rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

UsedToBeHusky

I know a guy just like this. It was really hard for me to get over him. Honestly, I think the problem is completely his. He can pick you apart and declare all the little things about you that he thinks is interferring with this relationship, all while telling you that he still cares. The truth is, he can't commit to you. He is probably not even in a place in life where he can commit to anyone. He probably deluded himself into believing that he could commit to you, until he was faced with the reality of it, and he balked. He doesn't want to be a bad guy so he cajoles you and continues to be polite and lays the blame "gently" on you. But the reality is that it is him... just him.

Now I'm sure a bunch of people are going to jump in and say that I'm projecting, and maybe I am. Sure, I don't know this guy. But this guy is demonstrating a certain pattern of behavior and you all know it. If you don't, then you have probably never encountered someone like this.

Either way, OP, this really is him and not you. There is nothing that you can fix to make it better. Like I said before, if you feel like you need to make changes, make them for you. Because you are the one that is worthy of the benefit of those changes... not him.

Or, she is overwieght, hide that she was as much has she is, sent him old pictures which is basically lying to him no matter how one wants to sugar coat it. She did not mention her weight before this, and 40 lbs is a LOT on a lot of people.

You don't know him, you don't anything about him, and you have zero basis except your own past experience you had to say such vile and crude things about someone else. You think trying to put all the blame on evil evil man is going to somehow help this poor girl get her issues corrected, find peace with herself, and move on? No, deflecting blame leads to the horribly overweight person that blames McDonalds for them being fat. Nothing has ever been solved by blaming someone else and not being honest with yourself. NOTHING. She herself has already admitted to a lot of her own faults, and has said she will get help and try to be a better person for her own good... what possibly do you think posting hate towards the guy and sainthood to her os going to solve besides trying to make yourself feel better for the past you had?

At least the OP has her head on straight now and is already working forward to being a better "her" would love to see some of these other jokers start

Wow! Really?

Without seeing before and after pictures of the OP, you really aren't in any place to judge how "justified" he was to treat her this way. I'm pretty sure tearing her ALL the way down on his behalf isn't really helpful either.

I avoided addressing you earlier because I legitimately believed you were trying to help, and are entitled to your own opinion of the situation, but likewise, I am entitled to mine.

I didn't say this guy was evil. What I said was that he is likely very confused about what he wants. And you know what, yes, I think it would help her to know that. It would help her to know that his inability to value her has nothing to do with her personally.

Here's the difference between what you are saying and what I'm saying:

You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

MrTolerable

Seriously I have awkwardly been on dates where the person did not reveal what they exactly really looked like in their pics.. chicks are so crafty sometimes I'm stunned.

Its awkward for us as well, when us dudes are rocking armani suits, versace dress shirts, thomas pink ties, omega watch...spent the day considerately getting prepped for the evening as well.. getting a hydrafacial a hair cut to find a slob across the table. - (Not saying the OP is a slob).. I'm saying as a guy we put work into these things and emotional investments (smaller i'm sure ;P) as well. and I have repeatedly been crestfallen and embarrassed being at a classy place having something I shouldn't even have associated with sitting across from me-and it makes it worse because they know what they really look like and were deceptive - and being deceptive is just vulgar, even more so, barely, but more so than the looks.

so I wouldn't attack the guy at all, because all she did was dodge a bullet if this guy is as bad as you say.. not continuing a relationship is a great deal cheaper, and much less of a heartache then a divorce (prenuptial agreements aid a great deal here) .. but don't blame the guy, just enhance yourself, focus on yourself, do yoga, get active, make new friends on tinder... and Paige is respectfully wrong.. maybe she uses guys on it as boy toys, but if a girl is super witty on the other end I certainly will become her friend over it and then hunt out her friends.

improve yourself, and smile often. - words I wish I could have told myself when I was going through the hardships.

MrTolerable

if anything you should be happy he said "no shot"... typically I just won't return the calls :P

him even saying that makes me think he is not that bad.

I didn't know ppl take it this hard over the online world.

MrTolerable

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

+1 .. finally someone being real.

brower47

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

Raises hand slowly, puts it down slowly and quietly backs out of thread.

PRMinx

Seriously I have awkwardly been on dates where the person did not reveal what they exactly really looked like in their pics.. chicks are so crafty sometimes I'm stunned.

