Is marriage still worth it?

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  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    It's worth it for me. Make sure you are really happy and work well together before marriage. Give the dating process time. I've known my husband for 18 years, been officially in relationship for 16 years, married for 14, been parents for a decade. We are as happy as ever and find it very enjoyable. No end in sight for us. We are thrilled to spend our lives together.

    It has also been essential for a number of logistical reasons during grad school, medical, including moving to another country.
  • Snow3y
    Snow3y Posts: 1,412 Member
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    All marriage is, is a title and legal terms really.. it shouldn't need to change anything emotionally or anything..
  • PinkPanther318
    PinkPanther318 Posts: 81 Member
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    Hi,

    All I can tell you is if that's what you want go for it. Don't worry about what's happening to other couples- your not them. Yes, divorce is way to easy to do and people are very quick to give up but that doesn't mean it will happen to you. However, I am happily divorced because I was abused and controlled. Good luck and best wishes to you :)
  • RomulanWarbird
    RomulanWarbird Posts: 230
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    My boyfriend and I have decided we'd only get married if we want to purchase a house instead of rent or move out of the country. It might happen, but the only reason we'd do it is for legal reasons. But we're both in our early 20s, so once we're older we'll make those decisions. Marriage looks better when you get older I think.
  • sunseeker43
    sunseeker43 Posts: 17
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    We dated for 8 yrs, were engaged for 6 mos and been married 15 yrs. We were in a long distance relationship while dating so only saw each other every other weekend(or less) and decided not to live together beforehand. Anyway, 3 kids within 2 yrs (a set of twins there!) which is supposed to increase our odds of divorce, did not break us!
    When we married, we agreed we did not believe in divorce....no cheating, no lying, no stealing and no abuse would be tolerated..they were the only grounds for divorce for us....and anything else we would work through with counselling if needed (which we have not needed). We are still very much in love, and we happily talk about our future now (as we move closer to retirement) as we did when we first started out and talked about our dreams back then. It is all how you look at it. If you look for reasons and believe in divorce, you may end up there, .....if it isn't an option except under certain conditions (as I outlined) then you should know your partner well enough by now to know if you can remain true to one another and continue to treat the other as you would like to be treated. Someone said 'to love someone is a choice'......you have to choose to remain faithful, to remain in love with them, and to enjoy your life with the one you are with. You should also talk about your goals, spending habits, family life expectations etc beforehand. It is worth it!
  • urban_ninja
    urban_ninja Posts: 175 Member
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    Put it this way. I've been married for 13 years to my best friend. I'd die and do anything for my family. I can't image life without them.

    So, is marriage worth it? HELL YES! Once you meet that person, you'll know. Waking up even after 13 years, she still makes me laugh and inspires me to become a better person. I wouldn't be the same without her. I look forward to the day when we are retired, fishing all day, playing golf, and just taking walks on the beach. I see no other future for me.
  • DorothyR87
    DorothyR87 Posts: 113
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    I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 3. I know that isn't really all that much, but in those 6 years we have been through A LOT of rough situations that I don't care to elaborate on. I think that first off you have to be in a relationship with someone that you truly love and couldn't imagine being without and they would need to feel the same. Then you need to not consider divorce as an option. There are some situations I would say divorce is acceptable (i.e. abuse, adultery), but I think some people just give up too easy. Marriage will never be easy or 100% perfect, but you you get out of it what you put in to it. But then again, this is all just my personal opinion.
  • Rizabees
    Rizabees Posts: 80
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    Life as it is now is pretty much perfect and the both of us feel we are ready to tie the knot, it is just after experiencing the aftermath of my brother's divorce that I am doing a lot of reading and asking around before taking the final step.

    I appreciate each and every post :smile:

    That was your brother's marriage, not yours.
    You can learn from the mistakes others made.
  • Trueray
    Trueray Posts: 1,189 Member
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    I don't really care for it. So I say, screw it.
  • Sinisterly
    Sinisterly Posts: 10,913 Member
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    I remember my ex was really into the idea of the whole marriage thing with a big ol' crazy wedding, a huge wedding gown for me -PUKE- and a bunch of guests, most likely all people from his family whom I never met...

    I was NOTTTT on board for that, and he kept pushing that it was what he was interested in, but that's just.. Eh.
    I remember telling him I only wanted to get the document signed and get it over with, but he frowned at that.

