rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

whovian67

he wasn't your soulmate. You're soulmate would find you attractive at almost any size.

In any case, stop talking to him because he's an *kitten*, lose the weight and become happy with YOURSELF, then go out into the real world and meet someone.

I agree...A+Hole...Move on ... that was not an u nconditional love or even someone who could be with you "for better or or worse"

bunbunzee44

It is a sad thing that happened to you, but you should not use this for motivation.... because you need to do it for yourself. Not for anyone else, and only if you yourself want to do it.
as for your relation ship issue, can't give much advice.. we don't know the full story, and we don't know if he was telling the truth that time or the entire time..

hrhboo

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

GiGiBeans

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Kelbelle87

First of all, I'm SO sorry to hear about your heartache; I'm convinced there are few things in life that feel worse than someone not loving you. Here are my two cents, and they are VERY honest cents, so beware:

1) Could you not have communicated your illness/weight gain with the man long before you met up? If you weren't comfortable enough to do that, I would question your comfort level with him and your perceived notions of his character.

2) For someone to say they actually love you, and then to leave you alone at night (after driving four hours to see you), I would question his honesty. If he really loved YOU, he would be accepting of your medical condition.

3) I know it's hard to believe (or even think) now, but this guy is SO not worth your time. I know I'm just an outsider, but I think outsiders see the truth best sometimes. You are on MyFitness Pal...you obviously care about your health and well-being, but don't rely on someone else for your happiness (especially not this guy). You deserve way better. Address your medical issue, exercise (if you can), and feel good about yourself....someone worthwhile will come your way!

Again...I'm so sorry. You seem like such a sweet person, and we all love you.

amwbox

Its not his fault he isn't attracted to you. Its not a decision we get to make.

But still...to hell with him. Find someone who's really into you.

ValerieMartini2Olives

I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.

In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

hortensehildegarde

I'm guessing someone else has already said this but it bears repeating- I think you are confused about what a "soul-mate" is.

You can do better. Would you have ever treated him that way?

dakotababy

Fact is, when you meet someone irl, it can change everything very quickly. That emotional/mental connection is there, though physical connection becomes just as important when your face to face. Now, this guy is obviously not unconditional, well...at least the first impression didnt stick.

Time to move on from him. Lose weight for yourself if you feel you need to, do not do it for him because like your first date, you will likely end up disappointed.

I know I had body dysmorphia - where I thought I was skinnier than what I truly was. I find pictures are hard to argue with, perhaps try taking a picture of yourself and then you can be real with yourself.

djfldjfl

I'm reminded of a song called "Heartbreak's a Blessing". It really seems to fit here. I hope this isn't terrible advice, but it is how I hope I would react. I would feel bad about myself for a bit, but only a little bit. And then I would look at myself in the mirror. And then I would use that motherf***ing rejection for fuel and motivation. I'd think about it at the gym, I'd think about it while I ate, I'd think about it when I got up, etc. Eff that guy, but make you the best you you can be. Use it to better yourself and make yourself more confident and proud.

ZombieEarhart

This really sucks, but honestly? You dodged a bullet.

Savemyshannon

I don't think it's his fault he's not attracted to you. We can't help what we like and what we don't like.

That said, attraction and love are different. If he had said he loved you, and truly loved you, I don't think he would have suddenly refused to say it (after saying it for months) and I don't think he would've left you alone bawling all night, nor do I think he would've grown cold and distant as the night wore on. If he really loved you, the weight would not have changed that. Maybe he wouldn't have wanted to SLEEP with you, but the love and affection would still be there. I'm not saying he's an *kitten*, but what I am saying is that it's possible that he thought he loved you, and then realized that he didn't.

I think it seems like you two just fell in love and had this ideal version of each other in your heads and then when you got together, the chemistry just wasn't there for him. It sucks, and it's awful and trust me, I know your pain when it comes to rejection and weight.

Yes, maybe it's possible that you lose this weight and then he suddenly finds you attractive again. But then what happens if you gain some back? It's a thought to consider that maybe you're just not a good match for each other. And when you find someone who loves you for you, every inch of you, you'll be glad you didn't settle for someone who needed you a certain way.

That said, I really don't advise being friends with this guy. Unrequited love between friends never works well. And would you be able to remain his friend as he started dating someone else? Without breaking your heart or losing your mind?

Dust yourself off and move on. And I'm very sorry for your rough night! I feel your pain, truly!

a_stronger_me13

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

+1

It's not vain or shallow for people to take into account physical attraction when deciding whether or not they want to be in a committed relationship with someone. That is human nature and if anyone who is naive enough to believe that someone doesn't need a certain level of physical attraction to feel fulfilled in a relationship they are pretty foolish.

But I also believe that sometimes people aren't the right fit. It's not that one isn't good enough for the other, they just aren't right for each other. Work on yourself, find the things in life that make YOU happy and confident in yourself, personality and physical appearance alike, and that will draw the right person to you.

YesIAm17

Very sorry you had to experience this.

The guy is a jerk. He doesn't know what love is. It sounds to me like the sweet things he said to you were just a tool to get what he wanted, and that he is actually very shallow.

If he knows what you look like "at your best"... and he knows that what he saw was "at your worst"... and he knows about the condition behind it... and he knows how capable you are of getting in and staying in shape... then his reaction shows me he is only thinking about what he sees now and what he sees is in no way being filtered by any emotional connection with you.

If I'm in love with someone and they gain weight, I don't care if it's 100lbs, I am still going to be attracted to them and only want to be with them. I believe love sparks sexual attraction beyond physical aesthetics. I'm also going to stick with them and help them get back in shape, every step of the way, and I will go out of my way everyday to make sure they know I still love them and want them. I would like to think that that is how any REAL man loves a woman, and that I'm not just some odd romantic anomaly.

I hope your heart heals quickly and that you get back in shape for you because you deserve it... and that you find a real man to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

MizMimi111

I'd think twice about someone that left in the middle of the night to drive four hours home. Sounds like he had someone waiting for/expecting him.

That said, I am sorry you were hurt. :frown:

ZombieEarhart

I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.

In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

Oh, girl. That gives me the sads.

laurynwithawhy

I can understand you being hurt, I really can. And I've been there in the "I will do anything for this person, they are my everything and my whole world". And I've been rejected for my weight, my looks, my personality, you name it. It took a lot of rejection, and pain, before I realized there are 7 billion people in this world; I will find someone who loves me for me eventually.

I'm not trying to sound like a cliche, but it's true. Go to the grocery store or the mall. Look at the people who are overweight, unattractive, horribly mean and screaming at their kids, and see how most of them will have a significant other or a ring on their finger. It will shock you. There is someone out there for everyone, and maybe this guy is not the one for you.

So cry about it, vent about it, and then get over it (not in a mean way! It's just a process). Then do what you need to do to make yourself strong, healthy, and the best person you can be, so when the RIGHT guy finally comes along he gets the best of you.

I hope that helps some!

zoeysasha37

Hugs!!!

I'm sorry your feeling down. I know it's hard right now and you'll need time to process all of what happened. But I personally think that he wasn't your soul mate. If he was, it wouldn't have turned out the way it did.
I think you should get fit and lose that weight, but not for him. For it to work out, you have to do this for yourself. I know your feeling down right now, but your in the right place to get started on your weight loss journey :-)
my husbands loved me at 202 lbs, 135 lbs, and every weight in between. You deserve that as well. Get fit for you and worry about relationship stuff after your done working on yourself, as you stated that you have a medical issue to deal with as well.
I wish you the best!!!

tiptoethruthetulips

So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.

When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.

The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.

Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.

I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.

I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.

OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.