In desperate need of direction

DesperatelyDevestated

Thank you all for your responses, once again.

I've read all the responses and I'll try to address all of them in this post.

He was diagnosed with ADHD since 3 years old. He's been on medication since diagnosed up until he reached 19 and he didn't qualify for the lower priced insurance. I tried getting him insurance but i could not afford it and he didn't qualify for medicaid because of my income (i earned about 2,000 over the cut off). He also told me at about the same age that the medication was causing him sleep issues and depression. Being he wouldn't take the medication during summers anyway and he was fine, i thought it was his decision (we still have medication left over from summers and he still doesn't take it). He managed to pass most of his classes without it, I felt comfortable with that decision. We have seen a few psychologist, but finally met a great one and were seeing him together and individually for about 2 years... then the insurance was taken away. The psy, didn't except my work insurance, so i couldn't even see him as a family counsellor.

I've been told that i'm not giving him Tough Enough love, but I thought sending him away and him not having the comforts of home and a car was giving consequences, At age 18 i wasn't going to through him out on the streets to be homeless. From childhood till 18, whenever he made bad decisions, he always had a consequence. Be it taking away phones, video games, allowance, grounded at home... their has always been a consequence. Yes, I've forgiven him and given him another chance. Because if i can forgive a friend, relative, coworker. why not my own child?

I didn't see myself as an enabler, because he was a teenager, making dumb decisions. and before a police officer disciplines him, I was going to do my best, in the toughest way I knew how. To let him know I mean business. But apparently, it isn't working. It wasn't tough enough.

I probably missed a few posts, i will come back.

kbmnurse

Tough love. Tell him to leave your home, he did not respect your rules. Just so you know if he gets caught selling pot out of YOUR home there will be consequences legally for you. Unless you have $$$ for a lawyer Get him out ASAP.

Sharon_C

Yes, I've forgiven him and given him another chance. Because if i can forgive a friend, relative, coworker. why not my own child?

This isn't about forgiveness. This is about giving him the tools he needs to succeed on his own. This is about teaching him that he has to live within rules--be it your home or the outside world. You can forgive him but you also have to teach him.

I know this is easy for all of us to say because we're not emotionally invested in your son the way you are. It's hard pushing them out of the nest. You want to help but sometimes helping is stepping back and letting them make their own decisions. However, his decisions are now impacting your safety. He needs to know that's unacceptable. He's not thinking about you or what his actions could do to you. He's only thinking about himself, while all you do is think about him too. See the imbalance in all of this? All of his life and even right now it's all about him. And that is why he does what he does.

kittykat1994

thank you for your kind response.

I'm more angry of the deception and the jeopardising my home.

I give him $50 of my hard earned money every week for him to have something.

He doenst have a job, we've been looking

He's in a drug program where he is drug tested 2x a week because of possession of marijuana. If he completes the program, which he is set for graduation this month, he will have no criminial record.

I think, at aged 21, he is old enough to look after himself and get himself a job.

Based on my experience in a similar boat, once my mum stopped my pocket money, I HAD to work for money. Going to work helped me grow up, move out and grow into an adult. I played up a lot when I lived with my mum, and now that I've moved away, I appreciate her and regret how I used to be.

I'm one of the only people in my class at university that doesn't reply on handouts from mummy and daddy, and it feels great. I can survive on my own.

He needs that feeling. To feel like he can succeed on his own. He can learn to budget his own money, pay his own bills, cook, clean and wash his own clothes. He'll learn to appreciate all the hard work you do for him.

His behaviour could be a factor of having ADHD (which I know nothing about) so possibly speaking to a professional who might be able to help him with this more? Encourage him to do a course?

Explain to him that he's an adult and it's time he acted like one. If he's desperate enough, he'll up his efforts finding a job. He's an adult and he doesn't need his hand holding. The independence of living on his own will give him the biggest life lesson.

Give tough love. No matter how difficult it is - for him!

Good luck

jenilla1

Depending on the laws where you live, your house can be seized and you can be prosecuted along with him if your son is busted selling at your home, especially since you know it's going on. Consult a lawyer to find out what YOUR consequences are if he gets busted dealing on your property. Dealing is a more serious offense than possession. Good luck.