    You'd think it would be the female who would be into that whole shebang, but no.. It was him. :noway:
  • PhearlessPhreaks
    PhearlessPhreaks Posts: 890 Member
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    Short answer? YES.

    Long answer: it's not always easy, and yeah, many people live their whole lives in a "common law" type marriage; the eternal boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic and are fine with it. The difference between being a lifetime boyfriend/girlfriend and being a spouse is subtle, yet profound. When you're not married, I think there's a subconscious mental separation, even if everything else- money, home, etc... is shared. IMO, those who say there is no difference are fooling themselves, but then again, to each their own, and who am I to judge what others deem 'enough'?

    Caveat: marriage is not a solution to problems. I have a friend going through a divorce right now- they were a couple for eight years, but had been having problems for about a year, and thought getting married would be the way to resolve them.

    The takeaway? It's worth it if you're with the right person. :smile:
  • Veggie_mama
    Veggie_mama Posts: 77 Member
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    This is my second marriage and never did I think I could have this life that I've always wanted, after the first marriage. I married young, but hubby was older. I didn't really understand myself, what love was and in actuality, I was in love with what marriage signified and not my first husband. We were married 5 years and realized that we should have avoided the whole thing. We didn't have a good relationship.
    Fast forward a year after my divorce and I need this man who made me rethink relationships and what they mean. They are work. They require two people to make them work. It requires honesty, patience and love. We've been together 10 years and married for 6 this year. We have a beautiful 2 year old son. Through it all, I wouldn't change a thing. Everything I've been through, the ups and the downs make me appreciative of what I have and how far I've come.
    Marriage is great. But, please be sure. If it in your heart, you feel it, then follow your heart. You are not a statistic. You can make it! Much love to you both.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.

    But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
    I'm happy for you, I am..

    But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.

    Congrats, though :3

    It does if you want legal rights for things.
    Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
    -shrug-

    EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.

    It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.

    This... as well as if one passes away, the other one will get taken care of as far as survivors benefits.
  • BaDaSsBrUnEtTe
    BaDaSsBrUnEtTe Posts: 518 Member
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    Married for 8 years, together for 12, we have two children together. While life isnt alway perfect i never regret making the decission to spend my life with my husband. Some people grow apart over the years, we have grown closer and our relationship is stronger than ever now.
  • zaellany
    zaellany Posts: 57 Member
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    I have been married 15 years this year (together for 17) and I feel I have a great marriage, my husband seems happy too, but I won't speak for him :) I still believe in marriage, and that you can have a good marriage for many years if you work at it. GETTING married is easy; STAYING married for years takes active effort, as well as maturity, and an ability to sometimes put your wants/needs aside in favor of your partner's needs. I have seen a lot of married couples get divorced because they put something - kids, career, hobbies, etc. - at a higher priority than their relationship, too much, and for too long. Maintaining communication and a connection with your partner is something that takes work - it doesn't just happen.

    Here's my last piece of advice, which is kind of contradictory: having a strong physical attraction/connection with someone isn't everything. But most people I know who married someone they were just "sorta" attracted to have gotten divorced. There have been times I have looked at my husband and thought, it's a good thing you're so cute, because otherwise I'd wring your neck. The physical attraction we've always had for each other has pulled us through some hard times that we might not have made it through, otherwise.

    If something happened to my husband (God forbid), I wouldn't get married again unless I was REALLY sure of the person and I couldn't imagine NOT being married to them. I think when it's the right thing to do, you just know. My husband and I just knew, somehow, this was going to work, and we vowed to each other (in our wedding ceremony and outside it) that we would always try hard to make it work. I think if I hadn't had that kind of sure feeling, I wouldn't have gotten married. HTH and GL to you :)

    ETA: Two more things: 1. Having a child has been both our greatest joy, and the greatest strain on our marriage. It takes a lot of balancing to make sure everyone in the family is getting what they need, and for the first few years of your child's life, it kind of has to be "all about them" to a degree. But maintaining balance and taking care of each other in those early child-rearing years is critical. We waited 5 years to start trying for kids and our son wasn't born until we'd been married 7. I was glad we'd taken time to be married and let our marriage stabilize before adding a child into the mix.

