A question for dads in the dating world

summertime_girl

For my child and my ex's girlfriend, nothing is acceptable. They aren't allowed to be around each other, per divorce papers. My daughter's safety and wellbeing are at stake. Someone who was a decent person, like the OP seems to, crafts, etc. is fine. Just don't act like a mom. The little girl has one, and doesn't need another. Big sister role sounds more appropriate.

SunofaBeach14

Well, perhaps the situation is not so cut and dry. So you'd better back right the f off before trying to determine my child will be damaged in any way by my actions. Jealousy has nothing to do with it.

Get help

SunofaBeach14

For my child and my ex's girlfriend, nothing is acceptable. They aren't allowed to be around each other, per divorce papers. My daughter's safety and wellbeing are at stake. Someone who was a decent person, like the OP seems to, crafts, etc. is fine. Just don't act like a mom. The little girl has one, and doesn't need another. Big sister role sounds more appropriate.

"No one better judge me but I sas will judge everyone else?"

Sounds about right

summertime_girl

WTF is your problem? You obviously have zero idea the background, however you've determined that my daughter is damaged, I need help, and I'm judging everyone. Who's judging?

SunofaBeach14

WTF is your problem? You obviously have zero idea the background, however you've determined that my daughter is damaged, I need help, and I'm judging everyone. Who's judging?

The OP has been level headed and yet you're telling her to not interact with her potential step child because you have issues with your ex's new wife. Does that hit you as healthy?

Thomasm198

For my child and my ex's girlfriend, nothing is acceptable. They aren't allowed to be around each other, per divorce papers. My daughter's safety and wellbeing are at stake. Someone who was a decent person, like the OP seems to, crafts, etc. is fine. Just don't act like a mom. The little girl has one, and doesn't need another. Big sister role sounds more appropriate.

Stop projecting your own situation on everybody else.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

For my child and my ex's girlfriend, nothing is acceptable. They aren't allowed to be around each other, per divorce papers. My daughter's safety and wellbeing are at stake. Someone who was a decent person, like the OP seems to, crafts, etc. is fine. Just don't act like a mom. The little girl has one, and doesn't need another. Big sister role sounds more appropriate.

Obviously your ex's girlfriend is an entirely different situation.

But lets say you get remarried. You husband and daughter live in the same house. Is he not "allowed" to help parent? Step-parenting is a hard arrangement but it definitely shouldn't be a "big brother / big sister" role. The step-parent is still a parent and needs to have some authority and some type of parenting relationship with the child. In the OP's case, right now, obviously she's still "just" the girlfriend but as it progresses she will have to take on some parenting responsibilities if she starts living with the child.

My sister-in-law had both her father and her step father walk her down the isle. It did hurt the father's feelings but the reality of the situation was that the step-father had helped raise her since she was 8. She really did have 3 (and later 4) "parents".

summertime_girl

I never said don't interact, I said don't try to be her mom. Huge difference.

AglaeaC

I never said don't interact, I said don't try to be her mom. Huge difference.

This comment shows clearly how you keep mixing your own situation with OP's. I can assure you that you are so entirely focused on your own drama that nothing you write will apply to OP and her life. Why don't you stop hijacking a thread with details that fit in no way to this particular context.

KarmaKills

May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.

Wow? Really?!?!???? Unless your the woman is physically abusing your children (in which case legal action should be taken) it's time to grow up!!!! Life goes on and like it or not, she's a part of your exes life which means she's in your children's lives.

SunofaBeach14

I never said don't interact, I said don't try to be her mom. Huge difference.

Not every situation is like yours. The OP isn't your ex's new wife. Honestly, I do hope you get some help.

FatFreeFrolicking

For my child and my ex's girlfriend, nothing is acceptable. They aren't allowed to be around each other, per divorce papers. My daughter's safety and wellbeing are at stake. Someone who was a decent person, like the OP seems to, crafts, etc. is fine. Just don't act like a mom. The little girl has one, and doesn't need another. Big sister role sounds more appropriate.

Stop projecting your own situation on everybody else.

