A question for dads in the dating world

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  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
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    May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.

    Is this just his current girlfriend?
    Or ANY other woman in his life?

    Just this one. He could be with anyone else in the whole world, and it wouldn't matter.

    Sucks big time. Sorry.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.

    Unfortunately, you have no say in the matter, unless you can prove that she puts the child in harm's way. It's mindsets like this that make co-parenting more difficult than it needs to be, because you're basically undermining the other parent's judgment. She need not say a peep to the child's biological mother. It would be nice if a relationship existed, but better none than an acrimonious one like you would foster.

    Actually, I do have a say. It's in the divorce decree. It's already been proven that she's dangerous to my child.

    Then I hope you're using the appropriate legal channels. I doubt this is the case with OP, and sorry you have to deal with it yourself.
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.

    Hey, you're right, this is completely something to consider. I have a fairly limited relationship with his ex, at least face to face. I've only met her once, we sat down and had coffee together before I met her daughter. It was really important to her and I that we meet. She has every right to know who is around her daughter, and I want to respect any wishes she has as far as her child is concerned - however, outside of meeting, we haven't spent any time together. My boyfriend and his ex has a really solid relationship as parents to their daughter. There is open communication about them. The only concern I know that she has voiced is she doesn't want me trying to spoil her daughter. She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that. She's expressed worry that I'll be the "young, fun girl" in her daughter's life, whiles she's, "strict and mean mommy". I have ZERO intention of trying to create that situations and really want to respect her wishes. So, that's my relationship with his ex
  • summertime_girl
    summertime_girl Posts: 3,945 Member
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    That's nice, and very respectful of you. I'm sure she appreciated that you spoke with her, and you won't do the "fun" thing with her daughter. It is an awkward situation for you as well, I'd imagine.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    May be irrelevant, but how are things between you and the child's mother? Because I would lose my freaking mind if my ex's girlfriend got him something for Fathers' Day that included my daughter. I don't care what she gives him, but I want her to have nothing to do with my daughter. Ever.

    Hey, you're right, this is completely something to consider. I have a fairly limited relationship with his ex, at least face to face. I've only met her once, we sat down and had coffee together before I met her daughter. It was really important to her and I that we meet. She has every right to know who is around her daughter, and I want to respect any wishes she has as far as her child is concerned - however, outside of meeting, we haven't spent any time together. My boyfriend and his ex has a really solid relationship as parents to their daughter. There is open communication about them. The only concern I know that she has voiced is she doesn't want me trying to spoil her daughter. She doesn't want me to buy her gifts or anything like that. She's expressed worry that I'll be the "young, fun girl" in her daughter's life, whiles she's, "strict and mean mommy". I have ZERO intention of trying to create that situations and really want to respect her wishes. So, that's my relationship with his ex

    You continue to sound rather sane. Why are you asking for advice on the internet again?
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    That's nice, and very respectful of you. I'm sure she appreciated that you spoke with her, and you won't do the "fun" thing with her daughter. It is an awkward situation for you as well, I'd imagine.

    Eh, I think it's only awkward if we make it so. So, I just do my best not to make it awkward. His ex may not be my favorite person, but she seems nice enough, and, besides a few snags here and there she hasn't had too many problems with our relationship. Unfortunately she was pretty upset when we started dating, especially in regards to my age, but outside of that, its most been calm. We all do our best to be completely transparent with each other. We're all upfront and honest. Like I said, my boyfriend and his ex are still very united parents, and without me being involved in any parenting decisions, my BF makes it a point to keep me aware of all the decisions they make together. At the same time, without being mean at all, my BF is honest with his ex about our relationship, everything she needs to know that could in anyway involve or affect her daughter. We keep everything respectful as possible. The three of us are level headed and cooperative with one another. We make it work. (Though I'm curious to see how family holidays are going to shake out over time -nervous laugh-)
  • rm33064
    rm33064 Posts: 270 Member
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    Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.

