A question for dads in the dating world
Replies
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You continue to sound rather sane. Why are you asking for advice on the internet again?
More asking to expand my understanding of social etiquette?0 -
Lots of feedback from women (thanks ladies!), but any more dads out there wanna weigh in?0
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He will love it0
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Under no circumstance would I get a gift from you and the daughter together. You are asking for problems from the Ex. Go with your original idea, get him a father's day gift that he and his daughter can use together (make sure he knows it is for him and his daughter) with a card telling him how great a dad he is. Mom's tend to be (and I don't blame them) territorial when it comes to their kids, don't do something that could create potential problems.0
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Under no circumstance would I get a gift from you and the daughter together. You are asking for problems from the Ex. Go with your original idea, get him a father's day gift that he and his daughter can use together (make sure he knows it is for him and his daughter) with a card telling him how great a dad he is. Mom's tend to be (and I don't blame them) territorial when it comes to their kids, don't do something that could create potential problems.
Yea. Ex wives are crazy. Don't do anything nice with the kiddo . . .0 -
As a father of two with an ex-wife, it is not only appropriate but a good idea to do what you are considering. Both you boyfriend and his daughter will notice that you care about the family.0
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You gotta be careful...no matter what you do...it could be interpreted in a bad way by the ex. Maybe clear it with her first; but she may even say it is fine when it really isn't, and secretly hold that against you as well. Many women are like that, sorry to say. If you don't want risk that, then a simple card "Happy Father's Day" will suffice.
Also, you are way younger than your boyfriend. You attitude about having your own biological kids, and the older boyfriend are likely to evolve given a few years time. Take your time to truly evaluate him and your own future interests -- best advice I could give -- as a married Dad with three kids.0 -
I really don't have much to contribute, except to say as someone who grew up with some less-than-ideal co-parenting arrangements, it is sooo refreshing to hear about such respectful relationships! The way the three of you interact will have a HUGE impact on his daughter and it makes me so happy to see how gracefully you are handling the situation! Best of luck
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The number of people projecting their own shade of crazy on this woman is astounding.
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I almost didn't open this thread since it doesn't apply to me whatsoever (I'm 37, female, married and childfree by choice) but curiosity got the better of me, I must admit!
I think that is the sweetest idea ever and you should totally do it!!0 -
I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...0 -
Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.
Oh goodness, to clarify, I just don't feel the need to give birth to any kids. There's a number of reasons, mostly quite personal, that I've decided motherhood isn't for me. With that said, I love kids. I think they're wonderful. I think his daughter is an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, headstrong little girl . I already care for her deeply and know I'll grow to truly love her the more time I can be blessed with her in my life. She doesn't need another mother, she already has an amazing one. I don't need to fill that void for her. I'm lucky enough to have an AMAZING step-mom (my father just got remarried a few years ago, but his wife has been around since my early teens) - she's someone I trust, and talk to when I have an "adult" problem or concern I don't feel comfortable discussing with one of my parents. In a perfect world I could develop a similar relationship with his daughter over time. This little girl is more than welcome in my life.
As I mentioned in my response to you I am also childfree by choice. I personally would never have dated men with kids because I didn't want a role in their lives and - just being honest - I didn't want to share a man's attention with his kids, but believe a good father puts his child/ren first, so there ya have it ;-)
But I just wanted to chime in and say that I think you sound like the ideal person to be with a guy who has a child from a previous relationship...not trying to make his child your own, and totally respectful of the child's mother. That's truly awesome in my book. Also, you will avoid any potential complication with having a blended family (his kids and your kids together)...while those can work out great, I think there are often bumps along the way no matter how good both parents' intentions may be.0 -
I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
The 22 year old OP seems far more rational than you.
Sorry if you've been butthurt before, but this whole "men have it SO EASY" thing is absurd. As are the huge assumptions you just made about these people.0 -
I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
Might seem harshly put; but there is a lot of realism here in your comments. I think this is how most (not all) ladies would feel in the described relationship. 0 -
I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
Might seem harshly put; but there is a lot of realism here in your comments. I think this is how most (not all) ladies would feel in the described relationship.
thank you... I come off very BOLD but I am realistic in my thoughts/expressions... some understand, some get defensive and act in attack mode... but I am staying true to my feelings 0 -
Good for you for caring enough about your boyfriend and his daughter! I understand that people have had bad experiences with ex's and new people being in their children's lives, but it sounds to me like you are all handling it very well. I will admit, when my daughter's step mom came in the picture (pregnant before the divorce was even final) it was a bitter pill to swallow. However, she loves my daughter and it shows. There will probably always be some tension there which is natural, but at the end of the day, should anything ever happn to me, I know my daughter is well cared for. I even make it a point to have my daughter give her step mom a card for mother's day. I know that's kind of the opposite of what you are asking, but I am just wanting to give you encouragement that you could very much have a healthy relationship with your SO's daughter and ex. It takes time, but you are making the right moves. As for father's day, your idea is great! However, you should still do something with the daughter for her dad. Maybe help her make him a card or something. Either way, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.0
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You have a good head on your shoulders.May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.
Hey, you're right, this is completely something to consider. I have a fairly limited relationship with his ex, at least face to face. I've only met her once, we sat down and had coffee together before I met her daughter. It was really important to her and I that we meet. She has every right to know who is around her daughter, and I want to respect any wishes she has as far as her child is concerned - however, outside of meeting, we haven't spent any time together. My boyfriend and his ex has a really solid relationship as parents to their daughter. There is open communication about them. The only concern I know that she has voiced is she doesn't want me trying to spoil her daughter. She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that. She's expressed worry that I'll be the "young, fun girl" in her daughter's life, whiles she's, "strict and mean mommy". I have ZERO intention of trying to create that situations and really want to respect her wishes. So, that's my relationship with his ex
Ignore the bitter women who can't handle their exes moving on. You're doing this the right way (at least you are based on what you've said here!).
