rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

FlaxMilk

"i don't think im a hideous monster".
And yet, you dont even have a pic on MFP? :huh: Online relationships are not easy, but being honest and upfront, about everything, is crucial. Best of luck to you!

I don't want to be honest and upfront about everything on MFP. Why does OP need a picture up?

OP, sorry you are going through this. Rejection hurts. A lot. Go ahead and work on the weight you gained, for you, if you want to. But I would worry how this particular relationship would work out for you if you feel you have to earn him back. Will you have enough security in yourself and in how he feels about you to be happy?

chubby_checkers

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

Sweetheart, that is ****ed up.

SuzyLy

Are you kidding that you would even consider "fixing yourself" and going back for more? I'd "fix myself" for myself and would not communicate with him again and thank God you didn't go any further with this Shallow Hal.

UsedToBeHusky

But I would worry how this particular relationship would work out for you if you feel you have to earn him back. Will you have enough security in yourself and in how he feels about you to be happy?

A million times this. Everything else about this post is irrelevant. This ^^^ is the only thing that OP needs to take away from this.

So_Much_Fab

This is why you don't get into a "relationship" with someone you've never met IRL. As many others have said, it's a fantasy - not based in reality. Back when I was doing the online dating thing, I can't tell you how many guys I "met" online, talked to, saw their pictures, and thought there was real potential until I met them and realized I simply wasn't attracted to them in person even though the looked exactly the same as the pictures I had seen. It happens.

You seem to be basing all of your self worth on what this guy thinks (or doesn't think) of you. If he's not interested like he claimed to be, then tell him it was nice meeting him and move on. Discontinue the "relationship". If you want to lose that 40 lbs. do it for you, not for him, not to try to get him back, or whatever.

ChristinWrites

Your soul mate is the person you see looking back at you in the mirror - not some man you met online. That being said, I did meet my hubby online - and he has been accepting of me through weight gain and loss. He's my best friend. I would never put up with someone who thought something as shallow as a few extra pounds was the reason they couldn't love me. Why? because I love myself enough to not accept less than what is right in other people. That is why I now have the healthy, wonderful relationship I do. Prior to this, I was married to my first husband who was a selfish individual. I ended up with him during a period where I did not love and respect myself as much as I should. I "settled" because it seemed he was the best I could do. It took 7 years of being married and lonely to realize that I deserved much more than I allowed myself to have. I fixed me - then the right relationship was able to happen. Fix you - if you obsess over pleasing your partner etc. as you've posted in this thread, that is not the signs of an emotionally healthy human being. I do things all the time to make my husband happy - not out of obsessing he'll stop loving me - but because he loves and respects me so much that it comes natural and makes me happy to see him happy.

fittoday14

And this is why we do not carry on so long with online relationships without meeting in person.

You don't need this dude. You need to move on.

Move and and learn a lesson or two. I did, and about a year ago when I met a guy (two friends over, via phone and email) I immediately asked to meet. I didn't want to waste my time over email/phone for nothing. Guess what? He never set a time/date. He clearly wasn't right. He kept making excuses that his sis was in the hospital with a heart problem and that she was also pregnant. REALLY ?? Seriously, move on.

datguy2011

First off... it's online.

Second off... move on. Don't change yourself unless you want to.

dmoses

Soulmates are overrated and something romance novels sell us. Relationships are work.

DEAR GOD YES...

Irishb118

So many other factors at play here and not just the weight.

When people people online nothing, absolutely nothing, is real until the two people have met. Until people meet the relationship is built on a fantasy of who we think the other people is, that fantasy is based on the other person being at their best in photos, messages and emails. No one is that perfect. He wasn't your soulmate because the relationship was built on fantasy.

The other person doesn't want to hear about issues, sickness or weight gain because it will ruin their fantasy, hell we don't tell them because we don't want to ruin the fantasy either. So the omissions start and probably some fibs and people start to hide who they really are. They start to omit pertinent facts.

Come the meeting, comes big expectations! Fantasy comes crashing down in a screaming heap. The other person is real, warts and all, and they then blame the other person for the loss of the fantasy.

I can understand not being attracted to a bigger person that someone has just met, we are visual creatures and there hasn't been time to develop a relationship.

I would say, that here it was more than just the weight gain, it was also the fact that the person felt deceived because they were expected a slimmer person based on photos that had previously been received. With all that comes reality, the crushing of a fantasy that he had built up in his head.

OP lose the weight if you want to, but do it for you and your own health's sake, move on from him, meet other people, live your live to the best of your ability...and should you develop another long distance relationship...remember its just a fantasy until you meet and have known each other for quite a few months.

have to agree with this... and everyone is beating up on this guy.. while he didn't handle this 100% right, I don't think he's quite the only one at fault here..

Did you tell him that you left the "totally fit, yoga, confident person" that he started with ? did you let him in on the personal problems, and weight gain? (think full disclosure here)

I think that this might have been sprung on him and it was a "in your face" kind of moment which may have left him feeling "catfished" to a point. YOu may have built this relationship up WAY too much in your mind (e.g soulmate) from what he was thinking and saw this overly clingy, emotional, person.. I don't think demonizing this guy is all together fair either (although he maybe a complete asshat, we have no idea on this)

again, just guessing here, and both of you could have handled that better and truely sorry that you are feeling such pain over this, everyone deserves to be happy, and you will eventually.. just go in with both eyes open next time.