Couldn't agree with the above statement any more.

richardheath

The one thing that does worry me in this whole thing is where you say above "She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that". No gifts, not ever? Not even for her Birthday or Christmas? That just seems strange. My gf has brought little things for my kids, and if their mother has a problem with it (a) she hasn't said anything and (b) it is none of her business. NOTE - I am drawing a (possibly non-existent!) distinction between small thoughtful gifts and simply spoiling the little brats to try to bribe them to like you.

This does make me sad! Not that I want to spoil the living daylights out of the child, but I'm totally the type to buy games or craft supplies or books for someone so we can do something fun together. And yes, come her birthday I would really like to get her a more significant gift. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her mother about it. I talked to my boyfriend about these feelings and, not so surprising, he's on my side. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to compromise on. I want to completely respect her wishes, but if I'm going to be in her daughter's life, isn't it actually mean to not acknowledge her on holidays? I'm sure we can talk it out and come to a conclusion we're all comfortable with, but it does make me sad as it currently stands.

I am assuming this is just a verbal agreement between you (or your bf) and the child's mother? I am almost certain that something like this wouldn't be written into a divorce agreement. I understand that if there is a large income difference between one parent and the other then neither should make it seem as if they are trying to win the child over with gifts (and my ex and I have talked about this, and try to coordinate on Xmas/Birthday presents). But small gifts? I think your bf (not you) needs to talk to the ex about this. I consider it my place to do the communicating with my ex: I wouldn't expect my gf to do that. They have only met a couple of times and, well, she's my ex, not hers!

And no, you don't want to become the new Mother, but you will be more than a big Sister. This is also an issue I've had many conversations about, as my gf and I start to think about getting a house...

I think you will all be fine! Good luck!

ashesfromfire

The one thing that does worry me in this whole thing is where you say above "She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that". No gifts, not ever? Not even for her Birthday or Christmas? That just seems strange. My gf has brought little things for my kids, and if their mother has a problem with it (a) she hasn't said anything and (b) it is none of her business. NOTE - I am drawing a (possibly non-existent!) distinction between small thoughtful gifts and simply spoiling the little brats to try to bribe them to like you.

This does make me sad! Not that I want to spoil the living daylights out of the child, but I'm totally the type to buy games or craft supplies or books for someone so we can do something fun together. And yes, come her birthday I would really like to get her a more significant gift. I'm debating whether or not to talk to her mother about it. I talked to my boyfriend about these feelings and, not so surprising, he's on my side. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to compromise on. I want to completely respect her wishes, but if I'm going to be in her daughter's life, isn't it actually mean to not acknowledge her on holidays? I'm sure we can talk it out and come to a conclusion we're all comfortable with, but it does make me sad as it currently stands.

I am assuming this is just a verbal agreement between you (or your bf) and the child's mother? I am almost certain that something like this wouldn't be written into a divorce agreement. I understand that if there is a large income difference between one parent and the other then neither should make it seem as if they are trying to win the child over with gifts (and my ex and I have talked about this, and try to coordinate on Xmas/Birthday presents). But small gifts? I think your bf (not you) needs to talk to the ex about this. I consider it my place to do the communicating with my ex: I wouldn't expect my gf to do that. They have only met a couple of times and, well, she's my ex, not hers!

And no, you don't want to become the new Mother, but you will be more than a big Sister. This is also an issue I've had many conversations about, as my gf and I start to think about getting a house...

I think you will all be fine! Good luck!

yes, only verbal, but that's enough for me. I don't need to be legally bound to an agreement to want to respect her wish. I agree that she's not my ex and I would prefer that my boyfriend approach her with the issue, which he offered to do when I first voiced my concern and I may take him up on that as his daughter's birthday approaches.
I will need to find the place I fit in this little girls life. You're right, not a mom, but not an older sister either. I'm sure that decision will be made between my boyfriend, his daughter, and I - see where we're all comfortable

marthachester

Hi, I’m the Mother that has been discussed in this thread. As jarring as it is to see my situation being publicly discussed I felt I should weigh in on the topic.