    And: Two years ago, my parents who had been married 39 years temporarily separated. They had both retired and were going through a lot of changes. They went to counseling, worked at it and got back together, and are now very happy and know they are together 100% by choice, not out of guilt, necessity, etc. That taught me a LOT about marriage: namely, even after 40 years you can still have things fall apart, but you can work to put it back together. Healthy, happy relationships result from choices, not circumstances.
  • WorkInProgress323
    WorkInProgress323 Posts: 114
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    I would love to have kids and spend the rest of my life with my girlfriend, but seeing so many people going through a divorce and what effect it has on the finances and kids I am not sure if I want to ever go down that route.

    Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated.

    That's a tough one considering my parents were divorced, I'm divorced and so are my two sisters. The one was married 19 years when they divorced. My other sister remarried and has been married for 18. I chose never to remarry or live with anyone again.

    As for children are concerned, my children were sad at first but I never fought with my ex husband. He was able to see the children anytime as he wasn't a bad father, just not so good of a husband. We also still did things together...parent/teacher meetings, holidays, etc... I never allowed any new boyfriend to get in the way of my children's relationship with their father. To this day, I am still close to my ex husband (been divorced since 1993) and my boyfriend gets along great with him!

    So, lets say you get married, have children and it doesn't work out. All I can say is stay on good terms with the ex for the children. You can't guarantee this all the time though as I know many divorced women really have it in for the ex husbands.
    And I never understand the women who won't let their ex see the kids for more than the weekend or every other weekend. I could understand if he is a drug addict or abusive but most of the time it's just to be spiteful and the children end up suffering the most.

    So how about having children with your girlfriend and not getting married? Saves money on divorce, that's for darn sure. But the children will suffer a bit at first if you two break up. Just try and be civil and hope that she will be too.

    Good luck to whatever you decide.
  • ktsmom430
    ktsmom430 Posts: 1,100 Member
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    Put it this way. I've been married for 13 years to my best friend. I'd die and do anything for my family. I can't image life without them.

    So, is marriage worth it? HELL YES! Once you meet that person, you'll know. Waking up even after 13 years, she still makes me laugh and inspires me to become a better person. I wouldn't be the same without her. I look forward to the day when we are retired, fishing all day, playing golf, and just taking walks on the beach. I see no other future for me.

    ^You are quite an amazing young man! I read your story on MFP a few days ago. I am pretty sure your wife and family know how fortunate they are to have you as their husband and father! So admirable and inspirational!

    OP, in September, my husband and I will have been married 39 years. Ups and downs are part of any relationship. Is it worth it? Most assuredly! Are there negatives, of course. The positives far outweigh the negatives and it is definitely worth the effort to have a successful marriage. Regrets? Oh yeah, a bunch of them, but I wouldn't change a thing. Like all things worth having, you have to work at it.
  • CraigG75
    CraigG75 Posts: 177 Member
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    I've been wondering this myself. I am going thru a separation and future divorce. Financially it has shattered me, left me in doubt. I still think marriage is a good thing. You have to take your time and make sure you have the right person. Not blinded by emotion and sex etc. , those things fade especially when the relationship is tested (and it will be). I have learned that if there are red flags don't ignore them, because they come back to haunt you. It's good that your lover is also your best friend.
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    If my boyfriend would have never proposed, I would have broke up with him. We've been married 3 years now. I wasn't looking for a long term dating relationship. I was looking for love and marriage. These past 3 years have been worth everything to me, and I wouldn't change it for nothing.

    But you shouldn't rush into it either. Make sure you BOTH know that this is "it" and that you want it for all aspects of what it is. If not, you will end up in a divorce.
    I'm happy for you, I am..

    But if you love someone, whether you're married or not shouldn't really matter, imho.

    Congrats, though :3

    It does if you want legal rights for things.
    Seeing as I'm not materialistic, that doesn't matter to me.
    -shrug-

    EDIT: And before this dwindles down the wrong way, as all forum things tend to happen, wasn't saying anyone is materialistic lol.

    It's not just money. It's hospital visitation, who the police will call in an accident, making decisions on weather to pull the plug, which nursing home to put someone in, etc.

    This... as well as if one passes away, the other one will get taken care of as far as survivors benefits.

    Right. What if your SO passes away, there are benefits but they go to someone else because you aren't legally married, and you can no longer afford your mortgage because he always paid half?
  • bhoelscher
    bhoelscher Posts: 21 Member
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    I think it depends on your specific circumstances. I cant imagine my life any other way -- this october will be our 10 year anniversary, been together 15. Its not been sunshine and roses the whole time, but its something that we're committed to working through. But this is our situation - I cant tell you that its not worth it for you or not. You'll have to decide it for yourself. Good luck =)

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