Of course you should get him a gift if you want to do that. It's very sweet.0 -
I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
Seems like you are projecting your issues onto the OP.
edited: because forgot how to quote0 -
I don't see anywhere that it says the OP somehow stole this man from his wife. It sounds an awful lot like he was divorced before they started dating.I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
Might seem harshly put; but there is a lot of realism here in your comments. I think this is how most (not all) ladies would feel in the described relationship.
thank you... I come off very BOLD but I am realistic in my thoughts/expressions... some understand, some get defensive and act in attack mode... but I am staying true to my feelings
You don't know anything about what the mother's life is like. For all you know, she's remarried.
As for "aging women with kids" not being able to find men, well, maybe it's just because you're not a nice person. I've been a single mom since I was 17 and never has it been a problem with dating.0 -
My husband buys me Mother's Day gifts - we do not have children together, but I have a daughter from a previous relationship. She's an adult, so we don't even parent her together (other than being good role models and whatnot) - but my husband likes to give me a gift on Mother's Day because it's a huge deal to be a parent, and he thinks I'm awesome for it.0
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Oh and OP...I think it's a nice idea to get him something from you that he and his daughter can do together.0
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Of course you should get him something, OP. His ex-wife shouldn't be called to ask permission to get her boyfriend a gift. She has no say in it, technically, but it's awesome you two can communicate and have a cordial relationship for the sake of the child.
Now go... get him a card and whatever else you'd like.0 -
Of course you should get him something, OP. His ex-wife shouldn't be called to ask permission to get her boyfriend a gift. She has no say in it, technically, but it's awesome you two can communicate and have a cordial relationship for the sake of the child.
Now go... get him a card and whatever else you'd like.
This. And odus has nice juggs.0 -
The number of people projecting their own shade of crazy on this woman is astounding.
I agree 100%. This is actually a good topic for advice on a site like this. How else is she going to have access to a pretty diverse group of single dads?
Her job will be to decipher the good advice and weed out the people that think the whole world is the same as their crazy situation.
In my opinion, since this is your 1st Father's Day together don't over think it. Getting him something to do with his daughter is a good idea. It shows you recognize the day and appreciate his relationship with her.
As your relationship grows with him and his daughter in the years to come, you will have time for other gift ideas.
First one, keep it simple. 0 -
Of course you should get him something, OP. His ex-wife shouldn't be called to ask permission to get her boyfriend a gift. She has no say in it, technically, but it's awesome you two can communicate and have a cordial relationship for the sake of the child.
Now go... get him a card and whatever else you'd like.
This. And odus has nice juggs.
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I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
Maybe I didn't catch it when I read her post but I didn't see where it was stated that he left his wife for her. And I am a mother of 3 kids my youngest being 18 months now, when my stb ex husband left us our sin was only 7 months old and yeah he is living his life carefree while I am working full time taking care of my 3 kids. And I can tell you from my experience I do not sit at home thinking about him I am concentrating on giving my kids the best life I can possibly give them.
If he gets a girlfriend so be it good for him whatever, yes I will need to meet her and make sure she is ok to be around my kids (though he's in CA and we are in NC so there won't be much interaction) again if that is what makes him happy so be it, he's the one that will miss out in the end not me.
And from what the OP said her and his ex have met and she was told what was expected of her when it comes to their daughter and the OP respects that which in my opinion is a step in the right direction that she at least has a good head on her shoulders and respects the daughters mother.
To the OP I think you getting your bf a gift for Father's Day is a great idea.0 -
lol going out saying im not a nice person is VERY far fetched.. you also do not know me... you do not know what i have accomplished in life. you do not know how many good-or bad deeds i have done... i do know.. that this 38 year old man is with a 22 year old who has no kids.. no experience to relate to... no experience to even handle this situation. she might have had brothers or sisters but that is no where the same... as raising a child.. taking in a child as your own... i am looking at this from the opposite perspective. the side that no one is looking at... so if im wrong for pointing out a side that no one likes to see than i don't see how its my problem... because its true... i may have put it harshly... but i am not the first one who thought this... im just the first one who said something..0
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I can only imagine how devastated the daughters mother is.... he is 38..... has an 8 year old..... you are 22..... no kids.... oh gosh....
I AM a mother... of 2... so... if this situation happened to me... I would NOT be happy... sucks everything is ALWAYS harder on the mother than the father... he gets to run away with his 22 year old teenie beanie girlfriend getting partial custody sitting around having the best time of his life... while she.... is probably miserable thinking about how her husband left her for a freakin 22 year old with no kids!
you.. my friend will never understand the pain... it SUCKS how men get the easy way out... but when woman with children age.. grow old.... no man wants them.... unless they have some weird fetish thing... this is what the world is coming to!!
just so you know.. when you were 3 years old he was 19!!!
gold--- trigger? ---- gold---- diggggggg? what? im probably gonna get all this hate just from stating the truth... sorry... but its true...
I remember you.
You wanted Asian friends.0 -
so you women saying you are "stuck with the kids" while he gets to go have fun...why do you have custody anyway? Becasue he didn't want it or you fought hard for it? Would you be happier if he had them and you got to go "have fun"?0
This discussion has been closed.
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