A question for dads in the dating world
ashesfromfire
Posts: 867 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hello wonderful fathers of the world, I have a question for you!
The Facts:
Come Father's Day this year, my boyfriend will have been together just shy of a year,
He's 38 and has the most beautiful 8 year old girl,
I'm 22 and have no children,
Though we plan on building a life together, we never plan on having kids together - I don't want kids, and he doesn't want any more,
We finally decided about a month ago that it was time for me to meet his little one, and her and I are getting to know each other,
I think my boyfriend is an amazing, committed, loving father - honestly one of the best dads I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Alright - the question:
Is it appropriate to get him a gift for Fathers Day?
If I do, I was thinking of getting him something he could do with his daughter - gift cards for them to go to the movies and get ice cream, or something of that nature. Your thoughts?
The Facts:
Come Father's Day this year, my boyfriend will have been together just shy of a year,
He's 38 and has the most beautiful 8 year old girl,
I'm 22 and have no children,
Though we plan on building a life together, we never plan on having kids together - I don't want kids, and he doesn't want any more,
We finally decided about a month ago that it was time for me to meet his little one, and her and I are getting to know each other,
I think my boyfriend is an amazing, committed, loving father - honestly one of the best dads I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Alright - the question:
Is it appropriate to get him a gift for Fathers Day?
If I do, I was thinking of getting him something he could do with his daughter - gift cards for them to go to the movies and get ice cream, or something of that nature. Your thoughts?
0
Replies
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Why would it be inappropriate to get him a gift? That sounds like a splendid idea.0
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Sounds like a great idea and I am sure he will love it. btw I am a single father, but not currently dating.0
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I would say yes, as regardless of your relationship with him, he is a Father.
People I have known and are good friends, get me gifts and cards on Fathers Day.
You might want to 'help' his daughter get something for him also. That may help you get to know her some more.
I think this is an absolutely wonderful idea by the way.0 -
Lovely idea OP you should definitely do it. Especially like the fact you are looking for something the two of them can do together.0
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An even better idea is to help his daughter get him a wonderful gift that she could never afford on her own.
Ovbiously he will know you had a hand in it but, she will feel like a princess for giving it to him.
You already won Dad, now it is time to win the child.0 -
Win the child? That doesn't sound pleasant. His daughter and I get along fine, but she needs a lot of time to warm up to anybody, and she is still really shy around me. I'd be happy to help her get her daddy something, but knowing her, she is the kind of kid that would have to approach me. I don't know. Maybe. I just don't want to pressure her into spending time with me that she's not ready for.0
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At minimum you can get him a card and tell him exactly how amazing he is as a Dad. You night get a gift as well if you feel it is appropriate.0
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Win the child? That doesn't sound pleasant. His daughter and I get along fine, but she needs a lot of time to warm up to anybody, and she is still really shy around me. I'd be happy to help her get her daddy something, but knowing her, she is the kind of kid that would have to approach me. I don't know. Maybe. I just don't want to pressure her into spending time with me that she's not ready for.
So, I'm not a dad, but as someone who grew up with a step-mom (but also lost my real mom), you could involve the daughter by asking her what you think her dad might want for father's day. You could even tell her that you want it for something just the two of them can do together (and therefore you're not "taking him away," if that makes sense...and you're creating time for them to spend together - which I'm assuming she would appreciate). This is sort of already what you said you had wanted to do - get him something that they can do together. You're just involving her without her feeling pressured, if that makes sense. Of course, you also have to feel comfortable with whatever approach you decide! It's just a thought.0 -
You and the daughter make something for him, or take her out and let her pick something out for him. It will mean more to him than whatever you'd get him and she'd talk about it every single year. Make a day out of it and have fun. If you're nervous about spending the day with her, all kids like ice cream (except the paleo ones). I'm a single dad, and my son is with his mom for a month every summer around father's day, so I don't get jack, but I know it would mean the world to me.0
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Win the child? That doesn't sound pleasant. His daughter and I get along fine, but she needs a lot of time to warm up to anybody, and she is still really shy around me. I'd be happy to help her get her daddy something, but knowing her, she is the kind of kid that would have to approach me. I don't know. Maybe. I just don't want to pressure her into spending time with me that she's not ready for.
You're the adult. You will have to approach her, but frame it as doing something for her dad (it's not about you). Tell her it's a big secret and she will definitely play along. If you do it right, you won't have to pressure her at all.0 -
Yes, of course it's appropriate and I agree with the other posters who say involve her. It's a great way to give her attention and get to know her as well as showing him that you care about both of them.0
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I think your idea is wonderful. My husband has a daughter (and like you guys we don't plan on having kids together) and I first met her when she was 10. She wasn't shy, but my interaction with her early on was very limited, so I can see why planning/buying/making something with her may not be possible/comfortable yet. I think buying them something to do together is a wonderful idea. There will be many more Father's Days to plan something with her.0
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Win the child? That doesn't sound pleasant. His daughter and I get along fine, but she needs a lot of time to warm up to anybody, and she is still really shy around me. I'd be happy to help her get her daddy something, but knowing her, she is the kind of kid that would have to approach me. I don't know. Maybe. I just don't want to pressure her into spending time with me that she's not ready for.
You don't have to pressure her, you just have to talk to her.0 -
The best gift would be something Dad and daughter could share together. It can be something as simple as a movie tickets with a gift card for snacks, or some kind of kid's themed theater she might enjoy.
Back when I was that your BF's age and my daughter was near the young ladies age, I was given two seats that included full service from waiters to watch my favorite baseball team play in the stadium I help build. I could literally point to everything I built and she got a kick out of actually seeing some of the things.