ImaWaterBender

He's 21. Kick him out. Do you want to lose your house to a drug dealing charge? Around here they will confiscate property that is shown to be connected with drug selling.

Strokingdiction

Well, it sounds like he has an income, is over 18 and is going to go against your house rules so he can go ahead and support himself outside of your home.

darkrose20

Hi,

I made this account for the purpose of asking many strangers, what would they do in my situation.

I'm a parent of a 21 year old ADHD son. He will be 21 the end of this month.


Today is the 3rd time i caught him selling marijuana from my house.

The first time, i sent him to a relatives house and he had to change high school and the only reason i let him return was because he earned his high school diploma

Second time, he was already half have way through his college classes and was working. He was removed from my house and allowed to stay at a friends house, which was a 2 hour commute, oneway, to his classes. He lost his job because of the distance, but he attended all of his classes and earned 12 college crdits in total. The friend could no longer allow him to stay, and he didn't have a job to get his own place. He begged me and said he had learned his lesson and that he would not betray me like that again. I let him come back.

Today it happened again. I don't know what to do anymore. He is denying it;s his, but he is a compulsive liar. He is my only son. His father was never a part of his life EVER. I've tried everything i possibly can think of. He's not a thug, he doesn't fight. He makes BAD decisions. But I just can't NOT do anything. This is our home, he is jeopardizing.

What would you do if this was your only child and no family in this state?

I'm thinking of asking a relative if he can go stay with them and get him away from this environment, but i feel so guilty asking someone to take on this type of burden. I;m so hurt and distraught right now, i wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up.

Here are some thoughts on this. You mentioned he has ADHD. Why? Usually when people mention this or any mental illness about a person it implies one of the following: defective/needs to be coddled/can't be expected to accept responsibility for his own actions. You mentioned his father was not in his life. Why? Usually it implies a sense of guilt or of having failed or not having some something (father figure) that would have made him turn out "right."

You mentioned he is 21. Good. He is an adult. You are no longer legally responsible for him, not his health, not his safety, not his future, not his career, not his housing, not NOTHING. He is an adult. He can deal.

The first time this happened. You kicked him out, since he breached the rules of your home and disrespected you by doing so, yet he returned because he got his diploma, NOT because he stopped dealing. He rolled you.

The secont time this happened. You kicked him out, since he breached the rules of your home and disrespected you by doing so, AND he lost his job and housing because you stood up and would not let him live there and disrespect your in your home. You caved and changed your mind. Shows inconsistency. He rolled you. A second time.


This is the third time. He is showing a pattern. Are you seriously letting this continue to happen? He is an adult. He is disrespecting you (another adult...forget being his parent) in your home. Give him the boot. He earns his consequences. If you were renting somewhere and your lease stipulated that no selling of pot happened on premises and you got caught, they would evict you. You could be consistent in your behavior which encourages him to continue doing this by waiting a random amount of time and taking him back because of a reason other than he finally has learned his lesson and respects you. OR you could be consistent in behavior that is going to show him that you respect yourself and your boundaries and kick him out and let him land where he might. OR if you're feeling really vindictive (also masochistic), you could call the police and have him arrested for what posters above have said is a misdemeanor and end up paying lawyer fees/court fees/probation costs/etc for him (it will happen, trust me, it did with my cousins when they went through similar in their lives) and again teaching him nothing more than mom will be there when I fall (even to her detriment) until the day she dies....so he'll never truly grow up. OR you could kill yourself like you just said you want to "fall asleep and never wake up" and really show him.

Choice is yours. Make the right one.

DesperatelyDevestated

You responses have been appreciated.:flowerforyou: Hearing the truth from people who have no reason to hold back, is helpful.

I'm sick to my stomach just thinking of the decision i have to make and follow through with.

I've decided to evict him from my home for good. I've written up a 30 day notice and will give it to him, after I tell him what his options are.

I've had enough and I've given him enough opportunities to do the right thing.
I've tried the helpful, trusting, hopeful route... it's not working. Now, i must try a different method... Separate myself from him.

At the end of 30 days, he either has a place to go or I will get him a plane ticket to his Father's house in another state; who he's known for a total of 60 days his entire life. His father agreed to accept him. He can enroll in a technical school with student loans, or get a minimum wage job and live that life. Either way, it's his decision. I've done the best i can for now.

