Is marriage still worth it?

WVmom24

Relationships are such a turn off to me. I'm at a point in my life where although I know that being in love is an amazing feeling, getting close enough to someone in order to fall in love with them is usually a load of crap. And once you're in love, chances are it won't work out. So I shy away from relationships altogether. Sure, 3-5-10 years down the road maybe I'll want to get married and settle down once and for all, but as of now that's not what I'm interested in. The closest thing to a long term relationship I have is with my ex-bf and best friend who also likes to keep others at a distance. He left me after our first argument. I'd do the darn same, too. Maybe that's why we're best friends...we 'get' each other. Aint gonna work out as a couple, but we understand each other and that means a lot in our friendship. But back to the point...yes, I'd say marriage is worth it with the right person...but finding 'the right person' can basically be a life long journey. That basically IS life...either we find a partner and then live the rest of our lives with them, or we go through life hopping relationship to relationship in hopes that this will be the last one. It's exhausting.

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rosettafaery

As a female I was expected to have dreamed of my big white wedding as a little girl and literally have everything set in place for when it would happen.
I then had a few boyfriends at high school and college but none induced the romantic side in me. I didn't even consider having babies as a thing for me.
But that all changed when at college one day I spotted a guy across the canteen. This sounds corny, but it was literally like he was the only person in the room with me, despite the canteen being full of other people. We went on a double date but then concentrated on our studies and went our separate ways.
Once I had graduated college, I contacted him again to see how his course was and to catch up on everything. One thing led to another and we went on a date the following day. Now 9 years later we are still going strong and will have been married for 4 years come May 19! We didn't have a massive wedding but it was perfect to us. We haven't yet had babies because I had to have a kidney transplant 3 years ago and we are now building our own house. When the time is right it will hopefully happen. We wanted nothing more than to just be married and have a happy life together.
If it is meant to be you will know.

udinth

When I was 19 I went to visit my uncle one weekend. He was running his district's part of the Democratic party's senate campaign, so I dropped in on him there. He said, "Oh, good, (this girl)'s partner has left and she needs someone to collect signatures with." (They didn't send teenagers out solo; very sensible in New York City.) So he drafted me into doing that, and going to bring back pizza for the office full of campaign workers, and stuffing envelopes, and putting up posters... all the while with this girl. Really nice girl. Sometime after midnight, still working, I realized that this was more than a busy working time with a really nice girl. Two years later I proposed; two years after that we got married.

Here's the scary (in a good way) part: I was slow. She told me much later that as soon as she laid eyes on me, she knew that I was IT, and she thought "Oh, no!" Which, given the way I looked at 19 in 1968, was a thoroughly reasonable reaction.

I don't much believe in miracles, but ... There's a Yiddish word, "beshert" (בעשטרט ; the "er" sounds like "air", like "buh-SHARE-t"), which means "the perfect mate for you; the match that Heaven planned for you"; some of my friends prefer my wording, "your match who couldn't have been more perfect if the plans had been made in Heaven". She was mine. Those were the best 42 years of my life.

randomtai

If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.

But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.

I'm happy for you, I am..

But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.

Congrats, though

It does if you want legal rights for things.

Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
-shrug-

EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.

It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.

That stuff doesn't matter anymore. You might be living in the 1960's. Lol.

My mom had breast cancer and was with her boyfriend for over 20 years. Had no problem with him seeing her in the hospital or any other issue. In many ways, it's actually more financially advantages to not marry. But, all the things you mention are just silly.

Because it didn't happen to you doesn't make it silly. It is a real concern for people.

lucille_heather

I'd hope its worth it.
Im such a hopeless romantic. Id love to get married and have kids in my future.
So sad that so many people nowadays are going through divorce. its almost seem as being normal now.

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TheRoadDog

If you find the right person. It's the best decision I ever made.

infinitevast

To each their own.

randomtai

If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.

But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.

I'm happy for you, I am..

But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.

Congrats, though

It does if you want legal rights for things.

Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
-shrug-

EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.

It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.

That stuff doesn't matter anymore. You might be living in the 1960's. Lol.

My mom had breast cancer and was with her boyfriend for over 20 years. Had no problem with him seeing her in the hospital or any other issue. In many ways, it's actually more financially advantages to not marry. But, all the things you mention are just silly.

Because it didn't happen to you doesn't make it silly. It is a real concern for people.

It's not a concern for anyone. It's a fantasy in your head. It's not the world anymore.

Yup, tell that to my aunt who if she was married she would get the survivor's benefits due to her. But it's a fantasy. Right.

ExtremePhobia

Why do you need to get married? And what does it matter if you get divorced?

The reason we got married was because we were planning on having kids and it makes things easier. It (theoretically) creates a more stable unit for the raising of children. Other than that, it doesn't really change much. We already lived together and really, if nobody else was paying attention then I don't think it would have mattered.

The thing is that getting married is only a few things. It's a promise on top of a promise to be together forever. It's a public perception thing. And it's a waste of money (basically).