I don't even remember who won. The thing that stuck in my mind was all the laughing and smiles I witnessed from my daughter.
The perfect gift is one they will exchange smiles all day. Do that, and you're set...0 -
Lovely idea and I am sure he'll appreciate it.
I got my partner a card, despite not being my son's dad, because he is a father and a damned good one at that.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.0
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May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Unfortunately, you have no say in the matter, unless you can prove that she puts the child in harm's way. It's mindsets like this that make co-parenting more difficult than it needs to be, because you're basically undermining the other parent's judgment. She need not say a peep to the child's biological mother. It would be nice if a relationship existed, but better none than an acrimonious one like you would foster.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Is this just his current girlfriend?
Or ANY other woman in his life?0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Unfortunately, you have no say in the matter, unless you can prove that she puts the child in harm's way. It's mindsets like this that make co-parenting more difficult than it needs to be, because you're basically undermining the other parent's judgment. She need not say a peep to the child's biological mother. It would be nice if a relationship existed, but better none than an acrimonious one like you would foster.
Actually, I do have a say. It's in the divorce decree. It's already been proven that she's dangerous to my child.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Is this just his current girlfriend?
Or ANY other woman in his life?
Just this one. He could be with anyone else in the whole world, and it wouldn't matter.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Is this just his current girlfriend?
Or ANY other woman in his life?
Just this one. He could be with anyone else in the whole world, and it wouldn't matter.
Sucks big time. Sorry.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Unfortunately, you have no say in the matter, unless you can prove that she puts the child in harm's way. It's mindsets like this that make co-parenting more difficult than it needs to be, because you're basically undermining the other parent's judgment. She need not say a peep to the child's biological mother. It would be nice if a relationship existed, but better none than an acrimonious one like you would foster.
Actually, I do have a say. It's in the divorce decree. It's already been proven that she's dangerous to my child.
Then I hope you're using the appropriate legal channels. I doubt this is the case with OP, and sorry you have to deal with it yourself.0 -
May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Hey, you're right, this is completely something to consider. I have a fairly limited relationship with his ex, at least face to face. I've only met her once, we sat down and had coffee together before I met her daughter. It was really important to her and I that we meet. She has every right to know who is around her daughter, and I want to respect any wishes she has as far as her child is concerned - however, outside of meeting, we haven't spent any time together. My boyfriend and his ex has a really solid relationship as parents to their daughter. There is open communication about them. The only concern I know that she has voiced is she doesn't want me trying to spoil her daughter. She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that. She's expressed worry that I'll be the "young, fun girl" in her daughter's life, whiles she's, "strict and mean mommy". I have ZERO intention of trying to create that situations and really want to respect her wishes. So, that's my relationship with his ex0 -
That's nice, and very respectful of you. I'm sure she appreciated that you spoke with her, and you won't do the "fun" thing with her daughter. It is an awkward situation for you as well, I'd imagine.0
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May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Hey, you're right, this is completely something to consider. I have a fairly limited relationship with his ex, at least face to face. I've only met her once, we sat down and had coffee together before I met her daughter. It was really important to her and I that we meet. She has every right to know who is around her daughter, and I want to respect any wishes she has as far as her child is concerned - however, outside of meeting, we haven't spent any time together. My boyfriend and his ex has a really solid relationship as parents to their daughter. There is open communication about them. The only concern I know that she has voiced is she doesn't want me trying to spoil her daughter. She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that. She's expressed worry that I'll be the "young, fun girl" in her daughter's life, whiles she's, "strict and mean mommy". I have ZERO intention of trying to create that situations and really want to respect her wishes. So, that's my relationship with his ex
You continue to sound rather sane. Why are you asking for advice on the internet again?0 -
That's nice, and very respectful of you. I'm sure she appreciated that you spoke with her, and you won't do the "fun" thing with her daughter. It is an awkward situation for you as well, I'd imagine.
Eh, I think it's only awkward if we make it so. So, I just do my best not to make it awkward. His ex may not be my favorite person, but she seems nice enough, and, besides a few snags here and there she hasn't had too many problems with our relationship. Unfortunately she was pretty upset when we started dating, especially in regards to my age, but outside of that, its most been calm. We all do our best to be completely transparent with each other. We're all upfront and honest. Like I said, my boyfriend and his ex are still very united parents, and without me being involved in any parenting decisions, my BF makes it a point to keep me aware of all the decisions they make together. At the same time, without being mean at all, my BF is honest with his ex about our relationship, everything she needs to know that could in anyway involve or affect her daughter. We keep everything respectful as possible. The three of us are level headed and cooperative with one another. We make it work. (Though I'm curious to see how family holidays are going to shake out over time -nervous laugh-)0 -
Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.0
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Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.
Oh goodness, to clarify, I just don't feel the need to give birth to any kids. There's a number of reasons, mostly quite personal, that I've decided motherhood isn't for me. With that said, I love kids. I think they're wonderful. I think his daughter is an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, headstrong little girl . I already care for her deeply and know I'll grow to truly love her the more time I can be blessed with her in my life. She doesn't need another mother, she already has an amazing one. I don't need to fill that void for her. I'm lucky enough to have an AMAZING step-mom (my father just got remarried a few years ago, but his wife has been around since my early teens) - she's someone I trust, and talk to when I have an "adult" problem or concern I don't feel comfortable discussing with one of my parents. In a perfect world I could develop a similar relationship with his daughter over time. This little girl is more than welcome in my life.0 -
Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.
Huh?0 -
Yes, but don't get him something sappy, like you might get your own dad. Get him something simple and fun. Maybe one of those mixed packs of craft beer, a video game he has been wanting, or bake him some awesome brownies.0
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