Its awkward for us as well, when us dudes are rocking armani suits, versace dress shirts, thomas pink ties, omega watch...spent the day considerately getting prepped for the evening as well.. getting a hydrafacial a hair cut to find a slob across the table. - (Not saying the OP is a slob).. I'm saying as a guy we put work into these things and emotional investments (smaller i'm sure ;P) as well. and I have repeatedly been crestfallen and embarrassed being at a classy place having something I shouldn't even have associated with sitting across from me-and it makes it worse because they know what they really look like and were deceptive - and being deceptive is just vulgar, even more so, barely, but more so than the looks.

so I wouldn't attack the guy at all, because all she did was dodge a bullet if this guy is as bad as you say.. not continuing a relationship is a great deal cheaper, and much less of a heartache then a divorce (prenuptial agreements aid a great deal here) .. but don't blame the guy, just enhance yourself, focus on yourself, do yoga, get active, make new friends on tinder... and Paige is respectfully wrong.. maybe she uses guys on it as boy toys, but if a girl is super witty on the other end I certainly will become her friend over it and then hunt out her friends.

improve yourself, and smile often. - words I wish I could have told myself when I was going through the hardships.

BobOki

You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

NextPage

I don't quite get why so many people think this guy is a total jerk. He certainly is'nt perfect but he also only told her anything about her physical appearance after being "pressed" and he also stayed with her for two hours while he cried in his arms. A real jerk would have bolted at the first sign of tears. As far as being a jerk for not loving the OP at her worst, I really don't get this at all. No one is obligated to love someone or lust after someone. We should, however, feel obligated to be as kind as possible.

I think many of us have been on a date after really connecting with someone over the phone and/or email but when you got together there wasn't any spark. This happenned to me and yes, I was disappointed (as was he) but I didn't see it as a failure nor did I want to find fault with him or beat myself up. I think exchanges before meeting are good to see if you should meet to see "if the rest" is there but it should come as a great and wonderful surprise when it does (not a foregone conclusion with the opposite only explained by a defect in one or both parties). That said, I have had my self-esteem reach low periods in my life and might have reacted the same way. Dating should have warning stickers like cold medicine. Instead of "do not drive heavy machine after taking" the warning should "do not attempt when feeling fragile".

ew_david

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

It's right up there with "God only gives you what you can handle"

Squamation

Question OP: what would you have done if you were in great shape when you met and he still didn't find you physically attractive?

There's no guarantee that the weight changed your meeting outcome at all. Your before may not be his type either. You'll never know and if he's not interested in being with you than the best thing for your own mental health and well being is to move on.

*HUGS* rejection is never fun, and you always want to find a reason to make it work, but sometimes it's just not meant to be.

BobOki

I don't quite get why so many people think this guy is a total jerk. He certainly is'nt perfect but he also only told her anything about her physical appearance after being "pressed" and he also stayed with her for two hours while he cried in his arms. A real jerk would have bolted at the first sign of tears. As far as being a jerk for not loving the OP at her worst, I really don't get this at all. No one is obligated to love someone or lust after someone. We should, however, feel obligated to be as kind as possible.

I think many of us have been on a date after really connecting with someone over the phone and/or email but when you got together there wasn't any spark. This happenned to me and yes, I was disappointed (as was he) but I didn't see it as a failure nor did I want to find fault with him or beat myself up. I think exchanges before meeting are good to see if you should meet to see "if the rest" is there but it should come as a great and wonderful surprise when it does (not a foregone conclusion with the opposite only explained by a defect in one or both parties). That said, I have had my self-esteem reach low periods in my life and might have reacted the same way. Dating should have warning stickers like cold medicine. Instead of "do not drive heavy machine after taking" the warning should "do not attempt when feeling fragile".

Thanks, hated being one of the few only ones here seeing this as well.

UsedToBeHusky

You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.

I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??

Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

rml_16

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

It's right up there with "God only gives you what you can handle"

Some guy wrote a whole article about why that saying is bad. Basically, it translates to, "I'm psycho."

BobOki

Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

Maybe because he thinks that she might fix the issues he has, and wants to stick around to see if she does? He might genuinely like this girl, but there were a few things that he would not be able to live with to close the deal. Now this will VERY much sound shallow, but like a steak that is undercooked perhaps he sent her back to come back perfect. Now that sounds super shallow when typed, but in the world of love nothing is black and white, and this is people wanting what they can't have or always wanting better. Maybe he has a cutoff line of standards and she was just a little past them, and he promised himself from past bad relationships he would never do it again... we just don't know.