Ashesfromfire,

You seem to have some of your facts confused about the situation but I gather from your words and actions that you are genuinely interested in having a real relationship with our daughter.

All things considered, I look at that as a positive thing and I welcome it. Please feel free to talk to me directly about any issue or concern related to my daughter. I feel like we are all on the same team with regards to her happiness and well-being and I will always welcome any communication on that topic.

Edited, to preserve decorum.

1PatientBear

^^^^

Ummm....awkwardly public posting of what should be a private conversation. Here's a tip - look up Ashesfromfire's profile and click on the button that reads "send message." Then, send her a private message about this stuff.

SonicDeathMonkey80

5. No Public Posting of Private Conversations
Do not publicly post an email or private message from any other MyFitnessPal user, moderator or administrator at any time.

Sheesh drama much

calibriintx

^^^^

Ummm....awkwardly public posting of what should be a private conversation. Here's a tip - look up Ashesfromfire's profile and click on the button that reads "send message." Then, send her a private message about this stuff.

No kidding. So awkward that I'm not even sure that I believe the exchange is real.

calibriintx

5. No Public Posting of Private Conversations
Do not publicly post an email or private message from any other MyFitnessPal user, moderator or administrator at any time.

Sheesh drama much

I don't think anyone did that. The conversations SHOULD have been private, but it wasn't.

elmosfire12

Sounds like a great to give him a gift!

SunofaBeach14

Hi, I’m the Mother that has been discussed in this thread. As jarring as it is to see my situation being publicly discussed I felt I should weigh in on the topic.

Ashesfromfire,

You seem to have some of your facts confused about the situation but I gather from your words and actions that you are genuinely interested in having a real relationship with our daughter.

All things considered, I look at that as a positive thing and I welcome it. Please feel free to talk to me directly about any issue or concern related to my daughter. I feel like we are all on the same team with regards to her happiness and well-being and I will always welcome any communication on that topic.

Edited, to preserve decorum.

If this is real I hope you two find common ground, which it sounds like you may have, the happiness of the kiddo. That should come first.

spirytwynd

There are already nine pages in this thread and I don't have time to read all of them. But the one page I did read seems quite positive and supportive. Yes, get him a card and or a small gift. Let him know what a great dad you think he is. Be supportive of both him and his daughter. Be a blessing in their lives. This is positive stuff. Good luck!

AglaeaC

5. No Public Posting of Private Conversations
Do not publicly post an email or private message from any other MyFitnessPal user, moderator or administrator at any time.

Sheesh drama much

I don't think anyone did that. The conversations SHOULD have been private, but it wasn't.

Just like all talk shows and reality shows...

odusgolp

Suddenly... I'm very glad I came back.

Myhaloslipped

Hi, I’m the Mother that has been discussed in this thread. As jarring as it is to see my situation being publicly discussed I felt I should weigh in on the topic.

Ashesfromfire,

You seem to have some of your facts confused about the situation but I gather from your words and actions that you are genuinely interested in having a real relationship with our daughter.

All things considered, I look at that as a positive thing and I welcome it. Please feel free to talk to me directly about any issue or concern related to my daughter. I feel like we are all on the same team with regards to her happiness and well-being and I will always welcome any communication on that topic.

Edited, to preserve decorum.

Strong first post.

CyberEd312

Dear Posters,

I wanted to offer a brief explanation for the locking of this thread.

The forum guidelines include this item:

2. No Hi-Jacking, Trolling, or Flame-baiting

Please stay on-topic within a forum topic. Off-topic or derogatory remarks are disrespectful. Please either contribute politely and constructively to a topic, or move on without posting.This includes posts that encourage the drama in a topic to escalate, or posts intended to incite an uproar from the community.

In many cases we are able to edit out the posts that violate this guideline, but unfortunately this particular thread has become too volatile to moderate efficiently.

If you would like to review the forum guidelines, please visit the following link:

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/welcome/guidelines

At our discretion, this locked thread may be deleted entirely in the near future.

With respect,

CyberEd312

MFP Moderator