rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight

SunofaBeach14

You cannot know whether there is chemistry and a real connection until you meet face to face. This is one of the harder aspects of online flirtations and dating. People put so much of themselves into an avatar and into the words of someone else on a computer screen that it clouds the real personality of the person on the other end. Everyone does it. It's human nature. Reality clouded by one's biases can be very different from actual reality.

If he had only seen photographs of you when you were 40 pounds lighter, he had associated that person with the words on the screen. If you didn't tell him about the weight gain, then he probably felt like you were being dishonest with him about who you are. Who knows, he could have felt like you didn't trust him enough to make that decision for himself, and it could have hurt him. That silence just might have been him brooding over the "lie" as much as any perceived disappointment. That kind of dishonesty can be very damaging to a budding relationship. If you had told him first, or sent him recent photos, then who's to say how he would have reacted to you. You didn't give him the opportunity to even make that decision.

The shoe could have very easily been on the other foot. Imagine if you had met him and he had horrible personal hygiene and reeked of cigarette smoke, or some other odor you find offensive. Would the words on the computer screen and the images he sent you have been enough to overcome what you could have perceived as deception?

Agreed. Reality is always more complicated and messier than what's on the screen.

KaelaLee88

Wow, what a great girl this guy is missing out on!

As much as his actions deserve it, I'm not going to trash him. I would advise you to take some time for your mental wellbeing to stabilise and for your heart to heal.

You met and fell in love with someone who has a massive disability, he cannot find beauty in another person that HE thinks fits his idea of perfect. I feel bad for him and you should too, he's in for a very lonely future. I truly hope his quest for "perfection" keeps him warm at night.

You are a lovely, beautiful person who will find someone deserving of your love and life. This man is not your soulmate, it may be best for your mental health to cut the relationship off but this is your choice.

Take time to be well and all the rest will follow.

God bless you :-)

Kaela x

seltzermint555

he admitted it being my physical appearance, which i fully knew.

And you allowed him to hug you and comfort you while you cried in front of him after he verbally acknowledged this. Think about that for awhile. Seriously.

Now forgetting about this man who is a total waste of your time and focusing on future men you'll be meeting:

Perhaps consider exchanging 3 or 4 cursory emails (with a CURRENT photo) for introductory and screening purposes, leading up to ONE phone call. The phone call request is to be initiated by HIM not you. The phone call should be used solely to determine YOUR interest in actually meeting the man. It's a total waste of your precious time to continue some stupid "what's up?" "How ya doin'?" back and forth if the guy doesn't get to asking for your phone # after the second or third email.

So now, if it's a go, make a date to meet in person. And the offer to meet in person MUST be initiated by HIM not you. And if the man is more than 15 minutes late for the date without calling you, leave immediately and never communicate with him again.

Of course you transport yourself to the date. You don't have him coming to your house. You also get yourself back home on your own. You don't reveal your address or get in a car with a guy who you've had one date with.

Meeting people in person as soon as possible is what will swerve you away from the nonsense. And meeting in person is inevitable anyway. So get right to the face to face and save yourself the pitfalls of the cowardly head games routinely played out in email flirtations. Who has the patience for a lot of superfluous electronic back and forth anyway when the intent is to start a committed relationship? This mode of communication is terrific for play but not so swell when your most vulnerable feelings are at stake.

Self protection is key when choosing your future fella. Don't lose sight of that for a second because the only one who's going to protect you is you.

I actually think this ^ is good advice. Personally, I don't think the talking on the phone step is necessary ever, though, and I don't think the face to face meeting (or any other type of contact online or irl) absolutely HAS TO be initiated by the male. But I think in general that is solid advice.

I met my husband online. He was the first guy I ever initiated contact with. We talked for less than a week before meeting face to face and I insisted on that because I was really interested, and refused to waste time "falling for" someone that I might not be attracted to physically. The funny part about that, is I included in my online dating profile a disclaimer about being a BIG girl as well as current photos, and therefore wasn't remotely concerned that he might not be attracted to me. That puts you in a better position of "power" if you ask me. I don't mean power over another person. But feeling proud and in control and so on.

happymomma454

thank you for your words of encouragement. i understand that, there are a lot of factors at play. its difficult to feel like anything could get better and waking up everyday with the cold, stark realization that it was all just a scam. i feel betrayed and played, he constantly promised and assured me that he would be with me through all the bad and good. now it's just an emptiness. i know he doesn't have anyone at home, i know he was honest in his feelings. but meeting me really skewed his perception, i know it did and i feel like maybe he feels deceived or betrayed. it's hard for either one of us to communicate emotions or put ourselves out there. i know he is capable of serious relationships. i just don't know if he is capable of actually loving someone on a deeper level and realistic level. it's sad and im finding it so difficult to move on, i just can't believe it went from 100 to 0 within hours. i feel like i fell from a cliff and survived, but left broken and he doesn't seem to care about how i feel anymore.