But again, being truthful about the situation and not just deflecting all to the guys fault is the ONLY way self discovery and improvement can ever occur.

Also, the "you will never need to hear them again WWWEEOOOOO" is unneeded in a overly dramatic. As a guy I would say the same thing. "No, you don't need to never do this ever ever ever... there is this middle ground thing you need to look up". Relationships are not all or nothing, they are not 100% do or never do. He sounds MORE grounded to wanting her to explore the dreaded grey area.

weird_me2

You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.

I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

Maybe he's just being polite and responding to her engagement in the relationship? He actually doesn't sound like a horrible person - he stuck around while she cried and seemingly only brought up the weight when she pressed for an answer.

In reality, it's sounding like his real issue is with her personality and how do you bring THAT up nicely? Personality is A LOT harder to change than weight! I've been around people who regularly make negative comments and "excuses" and they are not fun to be around. Like I said before, it's easy to hide the bad and only show the good when you are online - you can't really know a person until you've spent time with them IRL and seen every side of them - not just the edited side.

I still believe that OP does need to move on from this "relationship" and she also needs to work on her relationship with herself before she tries again. If you aren't happy with yourself, it's not fair to expect anyone else to be happy with you.

JoRocka

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

It's right up there with "God only gives you what you can handle"

just so insipid and insulting.

Some guy wrote a whole article about why that saying is bad. Basically, it translates to, "I'm psycho."

I read something about that- it's like- perhaps try being a better person instead of making people deal with your uber *****y tendencies- not sure if same article- but I just find it really trite. LOL But I'm not all about motivational self esteem things- they don't do it for me.



as far as him saying no? least he was straight up about it.

And no OP- you're heart didn't break and shatter. You don't know what that's ACTUALLY like- you can't possible know- when you're entire life and soul is wrapped up a person IN your life- in your space- their breath their smells- their scents- the way they touch you- it's as familiar to you as your own body- when THAT person who is that close to you and has you'r trust so deeply you open and give them EVERYTHING and reveal EVERYTHING in your soul- all your weakness and vulnerabilities- and THEN they walk away- then.

THEN you're heart is broken.

Not from someone you barely know through words.

Least he gave it to you straight up after you lied. Gotta give the man props for that.

MrTolerable

You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.

Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!

No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.

I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.

I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.

Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.

They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.

Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.

I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.

To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??

Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?

He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.

respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...

no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..

and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!



and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.

MrTolerable

If he can't love you at your "worst," he doesn't deserve you at your best.

am I the only one who hates this saying?

It's right up there with "God only gives you what you can handle"

just so insipid and insulting.

as far as him saying no? least he was straight up about it.

And no OP- you're heart didn't break and shatter. You don't know what that's ACTUALLY like- you can't possible know- when you're entire life and soul is wrapped up a person IN your life- in your space- their breath their smells- their scents- the way they touch you- it's as familiar to you as your own body- when THAT person who is that close to you and has you'r trust so deeply you open and give them EVERYTHING and reveal EVERYTHING in your soul- all your weakness and vulnerabilities- and THEN they walk away- then.

THEN you're heart is broken.

Not from someone you barely know through words.

Least he gave it to you straight up after you lied. Gotta give the man props for that.

*clap clap* that is exactly how a lady would look at this.

MireyGal76

You fell for someone online. This happens.

If he was your soulmate, and you could talk to him about everything, then why did you hide your weight gain from him? Did he know about your health issues?

If you hadn't met, then regardless of weight, maybe he didn't feel that connection in person. If you truly were soul mates, then he would have stuck around to see if that connection developed, but the fact that he wasn't interested in doing that, means that sadly... he wasn't your soul mate.


I am really sorry that your heart was broken. It can happen via online relationships, as well as in face to face relationships.
But if he is not interested in continuing the relationship, then you should let him go, and let yourself start to heal.

If he was emotionally invested, it's highly likely that he felt betrayed and hurt by the fact that his "soul mate" was not who she said she was. I feel for him as well, and I hope that you can see how hurt he may have been by your lack of openness with him.

*biggest hugs to you both*