A question for dads in the dating world
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I missed the boat on this one. .but I just gotta say.. this guy is in for a wild ride. . This 22 year-old OP is going to play house for a year or two but after awhile she'll start going to "girls night out" and after that. .well. .
You have no way of knowing that and the OP has said nothing to suggest that. In fact, she has been nothing but sincere and mature in this thread. Good to be reminded that bitterness towards the opposite sex works both ways.
Agree with 1PatientBear. Why put down the OP when she seems to have the best of intentions. If her relationship fails it would be because people like you are negative and unsupportive. That does tend to weigh people down in any circumstance. I can only hope she has the support of her friends and family. That being said, who cares if she gets to have girls nights out? The child isn't hers or her responsibility. She is very much allowed to do what she wants. Her man might even enjoy the alone time with his daughter while the OP goes out with her girls. That's actually pretty healthy.
I am sure she has the best of intentions . .I'm sure she's honest and intelligent. . And the truth is, It's not even HER who's making the mistake. I have not sympathy for a 38 yr old dude who gets involved with a 22 yr old girl. . He's the one who should have the life experience to know better. .I'm being called bitter toward the opposite sex. Maybe a little, but I'm just a realist. Maybe they'll beat the odds, who knows. . I hope they do. .
It's a good thing he's not looking for your sympathy. Being real and being bitter are 2 totally different things. To say that the odds are against them is real. To say you have no sympathy and that she's going to be gone the first chance of girls night out she gets, is bitter.0 -
I missed the boat on this one. .but I just gotta say.. this guy is in for a wild ride. . This 22 year-old OP is going to play house for a year or two but after awhile she'll start going to "girls night out" and after that. .well. .
You have no way of knowing that and the OP has said nothing to suggest that. In fact, she has been nothing but sincere and mature in this thread. Good to be reminded that bitterness towards the opposite sex works both ways.
Agree with 1PatientBear. Why put down the OP when she seems to have the best of intentions. If her relationship fails it would be because people like you are negative and unsupportive. That does tend to weigh people down in any circumstance. I can only hope she has the support of her friends and family. That being said, who cares if she gets to have girls nights out? The child isn't hers or her responsibility. She is very much allowed to do what she wants. Her man might even enjoy the alone time with his daughter while the OP goes out with her girls. That's actually pretty healthy.
I am sure she has the best of intentions . .I'm sure she's honest and intelligent. . And the truth is, It's not even HER who's making the mistake. I have not sympathy for a 38 yr old dude who gets involved with a 22 yr old girl. . He's the one who should have the life experience to know better. .I'm being called bitter toward the opposite sex. Maybe a little, but I'm just a realist. Maybe they'll beat the odds, who knows. . I hope they do. .
It's a good thing he's not looking for your sympathy. Being real and being bitter are 2 totally different things. To say that the odds are against them is real. To say you have no sympathy and that she's going to be gone the first chance of girls night out she gets, is bitter.
Yep. .You've all got me pegged! Do you think there's any hope for me? My therapists seem to think so. .0 -
The one thing that does worry me in this whole thing is where you say above "She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that". No gifts, not ever? Not even for her Birthday or Christmas? That just seems strange. My gf has brought little things for my kids, and if their mother has a problem with it (a) she hasn't said anything and (b) it is none of her business. NOTE - I am drawing a (possibly non-existent!) distinction between small thoughtful gifts and simply spoiling the little brats to try to bribe them to like you.
This does make me sad! Not that I want to spoil the living daylights out of the child, but I'm totally the type to buy games or craft supplies or books for someone so we can do something fun together. And yes, come her birthday I would really like to get her a more significant gift. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her mother about it. I talked to my boyfriend about these feelings and, not so surprising, he's on my side. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to compromise on. I want to completely respect her wishes, but if I'm going to be in her daughter's life, isn't it actually mean to not acknowledge her on holidays? I'm sure we can talk it out and come to a conclusion we're all comfortable with, but it does make me sad as it currently stands.0 -
Derp!
If anyone saw that, just pretend you didn't. It's been a long day!0 -
The one thing that does worry me in this whole thing is where you say above "She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that". No gifts, not ever? Not even for her Birthday or Christmas? That just seems strange. My gf has brought little things for my kids, and if their mother has a problem with it (a) she hasn't said anything and (b) it is none of her business. NOTE - I am drawing a (possibly non-existent!) distinction between small thoughtful gifts and simply spoiling the little brats to try to bribe them to like you.