I'll always have my son's back. I just can't witness his self destruction. When he's helping himself, I will give him a helping hand.

I know him having ADHD makes it more difficult to stay focused, not be influenced by peers and all the usual obstacles a lot of young people face. However, I also learned in my research of ADHD, before giving him medication; that the right behaviors can be internalized with much repetition.
.
I've never wanted him to use ADHD as an excuse. That is why i didn't take him to a Social Security office to declare a disorder.

He came home yesterday and opened a tent in the backyard. He slept there and hasn't entered the house. He doesn't have anywhere to go, but here.


BTW, another reason why I can't just up and move, to help my son progress in a different environment, is because I have an elderly mother I care for. She is a healthy, independent 86 year old, but still needs me close to her. She loves where she lives and I would not put her through the stress of a move. So, my son is the one who will be relocating.

Thank you all once again for your advice, opinions and even sharing your own stories. I was truly touched by some of them.:flowerforyou:

Take Good Care of Yourselves. I will try to do the same for myself. :flowerforyou:

wheird

Assuming you stick to your guns, I think that this is a wise decision.

gypsy_spirit

I wish you all the best. Being a parent is the hardest job we ever do in this life. It sounds like you have a very workable plan in place. I hope you find peace in your decision. Take care. :flowerforyou:

MyChocolateDiet

You responses have been appreciated.:flowerforyou: Hearing the truth from people who have no reason to hold back, is helpful.

I'm sick to my stomach just thinking of the decision i have to make and follow through with.

I've decided to evict him from my home for good. I've written up a 30 day notice and will give it to him, after I tell him what his options are.

I've had enough and I've given him enough opportunities to do the right thing.
I've tried the helpful, trusting, hopeful route... it's not working. Now, i must try a different method... Separate myself from him.

At the end of 30 days, he either has a place to go or I will get him a plane ticket to his Father's house in another state; who he's known for a total of 60 days his entire life. His father agreed to accept him. He can enroll in a technical school with student loans, or get a minimum wage job and live that life. Either way, it's his decision. I've done the best i can for now.

I'll always have my son's back. I just can't witness his self destruction. When he's helping himself, I will give him a helping hand.

I know him having ADHD makes it more difficult to stay focused, not be influenced by peers and all the usual obstacles a lot of young people face. However, I also learned in my research of ADHD, before giving him medication; that the right behaviors can be internalized with much repetition.
.
I've never wanted him to use ADHD as an excuse. That is why i didn't take him to a Social Security office to declare a disorder.

He came home yesterday and opened a tent in the backyard. He slept there and hasn't entered the house. He doesn't have anywhere to go, but here.


BTW, another reason why I can't just up and move, to help my son progress in a different environment, is because I have an elderly mother I care for. She is a healthy, independent 86 year old, but still needs me close to her. She loves where she lives and I would not put her through the stress of a move. So, my son is the one who will be relocating.

Thank you all once again for your advice, opinions and even sharing your own stories. I was truly touched by some of them.:flowerforyou:

Take Good Care of Yourselves. I will try to do the same for myself. :flowerforyou:

Game changer.

You can't leave someone who relies on you this heavily. TRY not to beat yourself up over this decision. Try not to look at it as a "failure" or "pushing him away" or choosing anyone over anyone else. I'm a mom, I know how guilty minds work. They are lies.

It's more of a "letting go" and also giving his father a chance to encourage and guide him. It's giving both of them a chance to get to know one another and figure things out. I really don't see that option as a negative one even though it is the secondary alternative to staying with you. I'm sorry this is so hard but I do think it's best and I do think it's the option he will choose which is why I am trying to give you alternative ways of looking at it so you can be prepared in advance mentally and emotionally for such an outcome if it transpires. Unfortunately, some people in this thread only jumped in to give high horse morality lessons and knock down any real solutions without offering any of their own.

I did feel you needed straight solutions and gave you one even though it does not work now that you have provided all the pertinent information.

I'm SO glad you've come to one that works for your personal situation and ALL those who rely on you. I believe in a short time you will feel much better about this decision and he will turn out okay. Good luck! You seem to be able to pull together resources when you need them and I have faith that you will make this workout one way or the other for the betterment of your son and yourself! :alltheflowersforyou:

MyChocolateDiet

DesperatelyDevestated has deactivated their account.