My ex assured me that he didn't have anyone else, that I was the person he looked for all his life, that he would always be there and would never mistreat me, etc. for over a year and a half while we dated (not an online relationship). I finally believed him (my heart had been severely broken previously and it took a long time to get over) and we got married. 2 years later, when I was 7 months along with our 2nd child he comes home and announces that he has a girlfriend and is leaving because he is "high maintenance" and "needs" someone who can give him 100% of their attention (but don't expect him to do anything for them). Oh, and BTW, I found out later that he already had a girl when we met, and had several more while we were together. So, just because they say the "right" things and put on a good act doesn't mean they are the right person for you. He has turned out to be a total jerk in so many ways, and did not care that he broke my heart and the hearts of our kids... It hurt deeply and I tried to "change" whatever in order to convince him to live up to his promises but in the end it did no good. It is difficult to let go of a dream that you have for a relationship, but it is important to grieve the loss and allow yourself to heal. I re-met an old friend (from many years ago) a couple years back and we found that we were even more suited for each other than we thought we were before. This weekend we will celebrate our 6 month wedding anniversary. It has truly been "a marriage made in Heaven". We love each other deeply in spite of not being "perfect" and are supportive of each other the way true soulmates are.

seltzermint555

One more note I wanted to make on this topic - sometimes physical attraction isn't based much (or at all) on weight/size.

I've been turned off by a date I hadn't met "irl" because of very bad teeth. A whiny voice. General awkward posture and carrying himself badly. Had a dirty car and white sneakers and listened to music I hated.

Those things bothered me a lot more than the guy who was several inches shorter and 50 lb heavier than his online profile stated.

I know for certain that some guys have been less interested in me because of how I act - extremely bubbly, happy, and animated and/or hyper. Many men strongly prefer a woman who is more calm, shy or mysterious. Other guys like my husband find it very appealing.

belinus

A lot has been said but I will add my two cents in.

First and foremost, and this will be harsh, you set yourself up for this. If seeing you at the meeting place was his first time, that is a huge mistake. Think of attraction as a triad of physical, intellectual, and emotional characteristics. When the mix is right, the attraction is there, but if one or more of the components is lacking it just is not. And it's not something you can quantify either. Either their qualities reach the threshold or exceed it or they do not. He was missing a component in this and took a gamble and unfortunately you both lost. It does not make you a loser or him an "a-hole" as others have called him. Both of you had a lot of courage in this situation if you really look at it. You in asking him point blank and him answering honestly. It just makes you two incompatible. Sad, but that is a fact of life. I am sure we have all met people who look like they've been practically Photoshop'd in real life who are dumb as a box of hair and/or have the emotional depth of a sheet of paper. We all have also met people with physical "flaws" who have great minds and hearts.

That being said, you have a lot more issues than just simple rejection. Your reaction to this incident is just a symptom of something else. You making choices to please other people. You need to be doing this for you and not someone else. Because everyone else is going to have different idea of what you should look like and you cannot please them all. But you can please yourself. You need to look in the mirror and feel attracted to yourself.

And if something comes along that causes weight gain again like your illness, then put things outside getting better aside. You're still healing physically if the illness did cause you to gain weight so focus on that rather than having a man.

Collier78

I met my man over 2 years ago when I was about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. We met online and the moment I saw his picture, I was instantly in love with him. I wanted to meet him so bad. We met and had a few good weeks of "fun". I was totally, crazy madly in love with him and while he liked me, he was not genuinely interested. It really hurt me. I can't remember the last time I cried over a man. Deep down, I knew it was my weight.

In September, he wound up finding me, not realizing it was me. When he sent me his picture, I about *kitten* myself that it was him. When I told him who I was,he was surprised he had found me. We wound up hooking up. All the feelings I had about him, being crazy in love with him, came right back. I told myself I'd just f!ck him and dump him, but I couldn't do it. We wound up starting to spend a lot of time together and I finally told him I love him.

My dream was to hear him say that he loved me. And now he has. He told me, "Deep down I always knew you were the one. But you were just too big."

Please tell me you're kidding. :noway:

:huh: :noway: Right?? How is ok to say I knew you were awesome but you were to fat for me to love?

AsaThorsWoman

I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

This is so incredibly mean!

You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

jgsimon1

40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.

Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?

I totally agree with this girl here!! 40 pounds is a lot, but, nothing to be disgusted by!! I gained 40 pounds over the past 2 years and I looked obviously heavier.....and felt uncomfortable in certain clothing.....but, no one ever brought it to my attention.....the only person horrified by it was ME!!! I've lost 24 of the 40 pounds as of today......I feel better and keep working towards my goal.
Don't let your outward appearance influence anyone.........if he only "loves" the thin, fit you.....then he doesn't really love "you"!!!
I'm glad he's so perfect that he can be so judgemental!!!
I'm so sorry that he's broken your heart like this!!! Keep your chin up!!! You'll find someone out there who truly deserves you!!!!

PRMinx

People will give you something to feel bad about every day, if you let them.

Find things outside of weight and appearance that make you feel valuable and concentrate on that. Work on your happy and the weight loss will follow.