    Oh goodness, to clarify, I just don't feel the need to give birth to any kids. There's a number of reasons, mostly quite personal, that I've decided motherhood isn't for me. With that said, I love kids. I think they're wonderful. I think his daughter is an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, headstrong little girl . I already care for her deeply and know I'll grow to truly love her the more time I can be blessed with her in my life. She doesn't need another mother, she already has an amazing one. I don't need to fill that void for her. I'm lucky enough to have an AMAZING step-mom (my father just got remarried a few years ago, but his wife has been around since my early teens) - she's someone I trust, and talk to when I have an "adult" problem or concern I don't feel comfortable discussing with one of my parents. In a perfect world I could develop a similar relationship with his daughter over time. This little girl is more than welcome in my life.
  • HerkMeOff
    HerkMeOff Posts: 1,002 Member
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    Not for nothing but if you don't want kids you shouldn't be dating someone who has one. That was my stepmothers attitude and my sister and I picked up on it immediately and suffered for it. Almost 30 years later we still harbor some resentment.

    Huh?
  • Sunbrooke
    Sunbrooke Posts: 632 Member
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    Yes, but don't get him something sappy, like you might get your own dad. Get him something simple and fun. Maybe one of those mixed packs of craft beer, a video game he has been wanting, or bake him some awesome brownies.
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    You continue to sound rather sane. Why are you asking for advice on the internet again?

    More asking to expand my understanding of social etiquette?
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
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    Lots of feedback from women (thanks ladies!), but any more dads out there wanna weigh in?
  • gchris3838
    gchris3838 Posts: 134
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    He will love it
  • Riffraft1960
    Riffraft1960 Posts: 1,984 Member
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    Under no circumstance would I get a gift from you and the daughter together. You are asking for problems from the Ex. Go with your original idea, get him a father's day gift that he and his daughter can use together (make sure he knows it is for him and his daughter) with a card telling him how great a dad he is. Mom's tend to be (and I don't blame them) territorial when it comes to their kids, don't do something that could create potential problems.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
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    Under no circumstance would I get a gift from you and the daughter together. You are asking for problems from the Ex. Go with your original idea, get him a father's day gift that he and his daughter can use together (make sure he knows it is for him and his daughter) with a card telling him how great a dad he is. Mom's tend to be (and I don't blame them) territorial when it comes to their kids, don't do something that could create potential problems.

    Yea. Ex wives are crazy. Don't do anything nice with the kiddo . . .
  • Technolero
    Technolero Posts: 90
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    As a father of two with an ex-wife, it is not only appropriate but a good idea to do what you are considering. Both you boyfriend and his daughter will notice that you care about the family.
  • Archon2
    Archon2 Posts: 462 Member
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    You gotta be careful...no matter what you do...it could be interpreted in a bad way by the ex. Maybe clear it with her first; but she may even say it is fine when it really isn't, and secretly hold that against you as well. Many women are like that, sorry to say. If you don't want risk that, then a simple card "Happy Father's Day" will suffice.

    Also, you are way younger than your boyfriend. You attitude about having your own biological kids, and the older boyfriend are likely to evolve given a few years time. Take your time to truly evaluate him and your own future interests -- best advice I could give -- as a married Dad with three kids.
  • neuro_nut
    neuro_nut Posts: 78 Member
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    I really don't have much to contribute, except to say as someone who grew up with some less-than-ideal co-parenting arrangements, it is sooo refreshing to hear about such respectful relationships! The way the three of you interact will have a HUGE impact on his daughter and it makes me so happy to see how gracefully you are handling the situation! Best of luck :)
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    The number of people projecting their own shade of crazy on this woman is astounding.



    jurassic-park-o.gif
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    I almost didn't open this thread since it doesn't apply to me whatsoever (I'm 37, female, married and childfree by choice) but curiosity got the better of me, I must admit!

    I think that is the sweetest idea ever and you should totally do it!!
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