This does make me sad! Not that I want to spoil the living daylights out of the child, but I'm totally the type to buy games or craft supplies or books for someone so we can do something fun together. And yes, come her birthday I would really like to get her a more significant gift. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her mother about it. I talked to my boyfriend about these feelings and, not so surprising, he's on my side. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to compromise on. I want to completely respect her wishes, but if I'm going to be in her daughter's life, isn't it actually mean to not acknowledge her on holidays? I'm sure we can talk it out and come to a conclusion we're all comfortable with, but it does make me sad as it currently stands.
Eh, sounds like every one is reasonable here. I'm sure once you talk to her, and clear up small gifts for holidays she'll be fine with it.0 -
I missed the boat on this one. .but I just gotta say.. this guy is in for a wild ride. . This 22 year-old OP is going to play house for a year or two but after awhile she'll start going to "girls night out" and after that. .well. .
You have no way of knowing that and the OP has said nothing to suggest that. In fact, she has been nothing but sincere and mature in this thread. Good to be reminded that bitterness towards the opposite sex works both ways.
Agree with 1PatientBear. Why put down the OP when she seems to have the best of intentions. If her relationship fails it would be because people like you are negative and unsupportive. That does tend to weigh people down in any circumstance. I can only hope she has the support of her friends and family. That being said, who cares if she gets to have girls nights out? The child isn't hers or her responsibility. She is very much allowed to do what she wants. Her man might even enjoy the alone time with his daughter while the OP goes out with her girls. That's actually pretty healthy.
I am sure she has the best of intentions . .I'm sure she's honest and intelligent. . And the truth is, It's not even HER who's making the mistake. I have not sympathy for a 38 yr old dude who gets involved with a 22 yr old girl. . He's the one who should have the life experience to know better. .I'm being called bitter toward the opposite sex. Maybe a little, but I'm just a realist. Maybe they'll beat the odds, who knows. . I hope they do. .
It's a good thing he's not looking for your sympathy. Being real and being bitter are 2 totally different things. To say that the odds are against them is real. To say you have no sympathy and that she's going to be gone the first chance of girls night out she gets, is bitter.
Yep. .You've all got me pegged! Do you think there's any hope for me? My therapists seem to think so. .
Only if you can stay real AND sarcastic
Seriously though. I wasn't trying to "peg" you for anything. Just pointing out how your statements would lead someone to believe you are bitter. You are obviously a proud dad, and I am sure you will make your own choices in dating (or perhaps lack thereof). However, this topic was about the OP wanting to do something kind for her boy friend. This wasn't about what the future may hold. Who knows, it might not work. Then again, as you stated, it just might. I hope that you get recognized for fathers day just as she wants to recognize her man. Good dad's don't get nearly the recognition they deserve. 0 -
I missed the boat on this one. .but I just gotta say.. this guy is in for a wild ride. . This 22 year-old OP is going to play house for a year or two but after awhile she'll start going to "girls night out" and after that. .well. .
You have no way of knowing that and the OP has said nothing to suggest that. In fact, she has been nothing but sincere and mature in this thread. Good to be reminded that bitterness towards the opposite sex works both ways.
Agree with 1PatientBear. Why put down the OP when she seems to have the best of intentions. If her relationship fails it would be because people like you are negative and unsupportive. That does tend to weigh people down in any circumstance. I can only hope she has the support of her friends and family. That being said, who cares if she gets to have girls nights out? The child isn't hers or her responsibility. She is very much allowed to do what she wants. Her man might even enjoy the alone time with his daughter while the OP goes out with her girls. That's actually pretty healthy.
I am sure she has the best of intentions . .I'm sure she's honest and intelligent. . And the truth is, It's not even HER who's making the mistake. I have not sympathy for a 38 yr old dude who gets involved with a 22 yr old girl. . He's the one who should have the life experience to know better. .I'm being called bitter toward the opposite sex. Maybe a little, but I'm just a realist. Maybe they'll beat the odds, who knows. . I hope they do. .