I completely agree. I am guessing "real" and/or current photos were not exchanged either. When talking to someone online or on the phone anyone can be whomever they choose. They can say whatever but actions speak louder than words. That is why it is so important to NOT put all your eggs in one basket with someone you don't even know. You can't truly know a person until you have spent time with them.

To beat this guy up because he just wasn't feeling it is very unfair. It could have been anything from your hair, your voice, your eyes, the way you carry yourself to your weight that just plain turned him off. Could he have handled it differently? Sure. But in the scheme of life every single one of us could handle situations differenlty than we do.

ONLINE dating is NOT real life - spending time with someone is the ONLY way to get to know them. You both built up some fantasy world and it came crashing down. Move on and if you continue to meet guys online meet them sooner rather than later so you aren't wasting precious time in your life!

KseRz

Hold up people!!
Before talking smack..

Did anyone care to think if he may be going through some thing difficult in his life?????

Of course NOT...just talk smack

You know, we all go through ****. That doesn't give us permission to hurt others. Sure, it sounds like he did it as gently as possible, and that's great. But that still doesn't mean that he didn't hurt her or that she should continue to hold out hope.

Sounds like this calls for a Star Wars marathon and lots of ice cream.

kwantlen2051

Get well. Get healthy. Get fit. But do those things for YOU. Not to be "good enough" for someone else.

Yes, you need to love yourself first and get fit for yourself.

scarrletti_girl

I would just lose him it will hurt for awhile but it will hurt less then keeping him around and only being friends or say you guys do stay together as a couple it will eventually go sour because resentment will fill up and explode and be worse. everyone deserves to be with someone that excepts them for them. he should have understood you gained the wait from being sick. it wasn't fair of him to judge you like that. Find someone else you deserve. good luck.

surfinbird_1981

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

I agree with this.

Don't feel bad though, you just aren't his type, this happens online aswell as in the "real world".... try not to let it get you down :flowerforyou:

seltzermint555

I am really sorry you were rejected. You deserve better.

But also...THIS is why you don't engage in a "real" relationship with someone prior to meeting face to face.

Mikkimeow

Oh you poor thing. I am not sure what else I could say beyond what others have laid out for you. I understand you feel this man is your proverbial soul mate and thus you would do anything to keep him. But, what part of love is, "I think I love you" if he were the one, there would be no doubt. You are beautiful at any size, and life is not about finding happiness when, "I lose 40 lbs" or "fix myself" It is about accepting who you are and understanding what you need to work on. There is no formula to change yourself and obtain someone's love. You know why? Because it isn't about you. It was never about you. Who ever this guy is, he is not confident enough to love someone in all their "flaws" and differences. And that is okay. But don't allow him to hurt you for another minute.

I could go on and on about how you don't deserve to be treated that way. But honestly it comes down to this: If you lost the weight, and he takes you in his arms and loves you, what then? Will you be okay knowing that to obtain a relationship with this man, you had to change who you are? Worried that for the rest of your life, you have to fit into this misguided version of what he thinks you should be?

MichelleAymond

honey....relationships, even the best ones, are a job....they take time, effort....you get back what you put in. none of them are perfect, no couple never has a spat. but to start out feeling like just to be accepted, to please him and make him want you that you have to change...oh girl just count your blessings that he showed his true colors now BEFORE you wasted years of your life with him!! it would be a constant battle trying to please him.....every little thing you did you'd wonder if he would approve, how he would feel, will this make him reject you again......i can say this because i have lived this! i left a 8 year relationship (married and a child) feeling so low and horrible about myself, no self esteem.....i constantly went up and down with my weight, he wouldn't want to leave the lights on and i'd be like why, is it me? yes....he never tried to hide it. so i'd go on a crash diet, starve myself for weeks, even months, until he would look at me again. he continuously told me how worthless i was. of course he followed all that up by baby i'm sorry, come here i love you so much....and i believed it. it messes you up, physically, mentally, emotionally.....i am finally, 6 years later, recovered. i hate him. i hate that my daughter has him in her life because i know he does the same things to her when she's with him, i see it in her actions and her self esteem already.

this man is not your soulmate. pick yourself up, find the strength inside to face the day and move on.....YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!

SoDamnHungry

He doesn't love you, so stop talking to him because you're just going to feel hurt. Maybe it's weight related, maybe it isn't. I'm honestly not trying to be mean, but there could be factors that you don't see. It's crappy of him to suddenly pull this on you, but meeting someone in real life is very different from talking to them online.

You should be with someone who loves you, and this guy, for whatever reason, doesn't. Just let it go and spare yourself the pain of talking to him anymore.

happymomma454

Hugs..


Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.

good luck.

Me too... but it is totally worth it now that we are together.

mmbop10

I was inspired by Ruby, who is a nearly 500-pound woman, her boyfriend left her for the same reasons. and in the entire show she committed to lose the weight one-pound at a time. and do it for herself. She enjoyed exercising and totally forgot about him and after a few months he came back to her ( i dunno if Ruby still wanted him back though) all I wanna say is we do not need to be mad motivated to lose weight for the pleasure of a man who hurt our feelings. Plus, a large percentage men who are dating online are just perverts or misrepresenting themselves. That's why MTV created the show Catfish. Put the past (and the man) behind. We can be happy whatever size we are . I recommend you watch Phat Gurlz the movie. It will make your day better like it did for me. Pls dont cry. You are beautiful. SMile