There's no reason you can't love your girlfriend forever without spending tons of money and having family/friends/officiant validate your relationship. And similarly, if you hold this position then what does it matter if you get divorced? You would have broken up anyway. Except that you may have stuck around well after you shouldn't have and that can be even worse.

Deipneus

So sad that so many people nowadays are going through divorce. its almost seem as being normal now.

Economist Steven D. Levitt says that in the U.S., divorce has been on the decline for decades. The reason is that fewer and fewer people get married, hence fewer divorces. Today, 41% of all American children are born to unmarried parents.

elainek79

my parents are married 45 years and they will never get divorce but live completly seperate lives when we were children we were all afraid to go down stairs in the morning after plates being smashed and arguements during the night ... afraid of coming home to what mood they were in ...i love them both but they have completely put me off marriage

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seltzermint555

I think marriage is absolutely worth it. I am very happily married to the perfect man for me :-)

However, for me the topic of children is a whole other thing. I've never wanted them and will never have them. So for me when I divorced my first husband after 9 years of marriage it was rather 'easy' for a multitude of reasons but one of the biggest being NO KIDS. Made things much simpler in every way! I am one of the ONLY people I know who had a simple, easy, inexpensive and mostly amicable split and I think this is the #1 reason it was like that...no ongoing custody stuff, child support, etc.

miss_jessiejane

I think if you want to get married, you should. I also think if you don't want to get married then you probably shouldn't. A decision this important should only be made by you and your partner, because honestly y'all are the only people it impacts.

BikerGirlElaine

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

This, from someone who's been married and divorced three times, so take it for what it's worth.

WendyTerry420

I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.

Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't think that having a piece of paper has anything to do with a relationship. The piece of paper is only to simplify your life, in terms of taxes, insurance, etc. The divorce then, contrariwise, is simply to undo that process. They can be either amicable or "nucking futs," but that's dependent on the relationship, and is irrespective of the legal process involved.

If your girlfriend feels the same as you, then go for it. Like they say, people regret not having done things they wanted more than they regret the things they did. If having a family is important to you, and you believe she's the right person, then go for it. Don't let fear keep you from being happy. Que Sera, Sera. Live your life in pursuit of happiness. Bad things happen to everyone sometimes, and you can cross that bridge when you get there.

Grumpsandwich

Been with my husband 23 years, married 17 years ( been together since Jr yr high school and got married after college) . There are days i wish i could kill him but I couldnt live with out him :P I dont think anyone else would put up with my crap anyway (jk)

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WendyTerry420

I don't need some big rock on my finger for me to know he loves me. I just want him to stick by my side, be a good boyfriend and father and be faithful/loyal. & if that doesnt work out, at least he wont have wasted his money a ring and wedding. And there will be no divorce to deal with, nor will I have to carry around his last name. SO to answer your question: No I dont think marriage is worth it at all.

Marriage does not require a large rock on your finger or changing your last name. Nor do weddings have to be mega-expensive productions. And, if you have a house and children together, unwinding the relationship if it didn't work out would be pretty complicated with our without marriage.

I respect that some people choose not to get married, but many of your reasons seem to be superficial.

So true! Our wedding rings are sterling silver with semi-precious stones. It's a symbol. Our wedding cost about $150, including the permission slip from the state. It will be twenty years for us in July. :drinker:

whisperfitandhealthy

I myself have wondered if marriage is worth it. I have not found anyone I have thought "I'd love to spend forever with him!" but if I ever do then I hope we can make it work. In my family marriages don't last. Except my parents who have been married for 21 years, but my grandparents and most of my aunts/uncles have been divorced at least once. I used to be a big romantic, but going through a very bitter relationship has made me a bit harder. I don't want to say I don't believe in happily ever after, I just know it's very rare.

RenaTX

I skipped most of everyone's responses.

The hubby and I are going on 5.5 year of marriage after dating for 10 years because I worried about the same thing as you. You see everyone in my family has been divorced at least once except my parents who have been married 40 something years. They go through a lot of happiness and regrets about being together however and once when I was younger my father told me if it wasn't for the fact he brought my mother here to the United States he would have divorced her by now.

That being said my father has been in and out of hospitals since 2005 and my mother has stuck by his side and watched out for him. They still fight a lot but they are both faithful to each other.

I have a 1/2 uncle ( my grandfather's son from his first marriage) who is on his 12th marriage and I'm sure his last because he pretty much is stuck in a nursing home.

I dated my husband for 10 years and really considered marriage as not a priority in my life and figured that if we didn't work out we wouldn't have to deal with a divorce at least. Finally about 2008 we decided to marry .

I don't regret marry him. We still have our ups and downs and we will but we stick to each other and are faithful to each other. Looking back I look at the fact of what if we had split up? Sure there wouldn't be legal documents interfering with our split but besides that it still wouldn't be easy to do . We both had our lives so intertwined by each other that it would have still been messy. Luckily we both love each other and never had to find this out.