No one is obligated to find us attractive, which is why self love is the best love.

spoonful

A relationship is for the good times and the bad. If he cannot be next to you while you recover from your ailment then you are better off without him.

Just_Sha

Stop blaming yourself.. There is nothing you could have done differently. He most likely was looking for a way out.

Pick up the pieces and move on.

DebbieLyn63

40 pounds isn't THAT much weight. I gained almost 100 pounds when I first started dating my boyfriend and he still finds me attractive. Obviously that's kind of an excessive amount but you see what I'm saying.

Consider this. Let's say you lose the weight and he "loves" you again. Great! What happens if you get married and something happens and you gain the weight again?

thank you, that is a great consideration for me to think about. i can't see past the "i will do anything to improve for him" light right now, even if it includes remaining obsessive if we ever married. im the kind of person that will do anything for my loved one, especially when the love is this deep. the problem was the underlying medical condition that caused me to gain. and he seemed to understand that, he even researched it! i'm confused and wondering if it's so repulsive that he had to run away, to get away from me. i would have loved him in any form, it's the biggest pain to know he doesn't and that his promises are void.

The bolded parts of your post above are the most concerning here. It sounds like you have some deep seeded emotional issues when it comes to relationships. This has NOTHING to do with your weight. Becoming obsessed over a relationship like this, especially an ONLINE relationship before you had even met, is very unhealthy. You are a perfect opportunity for a controlling, abusive, or addict to take advantage of you. Look into codependent relationships and see if you fit the profile. Before you enter into ANY relationship, I would strongly suggest speaking to a counselor about these issues. Fixing those issues now will save you years of heartache and potentially physical and legal disaster as well.

As for the current online relationship- It sounds like you were way more invested in this than he was. Sorry for the reality check, but there is no future there. Cut your losses, move on, and get some counseling.:flowerforyou:

JoRocka

He isn't your soulmate- you can't be soulmates with someone you've never met face to face.

dust yourself off- lick your wounds- let your pride heal and move on.

DebbieLyn63

I think you should speak with both a mental and a healthcare professional. Please don't take this the wrong way though, I mean it in the nicest way possible.

I think you have health issues you need to address before seeking any kind of relationship, whether it's romantic or otherwise.

Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.

FYI, I met my husband online 14 years ago, and he's accepted me 100% from Day 1. We met in person, we dated, we got engaged, married, had kids, the whole 9 yards.

Relationships take time, no matter how or when you meet a person. Take your time, don't rush into things, and seek some help.

This is so incredibly mean!

You shouldn't be bragging about your relationship to someone going through a break-up. You're rubbing it in her face, putting salt on a wound.

There's nothing she's written to indicate she needs any mental help. In fact, it's 2014, I bet most of us here on MFP have gotten really excited to meet someone they have chatted with online only to be terribly disappointed.

I think you need a mental help professional, and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not to be mean. Please don't take that the wrong way. I truly think bragging about your relationship to someone reaching out after a loss is indicative of psychological issues.

There was nothing mean or wrong about the previous poster's advice. It was spot on. The poster was not bragging about her relationship. I read it as agreeing that you CAN find true love online, but it takes time and you have to be careful. Telling her that SHE needs professional help, was over the top.
Becoming this obsessed over an online relationship, past high school, is not normal.

cookiealbright

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You are going though a bad time. If it were me, I would elimate him from the problems in my life. Relationships are hard enough when You are Whole. You need to take care of yourself first then see what happens, but if he is not supportive in helping you. You have to let it go - for now. Good luck to ya! :flowerforyou:

wifeymou1112

I don't think he's an *kitten* at all, people can't help what they are and are not attracted to. I'm sure he wishes the situation was different too. After all, he's invested just as much time and emotion as you have. It isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours.

A lot of the time when people haven't met in person they tend to form an idealized view of the person that isn't based in reality. Don't feel bad about the situation, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Do things that make you feel great about yourself and the right person will come along.

This^^^

QuietBloom

You can't fall in love with someone you have never met.

Don't ever forget this. You will be fine. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on. :flowerforyou:

happymomma454

He's my best friend.

Prior to this, I was married to my first husband who was a selfish individual. I ended up with him during a period where I did not love and respect myself as much as I should. I "settled" because it seemed he was the best I could do.

I fixed me - then the right relationship was able to happen. Fix you - if you obsess over pleasing your partner etc. as you've posted in this thread, that is not the signs of an emotionally healthy human being. I do things all the time to make my husband happy - not out of obsessing he'll stop loving me - but because he loves and respects me so much that it comes natural and makes me happy to see him happy.

Exactly! And congratulations!

jkal1979

I'm wondering if maybe his problem with your weight has more to do with you hiding it from him than the actual weight itself. He may have been thinking that if you hid the weight gain and medical problems from him that you could be hiding a lot more from him as well.

Take some time for yourself to heal and know that there is someone out there for you that will love you regardless of what is on the outside. And take the time to learn to love yourself more.