heaven planned for you"; some of my friends prefer my wording, "your match who couldn't have been more perfect if the plans had been made in Heaven". She was mine. Those were the best 42 years of my life.0 -
Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
It does if you want legal rights for things.
-shrug-
EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.
It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.
That stuff doesn't matter anymore. You might be living in the 1960's. Lol.
My mom had breast cancer and was with her boyfriend for over 20 years. Had no problem with him seeing her in the hospital or any other issue. In many ways, it's actually more financially advantages to not marry. But, all the things you mention are just silly.
Because it didn't happen to you doesn't make it silly. It is a real concern for people.0 -
I'd hope its worth it.
Im such a hopeless romantic. Id love to get married and have kids in my future.
So sad that so many people nowadays are going through divorce. its almost seem as being normal now.0 -
If you find the right person. It's the best decision I ever made.0
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To each their own.0
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Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
I'm happy for you, I am..If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.
But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.
Congrats, though
It does if you want legal rights for things.
-shrug-
EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.
It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.
That stuff doesn't matter anymore. You might be living in the 1960's. Lol.
My mom had breast cancer and was with her boyfriend for over 20 years. Had no problem with him seeing her in the hospital or any other issue. In many ways, it's actually more financially advantages to not marry. But, all the things you mention are just silly.
Because it didn't happen to you doesn't make it silly. It is a real concern for people.
It's not a concern for anyone. It's a fantasy in your head. It's not the world anymore.
Yup, tell that to my aunt who if she was married she would get the survivor's benefits due to her. But it's a fantasy. Right.
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