Personally I think if you aren't ready, you aren't ready but don't avoid marriage because you think divorce is messy.

WendyTerry420

Breaking up after a long term relationship, with children and shared property is going to be difficult regardless of whether you are married. It's not the marriage certificate that requires child custody decisions and property splitting - it's the existence of said children and property.

The lack of a marriage certificate just makes it easier for one party to totally screw the other.

Agreed. My aunt was in a long term relationship for 30 years, never got married, no kids. He passed away and she got royally screwed by the man's kids who had the next of kin rights. A marriage certificate would have insured that she would get his pension.

+1

I can respect the feelings behind, "We don't need a piece of paper." But TBH, without that license from the state, you *will* be in a legal bind without a pot to piss in should anything happen to your partner.

(People don't often realize it, but this is the *real* reason that the LGBT community have been fighting for the right to have that piece of paper. That piece of paper gives marriage partners legal rights that they would not have without it.)

WendyTerry420

I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.

Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.

If you have to ask then you answered your own question. You are not ready. When you are ready and find the right person then you won't need to ask!

If you don't know the OP personally, this seems a rather dogmatic opinion.

amy8400

We celebrated our 32nd anniversary this month. Been together since August 1978. We are best friends first and that's probably why marriage works for us. We've taken every journey together--saving and renovating homes, having and loving 3 great kids, helping each other through rough times, and lately working together on our fitness journey.

The secret to a good marriage is to not look at what's going on around you, but look straight ahead at the one you love. Don't worry about what people will say...that you don't have a late model car or custom-built home...or your kids aren't on the honor roll every semester.

If you and your girlfriend are truly in love and dedicated to each other, the ride ahead could be the sweetest thing you'll ever experience. The highs will be crazy good and the lows will suck...but you have each other to pull you through. Nothing better in life to know the man or woman beside you is always there for you, and you for them.

ItsCasey

I think if you're going to let other people's mistakes and poor decision-making skills determine your path in life, you have no business getting married or having children.

I can make this pretty cut-and-dried for you. If you wanted to marry her, you'd be saving for a ring and planning a proposal, not asking strangers on the Internet how they feel about marriage or assuming that because your brother failed at it, it means you're going to fail at it, too. You're stalling.

True want makes things happen.

PBsMommy

It is for me.

Biggest thing, I think people need to stop looking at everyone else and their decisions to make their own. I struggled with this a whole lot in the beginning of my marriage. I came from a long line of men infidelity in my family and just had it in my head that all men stray, causing friction between the hubby and I. When I finally opened my eyes and realized that just because this person cheated and that couple got a divorce and he beats her wife doesn't mean that my marriage will be that way as well. My hubby and I married to each other not everyone else.

That being said, I also don't understand the whole "I don't wanna get married because everyone else has ruined the sanctity of marriage." Once again I am married to my husband not everyone else. We make our marriage great regardless of the current divorce statistics. Just because the car wreck rate is going up, are you going to quit driving? What about kids? Are you going to choose not to have kids because someone else's are unruly? I just really don't understand the whole basing your life on everyone else mentality anymore.

WendyTerry420

Honestly, no. I'm no more committed to my husband than I was before we married. We are not religious so there was never really a point to getting married. The only reason we got married was because I wasn't going back to work after our second child was born, so it made sense tax wise. Now that I'm working again, if I could get divorced without freaking out every damn family member I would, because again it makes more sense tax wise to not be married with both of us working.

The good thing about being married is you don't have to go through the legal hassle of making sure the other person has all the legal rights your spouse does if something should happen to you.

This is sad.

Um, that somebody has a marriage that is different from yours that is happy and works for them?

Right, that's what's sad in this scenario.

Yeah, I'm confused too.

Two people loving each other, and in a committed relationship, and took care of some legal paperwork for tax purposes. What is sad about that? That we have an income tax at all? (I feel that) ...Or that normal Americans respond to the tax code by obtaining legal papers to protect their families?

JustinAnimal

Wifey and I are coming up on our one year anniversary this June. We didn't have that wild / exotic of a honeymoon, but we're basically planning on doing something really similar because we loved it so much.

In my experience, it's all about honesty, communication and trust. It's also about having a strong, healthy relationship prior to getting married. Marriage kind of magnifies things. Our relationship was blissful and solid as hell, so it only became those things to a larger degree. We are incredibly happy, despite some health / happiness issues that are out of our control. Similarly, people in bad relationships who get married, well, the bad stuff seems to magnify.

I'd be certain she's the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. That said, don't overthink it. If you're happy together and have been that way for a good while, it'll probably stay that way.

Last pieces of advice: 1. Never fight over money. Just learn that there will be lean times and fat times, and you can still love each other just the same; 2. Never go to bed angry with each other (or minimize this as much as possible), swallow your pride and be the one to say "I'm sorry," even if you don't feel that way at the time. It doesn't matter who "wins" an argument, it matters that you two continue to love and live with each other.