It's a good thing he's not looking for your sympathy. Being real and being bitter are 2 totally different things. To say that the odds are against them is real. To say you have no sympathy and that she's going to be gone the first chance of girls night out she gets, is bitter.
Yep. .You've all got me pegged! Do you think there's any hope for me? My therapists seem to think so. .
Only if you can stay real AND sarcastic Seriously though. I wasn't trying to "peg" you for anything. Just pointing out how your statements would lead someone to believe you are bitter. You are obviously a proud dad, and I am sure you will make your own choices in dating (or perhaps lack thereof). However, this topic was about the OP wanting to do something kind for her boy friend. This wasn't about what the future may hold. Who knows, it might not work. Then again, as you stated, it just might. I hope that you get recognized for fathers day just as she wants to recognize her man. Good dad's don't get nearly the recognition they deserve.
You make an excellent point... . And to answer the question: Heck yeah she can get him a FD gift. and the gifts the OP mention sound spot on. .0 -
I missed the boat on this one. .but I just gotta say.. this guy is in for a wild ride. . This 22 year-old OP is going to play house for a year or two but after awhile she'll start going to "girls night out" and after that. .well. .
You have no way of knowing that and the OP has said nothing to suggest that. In fact, she has been nothing but sincere and mature in this thread. Good to be reminded that bitterness towards the opposite sex works both ways.
Agree with 1PatientBear. Why put down the OP when she seems to have the best of intentions. If her relationship fails it would be because people like you are negative and unsupportive. That does tend to weigh people down in any circumstance. I can only hope she has the support of her friends and family. That being said, who cares if she gets to have girls nights out? The child isn't hers or her responsibility. She is very much allowed to do what she wants. Her man might even enjoy the alone time with his daughter while the OP goes out with her girls. That's actually pretty healthy.
I am sure she has the best of intentions . .I'm sure she's honest and intelligent. . And the truth is, It's not even HER who's making the mistake. I have not sympathy for a 38 yr old dude who gets involved with a 22 yr old girl. . He's the one who should have the life experience to know better. .I'm being called bitter toward the opposite sex. Maybe a little, but I'm just a realist. Maybe they'll beat the odds, who knows. . I hope they do. .
I'm 25. I'm going to marry someone 19 years older than me in September. I know two other couples with a similar age difference, including one who's now 40 and 60 and have been married about 15 years, and we are all as happy as can be. My ladies' nights at the club got left behind in college, and my interests and ideas of fun are much more in line with my fiance's. Because of the obvious challenges that come with being involved with someone of such a different age, the people involved in the relationship tend to give it a huge amount of consideration before letting it develop into something serious. We recognize it will not be easy - I'll have years and years left of being active when my partner isn't, and he'll likely die long before me. There's social pressure, the possibility of dealing with old age issues like Alzheimers, changing interests as I get to the height of my career and he's getting ready to retire.... But at least we recognize these things are ahead of us. Many young couples think it will all be unicorns shooting rainbows out their *kitten* and aren't prepared to deal with the hard times. The OP has obviously given her decision a lot of thought and has developed a lot of maturity because of how she grew up, and I expect her partner recognizes these qualities and is sure he's found a good match for him AND his daughter.
Oh, stop calling women "girls." We're adults. Show us some respect.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
Yet another child with no chance of growing up undamaged0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
You are incorrect. However, something like this is for the mom and child, not the girlfriend and child.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
Yet another child with no chance of growing up undamaged
Mmm...ok. Clearly you know.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
Yet another child with no chance of growing up undamaged
Mmm...ok. Clearly you know.
Oh, I do. I've seen it first hand. That level of jealousy over something so simple as an act of love towards a child? Not healthy for anyone involved.0 -
The one thing that does worry me in this whole thing is where you say above "She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that". No gifts, not ever? Not even for her Birthday or Christmas? That just seems strange. My gf has brought little things for my kids, and if their mother has a problem with it (a) she hasn't said anything and (b) it is none of her business. NOTE - I am drawing a (possibly non-existent!) distinction between small thoughtful gifts and simply spoiling the little brats to try to bribe them to like you.
This does make me sad! Not that I want to spoil the living daylights out of the child, but I'm totally the type to buy games or craft supplies or books for someone so we can do something fun together. And yes, come her birthday I would really like to get her a more significant gift. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her mother about it. I talked to my boyfriend about these feelings and, not so surprising, he's on my side. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to compromise on. I want to completely respect her wishes, but if I'm going to be in her daughter's life, isn't it actually mean to not acknowledge her on holidays? I'm sure we can talk it out and come to a conclusion we're all comfortable with, but it does make me sad as it currently stands.
I wouldn't think games or craft supplies or books would be considered "gifts" but more "things to do at Dad's house". I would just give it some time. Perhaps as time goes on and mother sees that you are respecting her wishes, then she will be reasonable about holiday gifts within reason. If you stick with things which are not necessarily big ticket items, she will probably be okay with that. Or maybe she would agree to letting you buy one thing on the daughter's wish list. Personally I think that the games/crafts/books are far more meaningful because it is things you generally do together. I guess my question would be, is the mother worried about Dad's house becoming Disneyland vacation with limitless fun things because you have more income, or is she worried about you having a close relationship with the girl? Maybe she is worried that this won't last and she doesn't want her daughter hurt by having developed a relationship with you and then have it gone.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
You are incorrect. However, something like this is for the mom and child, not the girlfriend and child.
I'm not sure which part of my statement you're deeming incorrect, but I can assure you... A good number of divorced people are going to date and marry again. And the children will absolutely interact with their new step-parent whether you like it or not. You can either make it better for the child and accept that fact and nurture this new relationship, or make it hell and deny the step-parent's existence. *shrug*
Again, not all circumstances.. if you have some abusive person out there that has been deemed "unfit" and has restraining order... well, you can't be unbiased.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
You are incorrect. However, something like this is for the mom and child, not the girlfriend and child.
I'm not sure which part of my statement you're deeming incorrect, but I can assure you... A good number of divorced people are going to date and marry again. And the children will absolutely interact with their new step-parent whether you like it or not. You can either make it better for the child and accept that fact and nurture this new relationship, or make it hell and deny the step-parent's existence. *shrug*
Again, not all circumstances.. if you have some abusive person out there that has been deemed "unfit" and has restraining order... well, you can't be unbiased.
"You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life". There can be any other woman in my child's life. There just can't be someone who intentionally does her harm. And regardless of someone else being in my daughter's life, there are some things that are for me and her, not for her and a girlfriend, no matter how serious.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
So will you be helping your children by your ex-husband a father's day gift? And will he be doing the same for mother's day? It's not like they are suggesting she take the girl shopping for school clothes, it's a gift for a person her mother doesn't particularly like (or they probably do "like" each other, but obviously there's some *bad* feelings there are they wouldn't be getting divorced).
I took my sister's kids to buy her mother's day presents after her divorce. Her ex-husband did not. Most likely he probably just didn't think about it.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
You are incorrect. However, something like this is for the mom and child, not the girlfriend and child.
My mom and several other moms I know would rather not think about getting a present for their exes. They want their children to have good relationships with their fathers, but it's hard for them to be generous and thoughtful toward those men for whatever reason. This seems like a really great place for the girlfriend to step up, IMO.0 -
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
THIS!
PS. Edited to add I am a divorced dad who has a friendly relationship with my ex who has not minded a girlfriend helping my daughter pick out a gift for me
No! She has a mom for this!
Your entire view on this is skewed b/c of your personal experience. You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life... and while that may be spot on for you, it's not practical or reasonable for most divorced couples.
You are incorrect. However, something like this is for the mom and child, not the girlfriend and child.
I'm not sure which part of my statement you're deeming incorrect, but I can assure you... A good number of divorced people are going to date and marry again. And the children will absolutely interact with their new step-parent whether you like it or not. You can either make it better for the child and accept that fact and nurture this new relationship, or make it hell and deny the step-parent's existence. *shrug*
Again, not all circumstances.. if you have some abusive person out there that has been deemed "unfit" and has restraining order... well, you can't be unbiased.
"You would like there to never be anyone else in the child's life". There can be any other woman in my child's life. There just can't be someone who intentionally does her harm. And regardless of someone else being in my daughter's life, there are some things that are for me and her, not for her and a girlfriend, no matter how serious.
OK, What would be alright for the new significant other, step-mom or step-dad to do with the child? Clearly making crafts and buying gifts is NOT ok, so I'd love to hear what you feel would be acceptable?0
This discussion has been closed.
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